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pstno
Enraged
Posts: 796
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:45 am

Hi everybody

Post by pstno » Fri Aug 19, 2016 3:26 pm

I have been caught up with my two young kids and loving it. I still hate my MIL but we have been cut off for a while so I haven't needed to post on that side much for a while, though I do read sometimes without necessarily being able to reply. I'm happy to be busy, as you can imagine these kids are the joys of my life. :)

I have been thinking so much lately, so many thoughts going through my head...it will soon be a couple years since my mom passed, and in some ways I feel like the grief might just be hitting me now. At the time it was a relief not to see her suffer any longer, she had dementia for 5+ years and it was hard to deal with so maybe sometimes the way I dealt with it was to try not to let it get to me, maybe almost block it out, not sure if that makes sense. Sometimes if you think too much about how someone is suffering then it gets to you more and gets in the way of being there for that person. I know that my mom had a good and full life, and I'm so glad that she had my dad there with her until the end, as well as all her children. But there are some things that just make me sad. I know that she was happy and grateful to be adopted by my grandparents, she had such a devotion to my grandmother up until my grandmother died, as much love as any daughter could feel for a mother. I think my mom always missed her mother. But of course she always wondered what she looked like before she was adopted at age 4, she was sad not to have baby pictures. And now I can't help wondering who cared for her at that age and what she was like as a baby. It's dumb because I know who cared for my dad and I don't wonder what he was like as a baby. Anyway...

I brought my daughter over to my dad's the other day and of course there are so many pictures of my parents together, I couldn't stop looking at the two of them smiling wide in their wedding pictures, my mom was so beautiful and pure of heart, really deserving of that kind of happiness. My dad, too. A part of me is sad that my story is not like theirs, as they really had a fairy tale romance, two people who met by chance, fell in love at first sight, had never dated before and they stayed devoted to one another for a total of 60 years, married for 58 of those years. You just don't see love like that any more. But mostly I'm sad because that beautiful smiling bride is no longer with us. At least I know that she did have happiness in her life and that I was part of that happiness as she loved being a mother. But sometimes I feel so unworthy of being her daughter, as I said she was more pure of heart and well, I don't feel like that totally describes me, I mean I forgive myself for the things I've done wrong in my life but I can't be proud of certain things, things that I am proud of the way she was.

This is rambling but can anyone relate to any part of this? Thanks, no lectures, please.

pstno
Enraged
Posts: 796
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:45 am

Re: Hi everybody

Post by pstno » Fri Aug 19, 2016 3:43 pm

After my mother had passed, at the viewing, funeral, and lunch after, everyone kept saying "she was a beautiful person". When I emailed one of my cousins a few months later to thank him for coming with his wife and 2 of his 3 grown daughters, he said that them being there was nothing compared to all the holidays and everything else my mom had ever done for them. While that is true that was very sweet of him to say and nice to hear, though again sad of course.

I've been thinking so much about the meaning of "family", and how love is more important than being blood related. The people who were there for my mom on her wedding day, whose faces appear in my parents' wedding album, were actually not blood related to her....most of those same people were also at her funeral. I think that counts more than DNA. My mom certainly considered them family. And we keep in touch with extended family on my mom's side, and I don't think they even think about the fact that we're technically not blood related, they just know that we're family. We keep in touch with that side of the family than my dad's side, who are blood related.

Melody
Nuclear
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Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Hi everybody

Post by Melody » Fri Aug 19, 2016 6:39 pm

Hi Pstno!!! Welcome back. I'm so happy to hear you're enjoying your children!

I lost my mom when I was a teenager. It still hurts now. My close friend grew up without a mom and became a social worker. She told me about the "Motherless mothers" support groups (we don't go because its been so long and we have each other) so your feelings are not unusual by any means and they are amplified with children.

Anniversaries hurt and even Mother's Day has a sting. My eldest is older than I was and sometimes I get a little hung up on what I'm supposed to be doing for her at this age because I lacked a roll model.

But I think the biggest insult (and I KNOW we have this in common) is that we're not looking for MIL to be a "replacement" mom. Oh, not by any means! HOWEVER, wouldn't you think there would be one iota of compassion there? I mean why do they have to be complete bitches? SMIL only is "nice" or does things for SIL (DH's brother's wife) SOLELY to COMPETE with her mother. How F'd up is that?

As for us, MIL could just sit there like a rock and be the grandchildren's "best grandmother". Instead they chose not to. I think the deceased mothers win! SICK!

Sorry honey, I know it isn't fair! But maybe we're better mothers for it. Please continue to enjoy your children. Cliche as heck, but it REALLY does go fast. I'm helping my eldest move into college this weekend!

jigglypuff
Nuclear
Posts: 2302
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:32 am

Re: Hi everybody

Post by jigglypuff » Sun Aug 21, 2016 11:23 pm

So sorry about your mom. The way you spoke about her really touched me. I don't think I've ever come across anyone who loves and values their parents as you do, with good reason. Most seem to have crappy parents or one good parent.

My DB and I loved my dad dearly. There isn't a day that I don't wish he was still here with me. He was sick for 3 years and ended up paralyzed before he passed at 47. I don't remember crying when he died. The grief hit me late and I remember crying a lot more over him years later. Especially on special days like my wedding. Grief is a strange, powerful emotion and it can hit you at the oddest times. I would cry whenever I needed to. It took me years but it finally got to the point where I could talk about my dad without crying or getting teary eyed. All you can do is let it flow through and take it one day at a time.
But sometimes I feel so unworthy of being her daughter, as I said she was more pure of heart and well, I don't feel like that totally describes me, I mean I forgive myself for the things I've done wrong in my life but I can't be proud of certain things, things that I am proud of the way she was.
Oh Pstno, you so are worthy of her love and much, much more. You're a good person and your mother has raised you well and you will do the same for your own children. No you're not perfect but you've been taught how to love wholeheartedly. What a wonderful blessing that is. How fortunate are your children to have a mother who shares the love she's been shown and given. Don't ever doubt yourself because you're imperfect or feel that you don't hold up to who your mom was. You share a part of her soul and her goodness lives in you.

This post got me all choked up. I hope your grief eases soon *hug*
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

pstno
Enraged
Posts: 796
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:45 am

Re: Hi everybody

Post by pstno » Sun Aug 28, 2016 9:58 pm

Thanks, Melody and jigglypuff.

Melody, you are so right - I was never looking for my MIL to be an replacement mom. She never could be. And you are also right in that my MIL does not feel ANY compassion.

jigglypuff, thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot. Sorry to get you all choke up, but thank you so much for that, for caring.

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