When a New Golden joins the family

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WatchingMyBack
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When a New Golden joins the family

Post by WatchingMyBack » Tue Jul 19, 2016 10:38 am

My nephew, that I truly love, got married last year. His bride was a girl he has known since childhood, but only started dating 2 years ago. My Dsis likes her, but says how "distant" she is.

We met her last year at their wedding. She was unfriendly and barely acknowledged any of our family. She is from a large family with 6 sisters; she is the youngest.

I've learned so much from this website and could easily recognize their family dynamic. Nephew's bride is far and away the Golden Child and most definitely a narcissist. It breaks my heart for my nephew, because he is very sweet. My Dsis has a very controlling "in charge" NARC personality (everything is always about her wants and needs). Nephew has married his mother for sure. The only difference is my Dsis is not a snobby person, but nephews bride is very stuck up.

I was invited to the wedding shower, but didn't go (I live 650 miles away). I chose items from her registry and had them wrapped and shipped. No acknowledgement, no Thank You note.

We gave them a very generous check for their wedding. Far more than DH had wanted to, but it was the one thing I could do for my nephew that I thought would be nice. It wasn't acknowledged and no Thank You note was received for 6 months. It was a very simple "Thank you for your wedding gift. NARCbride & Nephew" We had traveled far for that wedding. We weren't even invited to the rehearsal dinner (again, just like Niece's wedding), even though HER family was invited. For nephew's sake, I tried to put it behind me and let it go.

Married less than 3 months, NARCbride announces they're expecting (she is in her mid-30's and there was no question they were going to start trying right away). Her baby is due a week after my ODS and DIL's baby. DIL sent a nice note to NARCbride congratulating them and how exciting that the cousins will be the same age. Response? {{insert cricket chirpping}}}

I get an invitation for NARCbride's baby shower. Based on how I was treated at the wedding, I decided not to make the trip. I sent a very cute baby mobile that I knew nephew would appreciate. Gift has never been acknowledged and no Thank You note has been received. I mentioned this to Dsis the other day and she said they're just SO busy and its crazy getting ready for the baby.

Yesterday I see photos NARCbride posted of herself having a "lazy day" at the beach (in a bikini at no less than 7.5 months pregnant). She posts about loving her "lazy life" and her only work is getting nephew to finish his "Honey Do" list. :x I was beyond tempting to write something on her FB page about envying her "busy, busy" life. :?

I had planned to send a gift when the baby is born in early September, but now I'm thinking it will just be a card. I gave NARCbride the benefit of the doubt after the wedding shower and after the wedding. Not even acknowledging the shower gift is the last straw.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

PutMILinherplace
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by PutMILinherplace » Tue Jul 19, 2016 10:52 am

As tempting as it is I would not leave any comments on FB it will only give her what she wants ; a chance to fight, play the victim and show how great she is.

I would contact your nephew. Tell him you haven't heard anything and you wanted to make sure he received the wedding gifts & the baby shower gifts. I would back off a bit. Send only cards....if YOU want to. I could still contact the nephew on occasion to see how he is.

My brother married a girl just like this; we caught her in so many lies it wasn't even funny. He became such an aggressive , intolerant person with her that we had to cut him out of the children's lives some years ago. What I FINALLY got through to the rest of the family was there is nothing you can do. Don't waste time, energy, emotions, etc., or take away from your own family on something you really can not change. Yes, its sad but you really just have to move on. It unfortunately is not your circus nor your monkeys. It will be hard for you to watch a train wreck coming , knowing how to stop it but not being able to do anything to stop it. Sorry for your nephew, his future children and you.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

jigglypuff
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by jigglypuff » Tue Jul 19, 2016 12:56 pm

Oh God, she sounds like my ESIL and my cousin's wife. No one can stand either one of them and they also have that "stuck up" vibe about them.

ESIL and EBIL sent out their 'Thank you's" for their wedding gifts about 8 months later. Not even a text sent out to say thank you to immediate family, nada. Even when we saw them in person, we got no acknowledgement of our gift or anything. This is typical of them though. EBIL never says thank you, ever. It's frustrating when you're going out of your way to give and end up realizing how ungrateful the receiver is.

Doesn't surprise me that your nephew ended up with a woman like this if his mother has narc tendencies. My cousin ended up with the same kind of woman and my aunt, his mother, is a narcopath.

That FB post of hers makes her sound like a real gem. Don't expect anything to get better from here. I'm sure over time their marriage will begin to break down and like PMILIHP said, you might see changes in your sweet nephew.

I also wouldn't attend her baby shower. I think whatever contact you make should be through your nephew only since his wife obviously couldn't care less. It's a shame she got her hooks into a good man like your nephew. Hopefully one day his eyes will open to who she really is but until then, just be sure to keep your distance and avoid her on social media. Don't comment or like anything she posts up. Hide her from your newsfeed because she'll only continue to post things that will upset you.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WatchingMyBack
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by WatchingMyBack » Tue Jul 19, 2016 2:18 pm

:cry: Thanks for validating what I was feeling. I am sorry to be "losing" my nephew, but I just can't "make nice" to another NARC. The well is dry.

Good idea to remove her from my newsfeed. It really does just feel like a spit in the eye.

*SIGH* my nephew had it rough growing up with my DSis and the nasty divorce. I really wanted him to finally have a happy "family" life. I'm sure the baby will be a joy for him, if with his little shrew of a wife.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

WatchingMyBack
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by WatchingMyBack » Thu Jul 21, 2016 6:15 pm

In the meantime I receive a Thank You note in the mail today from the daughter of a childhood friend who graduated High School that I sent a Target gift card to (for dorm supplies). Her note was so sweet and apologized for being "so late" because she was out of town "whilst it was received". I mailed the card on Tuesday of last week.

The difference between people who are actually thankful and those who are not is pretty clear.

And still no Thank You card from NARCBride.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

mamarama
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by mamarama » Fri Jul 22, 2016 10:55 am

i wouldn't send them a gift for the birth of their child.

I find it funny and sad about how she says that her "work" is getting her husband to do stuff for her. smh

miwako
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by miwako » Fri Jul 22, 2016 4:05 pm

I agree that it's best to drop her form your feed, and not send any more gifts. Cards are good if you want, but don't go out of your way. You're 650 miles away, so I don't think anyone would blame you. At least I wouldn't in their position.

That said, just from this one post, I'm not convinced she's a narcissist. Being the victim of Ns makes us start to look for it in others, even if that's not what's happening. I've been accused of being "stuck up" and "distant" when in reality I'm just a poorly socialized introvert, which means I don't know how to interact in a lot of social situations, and I don't enjoy it anyway.

She's the same age I am, and many of my generation weren't taught how or even to write thank you notes. The few times I've done it there has been more drama involved in sending them than in not sending them. So I don't. If you want to ask if they received your shower gift, by all means ask. Things get lost in the mail, neighbors steal things, it happens.

WatchingMyBack
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Jul 25, 2016 8:50 am

miwako, I appreciate your perspective. I, too, am a poorly socialized introvert (thanks for putting that into words !). This girl is most definitely a NARC. She has a very active FB account, always with a new selfie showing off some great new thing or great new place or whatever is going on in her "fabulous life".

I've removed her from my feed as suggested. I don't need the added irritation, for sure.

You're also correct that many young people were not taught basic manners or social graces. People that my children received a gift from always commented to me how pleased they were to receive a nice hand written thank you note -- because it was so unexpected. I tried to get them to write something meaningful ("I've been looking a long time for that action figure!" or "That Dictionary will be useful with my school work" or "You were so kind to send me such a generous gift"). Didn't have to be long, just state a good thing and say thank you. My sister didn't teach her children to acknowledge or say thank you for gifts. As I've posted elsewhere, she was always having things "given" to her (usually money) her entire life by my mother and her husband, boyfriends and husbands, so I don't think she really is an appreciative person so much as feels she is just being "given what is due her" by the universe. My niece told me a few years ago how she had always wished she had stationary and note cards with her name on it the way my kids did.

Maybe that is what I'll send as a baby gift. A box of note cards with the baby's name on it! :lol:
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

willthetruthbetold
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by willthetruthbetold » Tue Aug 16, 2016 6:53 am

Contact your nephew and say, "I know (NARCBride) is SOOO busy with the baby coming, so I thought I ask a quick question: Did you receive my gift? Just checking because sometimes things get lost in the mail and I haven't heard from you."
My Golden SIL's DD and DS never sent thank you cards, emails, phone calls or texts. We were very generous over the years. We even flew D-nephew on a 5000 mile round trip to visit us, paid for all his expenses and meals for two weeks, drove him around every day and he never once thanked us for anything. I talked to him the night before he left and said that I hoped that he had a good time. He nodded yes, but never uttered as much as a grunt to thanks. We were going to do the same for GSIL's DD (Felony-niece) but I discovered on social media that she was planning to include her friend on the trip without asking us, and expected that we would give lodging for the friend, too. They were chatting publicly back and forth about their fake IDs and how they were going to get drunk in bars and wasted and groused about how they would not have privacy with the men that they would meet because they knew that I would not allow them to bring strange men to our house to hook up with and spend the night.
Golden SIL used to email me and say that her DD and DS would be writing a thank you letter soon... and nothing ever came. I finally told her that if they didn't appreciate what we gave them, it would be best not to exchange gifts anymore.

PeanutGallery
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by PeanutGallery » Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:18 am

That said, just from this one post, I'm not convinced she's a narcissist. Being the victim of Ns makes us start to look for it in others, even if that's not what's happening. I've been accused of being "stuck up" and "distant" when in reality I'm just a poorly socialized introvert, which means I don't know how to interact in a lot of social situations, and I don't enjoy it anyway.


I highly agree with this. I'm the same way sometimes, an introvert. Many people in my life have judged me and accused me of being stuck up and a bitch but when they actually got to know me they changed their mind and even told me they were surprised because I'm actually just a simple quiet person unless someone is giving me issues then I'm not quiet.

I understand how you feel if you felt that she was distant, but I'd say stop expecting anything from her. I feel like you're expecting her to be the image that you have in your mind of her. I mean, have you ever tried reaching out to HER personally at an event and being friendly? She's a different person and from her perspective it really might not be what you think it is. I'd say just let them be and continue reaching out if you want more from them. I just think it's not right when someone has an issue with the way someone does something but they never really voice their feelings to those people, now I don't know if you have or not though. To me it sounds like you just want to be appreciated and acknowledged for everything you did, the time and the effort, but when you didn't get the praise or response that you expected you got mad, keeping in mind you got no response actually. But like someone else said, some people aren't accustomed to sending invitations. If so, like some other posters said, you should probably just ask your nephew if they received any of your gifts you know and see what he says.

jigglypuff
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by jigglypuff » Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:33 am

I'm an Ambivert but have always been drawn to introverts, I married one. I think there's a big difference between being an introvert and being rude and ill mannered. My DH is an introvert but that doesn't equal him behaving like an ass. There's also a different vibe stuck ups give off than introverts do, maybe I pick up it up easily but I can always tell a difference.

In my case with ESIL and my cousin's wife, they have done things that are just downright mean towards others. I'm talking about having a track history of treating others very poorly but also being stuck up and unapproachable. They are simply unlikeable people.
Also, my EBIL is an extreme extrovert and classic overt N who's notorious for ignoring people and lacking manners. He'll only pay you attention if it somehow conveniences him. He also tends to make the most obnoxious FB posts. So I totally get where WMB is coming from. I think she's seeing these kinds of negative traits in her nephew's wife.

Whether this girl is an N or not, her attitude isn't going to get her very far. Not sending a simple "thank you" to someone in response to their well wishes is really off putting. She and anyone else can't expect for others to feel comfortable with what's considered rude behavior. I don't think WMB is expecting too much from this girl and her nephew. It comes down to consideration and good manners and when someone lacks those qualities, well, they can't really expect others to like them very much can they?

I will say that you keep an eye on her behavior WMB. Pay attention to how she responds to others and how she behaves on social media.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WatchingMyBack
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by WatchingMyBack » Thu Sep 01, 2016 12:00 pm

Sorry, but she isn't an introvert in any way. She isn't shy or reserved. I've only met her twice in person and both times she barely said hello before she flitted off to be social with her friends. That is who she is and that is fine. I have nothing in common with her. She isn't interested in me or my family, and I'm not really interested in her either. I'm glad my nephew, that I love dearly, is happy. I'm not looking for anything from her.

My Dsis has also said she is disappointed with the lack of relationship. She and her DC have always been extremely close. She has been very close with my niece and her husband, and took care of their daughters when they were infants (actually, she still does pretty much on a daily basis for picking them up from school, taking them here and there). Nephew was always at Dsis's house for various things. Dsis has been asked to take care of the new baby when it arrives. NARC is an attorney and would like to get back to work as quickly as possible after giving birth (4-6 weeks she said).

Since getting married, nephew is rarely around anymore, according to Dsis. If he comes, it is usually by himself. Dsis accepts it but is a little sad that her DIL doesn't want to be part of their family unit (her DIL comes from a big family with 5 sisters. Parents are divorced and remarried, so bunches of step sibilings. She is uber close with her family and isn't interested in Dsis or her DH). She'll post photos on FB like "Me with my favorite nieces!" -- her sister's daughters, not nephew's nieces. Dsis said when grandniece saw the posting, her first question was "Doesn't Aunt NARC like us too?"

Anyway, my new grandson was born a week and half ago. No message of congratulations to me or to my ODS. Zip, zero. Not even a text. Dsis and Niece sent gifts, of course.

In yesterday's mail, the long awaited Thank You arrived (shower was June 5th). I figure it is because their baby is due in a week. The note, which didn't say "Dear Aunt XX" or even my name at all, said "Bumbed you didn't make the shower. It was great. Thanks for the gifts." Unsigned. Only took 90 days for this couldn't be less personal acknowledgement to arrive. Any additional gift I send will be addressed to nephew or the baby herself.

I've spent too much of my life being nice and going out of my way for ungrateful inlaws. If it looks like a Zebra, guess what?
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

PutMILinherplace
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by PutMILinherplace » Thu Sep 01, 2016 12:20 pm

I've spent too much of my life being nice and going out of my way for ungrateful inlaws.
The whole pearls before swine thing.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

WatchingMyBack
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by WatchingMyBack » Thu Sep 01, 2016 3:20 pm

Peanut Gallery, I'm very bothered by your comment that I'm somehow "seeking praise" for what was sent. You clearly don't know who I am. I don't like having my post twisted or made into something it wasn't.

All I wanted was an acknowledgement that the gift was received. A simple common courtesy. If you send a gift to someone, don't you at least want to know they got it??

I did reach out to my nephew and he told me he liked it because it had meaning to him. He wasn't at the baby shower. He didn't open the gift. His wife did (according to my Dsis, who was there).

My point was, DON'T send me an invitation to your baby shower and then not take the one minute it takes to send a text or email or message on FB or write a note to say "I received it." That isn't "seeking praise".
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

PeanutGallery
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Re: When a New Golden joins the family

Post by PeanutGallery » Fri Sep 09, 2016 8:14 pm

I know that I don't know who you are, I believe I even mentioned something like that in my post. No need to get defensive about this. I probably used the wrong choice of words or something along the lines of that. I wasn't 'twisting' your post either. I was relating your post to something that I went through and giving you my opinion on it and I stated that.

It's just the way that I see it, there are many different perspectives and I understand that, I don't know if you do. I understand that you wanted to know if they got your gift and wanted to be acknowledged for it, but like I tried to mention earlier, maybe they're not the traditional type and aren't accustomed to sending out thank you letters or notes. I don't know your whole story so I can't say much and I'm respecting the experience you had and also trying to acknowledge it and I already mentioned that. I just think that the way you're getting upset about it and targeting his wife isn't necessary. It seems that you have expectations according to certain traditions, you were expecting a thank you note or something, anything, and when you didn't get anything then you got upset or when you didn't get the response that you wanted at the time you wanted you still got upset. I mean your nephew didn't thank you for the check you gave them either, maybe it's not just this 'narc' wife of his but both of them together?

Since you didn't go to the baby shower maybe his wife only sent thank you's to everyone who was there. Maybe she didn't reach out to you because she feels shy or distant. I'm just saying maybe it would pay off to at least TRY to see this from a different perspective because I was under the impression that you barely know his wife because of how distant you said she is. EVEN THOUGH none of that excuses how rude/inconsiderate it is for her to not send a thank you for your gift. So, don't get me wrong, I agree with you, I just have a lot of different perspectives. It's just the simple realization that maybe if she has a different perspective or she's an introvert/shy/distant and you opened a little communication with her then things would start taking a different direction and you might even like her. It's just a possibility. I'm just saying what I'm seeing and if that upsets you then fine. I'm sorry for upsetting you with what I said, it really wasn't my intention and I don't appreciate the hostility.
Last edited by PeanutGallery on Fri Sep 09, 2016 10:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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