What gives?

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bsfighter1
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What gives?

Post by bsfighter1 » Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:09 am

I had to sleep in my 8-year-olds room last night because I was just so upset at DH last night. DH and I don't get along great to begin with, and he comes from a small minded sub-culture and a family of narcs who are never wrong (or will hardly admit it anyway). DH thinks he's NEVER wrong either and always finds a way to twist all of our problems onto me.

So why do I stay? Well, besides practical reasons, there are the times when he can be quite thoughtful. A few days ago he said he would make dinner for me and the fam on Friday which I thought was sweet. But of course I always feel a bit of trepidation any time we make plans cuz I never know how it's going to go.

Of course DH comes in later than expected from work without any communication as to when he'll be home, and by this time kids and I are starving and weren't sure we should eat something. I text him to find out when he'll be home and he automatically gives me attitude like I'm pressuring him or something (keep in mind it wasn't my idea that he make dinner for us). It's like I don't even have the right to ask him questions without being made to feel like I've done something wrong. This upset me a lot because I never told him to do me any favours, and figure if you can't be hospitable when doing a favour for someone why do it at all? I'm sorry if he felt stressed from work and having to shop for dinner after, but this was his choice and I fail to see how his stress was my fault. Am I being unreasonable?

Needless to say, this ended up in a big argument that left me feeling very belittled (he literally said I was 'unworthy' of his effort) and I'm sure he wasn't feeling happy also. Even though his dinner turned out nice, I went to the table feeling drained and upset, like I was paying emotionally for his 'kindness.' I'm not sure if I'm being ungrateful, but it just seems crazy to do something for someone and make all that effort if you're snarky and end up upsetting the person (and yourself) in the process. It just makes me sad and upset and wishing we had just done something simple like a frozen lasagna instead to try to avoid the drama.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: What gives?

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sat Dec 03, 2016 10:11 am

Went through a lot of that with my husband being incredibly inconsiderate about calling. I went through the whole call, text, hungry kids, why didn't you call arguments too. So this is what I started doing years ago.

Dinner will be on the table at 6:30. If DH is not home, the children and I eat. Period. He gets a reheated meal. If he calls and lets me know he will be 15-20 min late, I will readjust meal time, otherwise, tough.

When I first stared doing this DH complained I told him then he better learn to be more considerate of us. Don't argue, or discuss with him, just state what is going to happen. You are done with having to deal with hungry upset children. Besides it really just cruel to do this to a child.

When dealing with narcissists, you have to remember you are essentially dealing with a toddler. So do what you would do to train a toddler.
being made to feel like I've done something wrong.
It just makes me sad and upset and wishing we had just done something simple like a frozen lasagna instead to try to avoid the drama.
As for getting upset, you are going to have to train yourself to not care. I did. I just do not care if he is upset . You are doing nothing wrong so stop feeling bad. There is no drama if you don't care. Ignore any and all snarky comments. Really. He is doing it to get a rise out of you and manipulate you anyway. So don't let him. Concentrate on your kids. They are really what matter anyway.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

bsfighter1
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Re: What gives?

Post by bsfighter1 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 3:39 pm

PutMILinherplace wrote: As for getting upset, you are going to have to train yourself to not care. I did. I just do not care if he is upset . You are doing nothing wrong so stop feeling bad. There is no drama if you don't care. Ignore any and all snarky comments. Really. He is doing it to get a rise out of you and manipulate you anyway. So don't let him. Concentrate on your kids. They are really what matter anyway.
Hey PutMILinherplace, thanks for the advice on this thread and others. It's been an incredibly tough weekend with DH actually, and has left me seriously wondering if I need to consider separation since our personalities have constantly clashed with each other for the past 10+ years and it sometimes gets to the point where I just don't think I can take anymore, and our poor children are always caught in the middle which isn't fair to them.

I can try the 'not caring' advice. You certainly sound like a much tougher-skinned person than I do (that's a compliment). DH and I had huge war last night that has me feeling so drained and empty right now. I asked him point blank today if he wanted the marriage because I couldn't live like this anymore, and that I was even willing to separate temporarily from him while we figured things out, and he could still have full access to the children.

It seemed like separation was not an option for him, but I did tell him that we have a week to seriously figure out where we go from here, because just saying things like "we have to be strong for our family" means nothing to me anymore. As for this evening, I plan to keep myself away from him as much as possible in order to prevent any possible other fights, and at least he's going away on a mini-business trip this week which will reduce our contact with each other.

When we married, I knew we were never 'soulmates' if you believe in such things, but he was a decent and responsible guy who shared similar family values I did. I never thought things could just continue to get worse and worse between us. The ILs were a MAJOR point of contention for us and our marriage, with me having to accept that I married into a family of narcs and enablers who for some reason decided that they were out to get me, and it was hard for him to accept that the 'family' he thought loved him really didn't love him much at all. But, since CO, while the topic of ILs are still an ongoing point of tension in our marriage, their bs has faded into the past just like they have since we hardly make any contact with them anymore. So, that just leaves me and DH and our problems. Sometimes I think marrying him was just a complete nightmare all around. Besides being more financially stable and having a nice home (just material things) the marriage and ILs have really diminished me. Of course, if I had the chance to do it all over again I would not a change a thing if it meant never knowing my precious children.

WatchingMyBack
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Re: What gives?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Dec 05, 2016 5:42 pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I just have a flashback to 30 years ago when my kids were little. Although DH never made dinner, he was very often late or inconsiderate about when he would finally get home. And always expected me to wait until he was home to have dinner ready, usually because the PIL were there as well.

Reading your post gave me a gut punch feeling. And they only get worse as time goes by.

I put up with it for the kids and I kept believing it must have been me (I was told that SO much) because I came from a dysfunctional family life. I can't speculate on how things may have been if I'd left and took the kids. I think the ILs would have tried to take them away from me or made sure no child support or whatever to make my life a living Hell just because I would need to be "punished".

I'm so sorry.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

PutMILinherplace
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Re: What gives?

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Dec 05, 2016 8:49 pm

You certainly sound like a much tougher-skinned person than I do (that's a compliment).
Make no mistake it was learned . I was (according to those who have known me a long time) very different person only 16 years ago. When my first was born and my husband moved us next to door to his mother, I became, as my brother put it, a mama bear and roaring lion NO ONE expected me to become. The kids became first and to hell with everyone else and that included DH. I no longer cared about him, he didn't care enough about me to protect me and the kids from his mother so screw him! He is much better now that he has seen the light but we still have a lot of problems.

So I built a life pretty much separate from DH. I had dinner ready at a certain time and we ate whether he was there or not. If he went out to "help" mommy or a friend, I made sure he had his keys. He came home to a locked door, kids & wife in bed and a light on. I never asked anything about what happened. The kids and I became very involved in our church and the local food bank. DH came on Sun and Awana clubs on Wed but we did everything else in between without him. I homeschooled so there were plenty of activities and groups to meet up with (not sure why they call it homeschool since I was rarely home :lol: ) . The sad thing is now DH sees it but so did the kids. They know how their mother was treated and it doesn't make him look good. I was glad when he left for work and became anxious when he came home. Again things are better now but the damage is done.

I think it good that you made it clear that the words, "we have to be strong for our family" mean nothing . Only actions mean something. If you are involved in a good church I would talk to the pastor and maybe see about a counselor. Keep strong! You can get through this. I did. I decided that the fact I was a mother left me no alternative!
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

bsfighter1
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Re: What gives?

Post by bsfighter1 » Tue Dec 06, 2016 8:18 am

I put up with it for the kids and I kept believing it must have been me (I was told that SO much) because I came from a dysfunctional family life. I can't speculate on how things may have been if I'd left and took the kids. I think the ILs would have tried to take them away from me or made sure no child support or whatever to make my life a living Hell just because I would need to be "punished".
Many times I live with a sense of guilt thinking 'it must all be me because I was subtly taught that if I just changed everything would be better, or having a husband who basically implies that it's ALL me that's the problem (he has an excuse for all his behaviour, and when he doesn't it's 'just a joke,' but I have absolutely no excuse). According to him if I just 'changed my tone of voice and be sweet and pleasant no matter what (in other words a stepford wife) or just didn't nag him to do the chores all the time, or just didn't ask any questions when he is late or just [insert whatever reason] then things would be a-ok and he wouldn't have to react. It's a creepy way of thinking that is the exact replica of of the ILs thinking (ie if I just shut up and take whatever treatment they give me and act 'nice' then there would be no reason to escalate their abuse. But since I decided to have attitude about it they had a perfectly good reason to target even more). Twisted. I know I'm no saint 100% of the time, but I really have to challenge this guilt thing because it's funny how the people who are actually contributing to, if not completely instigating the bad behaviour feel hardly any guilt and just use your guilt to against you to paint themselves as the 'innocent' victims who have every right to treat you bad. Sometimes im not sure if there is something I'm transmitting that make certain types gravitate toward me and think they can do whatever they want to me without any repercussions, or if there is just a lot of crap people out there these days and it's almost impossible not to run into them. My heart is constantly on guard now because I've just come across way too many of these types (including DH) that make you feel small while boosting themselves up.

I was very distant with DH yesterday and it's funny how he was on his BEST behaviour, asking if I needed anything, telling the kids to keep it down for mommy (usually he's challenging me whenever I scold the kids) , etc. Funny how he can act like a gentleman when he wants to even if I'm not swooning all over him.

With regard to separation, the two emotional things that hold me back from leaving him is fear that he could be very spiteful and try to take the kids away from me, and that I would have no control over him taking my children to IL events in Redneckia with some of the most toxic, manipulative and vicious people I've ever encountered. And DH is certainly no protector. He'd often leave me on my own during these functions to fend for myself so he could chit chat with joe-bob whom he hadn't seen for eons, or his 'dear' brothers who don't give a crap about him at the end of the day and were key enablers to their wive's emotional abuse of me. You think DH would be by my side at all times knowing how awful and uncomfortable I felt and the sacrifice I was making being at those things, but nope. If anything it was me chasing after him, so how could I ever trust him to protect my children from bad treatment, and/or IL manipulation? Answer, I couldn't. The only time he sticks up for me is when he knows his head is in the chopping block. Smh

jigglypuff
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Re: What gives?

Post by jigglypuff » Fri Dec 16, 2016 5:08 am

A favor that leaves you feeling like shit isn't a favor. I think you give your H way too much credit for his random niceties. Niceties that he might be doing enough of just to keep you around. That still doesn't make up for what he lacks and how he treats you. Don't accept crumbs when you deserve a cake.

I understand your reason for not leaving him but don't believe that he's able to take the children away that easily. It's very difficult for a father to gain full custody of children. Unless you're abusing the kids or are you're on drugs, there's a very good chance the courts will default and leave them with you. But then you'll be left dealing with your xH taking the children over to see his toxic family. I really don't know if it's worse if you stay or go. Sadly, I see both sides not working in your favor here.

I'm not divorced and I don't have children so I can't offer you much advice when it comes to that.
It seems like you're still trying to fight for the marriage when your H isn't willing. You can't do this on your own. You especially can't do this if your H is an N. He will NEVER be able to change or care about you and the marriage. Ns are completely incapable of doing so.
Best thing you can do is simply survive the marriage until your children are grown and you can leave. So I would echo the advice PMILIHP offered you and learn to dodge your H and not allow for him to damage your self esteem and emotional health. It's not easy but with practice and time, you'll adjust. But in order for you to get there, you need to become apathetic. I think you're still stuck on trying to work things through and it's eating you up inside because he isn't making the same effort. You either stay trying, possibly in vain for the rest of your marriage or you learn to toughen up and get by the best you can. I seriously doubt your H is ever going to self reflect or put forth effort so I don't think you should hold your breath for any positive, long term changes.

Hope you can find a way to make something work for you. Just always keep in mind not to allow for him to get the better of you because if you do, you will eventually break and become a shattered person. You really can't allow for this to overtake you. Instead of focusing on the marriage, try focusing on yourself first. You need to develop ways to cope and heal before making everything else better.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

bsfighter1
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Re: What gives?

Post by bsfighter1 » Fri Dec 16, 2016 8:46 am

Hey jigglypuff. I completely agree with you that a favour is not a favor if it makes the other person feel like s***. Too bad my H still doesn't see it that way but oh well. I had to leave the home last weekend with my kids and stay at my mothers house for a night because I just needed a breather. H and I hashed it out the next day and the topic of his 'favours' came up to which I told him not to do me anymore favours (particularly ones I never asked for) if he feels so pressured and upset doing them. Why even do something nice for someone if you can't be, you know, nice, and then blame it on them for your stress? Crazy.

We've been able to patch things up a bit this week, and while I'm not sure if my H is a full blown N like some people on his side of the family, I've come to accept that he'll never be a self-reflective person and I just have to learn to play the game I guess. I especially have to play the game now that it's been reconfirmed to me that my mother is an unreliable support when it comes to me and my children. She keeps making it seem like as long as I was a single mom with a full time job I'd be okay, although part of my salary would be going to childcare because she made it clear that she's not even willing to support me with that on a reliable basis even part time. I have to survive the marriage now even more so, because the family support I thought I had doesn't seem to be as secure as I thought.

Melody
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Re: What gives?

Post by Melody » Sun Dec 18, 2016 9:45 am

@BSfighter - of EVERYTHING that is going on here, don't make FOO family support such a determining factor. My ex left me for the receptionist right after I had given birth to DS and DD was 2. I have only a brother who lives out of state, and a sister who was in the military at the time.

Don't get me wrong, it was not easy but I managed with help from friends. And I grew a lot when I was single. I also didn't have to wash the jackass' clothes, or cook what HE wanted for dinner, spend money I earned on luxuries HE wanted, or do what HE wanted all the time.
I am now happily remarried (except for dealing with his stepmonster) with two more children. And DD is an amazing student at a prestigious college, and DS is doing well in HS. And while they still see them, they have minimal contact with the ex (then complain to me after).

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