Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby sensitivesoul » Thu Mar 31, 2011 12:53 pm

I'm new and this is my first topic. I have been married for 5 years

Before we got married, my in-laws lived in a rented house, yes they have always lived in a rented house and they were already 60 yrs (very very meagre rent). So they told DH before you get married you give us the money for the house, as we have spent money on your studies and everything, and they were scared that once he gets married i would not let him give away the money like that. Without my knowledge gave a HUGE amount of money to them... My parents were kind of not really happy about the fact that how come these old people about to touch their 60s are still living in a rented house, in any case that was not something to really object about for a wedding... So we got married and after a few months they buy this house and we get the call... I was like how come they are buying a house now. the money that DH gave them was 70 percent of the whole cost, they did not take the mortgage and gave the other 30 % and bought the house. That is when DH told me about the money.. he said otherwise they would have not been happy on our wedding.. i was like excuse me.. you gave such a huge amount of money to them...

Its been 5 yrs of our marriage we have a 14 month old baby and we still live in a rented apartment.. all our friends are like when will you buy the house and i cannot discuss the situation with anyone of them, we all belong to a known circle.. We cant tell them We freaking dont have money to buy the house... But my DH is like that is alright we will save again and make a nice house for ourselves... and I am like WHEN when we are 50 yrs old.

When my son was born last year, their first grandchild, they gave my son CASH, yes very little cash, and nothing else... never ever asked me how i was feeling when was soo sick to the extent had to be admitted to the hospital due to dehydration and no nutrition... My MIL said "that is normal, her Mom was saying they also got sick so its no big deal"
and the very last year 4 months after my son was born, My FIL bought my MIL a diamond necklace and earrings.

There are soo many long stories of my MIL and FILs cheapness that i will be posting in future. today this was the one really upsetting me...

When i think about these things and many more, it just makes me sad to the extent that i cannot bring myself to smile or do anything.. i just get soo withdrawn... My DH says you just keep talking about the same things, get over them or go to a Therapist... What should I do.
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Re: Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby veryannoyed » Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:31 pm

Your husband was wrong to give them money. Unless he owed it to them. That was before you met. My MIL made it clear that my husband owed her money and right after we started dating she suddenly wanted to get payments from him. He did make payments until I got pregnant with our son. I told her, he owed you before we met. I am not responsible to pay you. Neither is my son. So, he just does stuff for her around her house. As payment. I made it very clear to her that we will never pay for anything $$$$ he will spend his time helping her with something. And will always do what he can to make sure her NEEDS are met....NOT wants.

So they put your DH through college and now he "owes" them for it? Was this planned ahead of time or is it a guilt trip??? My MIL says stuff like this all the time, but my DH paid for his own education and went into the Army right after...to get away from her. He was in Germany for almost 4 years. She is still guilt triping him.

We too have been married for almost 5 years, we are older parents in our 40s. We already have our plans set for our kids....MIL can't bug us about how we are raising our kids....etc. We are grown and have been independant for many years before we got married. She is just really annoying and controling. I hope that you will stand up for yourself. I recently have had anxiety attacks because of this situation with MIL. And had an irritation in my stomach and have been sick for many months.

My DH bought MIL and FIL's old house....the one he was brought up in. I hated it because i could never change anything in it. "Mom had it this way" or "dad did it this way" etc. He owes her money for the down payment. Of course during the 10 years that he had it before i came a long he was a door mat for her to come to her old house for many weeks at a time when ever she wanted. Also it became a hostel for many family members who were on the way to or from the airport. Then he would drive them 5 hours away to her house...then pick them up again weeks later and back to the airport......... See he has been controled by mil almost all his life.

Inlaws can be very controling. I have dealt with this for 7 years and find this site very helpful. Please keep us up on what is happening. I am sure i can relate and many others here. Just remember you and your son should be number 1 with your husband. Sometimes it takes awhile for them to get it, because of all the years that they were controled by the inlaws. Try and focus on the positive things that you have in your life and find resources to help you. Friends or family to spend time with. Find other mothers that you can have coffee with etc. I was depressed for awhile. you are not alone there.
MIL's aren't always in laws...sometimes they are out-laws!
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Re: Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby sensitivesoul » Fri Apr 01, 2011 12:56 pm

Thanks so much for your response. Over the last 5 yrs there have been many fights over this issue between be and DH. But we both worked and have saved some money so we think we can buy something in next 2-3 yrs.

They are a bunch of totally inconsiderate people, well you spent money on his studies, only to get it back with interest !!! the most selfish parents i have ever seen... my DH says this makes me feel that i have an upper hand "i paid you the money, dont crib now" he also feels that his parents had the ability to ruin our wedding like anything and to save us he did it... this makes me feel bad for DH. after 5 yrs he has understood what his parents are, but the kind off culture we are in, we cannot totally cut them off, we live far far away from them now... but i dont know about future. we might be living close to them and they will be dancing on our heads... They have BIL totally fooled wait till he gets married, i hope his wife can get some sense into him.. anyways i dont care about them...

I just want to make a house of my own as they are thinking that we have the money but wouldn't buy and are waiting for them to die and get a portion of the inheritance and THen buy a house.. God knows i dont want their crap.. God will make my house and that shall be a slap in their face.
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Re: Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby willthetruthbetold » Thu Apr 07, 2011 5:53 am

I don't know the where you live or the laws in your state, nor do I know if there was any sort of contract or agreement between your DH and his FOO concerning money transactions. You may have some leverage to get the money back depending on the situation and the laws. There are federal laws concerning how much you can "gift" another person during one year without paying penalties. If it was a gift, your ILs should have reported it to the IRS and if is was a loan, they should be paying it back. I suggest that you contact a good accountant or tax adviser or attorney concerning this matter if your DH also feels that the money was a loan.
I'd also sit down and have a frank discussion with your DH concerning financial matters, especially giving $$$ to ILs, and come to an agreement. Is it OK for him to hand his mother $2 without consulting you? How about $2000? My DH and I have an agreement not to give money to ANYONE without consulting the other because of the issues generated in money transfers.
This being said, I have to add that money and my ILs has been a big issue in our marriage. My parents never borrowed ONE PENNY. My ILs are constantly trying to shake DH and me down for cash and gifts. I've posted on this site about IL mooching and outright stealing:
- MIL and FIL stole the entire contents of DH's bank account and never paid it back. They used it on trips, one or more fur coats, jewelry and restaurants while my DH was practically starving in college.
- Golden SIL used to taunt us with her/her DH's income when they were making more than DH and I were (in graduate schools or working our way up) and flaunted all her material things. When DH and I finally got our careers up and running with resultant income, GSIL was suddenly SO POOR and begged DH for money. We gave her many thousands to patch over the (supposed) crises in her life, then found out that they were also using the $$$ for new car notes, trips, expensive clothes for their DD and fancy toys for their DS.
- MIL and FIL pretended that they were depressed because they needed a new car. "(MIL) put dents in the old one because she kept hitting things", said FIL. They claimed that they didn't have any money and could we help them? One lie lead to another and FIL went out and ordered a new expensive import, then sent us the bill. He couldn't back out, he said, and MIL would be SO DISAPPOINTED in her son/my DS if she couldn't get that dream car. FIL actually lied on the phone to DH, demanding that he send a couple of thousand more than the car cost. I demanded to see the bill, and found out that FIL was trying to extract more! "What's a few thousand to YOU?" he said. :shock:
- MIL and FIL always expect that we pay for dinners when we visit. "Oh, don't fuss with cooking!" MIL says. "You can pick a nice restaurant, wherever you want to go" and then she and FIL are always in the bathroom when the bill comes. They order the most expensive entrees and add on extras; appetizers (they drag it to their side of the table and eat it all!), soup, salad, coffee, dessert, etc. Then they take it home, along with all the condiments on the table.
- GSIL's unemployed DH actually asked if I would hire him after years of being abrasive to me. I told him I didn't have any openings, and then went out and hired someone else. BIL also wanted us to provide free housing for him along with the job.
MIL and FIL's mooching of other FOO is legendary, but that's another story.
As for me, I say NO MORE!
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Re: Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby sensitivesoul » Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:38 pm

Yes actually this money was given before we got married, we were together, but probably not at that stage where he consults stuff with me... so it not a loan it was kinda payback for all the money they spent on his education, well obviously what he paid was much more than that. DH has no qualms about it. But now i'm very strict that no money should be transferred without my knowledge. The fact that pinches me the most is that we are still living in a rented apartment, when everyone else around us have their homes all set paying their mortgage and we are sending our money down the drain by giving rent...

Money is the major issue with my Ils and us... they never pay for restaurants, whether they are in our town or we are at their place, Its DH always taking out his wallet and FIL has hardly ever volunteered to pay.. its like we are always treating them. We are tired of all this, we are always taken advantage of..
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Re: Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby Rebekahsmom » Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:40 pm

Dh and I went through this too and we are going on 6 years of marriage. My husband supported his parents all through high school and college. They didn't even pay for his college (we are paying student loans). His mother felt that he still owed her after all that and used his ssn to open up credit cards in his name that she never paid back. It took us 3 years to recover his credit and 1 year afterwards to save for a house.

From this experience, all I can tell you is to keep holding your head up high. Keep reaching for that dream of home-ownership because it will happen even if right now it seems impossible. Besides, one day your inlaws will need long-term care and who better to decide which nursing home to stick them in then you and your husband! LOL :twisted:
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Re: Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby i have had it » Thu Apr 14, 2011 5:59 am

Your husband was wrong to give them money. Unless he owed it to them. That was before you met. My MIL made it clear that my husband owed her money and right after we started dating she suddenly wanted to get payments from him. He did make payments until I got pregnant with our son. I told her, he owed you before we met. I am not responsible to pay you. Neither is my son. So, he just does stuff for her around her house. As payment. I made it very clear to her that we will never pay for anything $$$$ he will spend his time helping her with something. And will always do what he can to make sure her NEEDS are met....NOT wants.



I totally disagree with this. If your DH owed his DM money he should pay it back. If he had taken a loan out before you met would you go tothe bank and tell them that now you are pregnant you will no longer be paying the money back and he will come to the bank and work there in his spare time?

Its irrelevant whether she uses the money he owes her for wants or needs. Its money she is owed and therefore hers to do with as she wishes. You don't get to decide what she can spend it on and you dont get to decide that she is no longer entitled to money owed because you are pregnant. If you couldn't afford to have a child and pay off his mother then youshould have put off having a child till his mother was paid back.

If however his mother is happy for him to do work on her home instead of cash payments thenit is irrelevant. But to say she is no longer getting paid back money she is owed becasue you now have a child is entitled and wrong.
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Re: Mooching off of us, cheap in-laws

Postby veryannoyed » Thu Apr 14, 2011 7:12 pm

Its really hard for someone to understand this situation unless you are in it. I do not owe my MIL anything. Now that my husband is working off the money owed to her, there doesnt' have to be a payment. She is just greedy. My DH has paid for stuff almost all his life for his parents....stuff that a regular person wouldn't. His parents were his life until he met me at 38 years old. I think he saw it as a way out and yes we did have kids, but she was all for it and he was still doing repairs on her house. If my husband died tomorrow she would be on her own. I have no ties to her. He was raised by her and her 3 rd husband. Unfortunately for DH. He does owe her money and has settled with her for now. i will never pay her if dh died. Me and the kids don't owe her anything. She has been nothing but a thorn in my side since we got together. I wish that she didn't live 4 1/2 hours away the first year. If she lived 1/2 hour away like she does now i would have never married him. he owes her $40,000, for a payoff of property so that he could buy the childhood home that she couldn't let go of. I believe that it was a guilt trip. This is just my opinion since I am the one who has to live this day to day.
MIL's aren't always in laws...sometimes they are out-laws!
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