She's at it again

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WatchingMyBack
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She's at it again

Post by WatchingMyBack » Thu Sep 08, 2016 12:40 pm

My ODS and DIL had a baby boy 3 weeks ago. I've sent my DM many photos via FaceBook so she can get them on her iPad. No response.

Dsis's DIL (NARC bride) had her baby on Tuesday. Many photos posted to FaceBook. DM comments on every one of those photos.

For a photo with the new baby and my Dsis's other two granddaughter's my DM writes a post "Love my beautiful new great-granddaughter! Now I have three favorites!"

I know my ODS and DIL see those posts, too. Some things just never change.

(My Dsis is the Golden and her children were the golden grandchildren, so I guess their children are naturally going to be the golden great-grandchildren.)
Last edited by WatchingMyBack on Fri Sep 09, 2016 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

Hiddenjem
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Re: She'd at it again

Post by Hiddenjem » Thu Sep 08, 2016 9:46 pm

It is so sad that somethings just don't change.

I am sorry for the pain and disappointment that your mother has caused again. I know it hurts you as a grandmother in a deep way. ((((Hugs))))) It would be heartbreaking knowing how your dil and son are feeling because you have been in their place.

I have no doubt that you are and will continue to be a amazing and devoted mom (and a wonderful grandmother.)

Perhaps, you may consider not honoring your mom with anymore thoughtful updates or pictures of your grandson. She doesn't sound like she is appreciative.
Last edited by Hiddenjem on Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

Melody
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Re: She'd at it again

Post by Melody » Thu Sep 08, 2016 10:24 pm

Sorry you're dealing with this during what should be a happy occasion.

My mother died many years ago. My sister was the golden, and it hurt, but I've had years to sort through this (not that I don't occasionally get bummed). Your mother has issues and maybe she's drawn to gsis and her narcdil because she either relates to them, or thinks they need her "help". You're too stable to be a challenge, or they find your kindness to be a weakness. Whatever the case if you haven't ever tried counseling, (and YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUE) it could help you not care so much.

Do you have other siblings or close cousins or an aunt or uncle you could talk to? I found it TREMENDOUSLY cathartic when my brother pretty much laughed about the favortism displayed by our parents (he got the really short end of the stick). And then my sister and I NOW have a good relationship as she acknowledged my pain and actually said she just didn't think of the inequality in that way until I said something.

Your children and grandchildren are Lucky! Just try to focus on this. Who cares what DM says or does? It is a phony attention demanding show. Don't put so much energy into "keeping her in the loop". If you stop bothering she might even start to care. But spend the energy being tight with your good family! I can't think of an accomplishment better than being a terrific caring grandmother - Congratulations!

jigglypuff
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Re: She'd at it again

Post by jigglypuff » Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:10 am

Wow, sorry WMB. I have a shit mother myself but thankfully she doesn't play favorites between me and my DB. Her mother, my GM, did favor her son, her first GD and GD's first born son. It was really pathetic especially since her favorites did absolutely nothing for her in her time of need.

Fortunately for the rest of the unfavored family members, GM wasn't on FB saying insensitive crap like your mother is doing. She sort of kept quiet about her favoritism but it was often shown through action.
Perhaps, you may consider not honoring your mom with anymore thoughtful updates or pictures of your grandson. She doesn't sound like she is appreciative.
I agree. At least you appreciate your GS and that's what counts. You've spared your family the misery of playing favorites.
I know it's hard but try to put it behind you and focus on the joy your GS brings into your life. That's what really matters.

*hug*
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WatchingMyBack
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Re: She'd at it again

Post by WatchingMyBack » Fri Sep 09, 2016 9:02 am

Hiddenjem, Melody and jigglypuff, thank you for ALWAYS saying the exact thing I need to hear when I'm feeling kicked to the curb, yet again.

There are times my Dsis and I have a good enough relationship and we do discuss (over and over) the favoritism issue. She never saw it (and I'm not sure she does even now), and mostly because she's always been a very entitled person. I'm the opposite. Nothing was ever given to me and I never had the expectation that it would be. Melody, as you said, my DB really got the short end of the stick, too, even worse than I did. He was more of a target for my DM's anger, while I was pretty much ignored in every way (except when I was needed to clean).

Posting things here, with story after story, it truly does open the eyes to the pattern of abuse. Both with my FOO and with the ILs. SIGH :?

My DM only comes to me if she is having a problem with a bill or a company and she needs something straightened out. She made me and my siblings co-Executors for her Will and I'm the "tie breaker" for any disputes because she knows I would be fair and not put myself first. Of course, she has my Dsis as co-owner on all of her bank accounts and I've no doubt Dsis will clean them out and claim that is what DM wanted. It will be ugly (mostly because DB is part of the mix. Personally, I never expected anything and still don't. At least in that regard, I won't be disappointed :)

If I send DM some framed photos of the baby, she'll be sure to display them. I appreciate the reminder of that family dynamic that my Dsis always has to make things a competition. FB is a great tool for her in that regard. DN and ODS were born 6 months apart, and I never heard the end of the comparisons about how much earlier DN did everything than ODS did. DN was SO much smarter. I supposed this is why she is DM's "favorite" granddaughter! (which she said to DN right in front of my DD. DM only has two granddaughters. DN and DD.)

I had to chuckle at a photo of the new Gbaby on FB and Dsis writes "She's so alert and already engaging everyone. You can see how smart she is already." She is 2 days old.

My ODS and DIL don't post a bunch of photos on FB or engage much there. The couple of photos of NGS (new grandson) were posted by me, DIL's mother (who, BTW, was incredibly nice and friendly. We really enjoyed each other's company while I was there,) and my YDS and DIL's brother. I really do need to just focus my attention on my own little family and new extended family.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

WatchingMyBack
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Re: She's at it again

Post by WatchingMyBack » Fri Sep 09, 2016 11:33 am

I'm officially pissed off now.

I checked with my Dsis to find out what was the contact number or email address for DM's iPad since I've sent photos and she doesn't acknowledge. She said it is her email address and she knows she's getting photos because she sent a bunch last night and DM texted her back thanking her for all of the adorable photos.

I called DM to see if she got the photos that I had sent last weekend. She said yes, she saw them. I said "You never acknowledged that you got them so I wasn't sure." "Yes, I got them. He is a cute little bugger." That's it.

I sent my Dsis a text letting her know that DM got the photos, just didn't acknowledge mine. Dsis texts back a "thumbs-up" icon.

Why ever would I think my DM would be happy to have a great-grandchild, her first great-grandson, from MY family? Really, will I ever learn?
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

mamarama
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Re: She's at it again

Post by mamarama » Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:24 pm

Oh that stinks. It's sad when somebody, especially a great-grandmother, barely acknowledges a new baby. I know it hurts. How do ODS and DIL feel about her lack of interest? I'm sure they're hurt too.

I agree with the others that maybe it's time to stop sending pix (though I know you want to spread the cuteness :) ). I have a feeling that DM said he was a cute little bugger just because that's the only nice thing she could come up with to say. And I think that thing about her having favorites is just plain wrong. She doesn't think about what she says before she says it. Maybe she does and just doesn't care how it affects others. But to let the kids know that she picks and chooses favorites is very hurtful, not just to them but to the parents.

IMHO, ODS and DIL would be wise to limit their child's contact with your DM until, if ever, she can behave like she actually cares about the baby and treat all the kids equally. She doesn't have to care, but just act like she does, if for no other reason than to spare hurt feelings. But wait, that would actually take caring about other people. It is very hurtful to be told you're second-best, especially by family.

Exactly what is her malfunction?
Last edited by mamarama on Fri Sep 09, 2016 12:35 pm, edited 2 times in total.

WatchingMyBack
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Re: She's at it again

Post by WatchingMyBack » Sat Sep 10, 2016 6:38 pm

I was wondering what her "dysfunction" was today.

She shared a post on Facebook (her main means of communications these days with extended family) this post about "Let's all say "Merry Christmas" instead of Happy Holidays" and this entire rant about that.

I converted to Judaism in 1982. My children are Jewish (she attended all of the Bas Mitzvah), as are my DIL and her family. We do not celebrate Christmas.

Why she felt the need to post this (in September no less) smacks of being incredibly PA in every way. Or maybe she really is just that G-Damn stupid and insensitive.

Plus, DM has not set foot in a church in over 60 years. She was never a "religious" person when we were growing up, never took us to church, never had us say grace at meals, etc. Now all of a sudden she is on some religious crusade over something that is pretty well false (if you know someone is a Christian and you wish them Merry Christmas, I can 100% gaurantee nobody gets offended or perceives that you have done something wrong.)

I spent the entire day having my Dsis texting me in defense of DM that she isn't the "same" and Dsis isn't the "favorite" despite both DB and I expressing that (hello??)

I do think DM is a racist and a bigot. She goes on and on about how wonderful NARC bride is simply because she has blonde hair and blue eyes (DM does NOT has neither). She'll say how pretty DIL is (actually, much prettier than NARC bride in reality), but that NARC is the "ideal". My DNephew is a really wonderful person (black Irish looks BTW) and he is hand's down DM's favorite grandson, too. I am just appalled at how she makes zero attempt to hide her favoritism.

I'm not going to share anymore photos with DM. My DH said to me why would I think it would be any different with the NGS than it was with ODS or DD or YDS? She didn't give two hoots in Hell about knowing them or caring about them, so why should I expect anything different?

And I reminded Dsis about the "ring" incident last year (where DM gave a ring to DN in front of DD and said it was for her "favorite granddaughter". At first Dsis denied it, then said she did remember DB mentioning it because evidently he had given DM the ring for her birthday and he was pretty upset that she had given it away to DN.

UGH. and a fight with DD today on top of it and I am just stewing in FOO Hell today.

At least DH is behaving today. Oh Lord have mercy. I need to book a flight to go see NGS ASAP.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

mamarama
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Re: She's at it again

Post by mamarama » Thu Sep 22, 2016 10:55 am

^^^ Southwest Airlines is offering a special now. $67 one-way. Saw the commercial the other day.

Hiddenjem
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Re: She's at it again

Post by Hiddenjem » Thu Sep 22, 2016 12:22 pm

Can you get away to see your grandson? I hope it works out for you!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

PutMILinherplace
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Re: She's at it again

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:41 pm

First, stop wasting your precious time and energy sending her anything. Why bother? If she says anything. Really , if I remember your story, its far past time to go NC

As for sister. Tell her you don't want to hear anymore about mother. If she wants a relations ship with you (providing you even want one with her) tell her you will carry one with her but if she keeps on she will be blocked. Tell her she can bring it up again in a year and then see if mommy dearest is still changed. Stop texting back and forth about it. Again, why are you letting them STEAL your time & energy. You are the only one letting them. You have the power stop giving them any.

Also , block her posts on FB so you don't have to see anything posted
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: She'd at it again

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sun Sep 25, 2016 4:45 pm

WatchingMyBack wrote:

My DM only comes to me if she is having a problem with a bill or a company and she needs something straightened out. She made me and my siblings co-Executors for her Will and I'm the "tie breaker" for any disputes because she knows I would be fair and not put myself first. Of course, she has my Dsis as co-owner on all of her bank accounts and I've no doubt Dsis will clean them out and claim that is what DM wanted. It will be ugly (mostly because DB is part of the mix. Personally, I never expected anything and still don't. At least in that regard, I won't be disappointed :)

.
Just because someone makes you an executor of a will does not mean you have to do it. you can tell the courts when it comes time you have no desire to do so. End of story. Remove yourself from the dysfunction.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

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