Does this happen to you?

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WatchingMyBack
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Does this happen to you?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Wed Nov 30, 2016 6:22 pm

I've had a lot going on and am just really down in the dumps.

We went to visit DM this past weekend. As I've mentioned, her house isn't how we keep ours and DH was very bothered by how unclean many things were. It was supposed to be a quick trip. The only reason we went was because he had to meet a client that lives in that area, so how I could be there and not visit with DM?

I made a mini-Thanksgiving meal (brought everything I would need from home, including dishes....). The day went fine. DB and SIL came over, a childhood friend and her husband joined us and DM had a wonderful day visiting with everyone. I mostly stayed busy in the kitchen and cleaned.

After everyone left, DM went to bed, so I decided to go read for a while a relax. DH stayed on his computer in the kitchen. After maybe 5 minutes, my DM CALLS me on my cellphone (guest bedroom is on the lower level and not within earshot of her bedroom) to tell me she thinks she is having a heart attack. She's had two before, so I raced upstairs and called 911, found her nitro tablets in her purse and called DB and DSis.

An ambulance and rescue crew arrived pretty fast, and DB and SIL came just after. They worked on DM and said she did have an attack and were transporting her to the hospital. I went with DB and SIL. DH stayed at DM's house.

It was a long night, with DM having a Code Blue and possibly having to be air lifted to another hospital. They finally got the blockage cleared and she was taken to ICU around 3 am.

Got a few hours of sleep and went to the hospital at 9. DH went with me. DM was still in critical condition.

I knew that DH wanted to leave and come home, but DB had to go see his cancer dr in another state (just for the day and back) and Dsis couldn't come until Wednesday. I felt I needed to stay, so we stayed one more night.

DM had a slight improvement yesterday and DB and SIL were there, so I told DH we could leave. All seemed fine on the ride back.

Today DH is being incredibly hateful to me. Like he is REALLY ANGRY that I kept him from work and not speaking to me. We went home for lunch as we always do and when I asked what he wanted, all I get is "I'm not hungry" (he likes to skip meals a lot and is sickly thin because of it). I made half a sandwich and ate in silence. I got up to wash my plate and reached for his. He jumps up and says "I'll take care of it." I said I'm washing mine and he got really nasty and jerked away from me and put his plate in the dishwasher. So instead of riding back to the office with him, I picked up my bag and said I'll take my own car.

I haven't run into him at the office, but I'm so upset that he is acting so mean. I asked 3 times what did I do to upset and he just say either "nothing" or "he's not upset" which is complete crap.

The thing is, he does this alot whenever I am sick or someone in my FOO is having a problem (like when my DF died last year, or when my beloved dog died 7 years ago) He gets nasty and cold. It is like he feels he has to punish me for being sick or for being sad or upset.

I could throw up from it right now.

We have a trip scheduled to see GS in a week and are finalizing plans for our move. I think that is another reason he is "punishing" me because he is in a quandry about selling our business and is taking it out on me (I told him do what will make him happy and I'll go along with it). I'm sure he's going to say he's not going to go now.

Why does he do this???????
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

MountainLover
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by MountainLover » Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:24 pm

He's being very childish. You don't have to put up with that crap. You had a legitimate family emergency where, in a healthy family dynamic, it would have been normal to stay an extra day or two. HOWEVER, the question is: Is your family toxic to your DH? Is he only this way about your family, or does he handle other conflict issues like this as well?

WatchingMyBack
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Wed Nov 30, 2016 8:44 pm

They're not toxic to him. DHs family always acted superior and condescending. They like DH but he doesn't really like them. He talked a lot about how he had to take care of HIS. Parents to DB and SIL a lot. I think he has some need to feel HE has had much worse to deal with I'm really getting very sick of it again. I think he misses being sick and having that to whine about to people. One of the reasons he starves himself to look sickly and doesn't take meds dr prescribes. He was sick but I think he is acting like a hypochondriac now. Jerk. I just needed to vent
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

MountainLover
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by MountainLover » Wed Nov 30, 2016 8:57 pm

Thanks for clarifying, I just wanted to make sure. So this is him being a childish jerk.

My DH doesn't act out in that way, but he has his own methods of being obnoxious.

IMO your jerkface is probably not worth keeping around, unless he's willing to change a LOT. Another board on which I lurk refers to "two carding" jerkfaces. You present him with two business cards, one for a marriage therapist of your selection and one for a divorce attorney: "So, jerkface, which one will it be?"

Everyone realizes it's not that straightforward, but the concept is to decide whether you have something that is both salvageable and that you both WANT to salvage it. Then you go forward from there.

Hiddenjem
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by Hiddenjem » Wed Nov 30, 2016 9:47 pm

What is the latest on your Mom's health? Did Dh change his mind on selling the business to punish you for caring about your mom?

Mountain lover has given very good advice.

It is pathetic about your Dh resenting not being the center of attention and even avoids eating to stay looking sick.

I can imagine how hurt and resentful you must feel from his lack of support. I care ((((hugs))))
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

jigglypuff
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by jigglypuff » Thu Dec 01, 2016 4:29 am

I think that is another reason he is "punishing" me because he is in a quandry about selling our business and is taking it out on me (I told him do what will make him happy and I'll go along with it). I'm sure he's going to say he's not going to go now.

Why does he do this???????
Does he have a difficult time expressing himself? Maybe that's it. Maybe he can't express his concerns and feelings in a healthy way so he tries to suppress it but it comes through in an unhealthy way.
Does he have difficulty with change? Maybe the transition is stressing him out and he can't figure out a way to cope with it.

If he is unsure about selling the business, maybe it'd be best if you guys hold onto it a little longer. Weigh out the pros and cons, give your DH sometime to feel better about it. I think with something this major, you both should be on board and feel good about the decision. When one takes a leap and the other is hesitant, it could end up causing a lot of resentment down the road, on both sides.
Best you could do is sit him down and try to let him get everything off his chest. It's hard when one partner wants something and the other is holding back.

I hope he eventually comes to his senses and stops behaving this way towards you. It's really not fair to you.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WatchingMyBack
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Thu Dec 01, 2016 12:29 pm

All of you make me feel so much better. Thank goodness I have you all to talk to.

I just left him alone yesterday and didn't really have much to say. He asked if there was news on my mother (she is improving a lot, but not out of the woods yet. Still in ICU and still having blood pressure issues. A lot of confusion, which is worrisome. Pneumonia is my biggest concern)

Usually I would try to talk DH "off the ledge" of why he was being so mean because, you know, it is always MY fault whatever it going on (I've been the scapegoat of his family too long. It is an entrenched way of how I was treated for so long.) But he's done this a lot of times already this year. Especially if I was out of town visiting GS. DH wouldn't answer the phone if I called, then would be short and angry with me if he did finally pick up. He'd complain how overwhelmed he was having to take care of my dogs (which he already does, except now he has to give the two of them a bowl of food. Oh, the horror!) He would complain I was "so busy" with everybody else and he was "sorry to take time from my busy schedule". I was really angry about that. DIL had a difficult birth and it was scary and upsetting there. We were up 24 hours back and forth to the hospital. And HE was upset I was "ignoring" him because I didn't call until 9:30 at night?? A real F*tard.

If I tell DH to sell the business, he starts coming up with reasons why he should keep it. If I tell him to keep it, he rails and is angry that don't I see how worn out he is and he just can't keep doing this every day?? I.can't.win
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Thu Dec 01, 2016 2:02 pm

I can relate to what you're going through. My DH reacts the exact same way. It seems that whenever I go out of my way for anyone in my family (or his, now that I think about it) he initially reacts negatively. Churlish, childish, selfish.

One example: I had to go to my DMs side to help her recover after surgery and when he first found out, he told me no, I couldn't go. :lol: I had to really hash it out with him and tell him I was going and that he could be proud of me or pissed that he was going to have to wash his own dishes for a change.

I think there's a reason both our DHs react that way. It's your DM or him. You are neglecting his needs for hers and she is not supposed to be as important to you. I had to actually tell my husband, because he was raised among a snake's nest of Narcs and he doesn't instinctively know that going 500 miles away for 2 or 3 weeks to tend to my sick mother was the RIGHT thing to do and leaving it to my sibs who lived near her and took care of her needs 90% of the time was the wrong thing to do.

DH wasn't used to wanting to do anything to benefit his sibs without getting a few teeth pulled before hand and a kick in the ass from them after, so he really didn't understand why I'd go out of my way to make things easier on mine. He still wasn't totally convinced, but I told him to accept it because I could not see myself as a good person unless I did some good things. It was going to happen and he could, as an intelligent adult, figure out what to do to take care of himself for a while. Then I told him I loved him and would miss him as I was packing to go. He got over it by the second or third day, and all was well.

WatchingMyBack
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Thu Dec 01, 2016 3:20 pm

Well, he's definitely giving me the Silent Treatment now. Went home for lunch and to take care of the dogs. Not a single word spoken other than when I asked a question relating to work (the response was "No")

He really does become more and more like MIL every day. :? He'll never apologize. He'll think he can wear me down but not this time. I've been down this road so many times this year, I'll let him enjoy a little of his own medicine.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

MountainLover
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by MountainLover » Thu Dec 01, 2016 8:46 pm

Dude belongs on the couch or in a different bedroom. He's acting like a bad roommate, to say nothing of a shitty spouse. Quit taking all the responsibility for his behavior and let him feel some consequences. He wants to be a jerk about feeding the dogs? Guess what? He can now do his own laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning and every other single task related to keeping his life going. He wants to act like he's alone? Good. Let him be alone.

Hiddenjem
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by Hiddenjem » Thu Dec 01, 2016 8:47 pm

I am proud of you. It isn't right that Dh is putting you in this position.

I care (((((hugs)))))
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

WatchingMyBack
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Location: New York State

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Fri Dec 02, 2016 9:58 am

He's starting to get annoyed now that I am not falling into my old "kiss and make up" pattern. My guess, based on the way MIL was, he'll dig in his heels and really double down treating me like I am invisible. He had me list an item for him on eBay the other day and I had to let him know the status of it. He gave me the most hateful glare when I walked up to him. If one of our employees hadn't been standing there, I would have been tempted to say "You know what? F* you"

And last night YDS called our home phone. You can see the phone number on the TV screen, so we knew who it was. He hands the phone to me without answering (he does this with all of the DC because "they can't be bothered to call" him :shock: or with OBIL or even with a couple of his friends. He just hates everybody). I talked to YDS for a while (he isn't happy with his job and dating life) and hung up. Normally YDS would ask to speak to DH, so I was surprised he didn't. Nothing more said.

This morning on the way to work, DH breaks his silent treatment and asks "What did YDS have to say?" Oh, man, oh, man how I wanted to say "Well, if you'd answered the phone and spoken to him yourself, you'd know wouldn't you?" I was tempted to just say "Nothing" and let it go. But we will be seeing YDS in a week when we go to visit ODS and GS, so I figure I'd better not add fuel to the fire. I glossed over and basically said "same thing as always, just unhappy about the workload and flaky people he has met."

I'm glad I can come here and get these things off my chest. It helps to steel my resolve for the day :wink:
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

mamarama
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by mamarama » Fri Dec 02, 2016 10:40 am

I'm sorry about your mom. I hope she feels better. Hugs.

I don't like the way you're being treated, and you deserve better. It's a shame your H doesn't think his wife deserves to be treated better.

All of this pouting because you didn't leave your mom's house when he wanted to? He's taking this a little far, don't you think?

What he's doing is very selfish and immature. And I've heard from many different sources that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. You might have to be the bigger person and sit him down like you would a child and tell him that his way of dealing with his anger is not working for you and is damaging your marriage.

Maybe you could tell him that you will not put up with this and will be staying somewhere else until he decides to go to a marriage counselor with you? Right now, there have been no repercussions for his behavior and he has been allowed to get away with it. Besides, if he is going to sulk and be obnoxious, and about something so trivial as having to stay because your mom had a HEART ATTACK, you don't have to be there for it or put up with it. He's coming off as quite selfish. He wants you to be as selfless as he is selfish. :evil:

Whether or not he's feeling the pressure from the indecision about selling the business is irrelevant. Just because he's stressed does not entitle him to take it out on other people. All that is is an excuse for shitty behavior. Besides, I'm sure you're under a lot of emotional stress because of your mom AND selling the business, but that doesn't entitle you to be mean to your husband. You've got a double dose of stress to his single dose. gheesh.

I really don't know what else to say because it's been so long since I've dealt with an insolent child. Sorry.

No, this never happened to me. When my husband would get angry, he wouldn't give me the silent treatment. Quite the opposite, and much more abusive. He would yell and scream, call me every name in the book. When I would try to get away from him, he would follow me around to every room in the house screaming insults at me. If I would try to lock myself in one of the bedrooms, he would pick the lock so he could get to me. Once he even took my car keys so I couldn't leave and would have to sit there and take it. At the same time, I was afraid to leave the house because that's when he would start destroying things that are dear to me, like pictures of dead relatives and stuff. He even threw all of the jewelry my dead grandmother had given me out on the lawn and cut all of the strings on my cello. And all of that is just the tip of the iceberg. I think I would have preferred the silent treatment :(

MountainLover
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by MountainLover » Fri Dec 02, 2016 3:51 pm

Don't list any more items on Ebay for him....Or do any. other. task. at. all. for him.

If he won't talk to you like a civilized human being, don't talk to him. See how he likes some silent treatment. If he won't communicate on his own with his children, stop passing messages.

bsfighter1
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Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by bsfighter1 » Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:29 am

Wow. How incredibly selfish and mean he's being. What's his problem? I second the advice of everyone on here. With my DH I don't get major silent treatments usually, but his behaviour baffles me often, and we aren't the most compatible personalities. Somehow everything end up being my fault mainly, or he uses my vulnerabilities as an excuse to blame his behaviour on me. Sometimes I just get so fed up because it's an emotional roller coaster. I'm always stuck between the ideas of if he's 'too good to leave, or too bad to stay.' If my DH was a blatant abuser who contributed nothing to our family I would leave his a** in a second, especially given all the awful treatment I received from his side of the family (even though I would lose some control over whom my children associate with--I'm sure he'd have them back up there in that den of snakes before I could blink). But often leaving a marriage isn't quite that simple, especially if it's not in your face abuse, and your partner's behaviour is nuanced. feel your frustration and pain.

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