DH vent

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WatchingMyBack
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Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:14 pm
Location: New York State

DH vent

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Jun 17, 2019 12:03 pm

DH and I retired at the end of 2017. DH still works for the people that bought our company. He sold the company because he said he hated it and couldn't do it anymore. Now he has the same problems, only compounded because some of our key people left after we sold, and because he has no control. PLUS he doesn't make a fraction of what we did when we owned it. He doesn't have to work. He just won't give it up. He just can't let go, as I knew would happen.

When he said he was done and selling the business, I said I wanted to move and live closer to our GS and our two DS. We moved and brought DD (who has behavorial issues) to live nearby. During the time we've been here, DH has become more and more like MIL. He will barely say two words to ODS. If we go to ODS house, DH will do things like start mowing the lawn, or trimming the hedges or anything to A) show that ODS is lazy and not keeping things up (which is true) and B) that he doesn't want to be around or have to make conversation.

He now finds fault and "hates" DIL, who is nothing but nice. But he says she's not nice to him and he "resents" that she shows favoritism to her own parents (they are a close family, they live close by and they go out of their way to spend at LOT of time with GS). Example, yesterday was father's day and DH had already said he DID NOT want to celebrate it. It was also YDS bday, so he said find out what YDS wants to do -- go out or eat at our house. ODS in the meantime wanted to know what we were doing for father's day, so I told him to call YDS and find out what he wanted to do, and we'd combine the both. I couldn't get much of an answer and just told them to come to our house and we'd all have dinner here. It's more fun for GS and DH gets angry about paying a restaurant tab, but refuses to let the boys pay. It was a repeat of the last 4 or 5 times any of them were at our house. DH with his angry glares (a la MIL) and having NOTHING to say to anyone. Making sure he is outside watering plants, or walking the dogs or anything where he doesn't have to speak or make conversation. When the meals over, he starts gathering dishes and gets nasty with anyone who tries to help. ODS isolates himself by watching golf. DIL I can tell is very sad and just sits and watches GS playing. YDS sits and has a defeated look. YDS GF chatters away because she doesn't understand the nasty dynamic since she's never seen anything but that from DH. They all leave as soon as possible. DH then says, you see, they can't wait to get out of here. He doesn't even know why they bother to come. I tell him it is because of how uncomfortable he makes them feel and can't he see how he is JUST LIKE MIL. He gets nasty with me and says I should just do with them what I want and he will stay away. SO IMMATURE. And he says "did you hear that DIL and ODS are taking HER father out for dinner next week for Father's Day? Nice that they can do that." I said they wanted to do that for you for your birthday and you flat out refused to celebrate it. Why would they think to ask for fathers day?

Then out of the clear blue he says about YDS, that he has known YDS doesn't want anything to do with him because of something he said WHEN HE WAS 14 YEARS OLD. I said seriously, you're holding a grudge against your son for some stupid remark made when he has a teenager? Oh, yes, he is. And the same for ODS and DD, evidently. All of this JUST LIKE HOW MIL was. That woman could carry a grudge over the smallest, pettiest thing like.

Yet these a**hole people he calls his friends, they can say or do anything, rip him off for time and money, and he just keeps sucking up to them like they're -- HIS MOTHER.

OH - and he has started doing the same thing with GS. Anytime he's around, DH makes sure he isn't in the room or tries to not to have to interact with him. But GS is too cute and funny and seeks him out. He can't resist him sometimes, but it is incredibly PATHETIC to watch how he goes out of his way to try to NOT have a relationship with GS -- who is 2 years old.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

miwako
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Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:11 am

Re: DH vent

Post by miwako » Sat Jun 29, 2019 8:41 am

This is so sad. I see a little bit of my FIL in him. FIL was angry and standoffish for a long time, and I was very put off by it. It's natural to give people who are like that a wide berth, because they are broadcasting that they don't want others to get close. The problem is that then they get sad when they realize they aren't close with their family.

I wish I had answers for you. Your husband probably needs counseling, but I seriously doubt he'll get it on his own. Good luck, I hope everything works out.

WatchingMyBack
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Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:14 pm
Location: New York State

Re: DH vent

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Jul 01, 2019 6:29 pm

Thank you, Miwako. I believe you are right, but he will never seek counseling. He feels it is everyone else.

I told him today that I don't know why he is so unpleasant with me all the time, but if he wants to be done, just say the word. Frankly, I think I should just say the word. DS and DIL had me sitting GS today and DH went with me. When it was about time for them to return, DH went and sat in the car saying "everything is going to be too hot. I'm putting on the AC" Okay, nothing would spoil so not really thinking 5 minutes would be a problem.

When DS and DIL got home, they gave me a card that said "Surprise!" and inside was a sonogram of GC #2! How exciting! I went outside and showed it to DH. He barely opens the envelope and I said, do you see what it is? He said, I see. No comment. Nothing but anger from him.

DS texted me a bit ago and said " What did Dad have to say when you showed him?" I was at a loss because I don't like to lie. I said "He said, that's nice" DS says,"Ok", clearly hurt. I said, I'm sure he'll call you later. It's been 2 hours. DH has not called DS to say congratulations, but has made several business related calls.

He is a complete and utter ASSHOLE and I think I need to be done with him.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

miwako
Nuclear
Posts: 1063
Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:11 am

Re: DH vent

Post by miwako » Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:29 am

I wouldn't blame you. I've thought for a long time that he seemed a little off. I know that can happen after retirement when spouses are suddenly spending a lot of time together without any work distractions. People suddenly realize things about the other that the had ignored before. I hope for the best for you no matter what you decide.

jigglypuff
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Re: DH vent

Post by jigglypuff » Tue Jul 23, 2019 12:35 am

I agree with Miwako and I see this kind of behavior in my ESIL as well. I can see her becoming this kind of MIL and GM one day.

These stories are extremely disheartening and I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with this. Something is wrong with your DH. He is obviously repeating a cycle he grew up with. He probably has no clue on how to be anything different. And since he refuses counseling, he won't break out of it either. He will lose everything important and meaningful in his life if he doesn't make some changes.

I don't understand people that behave this way. Isn't being happy so much easier than being miserable? Why feed that negativity? Your DH is blessed with a beautiful family and he's too blinded with toxicity to appreciate it. I think his feelings go much deeper than things the kids said when they were teenagers. MIL really did a number on him. Your DH doesn't hate any of you, he hates himself and he's projecting it.

I hope things change for the better one day soon. Congrats to you and your DS and DIL on GC#2! That is wonderful! Another little life to devote all of your love to. I'm glad your family at least has a loving mom, MIL and GM in you.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

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