SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

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SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby jigglypuff » Sun Jun 02, 2013 10:05 pm

I know I haven't been around lately, I'm sorry about that. Thank you to those who have reached out to me and have been my support. I don't know what I would do without you guys. I have been trying to deal with all of these personal issues and today SIL brought some new drama and has finally succeeded in turning her DD against us. I'm going to try to write this all the best I can. I'm still shaken up, sad and angry so please bear with me.

As many of you know from my past posts, NIL has been contacting us to attend family gatherings and her upcoming bday bash in September. We have told her mom, SIL to contact us herself because we didn't want to keep having to disappoint NIL, having to tell her no and explaining why. It puts us in an awkward position and it only looks like a guilt trip. SIL agreed and said she would contact us herself. Well guess what happens? She has been planning this bday bash since last fall (that we know of because that's when NIL informed us of it) yet we were never informed by SIL personally. Months later, DH hears about it from MIL and SFIL but SIL never called DH. She said she was "busy" and meant to get around to telling us for the last 10 months :roll:

DH ends up on the phone struggling to explain why we prefer SIL to contact us and she kept taking him circles, being a bitch and saying we're making a mountain out of a molehill. Well, that's when I lost it. I yelled and called her a "fucking bitch", she heard and I repeated myself. She claims NIL heard it (I call bs, I think she told her) and began to cry. After this it went to text messaging and things got uglier. I told SIL everything that I had sitting in my chest for years. As usual, she tries to gaslight me, tells me it's all my fault and how she's been nothing but nice to me. More lies since I ESIL told me SIL had talked shit about me. I know she bashes me in front of NIL because NIL once told me some negative things about another fam member and his wife.

I told SIL that she and her family are never at fault and how it's funny that other in laws in the family agree with me and say the very same about them and their behavior. All she kept saying was that I was fighting with myself and that I cause drama in my own little head. Soooo many things were brought up and so many ugly things were said. I'm not sure if it was NIL or SIL but one of the two were texting me on NIL's phone, saying that her mom loves me and that nothing was her fault and how I need to stop fighting with the family. I basically told her this was an issue between adults and she should not have been involved in and I wasn't carrying on this kind of conversation with a 15 year old. In the middle of all this, SIl says we're always welcome back into the family and she loves us. Okay, what??? You turn your kid against me, argue with me then say you love us and we're always welcome in your life? Da fuck??? As I'm sure she would be oh so friendly with me next time we saw each other. I told her to call me to talk things out and she ignores it. It ended with DH telling her to block our numbers and stop texting us.

I have done so many things for her DD and this is what I get for it. I'm the only one in that entire fucking family who talks to her kid and takes her out. The kid is visibly miserable, depressed and in therapy for the issues her family causes her. Now I'm the bad guy? FUCK YOU SIL! She's so luck she isn't in front of me because I swear, I think I would have attacked her. I'm such a loose cannon now. I can't take anymore. I told DH that this was enough. I can't take these people bringing problems to my home anymore. The lies, the manipulation, the mind games, the anger, sadness, all of it. I am fuckin' done.
'Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others'
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby Justdone » Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:09 am

Oh, Jiggly, I am so sorry. I am thankful to see that your DH is supportive of you. At least you have him in your corner. I think it would/could be much worse if he wasn't.

A ray of hope, maybe....is that this girl (your NIL) is seeing a therapist. Why is that hope you might ask? Well, because if she shares all the crap that goes on between her mother and you, the therapist might be able to show her where the problem lies (and it's not with you).

I think it was good that you finally were able to tell SIL what an evil witch she is. Having to bottle that up inside you for so long is not healthy. Look at it this way. Bottling it up has just worked to poison you from the inside while she does her poisoning from the outside. Now that you've pulled the cork so to speak, you can release the vile stuff taking up room in your heart and mind and replace it with good stuff. Remember, YOU are not responsible for how SIL or NIL for that matter, behave, react, think, respond....etc. You are responsible for you, your thoughts, your actions, etc. Keep putting good out there (and not necessarily toward NIL, but others who you love and appreciate) and I promise it will come back to you. It may not be immediate, but it WILL come back.

I know it's hard to not think about evil people and the things they say and do that hurt you. I have a hard time with the stupid things my FIL does and says that directly have to do with me. But, I'm coming to a place where I pity him more than feel anger toward him. I still feel angry sometimes, but I remind myself what a miserable person he is and how awful an existence that must be to only thrive when you are making someone else's life hell. I have learned too that some of the people he has spread lies about me to, have come to question what he has said. Why? Because they interact with me or see that what he tells them bears NO resemblance to reality whatsoever. I even had one man tell me, "Wow, you're not as bad as I've heard." LOL Hmm.... ya think?

So, hang in there, girl. You know you can always come here as you have done before to let it all out. No judgement, just support. Even though I've only posted a few times, I feel the support from people here is so genuine. Isn't it amazing that people we've never met, have never seen their faces, don't know a whole lot more about them than the IL situations they post can be such good friends in times of need like this? I'm so very grateful. ((((((Hugs))))))
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:37 am

jigglypuff wrote:Now I'm the bad guy? FUCK YOU SIL! She's so luck she isn't in front of me because I swear, I think I would have attacked her. I'm such a loose cannon now. I can't take anymore. I told DH that this was enough. I can't take these people bringing problems to my home anymore. The lies, the manipulation, the mind games, the anger, sadness, all of it. I am fuckin' done.


I'm so sorry for you Jiggly! I know exactly how you feel because this is the point I got to when I cut off my ESIL. I am such a peaceful person, generally, that my DH was shocked when I told him how angry I was with ESIL. He had no idea how upset I was because I didn't call her back and rebuke her for trashing me behind my back and turning a disagreement about who was responsible for paying a small bill into the back-biting life threatening issue it became.

I wished I'd called her a fuckin' bitch. Maybe I wouldn't have dwelled on it for so long afterwards. When I decided to cut her off, I put some things in the mail to her with no note, and never answered the phone when she called. I never even told her she was cut off. Maybe that was the cowards way out. Either way, I'll never be able to talk to Eddie Munster again. Even though he is a twisted kid, I always got along well with him and enjoyed spending time with him. I just wouldn't want him to be left alone in my home....

I remember the contempt that I felt when it first happened. I hadn't yet discovered this site and my best friend helped me so much because DH could only hear it for so long. Even my friend was shocked at the true depth of my feelings. I'm glad I expressed them to someone because keeping it bottled up didn't work at all.

When DH caught ESILs bitchy wrath a few weeks later (for a similar issue as mine) he told her he was cutting her off and why. While it was hard for him to deal with, he succeeded better than me, and maybe that's why.

((hugs)) Jiggly.
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby jigglypuff » Mon Jun 03, 2013 1:15 pm

A ray of hope, maybe....is that this girl (your NIL) is seeing a therapist. Why is that hope you might ask? Well, because if she shares all the crap that goes on between her mother and you, the therapist might be able to show her where the problem lies (and it's not with you).


Maybe. I don't know what NIL is going to tell her therapist if she even brings this up at all. I believe NIL has issues over her parent's divorce and her family ignoring and neglecting her. She's very angry, has gotten into fights at school and has gotten sassy with her teachers and adult family members. She called one teacher a bitch and got in trouble for it. She's dealing with a ton of issues and her emotionally absent family don't help her any. I doubt SIL will allow her to have a relationship with us past this point. She'll probably only allow it if I apologize to her which is never going to happen. I called her a fucking bitch because she is exactly that.

I think it was good that you finally were able to tell SIL what an evil witch she is. Having to bottle that up inside you for so long is not healthy.

I wished I'd called her a fuckin' bitch. Maybe I wouldn't have dwelled on it for so long afterwards


Lol, I don't regret it and I'm damn happy I said it. My friends told me the very same. One said I should have said it to SIL back years ago. She was mainly referring to the time where SIL screwed us over $300 for the bday bash she was throwing for MIL. She said my SIL has some brass balls to pull off that one. SIL doesn't think she's at fault for that either. of course it's okay to milk us for money just as she does her mommy. We all should drop hundreds of dollars at their request because they're that damn special.

I think turning NIL against us was what SIL had planned. She knew it guilted us and caused us to disappoint her DD every time she called to invite us over. Why would a mother put her daughter through that hurt and disappointment? She could have easily said "okay honey, if you really want your aunt and uncle there, I will talk to them and we'll try to sort something out." But no, she puts her DD in the middle and us in an awkward position and as usual, she's too stubborn and stupid to realize how damaging her actions are towards her own kid. And it didn't matter to her that she had agreed to contact us first. She did it all on purpose i believe. I truly feel she didn't care to have us at her DD's party. She has never given a damn about our feelings or even keeping contact with us. She favors EBIL and ESIL because they give her money whenever she wants it.

Then this bitch has the nerve to tell me to "grow up". Funny, I'm not the one who milks my mommy for money. She's throwing this big party she can't afford and has MIL paying for it. This even caused a fight about financial issues between MIL and SFIL but does SIL care? Of course not. As long as she gets what she wants, she's happy. She's even had her mommy pay her bills and clean her house but I'm the one who needs to grow up? I never took a dime out of my mother's pocket nor has my mother ever had to cook or clean for me as an adult. I wouldn't even dare ask such a thing.

But that's how scummy narcissists are, self serving. She called DH again last night and ranted at him about how I "offended" and "insulted" her. I think she said something about how he should defended her because she's his sister. He told her that I'm his wife and he didn't care how she felt because she and the family have been offending and insulting me for years. He also told her she had ostracized him and cut her off. She then text him saying that if we wanted, we would be welcomed back in the family. if this is what your shitty ass family has to offer and this is the love they give, no thank you! Shove it up your ass! I hope she sees this post someday. That would be awesome!
'Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others'
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby Hiddenjem » Mon Jun 03, 2013 5:40 pm

"He told her that I'm his wife and he didn't care how she felt because she and the family have been offending and insulting me for years. He also told her she had ostracized him and cut her off. She then text him saying that if we wanted, we would be welcomed back in the family. if this is what your shitty ass family has to offer and this is the love they give, no thank you! Shove it up your ass! I hope she sees this post someday. That would be awesome!"

I am glad that you were able to expresss your anger with SIL and the bonus of having your Dh back you up, priceless!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby jigglypuff » Tue Jun 04, 2013 2:54 am

I am glad that you were able to expresss your anger with SIL and the bonus of having your Dh back you up, priceless!


It was one of the happiest moments of my life :lol: At the time I was actually on the phone with my mom laughing. I then yelled into DH's phone and told SIL to stop calling DH and call me since she didn't like what I had to say. Little coward yells and talks to DH because she knows he's passive but she won't dare speak to me. Punk bitch.

I mean really, what was she expecting? She has been rude, intrusive and offensive towards me, ignores both DH and I for years, yells at us and expects us to be nice to her? Her problem is that she thinks she's the Queen Bee and her shit don't stink. You don't yell at my DH because you don't want to admit you're wrong and then expect me to just sit back and accept it. No honey, you crossed the wrong one.
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby Bella7 » Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:07 pm

(((Hugs)))

Wow, Jiggly. How are you feeling about it all now?

I'm glad you and your DH were united in this. That's what really matters.

I think it's some pathetic BS that your SIL acts PA and and rude to you, but then tries to hide behind her daughter and brother. She is definitely the one who needs to grow up. And the nonsense about being still welcome in the family. Is she mentally ill? I'm sorry you won't get to see NIL.

All of this reminds me of when MIL and I tried to discuss things and the result was me not speaking to her since. The entire discussion she wouldn't acknowledge a single thing she did to me in over a decade, but had a list of ridiculous accusations for me. Everytime it was her chance to take responsibility she'd say "this isn't going to work." Finally I got up and said "congratulations you won't see your grandkids. You're a horrible person and a moron who can't even write a grammatically correct sentence." The feeling of saying that was quite a rush and I don't regret it. After putting up with her horrible treatment for so long it was a relief just to be able to tell her a little of what I really think about her. I was also a little freaked out because I knew I'd burned that bridge. I'm guessing that's how you feel? MIL immediately called DH crying, just like your SIL calling your DH. These people don't seem to know when they have gone to far. My DH says he can still hear his mom saying "this isn't going to work" in his head and it pisses him off.
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby milesaway » Tue Jun 04, 2013 5:11 pm

Highly, I know that the fall out from this will continue but in the moment you must have felt frickin awesome to let the years of pent up emotion out. I must have felt great to stop biting your dang tongue and just let it out!! For that moment, I am envious...
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby jigglypuff » Tue Jun 04, 2013 11:28 pm

Wow, Jiggly. How are you feeling about it all now?


Not sure. My emotions haven't really been stable for a while since my anxiety and depression hit into overdrive the past month. I go through waves of happiness, relief, anger and sadness over NIL.

The entire discussion she wouldn't acknowledge a single thing she did to me in over a decade, but had a list of ridiculous accusations for me.


Ugh, the stupidity!

SIL isn't confirming saying anything negative about me because she knows they are not logical reasons. Saying that I'm never around is not a reason to dislike me. So is not me allowing her to take over my wedding party, my difference in religion, my not taking DH's last name, my being childfree and my not bowing down to every one of her family's demands when they're unreasonable. Admitting she said any of this will only make her look like an ass and she knows it. She could have asked me why I was coming around less often at any time (reasons were ESIL and my illness) but she never bothered but was quick to talk crap to the family about my absence. Saying that I must hate them when I at that time actually thought they were great people. Little did I know.

Well today SIL texts DH and says she can't believe he's blaming her for what happened and she'd like to know what she did to me that made me hate her so much. I don't know why she's bothering asking that now. When DH and I told her some things she's done, she either ignored it or told me it's all in my head. So what would be the point in talking about these things if she's only going to deny everything and say I'm just making it all up? She keeps going in circles asking and saying the same things. It's like arguing with a mental patient.

Finally I got up and said "congratulations you won't see your grandkids. You're a horrible person and a moron who can't even write a grammatically correct sentence." The feeling of saying that was quite a rush and I don't regret it.


:lol: Awesome! It does feel good doesn't it? To finally release what I've been holding in for years was therapeutic. I'm glad you got to say that to your bitch of a MIL. She deserved a lot more.

I was also a little freaked out because I knew I'd burned that bridge. I'm guessing that's how you feel?


I felt this way 2 and half years ago when we had a falling out with ESIL and EBIL because I knew from that point, the relationships between all of us were destroyed and there was nothing I could do to fix them. Now I'm just hurt over losing NIL. SIL could drop dead tomorrow and I wouldn't even think twice about it.

Highly, I know that the fall out from this will continue but in the moment you must have felt frickin awesome to let the years of pent up emotion out. I must have felt great to stop biting your dang tongue and just let it out!! For that moment, I am envious...


Oh yes! Felt even better when I knew how much it bothered her. She finally felt the shock and jabs from it just as she did me over the years. There really was no point in trying to be nice since that never got me anywhere. I figured, eff it. They don't care about my feelings and don't filter the hurtful things they say, why should I? We never really had a relationship. They never loved me so why I should I care?
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby vrana » Thu Jun 06, 2013 5:57 pm

Oh yes! Felt even better when I knew how much it bothered her. She finally felt the shock and jabs from it just as she did me over the years. There really was no point in trying to be nice since that never got me anywhere. I figured, eff it. They don't care about my feelings and don't filter the hurtful things they say, why should I? We never really had a relationship. They never loved me so why I should I care?


Wow JigglyPuff, you might be my new hero! I SO wanted to tell my in laws what I really thought of them when they tried to get my husband to divorce me (and attempted to convince him I was mentally ill), but everyone told me NOT to do it. I regret not telling them off now, in a way, because I feel like they didn't deserve to be treated any better than they have treated me. I also really felt like they should experience what it is like to have someone say such horrible things about them! They've been veritable lunatics and someone needs to point that out to them! I've been a freaking saint compared to the ways they've acted towards me.

It sounds like overall, you are happy you told her off? Is that correct? I'm interested in hearing how your perspective evolves as some time goes by. I have a feeling it will always feel validating and rewarding.
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Fri Jun 07, 2013 11:29 am

jigglypuff wrote:They don't care about my feelings and don't filter the hurtful things they say, why should I? We never really had a relationship. They never loved me so why I should I care?


This point is the one thing that I'm sad to say bothered the hell out of me when I first realized it. Because we spent so little time with ESIL and clueless BIL, her DH, I imagined in my mind that they liked or loved us, but they were just so immature that they didn't know how to do the niceties like thank you notes, phone calls on our birthdays, Christmas cards, etc. I always filed away their behavior and selfishness in my mind as ignorance or silliness. The whole family was like a group of tweens and it never occurred to me that the reason ESIL never called to say hello (unless she needed money) was that they really didn't care about us at all.

We were on vacation a few years ago on our anniversary and CBIL actually called us to wish us a happy anniversary. We were on the patio of a restaurant in a beautiful seaside community. Live music was filtering in from the bar next door. When I answered my cell I was so surprised it was them wishing us a happy anniversary, I fell off my chair and landed on a short retaining wall. :oops: :lol:

Then ESIL got on the phone. She mentioned that CBIL's birthday was the following week on the same day as their anniversary and they sure could use $500 to fix their new truck that CBIL had run off the road on the way home from picking up Frappuccinos. They didn't deserve to have to look at those terrible scratches. I wished them a happy anniversary/birthday and got off the phone. We didn't send them anything, but laughed at how they must have found out from MIL that we were on vacation and wanted "their share" of the money we were spending on ourselves.

I look back now and it is so obvious that that was the only use they ever had for us. I felt very used and hurt by how very little they cared for us, then I realized that knowledge was the most freeing thing. We didn't destroy some great relationship when we went NC. They were users and we called them on it and we have been released.

You don't grieve for the loss of what you never had and therefore could never have lost.
Last edited by rubycrownedkinglet on Sat Jun 08, 2013 7:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby desperate1 » Fri Jun 07, 2013 3:16 pm

She "loves" you and you're always 'welcome back?' Hmmm...that passive-aggressive patronizing tone sounds oh so familiar. My SIL back stabbed me with another woman, attempted to underhandedly belittle me as well amongst the rest of the family as she has a queen bee complex and was jealous of my good relationship with our mother-in-law. Her response when being called out on it, was not an "I'm sorry," but an "I'm sorry you perceived it that way." ...among a litany of other patronizing things that did not match up with her rude and cold behaviors. Your SIL sounds like a piece of work and, her turning her DD against you may ultimately backfire. I'd just keep your calm and ignore her. I've cut mine off and it's been a refreshingly peaceful few years.
When people who are honestly mistaken learn the truth, they will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest! : Anonymous
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Re: SIL has sunk to a new low and I lost it

Postby jigglypuff » Sat Jun 08, 2013 6:05 am

I SO wanted to tell my in laws what I really thought of them when they tried to get my husband to divorce me (and attempted to convince him I was mentally ill), but everyone told me NOT to do it. I regret not telling them off now, in a way, because I feel like they didn't deserve to be treated any better than they have treated me. I also really felt like they should experience what it is like to have someone say such horrible things about them!


Some people have told me the same. Others told me I was being waaay too nice for too long. Problem with lashing out the way I did, it gives the ILs ammunition to use against you. I personally don't give a damn anymore at this point. They can say and do whatever they want, I just don't want to deal with their crap anymore.

It sounds like overall, you are happy you told her off? Is that correct? I'm interested in hearing how your perspective evolves as some time goes by. I have a feeling it will always feel validating and rewarding.


I don't regret it one bit. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. She definitely had it coming to her. She has spoken down to me and DH before and I just kept quiet and nice about it. Doing that made me feel worse than cursing at her.

I look back now and it is so obvious that that is the only use they ever had for us. I felt very used and hurt by how very little they cared for us, then I realized that that knowledge was the most freeing thing. We didn't destroy some great relationship when we went NC. They were users and we called them on it and we have been released.

You don't grieve for the loss of what you never had and therefore could never have lost.


Same here. SIL acts as though our not talking for almost 3 years is no big deal. Did she not get a clue that we kept a distance from practically all the ILs that there was a problem? No one ever cared to keep contact with us. I would always text them on holidays and bdays but they'd never do the same for me. They only faked it with me because of the fact that I'm DH's wife. I guess that's something but it hurts when you find it the out hard way that it isn't genuine. I never once got a phone call from any of them but I guess that shouldn't surprise me since they don't even bother to call DH, their own flesh and blood.

She "loves" you and you're always 'welcome back?' Hmmm...that passive-aggressive patronizing tone sounds oh so familiar.


That's exactly her tone, patronizing. After telling me "This is how our family operates" I knew this bitch thought of me as doormat. As if now that I'm married in, I should shut up and follow along just as ESIL does.

Her response when being called out on it, was not an "I'm sorry," but an "I'm sorry you perceived it that way." ...among a litany of other patronizing things that did not match up with her rude and cold behaviors.


That's exactly the kind of response I've gotten from both her and EBIL. I guess we're just overly sensitive people who go around looking for trouble with those that are kind and genuine. :roll:

Funny how all of our ILs are so much alike. There's definitely something to this. How they're so good at dismissing and undermining others. I can definitely see why my ILs behave this way. MIL never corrects their behavior. She simply enables it. I've seen it time and time again. She's the core of this narcissism.
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