Do you go to their funeral?

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Do you go to their funeral?

Post by mamarama » Thu Oct 13, 2016 12:52 pm

I cut off my mother, and consequently my father, in 2009. Mother is very unsafe for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and is not safe for my dd. However, we are all not getting any younger, and eventually they will pass away. Do you go to their funeral? Mother was the reason for the cut-off, but dad was collateral damage because he is her spouse and did nothing to stop her abuse, so he was an enabler. I don't think he ever once in his life stood up to her and told her to STFU. I do mourn the loss of my mother, and the reality that we never did nor will have the relationship that I always wanted with my mom. It doesn't mean I don't have love for them though. I don't know how to explain it.

But do you go to their funerals or not? Do I go to dad's and not mother's? Needless to say, the absence of their eldest child would be quite conspicuous. How do you reconcile these feelings? What do you do? Do you go to pay respect to the people who did raise you and tried to give you a materially comfortable childhood though mother was emotionally abusive, or do you not go and risk potentially never being able to forgive yourself?

To me, mother left my life for good 7 years ago. When she physically dies, what will die with her is hope, the hope that one day she will be truly contrite about the way she has treated me and would want to do whatever it takes to mend our relationship so it could become what I always wanted it to be. As long as she is alive, there is always hope.

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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by Bella07 » Thu Oct 13, 2016 1:15 pm

Funerals, IMO, are mostly about closure for the living. Only go if you need the closure and want to attend. Otherwise there is no need to torture yourself. Don't worry about what others think. If they are nosy enough to question you about your absence, simply tell them you dealt with your grief in your own way or something to that effect.

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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by Melody » Thu Oct 13, 2016 3:57 pm

What Bella said, although I personally WOULD go. My mother died when I was a teenager. I had kind of a turbulent relationship with her, my sister's was good. We of course went to the funeral and had good support, but it was closed casket. My sister and I think fairly differently but now almost 30 years later we BOTH sometimes have irrational thoughts and the occasional dream that she's hanging out on the beach somewhere sipping a pina colada.

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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by blue iris » Thu Oct 13, 2016 7:13 pm

My DH recently asked me this same question. Personally, I will not go to a funeral for DH's sisters or their husbands, since they have not spoken to us since DH informed them that we had to cut back on expensive gifts. DH probably would go, because he still wishes for a return to the relationship they used to have. But I don't think that will happen because we are no longer available to bail them out of every disaster.

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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by jigglypuff » Thu Oct 13, 2016 9:43 pm

I gave up hope on having a "normal" relationship with my mother years ago. She has always kept distance between herself and her children because she is emotionally disengaged, always has been. Like your Father, my DF (deceased), enabled my mother. He would sometimes speak his opinion but she'd easily overrule him.

As for funerals, pretty sure my DB and I would be in charge of our mother's funeral so it isn't as if I have a choice. Unless my Aunt wants to take over and if she did, I'd leave it in her hands. Even if I wasn't responsible for it, I would still go. I don't hate my mother but don't exactly love her anymore either. Does that make sense? She no longer affects my emotions like she used to.

When it comes to the ILs though, no, I will never attend any of their funerals. We didn't attend DH's GF's funeral. We've been CO for years and attending a funeral would only make the ILs believe we want to be part of their lives again, which we don't.

I don't know what you've gone through in your childhood with your mom but attending your parents' funerals is totally up to you. Maybe when the time comes you won't feel so put off by it and attend. I am leaning more towards you going only to avoid any unnecessary family drama if that's something you think might occur.
Last edited by jigglypuff on Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:33 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Fri Oct 14, 2016 11:21 am

When FIL passed away, OBIL did not come for his funeral. They had been estranged about 5 years (because of MIL) and OBIL did not feel there was any reason for him to go. He also said he thought MIL and :evil: BIL might cause a scene (which is very likely).

DH was extremely disappointed and felt it was very disrespectful. He has not forgiven OBIL for not coming and holds it against him.

When MIL was on her deathbed, OBIL would call DH but refused to speak any last words to MIL. When :evil: BIL arrived, he lied to MIL and said OBIL had asked him to tell her he was sorry he couldn't come and that he loved her. It wasn't true and I think the only reason :evil: BIL said it was because he wanted MIL to let go (aide was keeping her morphine at a low level until :evil: BIL arrived, then she upped it. MIL passed 4 hours later.)

Only go if you need closure for yourself. If there are other relatives there that will make a scene or take your attendance as a sign that you're ready to kiss and make up, don't go.
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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Sun Oct 16, 2016 4:01 pm

I agree it would be hard to decide if it were my own mother. Even estranged, if it will make you feel worse not to go, then it may be something you do for yourself. My sisters went to my mom's funeral even though their relationships with her were horrible. They did control all aspects of the arrangements though and it was not much of a service. I saw that as their prerogative, because I lived out of town and they dealt with her much more.

We weren't NC with either of my PILs when they died so we went to their funerals. EBIL skipped FILs funeral. He got pissed when ESIL and DH didn't want to have the funeral the day after FIL died and he got in his truck ran away like a little child, hoping never to come back again. He didn't count on the fact that he had to return to town a week later to sign the paperwork for his beloved little sis, ESIL to get HER inheritance money. He was dumb enough to think the bank would just take her word for it that she could claim his share, too. He also thought we would just give her enough money to get by until he felt like taking care of business. DH refused and he had to grudgingly come back to town. We took care of everything possible in two days and left and we've never been back.

I've imagined what would happen if ESIL or EBIL were to die before us. I'm sure someone would find a way to reach us to let us know, including detailed directions to the funeral home and the deadline for the payment. :lol: However, we would never imagine showing up. There is too much water under that particular bridge.

I have no doubt that if they were notified of our deaths, the first thing they would ask wouldn't be, "Where's the funeral?" It would be, "Where's my money?"
I'd imagine them raiding our home for valuables, but it's strange to realize that they would have to look on Google to find our house. We had actually been essentially estranged from them for years. They've never visited our house in the 17 years we've been here. They were never invited. Just the opposite.

Our executors are our best friends and they know every sordid detail. They know NOT to notify them and what to do if they show up. It's more likely that the ESIBs would try to contact them later and they have letters to send them explaining why our estate holds nothing for them at all. Of course the ESIBs don't know that, yet.

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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by miwako » Mon Oct 17, 2016 2:01 pm

I don't know if anyone will notify me when either of my parents die. I don't think anyone has my contact information except for one aunt who's 20 years older than them, so they'll probably outlive her. I'm ok with that. My parents were somewhat estranged from their own families, so I never really had any sort of relationship with most of them even before I went NC. So me going to see them and, god forbid, my surviving parent would just be awkward and unpleasant for everyone. I don't want to spend several hundred dollars to get sucked into their drama.

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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by Hiddenjem » Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:47 pm

No, to both birth family and inlaws.

It would be out of respect. We aren't close during life so why fake mourn any of them.

It would be awkward and feel fake to be in such a situation.

i didn't go to fil's funeral and it felt right.

The bonus I was pregnant and was too close to my due date to travel!

Dh called me from the funeral asking me and our toddler dd to drive for three hours to attend it.

I wasn't willing to risk having the baby there or dealing with a three hour car drive with toddler dd and end of pregnancy challanges.

If the inlaws would of ever treated me decent, I would of possibly taken the risk.
Last edited by Hiddenjem on Tue Oct 18, 2016 1:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Do you go to their funeral?

Post by bsfighter1 » Tue Oct 18, 2016 7:44 am

I can't personally speak to funerals of abusive FOO, but like people have said here, going to that funeral would really be about what you need (ie closure?) not what other people think. Of course, there are other ways to get closure for yourself, not just at a funeral, but that's based on the individual.

Thank you for bringing this topic up because for years since CO with ILs I've struggled with what should I do when the ILs croak? I knew that with certain ones, (ie FIL and step mil) I wouldn't think twice of ever travelling to a funeral of theirs and paying fake respects, but it was for the other extended, enabler ILs funerals that I questioned whether I should go. I now know it is a resounding no. These people aren't close to me, and while I don't hate them, I don't necessarily like them either as some of them have also shown they don't have mine or my family's best interest at heart, and that it's all about them and their image of the faaamily. Going to any of their funerals would be out of fake obligation and putting myself and my children once again in the company of toxic people we've cut off, for what? To pay surface 'respects?' I can pay my surface respects and condolences to my DH who is the only one I care about out of the lot. Under normal circumstances I would go to pay my surface respects to people I'm not close to, but the cons far outweigh the prose of keeping up appearances in my IL situation.

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