Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

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JustPlainHateHer
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Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by JustPlainHateHer » Tue Jul 26, 2016 10:49 am

DH and I married and moved from our hometown over 30 years ago.
There are two couples that we hung out with in our twenties when we lived there.
We have exchanged Christmas cards and that's about it. Now, all these years later, the one lady keeps calling, sending emails, and notes thru the mail, too.
I ignore, and don't respond. However, she cannot take a hint.
Why can't some people GET THE HINT if someone is never home, never returns calls or messages, they don't WANT a relationship with you. I just don't get it.

CoffeeLeaf
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by CoffeeLeaf » Tue Jul 26, 2016 6:32 pm

Yeah, I feel really bad about not responding to this lady that was a family friend when I was about 9. She later told me horror stories about her marriage, and why it sucked, RIGHT BEFORE I GOT MARRIED. It's like, dude, I don't want to talk to you anymore. Yes, there's something to be said of not regarding marriage as if it's invincible, but, I didn't ask her for her advice.

Anyway, she can't get a hint, so, I would actually just tell her you don't want to talk to her. Choose whatever medium you like. It can be something simple, like, "-Name-, I'm not interested in having any sort of relationship with you. Please stop contacting me. -Signed"

Yeah, it might sting a little, but, it's essentially nonabrasive. If you were to fake a friendship just to be nice, you could end up hurting her feelings worse than that note, after all. (That, and it's not good to lie.)
You don't end up meshing with everyone, I guess.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Jul 27, 2016 9:30 am

I had this happen with a wife of a friend of DHs. His former wife and I were friends and both couples got along very well. Then he got a divorce and the ex-wife moved away and he got married again, almost overnight, to a girl he had only just met.

I say "girl" because she came from a very sheltered background and it seemed like she was about 10 years younger than she really was. She moved a thousand miles away from her friends and family to marry our friend, so she knew no one and for 15 years I was her friend. DH couldn't stand her. She was whiny, outspoken at the worst moments, and would loudly cry if things didn't go her way. There was something horribly awkward about her that made us feel awkward, too. The obligation to be polite kept me answering her calls and meeting her for excruciating activities that I would dread.

She would tell me so many personal details about our friend and their relationship, even when I would tell her to stop. When I left her or got off the phone with her I felt like I needed a glass of wine and a hot bath because I was emotionally drained and mentally exhausted.

Finally, I stopped answering her calls and returning her messages. DH had already disengaged with his friend, because of her, and that wasn't going to change. She wasn't going to grow up and I was tired of making excuses for her to my other friends and they were too nice to tell her not to join our outings that she always found out about and invited herself to.

It was awkward, but because DH had moved on to a different workplace, no longer seeing her husband, I didn't have to see her. If I had told her straight out, it would have only made her determined to change my mind. Any contact would have triggered more contact. So I just let it go. Msybe it wasn't the kindest thing or the "right thing" but it worked after about a year.

WatchingMyBack
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:12 am

I'm guilty of doing this. I had a best friend 40 years ago at my first workplace. She was a real mentor to me (I was 17 when I started that office job and she was 28), almost like the sister my Dsis never was. I even moved into the same apartment building and we'd go out to clubs in Georgetown most every night together (mid 1970's). Even after I moved to NY, she was still a great friend to me and let me stay with her when I was trying to decide to stay in NY or move back to DC.

Then I met DH and got married, and ODS came along and my PIL problems, and our friendship dwindled away (I was always the one to make contact if there was any).

I recently found her mailing address in Florida and sent her a letter. It took about a month, but she finally called me and we enjoyed talking. We emailed and texted a few times. She was really pushing for me and DH to consider moving to the retirement community she and her DH live in. I'm not a fan of Florida and told her I doubted we would. And that was the end of it. No responding to emails, nothing. I did get a Christmas card from her. I sent her a birthday card and didn't hear a peep, so I'm going to let it go. We both like to travel and cruise, so I had thought we could do some couples traveling at some point, but I guess not.

So, I'm guilty of wishing to recapture one of the best friendships I ever had and have missed for such a long time.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

JustPlainHateHer
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by JustPlainHateHer » Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:49 am

The one that doesn't give up is a lady I worked with many years ago. We had a casual relationship and didn't do much out of the workplace. That's one of the reasons why I don't understand her persistence. DH couldn't even remember her husband's name!

I am going to continue to ignore her when it comes to calls, etc. Just still don't understand why some people just can't take a hint.

willthetruthbetold
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by willthetruthbetold » Tue Aug 16, 2016 7:04 am

I've had friendships with people who changed over the years for the worse, becoming hypochondriacs, constant whiners and those feeling that they were victims. About 10 years ago, I realized that most of my free time was spent on the phone listening to people who used me as a free counselor (I'm not in that field) or dealing with people like FIL and Golden SIL who were toxic and dragging me down. I decided to start cutting them out of my life.
The first to go was a woman who was unhappy with her life even though she had everything- several children, a good income from her DH, nice house, etc. but would literally sob on the phone that her life was terrible. I stopped answering the phone, wouldn't answer the door and slowed down on getting together with her. She loved to drink and would find out that mutual friends were meeting for coffee and then announce that she was going and then demand that we go to a bar in the afternoon for drinks. She would show up early and have two or three before the rest of us arrived, ordered appetizers and then insisted that we split the bill. That is, when she remembered to bring her wallet!
The second to go was a hypochondriac. She insisted that she had everything imaginable and had one foot in the grave.
The next was FIL... you all know the story.
I suggest to keep avoiding people who you don't need in your life and even take it to absurd levels ("I have to change out my toilets that day"). Life is too short.

JustPlainHateHer
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by JustPlainHateHer » Thu Sep 29, 2016 4:10 pm

Thanks, yes, I do especially now that I'm older. I've learned life is too short to try to get along or even cultivate dead end friendships.
This woman called again and left a message (since I don't pick up unless I want to talk to someone). I listened carefully to the message several times. Sounds like she is drunk or on something as her voice was shrill and then monotone, then shrill. I think I'm just one of many she has on a call list, LOL! Now I think I know why she doesn't get the hint.
DH told me to tell her in the Christmas card that we will be traveling around the world.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Mon Feb 06, 2017 10:43 am

rubycrownedkinglet wrote:I had this happen with a wife of a friend of DHs.
After 10 or so years, she emailed DH out of the blue and poured her guts out, offering to apologize for whatever she did and that she and her DH missed us. She was taking out her christmas deco, and upon seeing a nativity set we had given them for Christmas about 20 years ago, she said she realized we were the best friends they had ever had and she would await his reply.

DH didn't even mention it to me until weeks later when he was telling the story to NewSIL, then he admitted he didn't tell me because he didn't want to spoil the holidays. I thanked him.
No reply.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: Old "friends" that won't leave you alone. Advice?

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Feb 06, 2017 3:59 pm

Ignore, ignore, ignore. If they cant take the hint, that's their problem.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

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