Overwhelmed with Life

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Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Mara » Fri Nov 09, 2018 3:56 am

OMG! I just spent two hours writing a post. Then I went to submit it and was told I needed to log in and I lost the entire thing. No time to rewrite it because my toddler is screaming his head off =(

This is so upsetting.

*UPDATE*

Ok let’s begin again.

My estranged husband’s (EH) mental health deteriorated abruptly and significantly in the past week or two. He’s in a full blown manic episode with psychosis. I don’t know where he is, if he is okay, and I’m so worried about him. He lives three hours away from any family, and his behavior has already destroyed the relationships he did have. Honestly, I don’t know what family relationships he still has (possibly only his mom. He wasn’t even invited to his brother’s wedding last month and a couple months ago, he punched his narcissist father in the face when his father was threatening me and my family).

Yesterday was extremely rough emotionally. I was having bad anxiety (multiple times of uncontrollable shaking, upset stomach, etc). My mind couldn’t settle down to sleep at night. Still now, I am having a hard time focusing on anything. I keep obsessively checking my phone, hoping for some news.

We’re already low-contact and I hadn’t heard from him in a week (a relief to me). Then Monday he texted me that he bought a house. He was really excited. He also left a voice message and I could tell he was manic by the high-energy, rushed way he spoke. Wednesday, he told me he quit his job and asked if he could rent a house my parents own (It’s occupied and NO WAY regardless). I’ve been so angry at him lately. He went back to work in the summer, but he hasn’t been giving me any money to support the kids because he sees it as HIS money, he feels no responsibility to financially support his own children, and he has been spending recklessly and getting deeper and deeper into debt. Then yesterday, a car salesman who was extremely concerned about EH’s well being found me on social media (EH has been trading in cars at the dealership and my name was on the original title). He told me that Saturday, EH had come in and traded in his new Mercedes (for what I don’t know). Two days later, he returned, said he “bought new tires because he ran something over” and traded this second car in for a third car. Yesterday, he returned again wanting to trade in the third car for a fourth. The salesman said each day, EH was acting more and more strange. He said that yesterday, EH was making absolutely no sense (the psychosis). I was shaking uncontrollably due to anxiety while on the phone. I called the non-emergency number to do a wellness check on EH. An officer called back, telling me EH had rear-ended a woman while he was driving approximately 100 mph. I completely lost it sobbing. The officer said they were both in the hospital, but would be alright. Another officer called me back soon after, and said they were originally going to arrest EH for DUI (he seemed like he was on drugs due to his mania and psychosis). This is the exact thing that happened to him 2 years ago, but that time he did end up in jail until they realized it was mental illness. They did not want to release him considering his mental condition, but because of our state’s strict laws, they could not admit him to psychiatric treatment against his will. The officer also said EH did not have his wallet or BRAND NEW phone (the second one recently, at least that I know of). Apparently, he threw them into the ditch at the scene of the accident.

I have not heard anything since. I doubt EH would voluntarily commit himself for psychiatric treatment. It seems at this point that he is not thinking clearly AT ALL. He gets voices that he believes are real, strange delusions that cause him to put himself and others into danger, etc. One time in 2013, FIL found EH pacing at the train tracks. FIL thought EH was suicidal, but later EH told me that his uncle told him to go to the train track to get his deceased grandfather’s fancy sportscar. This was all the voices in his head. And he was obsessed with getting a luxury sportscar. It wouldn’t surprise me if he was driving one when he crashed yesterday. It's like unconsciously he has these underlying suicidal thoughts and they come out in indirect ways through the voices.


It’s hard to turn off my mind from all the worries. Not just about EH’s well being, but with the status of mine and the kids’ health insurance (which was through EH’s employer). I have a dr appt in two hours and I don’t even know if my insurance will be active. I have a dentist appointment next week. I’ve had cavities for two years, but I’ve put off the dentist due to anxiety. One of my teeth are now causing me pain, which is why I finally made the appointment. Now I don’t know if that will be covered either. The officer said EH told him that he was fired (not that he quit, like I was told). So I don’t know whether he will be eligible for COBRA. But even if he is, it is going to be approximately $1,000 a month for the family. We can’t afford that UNLESS MIL decided it was necessary to pay it for EH. I’m sure she would attempt to get the insurance for only him, not the family, in that case though. Also, my middle child has a significant speech delay. He finally going to therapy a few months ago, and it has helped immensely. We won’t be able to afford that either without insurance. I know he should get services through his school, but the reality is our speech therapist already has a full case load and still hasn’t even assessed my son.
A lesser worry is thinking, what’s going to happen to all the stuff he expensively bought to furnish his apartment? Is he going to lose it all? We lost over a thousand dollars worth of furniture the last time. He’s bought so much stuff recently, including a new mattress that he still is making payments on. It is so frustrating to think of the financial waste. Especially when the kids and I are living in my parents’ home with no income. I obsess over every single dollar I spend, and EH wastes hundreds, or now THOUSANDS without any concern.

I’m not worried about it now, but EH was in a depressed episode in the spring. I was SOOOO worried about him committing suicide at that time. He even adjusted his life insurance, which was so scary (obviously he was thinking about his death). I was having so much anxiety trying to figure out who would do funeral arrangements, me or the PILS. I haven’t seen or talked to them in two years, and I could not bear the thought of seeing them at his funeral.


I also wanted to mention the future of our relationship and what the future looks like for myself and the kids (so uncertain), but I don't have time for that now...
Last edited by Mara on Fri Nov 09, 2018 11:35 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Melody » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:16 am

Sorry Mara :(. Next time post then edit, or write it in a word doc then cut and paste. ((Hugs!!)) Sweetie!
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby WatchingMyBack » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:40 am

Mara - I'm sorry that happened.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed myself right now, and understand you need the support of the kind hearted community here.

{hugs}
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Mara » Fri Nov 09, 2018 11:31 am

Melody wrote:Sorry Mara :(. Next time post then edit, or write it in a word doc then cut and paste. ((Hugs!!)) Sweetie!

Thank you, GREAT suggestion. I just updated my post and that's how I did it.
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Mara » Fri Nov 09, 2018 11:32 am

WatchingMyBack wrote:Mara - I'm sorry that happened.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed myself right now, and understand you need the support of the kind hearted community here.

{hugs}


Thank you
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Sat Nov 10, 2018 9:50 am

Mara, I feel so badly for you, and the thing I'm going to write hurts even more. Even if you don't think you can afford it you need an attorney and a divorce. I know that none of your EHs behavior is really his fault, it's the illness, but you and your children need the protection of a legal relationship with your husband that will either make him financially responsible for things like insurance, or will make you eligible for assistance programs. I know you think it will be futile and he won't cooperate, but even without him doing anything the courts will require, you will be more protected than you are now.

I'd love nothing more than to say things will get better, but I don't think they will. My EBIL was bipolar and went through similar episodes. He has never been able to support his family. It took my GoodSIL 20 years to figure it out and divorce him. Even though he didn't comply with the court orders, he had to stop harassing her and she could at least have some say when he came and went to visit their child. Otherwise, he would just come and take DD with no word or warning. Once, after they had been living apart for a couple years, GoodSIL thought DD was kidnapped, but EBIL had taken her to the waterpark without a word to GoodSIL. Never mind that she had an ear infection. Never mind that he had her meet him at the back gate and sneak out. I'm sure they had a great day. The kicker is that the thing GoodSIL was most worried about was that if she called the police and if it was EBIL who had taken their DD, he might get in trouble. If it had been a stranger abduction, it wouldn't have been reported.

Find a way to get the money. Ask your parents for help. Try to find an attorney or Legal Aid that will help you for free. You may be liable for his debts and any lawsuits filed against him. I've seen it happen. I know you don't want to kick him when he is down, but you need to financially protect yourself and your children.

I'm sorry, Mara, but you are going to need to have the strength of two parents right now.
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Mara » Fri Feb 01, 2019 4:40 pm

rubycrownedkinglet -

Thank you so much for your response and advice. I hadn’t seen it until just now.

Around the time that I wrote this post, I met with a lawyer acquaintance for some guidance. He said he wasn’t an expert in this area, but he did not think I needed to worry about EH’s financial situation or being liable for any of his debts. It can be proven that our finances are separate and we have lived separately for more than 2 years now. I have no clue or control over what he does financially. I haven’t heard anything more about the house he bought or his car payments, but I do know that his parents are paying his COBRA insurance. He recently saw the kids for the first time in months. We met at a fast food place and he whipped out a crisp new $100 bill, so obviously his parents are taking care of him financially.

I agree that some of EH’s behavior is a result of his illness, but I have had to learn that I can not excuse his abusive behavior on the illness. It certainly takes away his filters and self control, but the underlying belief patterns and behaviors have always been there. And he is completely in denial of it all.

EH has no income (aside from his parents’ pockets) and no job prospects, so I don’t see any financial benefit to divorce.

EH knows that I will not allow him unsupervised time with the kids. I do not trust him to keep them safe and absolutely do not trust him to drive them anywhere. Our current custody/visitation arrangements are acceptable to me and I fear that a court would grant a custody/ visitation agreement that would be unsafe for the kids. I’m scared of the uncertainty and unknown of putting our situation in the courts’ hands. I know EH and his family can hire excellent lawyers to get what they want. Plus they are expert liars and manipulators. The thought of going against them in court is terrifying. EH has fooled so many people over the years that I don’t have faith in the court system to see the reality of the situation.

All in all, I feel that if there is no significant risk to myself in remaining married, the current situation is the best for the kids and myself. Even if we get divorced down the road, we will have years of precedent set in who is caring for the kids and the relationship EH has with them.

I can relate to your GoodSIL. Before I left EH, there were many times I also protected him from the consequences of his actions. I wish I filed a police report the day he attacked me. I spoke with the police but decided against it because I didn’t see a benefit in him going to jail.

At this point, I have no romantic feelings for him and I can’t imagine ever being able to trust him again. Sure he can have an epiphany and recognize and take responsibility for his abusive behavior, but the odds of that happening are slim to none. The idea of never getting back together with him gives me more comfort than the idea of reconciling.

A much more insignificant issue is the religious aspect. I grew up Christian and never thought I would divorce. I put up with mental abuse for years because I was instructed to be the merciful, forgiving, submissive wife. I know without a doubt that I did everything I could for our marriage, but a marriage takes two and EH wasn’t doing what was necessary. It was not safe or healthy for myself and the kids to stay any longer. I went to a Christian counselor for a while. She was very helpful and supportive, but she told me as a Christian I COULD NOT morally file for divorce (if he did, it was alright). She would advise me to just remain separated for the rest of my life. I don’t agree with her due to the fact that EH has already broken the marriage covenant through his actions. It’s just a legal technicality that we are still “married.” Occasionally lies pop up in my head, like that I am a failure for not being able to make my marriage work...
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby jigglypuff » Wed Feb 06, 2019 1:37 am

I'm so sorry Mara. At this point, is it possible for you to get government assistance for yourself and the kids? Hopefully they can help you. Sometimes there are programs to help place recipients in training programs and job placement. I've known several people who have ended up with great jobs because of it. It all depends on the state of course. Some even offer child care. Take a look into it if you haven't already and see what's available for you.

I don't know what can be said or done about your EH. The man needs help and medication. It's sad that our health system has failed him so miserably as has his parents who do nothing but enable him. I'm sorry you're stuck worrying about him and afraid to deal with his evil parents but don't be afraid of anyone. Don't allow them to hold that much power of you. You're a strong woman who's been through a lot. You're more powerful than you realize.

I put up with mental abuse for years because I was instructed to be the merciful, forgiving, submissive wife.


It's sad that many religious women feel this way. In the Bible though, submission is talked about for both parties. Men are to love their wives and sacrifice themselves for their wives as God did for the church. God also says he hates a man who treats his wife poorly. Before you go listening to church leaders or others, make sure you go through all the scriptures yourself. I find that most people like to pick and choose what conveniences them in the Bible, disregard a lot of related verses, then give poor advice to others.

I'm with you on disagreeing with what the Christian counselor said. Your EH's actions are enough to spiritually cause a divorce. God would not hold you responsible once your EH failed to be a good husband. The moment he was abusive, he broke his vows to you and God. As you know, God does not take that lightly.

Occasionally lies pop up in my head, like that I am a failure for not being able to make my marriage work...


You're not a failure because illness and your EH's actions are the true cause for the divorce. What could anyone do in a situation like this? Staying married legally wouldn't mean you have a real marriage. A real marriage is where two people work together to be to care and help one another. He has not, and cannot offer you that. He is not capable of being a husband to you or anyone.

I think you're in a vulnerable place right now. You are worrying over a lot and it's causing you a lot of self doubt. Right now what you need is to be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up isn't going to bring anything good into your life. When these terrible thoughts enter your head, view yourself as God views you, as a person of value and beauty. Try to stop thinking of the negative and give yourself a positive thought instead.

I wish I could be of more help to you. You and your family will be in my prayers. I hope things improve sometime soon *hug*
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby mamarama » Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:02 am

Hi Mara, it's good to hear from you, but I wish it was better news.

I agree that you shouldn't let H any unsupervised visits. He isn't in the right frame of mind to be trusted with the kids.

And I do agree that you need to find out EXACTLY what you could possibly be responsible for financially even though you and he have had separate accounts, households, etc., for two years.

You've put up with so much, not just from H but from the crazy ILs, and just the stress of dealing with all of it. I'm proud of you. Keep it together girl, for your sake and the kids'. You are an awesome mom :D
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Mara » Sat Mar 16, 2019 12:51 am

mamarama wrote:You've put up with so much, not just from H but from the crazy ILs, and just the stress of dealing with all of it. I'm proud of you. Keep it together girl, for your sake and the kids'. You are an awesome mom


Mamarama – Thank you for the encouragement =) It’s been rough. Sometimes I have the motivation to do better and be a better mom, but I feel like most of the time I’m just hanging by a thread, just stuck in survival mode…

jigglypuff wrote:I think you're in a vulnerable place right now. You are worrying over a lot and it's causing you a lot of self doubt. Right now what you need is to be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up isn't going to bring anything good into your life. When these terrible thoughts enter your head, view yourself as God views you, as a person of value and beauty. Try to stop thinking of the negative and give yourself a positive thought instead.


Jigglypuff – Thank you for your sympathy and suggestions. Especially related to my worry and self doubt, that was so on the money. Please continue to pray for me to not give in to anxiety and fear. My biggest worries are for the safety of my children. EH filed for divorce recently. I guess it works out because I think he is going to be more cooperative than if I would have been the one to file. But I am terrified that he will get court mandated un-supervised visitation. I looked up some information on supervised visitation and see that it is recommended when there has been emotional or physical abuse. I should be able to get supervised visitation, but I’ve been failed by the legal system before related to my lying EH and I am afraid they will fail me now.
Two of the people I used to confide in most in real life are the ultra-conservative, rigid, judgmental types. I’ve learned there is not much I can share with them because their feedback is completely inappropriate and harmful for an abuse survivor.
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Melody » Sun Mar 17, 2019 5:05 pm

I hope this comes across the right way. You are going through a horrendous time right now, but it sounds like its going the right direction. Maybe DH even realizes subconsciously that he's holding you (and the kids) back. Regarding the religious part, this was an unknown pre-existing condition (DH didn't just "snap" after you were married). This is not in anyway your fault and you and your children have a right to the best lives you can.

A divorce will also protect you financially from EH's spending binges, and could possibly afford you a steady stream of child support from his disability check or any other income he might have in the future.

And don't doubt yourself for a second. You've been doing EVERYTHING and THEN SOME. Shrug off some of the weight of the world! This WILL get easier as the kids get older, and they will appreciate you.

Divorce agreements and custody arrangements vary on a case-by-case basis AND in the state you reside in, so you need to listen to a GOOD attorney. And I do understand your fears. I had to fight to make sure my older kids were NEVER left alone with FIL (not convicted, but a pedophile). So get together EVERY piece of evidence and documentation you can about why EH is at least, unstable. Also document how EH's parents are NOT suitable supervision - an in fact contributors to the problem.

((HUGS!!))
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Mara » Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:35 pm

Melody wrote:I hope this comes across the right way. You are going through a horrendous time right now, but it sounds like its going the right direction. Maybe DH even realizes subconsciously that he's holding you (and the kids) back. Regarding the religious part, this was an unknown pre-existing condition (DH didn't just "snap" after you were married). This is not in anyway your fault and you and your children have a right to the best lives you can.

A divorce will also protect you financially from EH's spending binges, and could possibly afford you a steady stream of child support from his disability check or any other income he might have in the future.

And don't doubt yourself for a second. You've been doing EVERYTHING and THEN SOME. Shrug off some of the weight of the world! This WILL get easier as the kids get older, and they will appreciate you.

Divorce agreements and custody arrangements vary on a case-by-case basis AND in the state you reside in, so you need to listen to a GOOD attorney. And I do understand your fears. I had to fight to make sure my older kids were NEVER left alone with FIL (not convicted, but a pedophile). So get together EVERY piece of evidence and documentation you can about why EH is at least, unstable. Also document how EH's parents are NOT suitable supervision - an in fact contributors to the problem.

((HUGS!!))


Melody - thank you so much for your encouragement, insights, and advice. I’ve begun going to my counselor again and it has been very beneficial. She said she thinks One main thing is that I need to be reminded of the truth (that I have done everything in my power to be a good wife, but I need to make mine and the kids’ safety and well-being a priority, etc).

I see the lies and tactics that EH and the PILs use. I’ve done a good job enforcing healthy boundaries. But I still see where their intimidations continue to affect my thinking. EH’s last visit with the kids didn’t go well and I DO NOT like that FIL is the one who brings him to see the kids. EH was being psychologically abusive towards me and our 8 year old. I talked to my 8 year old about it afterward and she doesn’t want to see him again. I don’t want him to be around the kids if he is going to act like that, but I don’t want to be accused of being the bad guy who is preventing him from having a relationship with them. To top it off, just before we were going to leave, FIL drove past the building and when he spotted me inside, he stopped, backed up, and just sat in his car glaring at me to intimidate me.

Actually, EH did accuse me of preventing him from seeing the kids a few weeks ago, which was after him last minute canceling two weeks in a row. I think his parents were behind him canceling but he was trying to shift the blame on me anyway.

I am thankful to have so much proof of what EH and the PILs have done, but I think of all the horrendous texts and voice mails that I could have saved from 2016 and before. The worst disappointment was one time, i attempted to discretely record one of EH’s abusive tirades. After it was over, I tapped my phone screen to stop recording and discovered that the tap had begun the recording!

Was the court involved with your fight to protect the kids from being alone with your FIL? Or
you were fighting against the family who thought he should be able to be alone with them? I assume that the PILs would have to go to court to try and get their own visitation with the kids, so I’m thankful I won’t have to deal with that during the divorce stuff (at least I am assuming?). I still have the texts from EH where he says he Punched his dad for telling him that he wanted to kill me and my family, also that his dad had gun magazine publications and he believed his dad purchased a gun.
Last edited by Mara on Sun Mar 24, 2019 2:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Overwhelmed with Life

Postby Melody » Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:56 pm

Your FIL sounds like quite the scumbag.

Regarding my ex-FIL, I got lucky. DH's attorney at the time was the husband of a close friend of DH's brother - and a stand up guy. My attorney told me in confidence that as soon as I said "pedofile" said attorney knew the rumors and so my divorce agreement says that ex-MIL can be with the children without ex-DH but she MUST be present. Ex-DH sovon dumped this attorney for a b*tchy shark.

My ex is a sex addict kinky party slob. Unfortunately despite "accidentally" sending me gross emails, the court did nothing. So I will advise you to also teach your children sense as best as you can. And don't underestimate the authority you do have. My son has second guessed medical "advice" from his father, called me on the phone exDH bought without my permission, and told me he was dumping what ever "medication" exDH gave him down his sink and listening to me. And sometimes my advice was "I don't know I'm calling the pediatrician!". My daughter has called me to second guess certain things he's said. The kids have even pressured him to drop them off early WITHOUT me saying anything when they've had something important coming up!
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