Do you regret your marriage?

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Do you regret your marriage?

Postby i'll rise » Sun May 14, 2017 10:25 pm

I hate to admit that I do.

In short, my strong aim to have a family ended up clouding my judgement in choosing my spouse. I excused away some aspects of his behaviour that after 10 years have become almost unendurable at this point.

After investing quite a bit in my own personal development and growth over the years (including therapy), it's really highlighted the gaps in my relationship, and how my DH and I aren't truly compatible. He still has remnants from his FOO, including passive aggression, self-centredness and emotional abusiveness (including gaslighting and minimization). He's the king of mean-spirited jokes -- if you call him out, of course he says "oh, you've got no sense of humour," etc and tries to turn it back around on you, as if you're the bad guy. He doesn't take responsibility for his behaviour -- his fall-back response is always denial and a "who, me?" attitude.

For instance, I learned after the fact (the truth dribbled out from him over a number of years) that he had seriously lied to me about the reality of his business with his brother. There were incredibly serious consequences that came as a result of this for us, which led to a horrific legal battle with BIL that lasted over 2 years.

I also found out much later after the fact that he spent thousands of dollars on his hair (getting it lasered because he was worried his hair was thinning), and he bought me a cheap wedding ring. He spent over 3x more on his hair than my wedding ring. It really symbolizes in many ways the state of our relationship. I don't wear my ring. To be honest, I've been tempted to throw it out.

I don't have anymore issues with my ILs because we went no contact a number of years ago, but now I'm left with my relationship. The collaborative work my husband and I had to do to fight against my ILs (e.g., including the long legal battle, where my BIL tried to financially destroy my husband) ended up camouflaging our own relationship issues, because we had to band together to fight off a mutual enemy.

At this point, if it weren't for my kids, I'd want to leave him.

Anyone else feel similar?
i'll rise
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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon May 15, 2017 1:41 pm

You are , unfortunately, not the only one. And while he has changed greatly in the last few years, my DH really has no understanding of the utter and pure emotional hell I have through. Not that I have been perfect through our marriage.

Me? I stay to protect my kids. I homeschool. Yeah, DH agreed with it but I knew if we divorced, he had his head so far up mummy's butt that she would easily convince him to put the kids in public school. Without exception in divorce hearings, if one spouse changes their mind about homeschooling, it doesn't matter how good the kids are doing , judges always force them into the schools. (the bias of the judicial system is nauseating) I knew Duh would be influenced to do just that because MIL HATED the fact I homeschooled. (only because SHE wasn't the one who suggested it first nor had any input in the decision) I didn't want my kids , after fostering such a love a learning, be thrown into our local public schools which are not very good. And I knew if DH had any visitation he would drop the kids off at MIL . I could not allow them to be abused. Period. By staying married I had all the power and used it. Total NC was put in place which up until her death, which peeved MIL off to no end. Grant you the last year has been better because the scales finally fell from DH's eyes but it has been pure hell. I hated being in the same room with him, could stand even looking at him. I was so happy when he left for work and upset when he came home. He picked up on it real quick. He would walk into a room, sit down & I would get up & leave. I wouldn't initiate holding hands, hugging etc. Not to punish him just because it sickened me. Now DH wants to apologize & make up the problem is I am so hurt that he would not protect me & his own children from the abuse I am just to the point I don't care. I had to become where I didn't care in order to survive and funnel my emotional energy into protecting my kids.

Like I said , my DH has been wonderful the last year but it is taking time now for ME to change. I don't regret that I had my children but not really sure anymore how I feel about my marriage because I have blocked out any feelings about it.
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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby Hiddenjem » Fri May 19, 2017 4:42 am

I'll rise, I can relate to the homeschooling legal reality. In the bumps of the road of marraige (and dealing with inlaw issues on both sides) it was a factor knowing it could be a unfortunate complication of homeschooling if I gave up. Now, we just have one left who is homeschooling age (two years left!)

Plus, the inlaws would be thrilled if Dh and I divorced. We wouldn't want that would we! Mil said to my face that Dh and I would never last the day she met me. I have always known that she is rooting against us but yet I accepted the challange. My choice, my consequences.

I honestly knew how much the inlaws hated me when I married him but didn't factor how much it could help make life easier to have a extended family base.

Also, I factored in our dogs. I love them so much and split custody would not be a good thing. :D

Do I regret marrying Dh?

No, but I have moments of it during Thanksgiving and Xmas season (extended family season.). I look at hallmark movie of the week type families and even though I know that everyone has problems, it does look appealing.

They may be looking at my situation and wishing for what we have though. Maybe it looks peaceful and sane compared to the reality of their real behind the scenes situations.

By the way, Dh is a twin who has like your Dh spent a lot of money on his hair (hereditary hair loss.) His twin has spent a insane amount of money on products, medical procedures, etc. Did it pay off? No. Dh has more hair than he does. Bil has a comb over and uses a lot of greasy hair products and dyes what hair his has hair dyed a overpowering shade of black.

I would see my wedding ring as a symbol of negativity as well in your place!

My Dh takes good care of me when I am sick or injured. He is a good dad to the human offspring and our dogs too.

We have paid a price for having bad inlaws on both sides but it made us band together in some ways. It was a journey getting to this place though. I had to remind him that I wasn't responsible for my so called birth families actions and deal with being married to a "peace keeper" with his own family. His family got away with way too much when I wasn't as wise and with less life experience.

If I could, I would go back and not take Dh's last name, I would take a abbreviated form of it. Or, I would of spelled it with one letter different than his and theirs. I don't like having the same last name as the inlaws.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby Bella07 » Fri May 19, 2017 12:30 pm

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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby Melody » Fri May 19, 2017 2:20 pm

First one Yes, second one No. With the second I regret that I didn't speak up and stop dealing with the elephant in the room much sooner - believing all the "she means well" CRAP

But this is kind of a loaded question. With all the crap I put up with from the first, I have two awesome kids (and two awesome from the second). If I didn't have the first marriage, I wouldn't have these two awesome older kids who I couldn't love more - they wouldn't be who they are.

Plus, I may not have even looked in the direction of my current husband had I not had to learn a few lessons about what is important. (Of course he was loyal and forgiving to a fault with his psychotic bitch stepmonster, but no one is perfect.)

I have to accept the journey I went through, because I'm happy where I am now. I'm very sorry for you who are now suffering and wish the same for you.
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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby bsfighter1 » Sat May 20, 2017 7:38 am

^^^ ditto. I have been through many periods (particularly during the 4 years of CO with ILs and when I was processing what had taken place with them) where I really hated my H and blamed him for bringing people like that into my life and throwing me to the wolves. Of course then, that was when he thought his brothers were actually 'friends' and he couldn't wrap his head around how these brothers he adored could betray him so much and not really care enough about him to stand up for him and his family, and protect their relationship with each other.

Somehow, this didn't matter at the time to me though because i didn't feel as protected by H as I thought he should have protected me. There were times I completely regretted marrying him-- after all, he was never the 'man of my dreams' but the main reasons I married him was because I had put up with drama and mistreatment with other men I had considered 'hot' and was at a place where I wanted a decent, stable, less drama life. I thought I would get this with H ...

To make a long story short, throughout the 4 years I have worked it through and processed it, and it came to a point where I asked myself, if I could go back and do it all again and be with someone else, would I? Then I thought of my precious children. Well, I couldn't go back now since I knew them. But then I rephrased the question ... how about if I could go back in time and my memory was erased of my children so that I truly would be starting from scratch.

A deep sadness overtook me then, and that's when I realized I didn't regret a thing because I had them. That's when I worked even harder to coexist peacefully with H because he is a part of them and they need him too, and I did see how he tried sometimes to defend me from ILs after co. But I realized he has been hurting so badly too that it's easy for him to slip back into denial and though frustrating, it's me who opens his eyes to reality based on the ILs ongoing behaviours and not their words. I admit, my trust and respect for H has been compromised and I am still generally defensive with him, like I have to watch my back cuz I can't count on him watching it for me, but we are generally at a more peaceful place now because we've accepted what happened with ILs in our own ways, and our love for our kids has been the lifesaver in the storm.

Edit- I just wanted to add after re-reading the original post, having kids with someone doesn't mean it's okay to put up with abuse of any kind. My H has traits from his FOO like not accepting responsibility and pointing fingers which drives me nuts, and sometimes I've considered it emotional abuse (although I admit I haven't been a saint at times myself) but I put him in his place and as time goes on he's starting to understand I won't take his crap. However, if you're with someone who is an outright abuser, the kids aren't necessarily enough to stick around. Only each woman knows her own unique circumstances to make that decision.
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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby jigglypuff » Sun May 21, 2017 9:58 am

I used to regret my marriage back when we were falling out with the ILs but I haven't felt that way in years. This does not mean I don't have some resentment left over. DH has apologized several times but that doesn't change the past. I suffer from PMDD and sometimes when my mood fluctuates, my mind replays those bad memories I wish I could forget. I end up back where I once was, miserable over DH and the ILs and that's when the resentment kicks in. Fortunately it's diminished a lot over the years. Generally, I am very happy with DH. We have always gotten along beautifully but the enmeshment he had with his family was killing us. Had he not gone NC, I would have signed divorce papers.

As for the kids, I don't have children so I can only imagine how difficult that would be. I can only share what it was like growing up in a dysfunctional home for me and my DB.
As many know, my mother has BPD, it runs in her family. My DF (RIP), whom I loved dearly, enabled my mother and was emotionally co-dependent. Something he himself grew up with having an enabling mother and abusive father. This caused huge issues in our household. My DB and I would hope and pray our parents would divorce but it never happened. I went through years of depression, even considered suicide. I dropped out of school because I could no longer function. At the time, I thought there was something wrong with me. Turns out, it was my toxic environment that was making me ill.

The entire time my parents were married, my father was unable to plan vacations or save to buy a home because my mother would drain the finances dry as he worked his ass off. They had to claim bankruptcy thanks to her. She is still up to her eyeballs in debt to this day.

After my DF died, my mother worsened, made us miserable and then one day, vanished without a word. My father's body wasn't even cold in the ground when my mother married a man she barely knew.

My DB and I believe, had my DF divorced my mother years ago, we would have been able to spare ourselves the misery. My DF could have had the chance to live a better life and offer us a better life as well. Instead, we were forced to stay dealing with neglect, emotional abuse and witnessing my parents fight like cats and dogs, sometimes to the point where it got physical. Very rarely but it happened.

Same happened to my ex best friend whose drug addict, ex con of a father brought nothing but trouble in the home. When the children grew up, her parents divorced which finally gave the family a chance to recover. They all ended up doing so much better for themselves once he was out of the picture.

Many think staying in a somewhat abusive household won't be so hard on the kids but I'm here to tell you, that isn't true at all. Your kids will pick up on everything that's going on in your home. They may not see a lot but they will feel it. The energy is different when parents are unhappy or dealing with marital abuse of any kind. They can see when their mother isn't happy. It all has a profound effect on them, their emotions, their psyche and how they will behave with their own spouses someday. Or even who they choose for a spouse.

I feel at times it's a lose, lose situation but you need to decide what's best for you and your children whatever that entails. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. Hopefully one day you and your children will be free of the madness your H and ILs are causing.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Wed May 31, 2017 11:27 am

No, I really don't regret my marriage.
I'm sorry that DH couldn't have kids and I'm sorry that his birth mother ever met the ILs and gave him to them to adopt. Any other parents would have probably been better. Being raised by a single mom would have been better.

Going on a road trip with his new sister and seeing where his Bmom grew up and lived the first part of her life was really interesting. Meeting a bunch of new family members and seeing what nice, upstanding people they seem to be was fascinating. Not one hick in the bunch, despite their addresses. I could have been very comfortable in an IL relationship with that group. Bmoms brother and sister told me that if unmarried Bmom had kept DH, her parents would have eventually accepted him and that they doted on Bmom way too much.

DH has a bunch of weird quirks that are a result of growing up in a home devoid of adults, and they drive me crazy sometimes, like his desire to control everything and his constant criticism. Still, I can see where it comes from and after 34 years, I'm finally figuring out what to say to him to get him to stop it. It's getting better.
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Re: Do you regret your marriage?

Postby Mara » Wed May 31, 2017 8:05 pm

I have three reasons I do not regret my marriage: my children.

Sometimes I worry about them acquiring undesireable traits (mental illness, personality disorders, etc) from my ILs. One of my children does show many signs she may be diagnosed with bipolar when she is older, like DH. But they are my children now and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Of course none of us know how our choices have truly affected the outcome of our lives (what if I ended up marrying someone else who was WORSE?), but if I had not married DH, I would be ten years into my profession as a CPA. I would own a home and would be well off financially. There would be so much more stability in my life and none of this chaos. I can't say that I would be happier too though, because my children bring so much joy to my life.

DH and I have had good times and I would say we have a good marriage when he is well (unfortunately he has been in manic and psychotic episodes throughout our marriage).
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