Wondering if any of you go through this?

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Wondering if any of you go through this?

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat Jan 06, 2018 12:08 pm

My DH/DuH (depending on the day) will never admit when he’s wrong or take accountability for his actions particularly when it comes to me. While I’m not saying I’m any saint and have had to do some personal reflection on areas of our relationship, in DH’s mind the problems are always my fault somehow (even with his family) and he has ample excuses for his behaviour, although sometimes it’s completely illogical. I also notice that he pushes the ignore button and/or changes the subject anytime I hold him accountable for some of his actions. It’s very troubling and so reminds me of how all of the ILs behave.

He’s not totally a bad guy, but this narcissistic trait has been the brunt of many of my problems with him. I can’t let it make me lose site of the areas I need to improve in myself, but this is one of the key characteristics of his that makes me lose some respect. Do any of you go through this?
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Re: Wondering if any of you go through this?

Postby jigglypuff » Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:07 pm

I have not experienced this with DH and honestly, I could not live with that.

My BPD mother does this kind of thing though. One day she takes accountability and is sorry, the next day she did nothing wrong and has no clue what you're talking about. She'll also blame others for situations that have gone sour instead of focusing and working on her personal shortcomings. It's almost as if she sees a completely different scenario from her pov and convinces herself of this. She'll also defend toxic family members if it suits her own needs. She's in constant denial and it's one of the many things we have fought over time and time again. It's extremely hard to deal with so I can only relate in that way.

I also notice that he pushes the ignore button and/or changes the subject anytime I hold him accountable for some of his actions. It’s very troubling and so reminds me of how all of the ILs behave.


That is troubling. How does one grow as a person if they are unwilling to recognize flaws and work on them? He can't improve if he isn't willing to see what he's doing wrong.

My DH never once blamed me for what happened with the ILs. He always knew they were the problem but would tell me to ignore them and sweep it under the rug like he's done his whole life. He'd tell me "that's just how they are" as if I had to put up with it just for the sake of. I told him that that is not who I am and how I didn't have to deal with it.

What really got under my skin was how unbothered he was to a lot of things. Things the ILs have said and done that DH magically didn't see or hear even though it was done right in front of him. He allowed his family to openly disrespect me several times and would not step in and speak up. Not feeling protected by my partner is what hurt me and caused my resentment. I can't even imagine what it'd feel like if he blamed me while turning a blind eye. That, I don't think I could recover from.

He is cutting you deep and adding salt to the wound. How is it possible to work on yourself while dealing with that? That is a lot on your shoulders.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Wondering if any of you go through this?

Postby bsfighter1 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:27 pm

Thank Jiggy for your comments. It’s hard. I was talking to my mother today about self-improvement and spiritual growth (not sure if you’re spiritual but this is one of the areas I’m trying to look even more seriously at lately for my continued healing) and she said “I’m not sure if your spiritual maturity has clicked completely yet because you would be at a place right now where it really doesn’t matter how DH behaves because your focus would just be on what you have to do.” Yikes! :shock:

I do get it in a way, what’s she’s saying because me shifting my focus onto DH’s flaws to defend myself isn’t going to necessarily help me on my individual journey. On the other hand, DH (along with his family) have made everything seem like it’s my fault (well, to be fair DH finally sees how crappy his family is but that took YEARS of me trying to defend myself with him, and get him to effectively defend me too ... even though to this day he still falls for some of the lame excuses whenever they do something off the wall or persist in their pride and stubbornness). I’m only human, and while the il thing still stings up to this day it’s DH’s trait of twisting all our relationship problems onto me that really gets me defensive. I feel like if I just turn a blind eye to it I’ll actually start to believe that everything is my fault (or the kids will) and My self-worth will crumble.

It’s tricky trying to let go of my defensiveness enough to move on with healing myself, while still holding people accountable, especially those who rarely take any accountability for their actions. Wish life could be more straightforward sometimes.
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