Does this happen to you?

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jigglypuff
Nuclear
Posts: 2302
Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:32 am

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by jigglypuff » Mon Dec 05, 2016 3:21 am

Well see, I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but after reading your post, dude is behaving like a douche. I don't think I know any man who behaves that childish. He's being ridiculous.

I agree with ML, don't do him any favors if he's going to continue behaving this way. If he asks about the Ebay listing, tell him to do it himself. Let him know that these are the repercussions for treating your wife poorly.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WatchingMyBack
Nuclear
Posts: 1314
Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:14 pm
Location: New York State

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Dec 05, 2016 1:48 pm

On the way home from work on Friday I said to DH that I'd had enough of him giving me the silent treatment since I hadn't done anything, and that if this is how it was going to be, we have to look at parting ways.

At first he said he had "nothing to say", which is his usual (over the last 36 years) thing to say when he is giving me the silent treatment (again, this was a learned behavior from his parents. They used it ALL THE TIME to get their way). I can tell he had been waiting for days to say that to me. " I have nothing to say."

Then he had plenty to say. He starts saying that ALL BECAUSE OF ME he signed a contract for a new machine AND a three year service contract :shock: And that he had spoken to our key employee pair about "scaling back" and they "shut him down". That they feel we already have too much work and not enough employees, and if he reduces the staff it simply won't work because they KNOW he won't say no to a customer. EVER. And they're right, but he got very angry because he kind of sprang this on them (when they were already overloaded with a bunch of deadlines) and they hadn't had time to discuss it or talk it over. He was just DEMANDING an answer and being very manic.

I had told him before that scaling back was an OPTION as opposed selling or just closing the doors. But I had told him over and over and over that I didn't care anymore what he did. He took good care of the employees for nearly 20 years with full benefits and healthcare, a 401K, etc. but he doesn't have to carry that burden anymore. They are not his responsibility (and he honestly doesn't feel they are because he doesn't like any of them and says they're all worthless and lazy; they are an excuse to stay on the fence).

Then he starts saying "You said this and you said that" And I yelled (!) back that Oh, no I didn't and you can stop putting YOUR words in my mouth. There is NO DOUBT in my mind that he was hashing this over with his stupid friend in South Africa that I can't stand and his other good for nothing leech friend in the US who are always happy to throw me under the bus and they egged him on to the point he reached.

And I told him to stop blaming me and do what he wants.

At least no more silent treatment. Interestingly, he called both ODS and YDS later on the phone because he hadn't talk to them all week (I'm sure they called and he ignored their calls).

He just doesn't know what to do and he has tried blaming everybody else and it looks like it was my turn this week.

My feeling is, he really doesn't want to sell his business, even though he really doesn't want to keep doing what he does now. He really doesn't want to move to a different state (he has lived here all of his life), but he wants to be near GS and he liked the place we were looking at (which we are going to stay at this weekend coming up for 2 days. Should be interesting to see how that affects him.)

The issue is, it is my fault that he can't be two people at the same time. :o
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

MountainLover
Infuriated
Posts: 385
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:07 pm

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by MountainLover » Tue Dec 06, 2016 11:05 pm

So how much more of his verbal and emotional abuse is it going to take for you to give him some genuine consequences, like putting that threat of separation into action?

WatchingMyBack
Nuclear
Posts: 1314
Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:14 pm
Location: New York State

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Wed Dec 07, 2016 11:09 am

MountainLover, I think the biggest problem is that I have had so many emotionally abusive people in my life, starting with my FOO, a psycho BF before I met DH, and the PIL, OBIL, :evil: BIL and DH, that I have such a thick skin. These things are an annoying speed bump for me. I do get very upset and need to vent, but the one thing I've noticed is that I no longer cry. I was always very emotional and would cry easily.

My DF would cup his hands in front of my face and say "Awww, cry me a handful you crybaby." That was the beginning of my learning to internalize my emotions.

With all of my abusers, my tears seemed to make them happy, like a reward for having reduced me to that emotional state. It became that if I cried, it was in private.

I'd say in the last 15 years, I stopped crying at all. I can only recall 5 times I've really needed to cry because I was sad in the last 10 years:

# 1 - When my beloved miniature Schnauzer Marty died. I cried for 4 days straight because I was so heartbroken. I still cry when I look at his picture. I loved that dog like a child and miss him every day.

# 2 - When I visited the 911 Memorial museum last year. The minute I walked through the door I started weeping and could not stop. It ripped my heart out.

# 3 - When they lowered FIL's casket and I saw the deep emotional sadness on the faces of DH, ODS and YDS.

# 4 - Ditto for MIL. But not as much.

# 5 - Whenever I look at a photo of my DF, who passed away last year. I wasn't able to go to his funeral because of a surgery I had the day after he died and couldn't fly. I get tears in my eyes because I miss the Daddy that he was in that photo. The one I remember from when I was very, very little.

I know that I have reached a point of being emotionally dead to much of what DH says and does. Same with my FOO. Even with my DD, who has BPD.

My plans to move close to GS are in full motion. The things DH has been doing business-wise will likely keep him here at least 3 more years. I can go back and forth between both places as needed, but it is my plan to close to GS. So the "separation" will be happening without it being a split anyway. I'll be living there, he'll be living here and getting pissed that I'm not here and won't call or be in touch, and well, out of sight, out of mind, right?

I'm just letting the chips fall where they may at this point. And to be honest, I worry that by "formalizing" a split, it would cause DH to cut off ODS, YDS and GS, which I don't want to happen. They all need to have their own relationshp with DH, but he always likes to tie it all up together as a package deal (a la MIL). It wouldn't just be splitting from me, but from the adult DC, too, and I don't want to see that.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1721
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by Melody » Wed Dec 07, 2016 11:28 am

((Hugs!!!)) WatchingMyBack. I haven't said anything because I'm not sure what to say or what would be helpful. I support you though. You're being treated so badly through no fault of your own and I'm not sure if its right to suck any of it up ("empathize") because you're dealing with a victim or not (my hubs can be nasty but its because he was "taught" this by a psycho stepmother). That seems so very wrong - especially after SO MANY YEARS but I don't just don't know.

All the strength to you. You WILL make the right decision and DON'T question it. Hugs again!

Hiddenjem
Nuclear
Posts: 2321
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by Hiddenjem » Wed Dec 07, 2016 10:24 pm

(((((Hugs))))) I am proud of you. Thank you for keeping us posted. I like your plan for dealing with the situation and Dh,
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

MountainLover
Infuriated
Posts: 385
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:07 pm

Re: Does this happen to you?

Post by MountainLover » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:02 am

I am glad you have a plan! ***hugs*** Please, if at all possible, get some counseling immediately so that you work on building/rebuilding your sense of self. It will help so much as you move forward in steps to get away from this abusive jerk.

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