DH's lies and past

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PeanutGallery
Annoyed
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DH's lies and past

Post by PeanutGallery » Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:00 am

I'm struggling so much right now because I think I'm still struggling to realize that DH is a chronic liar. But, that's the thing, I feel so confused sometimes and I question my own judgment and that's a clear sign that something isn't right, right? If any of you have read my previous post on the in laws forum, DH comes from a dysfunctional enmeshed family that has scapegoated him for his entire life. DH and I have talked about this extensively and he's admitted that he has problems telling the truth because he's ashamed, afraid of losing me, afraid of rejection, afraid of what I'll think oh him or afraid of the reaction he'll get and it's just driving me crazy. I always have this nagging feeling that something doesn't add up or that he still hasn't told the whole truth and it doesn't help that I have confirmation from him about his lying issue. Even when he does "tell the truth" it's like he's still hiding something or manipulating the whole thing. Most of the time it seems like he tries to portray - whatever he is lying about, the situation, his thoughts, or feelings - as something else other than what it is. For example, if we're talking about his past, which comes up sometimes, he will try to make it look like a favorable situation to ME, because he doesn't want to "hurt" my feelings or is ashamed of something. So if he thinks that something will upset me he'll try to twist some things around so that I don't get upset.

I already have thought about what MY issues are and why I have married a man who can't even be honest with me. I don't know completely what my issues are around that but I'm trying my hardest to become aware of them. A lot the issues would stem from abuse that I've gone through and my emotionally, verbally abusive parents. But, even if I fully recognize my issues, I feel like I'd still feel stuck! It's hard for me because I feel like I want to know what's going on here before I make a decision. Even though he's admitted his lying issue and told the truth about some lies, the whole situation is still very vague and unclear. Whenever he admitted anything it was because I dug it out of him. Like I'm playing detective or mommy. Bottom line, to me it seems like he's never telling me the whole truth. In arguments he'll tell me one thing then 5 minutes later he'll tell me that he said that because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or because I wouldn't believe the truth anyway. There's no trust anymore. I don't know what to believe that comes out of his mouth anymore. Most of the lies he's told are about his past and I always say that if he didn't want to tell me the truth he could've told me that he didn't want to talk about it or wasn't ready instead of making up stories but it's like he STILL keeps me in the dark. Almost like he intentionally tries to be ambiguous and keep me guessing about where he stands.

When we were first dating he was still married just legally separated and he was really mousy about it. This situation is really odd seriously. 3 years before he met me, he was signing up for the marine corps and had just broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years. ONE month later he got with this other girl. He came back from training and after about 7 months he married her. Then he moved across the country to where he was stationed and she stayed in their home state. Then she cheated and got pregnant but DH has no proof if the kid is his or not. She was sleeping with DH and the other guy at the same time. So the marriage only lasted about 2 months. But it took 2 years for the divorce to finalize because she wouldn't sign the papers and they made him wait 2 years for it. All the while during that time while they were legally separated she used his insurance for that kid and also the second kid that is definitely not DH's. He was 20 years old at the time and very immature.

At first I didn't know anything about his past marriage, I thought it was a real marriage, you know, where he found someone that he wants to spend his life with and loves. But as of now he's told me SO MANY different things about it that I don't know anymore. And apparently almost every guy in the military gets married right after training, for the wrong reasons and for who knows why. First he pretended that it was a 'real' marriage then he told me he married her for money and benefits (he was getting a lot of extra money when he was married to her but legally separated) then he told me that it was because she was abusive and he was scared and this was all over then span of about 8 months. Another things is that I've seen his facebook and a long time ago I did some searching. According to his facebook this girl was the love of his life and he was so happy with where their future is going. And when she got pregnant he thought it was his until she told him it wasn't. According to DH, there was no proof of it. And she had this kid 9 months after they had last seen each other. What if he has a kid out there and we don't even know about it? I don't like the way that makes me feel at all! He's even told me things like he just married this girl to make his ex-gf of 4 years who cheated on him jealous, like wtf????? He tells me things left and right, it's never one straight fucking clear story or the honest truth. He's told me that he NEVER loved her and never had any feelings for her, he made the whole thing seem like he was in a relationship with this girl that he has NO interest in, but who the hell fucking does that and why does he want to make me believe that? According to everything I know and have seen, he had feelings for her, but my problem is why is he even lying about it? When we've talked about his past marriage and he goes out of his way to make it seem like he has no interest and that's like gaslighting me?! I don't care if he had feelings for her I just want him to be honest with me or tell me that he isn't ready to talk about it! He's even told me that he married her because when he was in training they talked about marriage and encourage you to marry and because that's what everyone else was doing. You know, a guy joins the military and is about to move far away and doesn't want to leave his gf so he marries her then she can come live with him on base, cause girlfriends can't do that but if you're married you can basically live on base for free. So he's told me things left and right and different stories.

Other things he lies to me about are his feelings and thoughts. He's lied about his feelings when it came down to his family when the whole blow up with them happened. He tried gaslighting me twice in arguments, he said something really hurtful and I heard him say it with my own ears then he denied it and those were the most traumatizing moments to me because he was so malicious saying things like "oh ok hunny" in a sarcastic tone while I'm upset and crying telling him that I heard him. That's another thing, when I'm seriously upset he's SUPER calm and very slow to respond which just upsets me further. I've told him how I feel about this, how I feel so hurt and upset and like I'm not important enough to him for him to be honest with me but it seems like when he lies he just doesn't care about that in the moment because he's a damn compulsive liar!

We're in counseling now but we've only been in for 2 sessions and they were just intakes, we haven't started on anything yet. Our next appointment is tomorrow and I feel like running to the counselor and telling him about this! I feel scapegoated by my husband! I feel like he has gaslighted me so much! Maybe thats why I have an enormous urge to try to get support and tell people the truth and how I feel. It's like I'm screaming HEY HELP ME NOBODY BELIEVES ME SOMEONE LISTEN TO ME AND HELP ME. I feel so alone in this marriage.

The reason why I'm writing about this is because these feelings surface whenever DH is away. When he was on deployment I struggled with them the most but when he's physically near me then they seem to diminish because I bring them up to him and then it seems like it's resolved but then I reflect back on it and realize that he was just manipulating me. I bring this issue up to him a lot, when I do, I usually get the same answers every time. Answers like; I understand; I have told you the truth; you just don't believe me because of all the other times I've lied OR I get near silence. And when I do confront him about things he tells me vague, general details but leaves out the part about HIS involvement and HIS feelings. For example, he's told me that his ex-wife is the one who asked him to marry her, he came back from training and she asked him if he was going to marry her, because that's what all young marines do, and he said yes. Or those times when he talked to his older half brother on the phone about issues 'we' had with them and didn't want me around, he would tell me vague details of what was said but never how he felt. In fact, he's RARELY ever told me how he's felt about anything, so much so that it's like he has no opinions on anything and you never know where he stands on an issue! It's driving me nuts and I feel stuck. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I want to divorce him. I just can't wrap my head around the part where I want an answer and I want to know what exactly is going on here before I make a decision. Because sometimes I believe him and then other times I don't and when I do believe him I feel like I'm just turning a blind eye to the truth and giving up because I don't want to fight anymore. But believing lies and living in a fantasy is really not my thing it's repulsive to me, I can't stand it.

Everything aside from this lying issue is great, he's a loving caring loyal man and he's the one that I want to spend my life but I don't want to deal with THIS for the rest of my life. But this is almost a deal breaker for me.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: DH's lies and past

Post by PutMILinherplace » Fri Sep 16, 2016 7:49 am

DH and I have talked about this extensively and he's admitted that he has problems telling the truth because he's ashamed, afraid of losing me, afraid of rejection, afraid of what I'll think oh him or afraid of the reaction he'll get
He needs to understand that lying is the thing that will cause him to loose to you.

Also, from what you are describing this also sounds a lot more like manipulation then he is lying to protect your feelings or because he is afraid of loosing you or any of the fears you described. Being on this forum we talk a lot about that from the ILS and it sounds a lot like what your DH is doing; manipulating you into thinking its because of you. Think about it; he has you second guessing your self , he is afraid of loosing YOU, afraid of rejection...by YOU, afraid of what YOU"LL think of him, afraid of hurting YOUR feelings (but he doesn't seem afraid of hurting your feelings by lying) . From what you are writing, it sounds like he is trying to make this YOUR fault. Its because of YOU he has to lie.
but I don't want to deal with THIS for the rest of my life. But this is almost a deal breaker for me.
I would make this clear during the counseling sessions. I think its great you are going but I would also call him out on any lies he tells the counselor. Its going to be a long road to trusting him and your DH needs to understand that .
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

jigglypuff
Nuclear
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Re: DH's lies and past

Post by jigglypuff » Wed Sep 21, 2016 9:24 am

He's told me that he NEVER loved her and never had any feelings for her, he made the whole thing seem like he was in a relationship with this girl that he has NO interest in, but who the hell fucking does that and why does he want to make me believe that? According to everything I know and have seen, he had feelings for her, but my problem is why is he even lying about it?
Maybe there's some truth in all of it? I have no idea. But the whole situation sounds hella bizarre. I think there may be details he's leaving out as well. I can clearly see why you're wary. You have every reason to be and you're smart to call him out on this and take it seriously. Lies will destroy any relationship.

My EBIL lies about EVERYTHING! I could write a small book on the lies this man has told. And those are only the lies I know about. But unlike you, his wife just accepts it and reasons it all away.

It's good that you guys are in counseling. I think you should bring up the lying issue with your DH present.
Maybe thats why I have an enormous urge to try to get support and tell people the truth and how I feel. It's like I'm screaming HEY HELP ME NOBODY BELIEVES ME SOMEONE LISTEN TO ME AND HELP ME. I feel so alone in this marriage.
I totally get this. I felt the exact same way when it came to my BPD mother and my ILs. Many people will refuse to believe you because they're viewing the situation from a different point of view. But don't doubt yourself. Your feelings are valid and you're feeling "crazy" because your gut knows the truth.
No, you are NOT CRAZY and we BELIEVE YOU because many of us have been there ourselves.
From this point forward, don't doubt yourself anymore. You know what's really going on.
Or those times when he talked to his older half brother on the phone about issues 'we' had with them and didn't want me around, he would tell me vague details of what was said but never how he felt. In fact, he's RARELY ever told me how he's felt about anything, so much so that it's like he has no opinions on anything and you never know where he stands on an issue!
Makes me wonder if the problems you now have with your ILs are mostly caused by the lies your DH has told. I mean at this point, you can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
Also, my DH has the same problem with forming opinions of his own. He has always felt that his instincts were wrong and it caused him to always second guess himself and his feelings. This stems from the mental abuse our husbands have suffered growing up. They're made to feel bad for having a mind of their own. They're so used to being controlled and told what they should and shouldn't feel, that they've lost touch with themselves. It's actually a common thing in children who grow up with abusive parents.
Everything aside from this lying issue is great, he's a loving caring loyal man and he's the one that I want to spend my life but I don't want to deal with THIS for the rest of my life. But this is almost a deal breaker for me.
It's always like this. You will always see great traits in your partner, that's why you've fallen in love with him to begin with. Every human being, no matter how evil or good, has positive and negative traits. Question is, how much are you willing to tolerate? Only you know the answer.

If I were you, I wouldn't be thinking about divorce just yet. Give the counseling some time. Let your DH know that this is a dealbreaker for you. Also tell him that if he continues lying, even little white lies, it will slowly begin to crumble the foundation of your marriage. There's only so much you can take.
I wish you two luck and hope he changes for the better.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

MountainLover
Infuriated
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Re: DH's lies and past

Post by MountainLover » Mon Sep 26, 2016 1:28 pm

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: Your relationship started with lies and has been built on a foundation of lies. That's the nature of getting involved with someone before they have freed themselves of the previous relationship entanglements. He was a liar then, and it's not going to change.

You are never going to get "the truth" from him. And it's always going to be somewhere in the back of your head that since he was willing to enter a relationship with you while it was still (technically) adultery, what ELSE is he willing to do?

Melody
Nuclear
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Re: DH's lies and past

Post by Melody » Tue Sep 27, 2016 9:20 am

Gonna chime in here - divorced versus "legally separated" is legal b.s. the difference is ONLY health insurance and 401K splits. My ex left me for the receptionist (and I can laugh and laugh because THAT worked out so well). Jackass acted like he was doing me SUCH a favor for staying on his policy. PITA BTW shithead "needed" to liquidate his entire 401K to pay for gifts and expenses the "psycho" receptionist after the split and then his (lovely! Not being sarcastic) HR department actually helped me with medical claims.
Ahole exes CAN drag things out (my POS ex certainly did) but WHY? And there is NO reason to lie about it! My hubby knew every stupid move and saw every stupid attorney letter.

Bella07
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Re: DH's lies and past

Post by Bella07 » Tue Sep 27, 2016 3:12 pm

Separation. He needs a lot of therapy. Tell him it's over unless he gets help and learns to stop lying.

For some people, lying is similar to a drug or alcohol addiction and very difficult to change.

Being married to a liar is the worst! How can you create and share a life with someone you can't trust? You can't. You deserve better.

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