Feeling Like a Horrible Person

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Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby whydoyouhateme? » Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:36 am

DH and I stood up in our friend’s wedding over the weekend. I was so looking forward to sharing this wonderful occasion with Bride and Groom and DH. As the long day went on and we were drinking more and more, I could feel myself getting tipsy quite early in the afternoon/evening. I ended up ruining the night for DH and myself. The last thing I really remember is sitting down for dinner and someone passing me a flask. After that, I don’t remember much besides being mad at DH (I don’t even know what triggered it) and spending most of the night crying in the bathroom and telling guests, that were only mutual acquaintances by the way, how awful DH is to me. I missed everything. I don’t remember eating dinner, I missed the cake cutting, and the father-daughter and mother-son dance. I missed the “anniversary dance” and the bouquet toss (not that I would’ve been trying to catch it). I don’t believe Bride and Groom caught on to this, but Groom did text DH in the morning asking how I was feeling. I can’t take it back and I’ve apologized to DH who is quite mad.

I think I have a drinking problem. This isn’t the first time I’ve been an emotional mess and ruined nights when I’ve drank too much. Actually, looking back I’ve ruined a lot of nights with a lot of people, even before I met my husband. I’ve aired our dirty laundry to our friends when drinking, I’ve hosted parties only to wind up in bed before it even ended, I went to my friend’s bridal shower so hung over I spent the first 5 minutes puking in the lawn and the rest of it laying down in my car – needless to say she stopped being friends with me a few days later.

I don’t drink often, but when I do I can’t stop, don’t want to stop, and won’t stop. Sometimes the fun side of me comes out and everything is absolutely fine. But sometimes the emotional, crazy girl comes out that’s angry with the world. I never know which it’s going to be. I know this is going to be tough because our group of friends are big drinkers. Will they be understanding? Will they pressure me? I don’t want to lose any of their friendships, and I think that’s most important.

Is it okay to have an occasional glass of wine at home with DH when DD goes to bed? Is it okay to have a few beers with our friends during football season? Where do I draw the line?

I hate myself for not really being present at Bride and Groom’s reception. I hope someday I can forgive myself.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody -- Bill Cosby
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Re: Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby Hiddenjem » Tue Aug 22, 2017 12:20 pm

First you are only human. I am proud of of you being realistic about your reaction to drinking. I know you regret your behavior. I don't think you are a horrible person. The choices you have made with drinking were not the wisest of decisions though.

Now, to your questions. No, you can't handle social alcohol drinking. The answer is no to all the questions about times that would be okay for you to be drinking. Perhaps though, you could switch to sparking cider or non alcoholic beer after dd goes to bed to unwind. Or even caffeine free green tea! The health benefits are remarkable as a bonus!

However, you could still possibly go to events, go out to a dining place, weddings, football games, parties, and drink non alcoholic drinks. It works for me. I just drink water in a wine glass verses a typical water glass. Ginger ale has the right color if you wanted to have alcohol looking drink color to blend in.

If your friends are real friends, they will enjoy you for you verses you needing a alcoholic drink to be worth spending time around. If they are uncomfortable around you for not drinking, it is their insecurity and their loss.

I confess that I don't drink by choice but most people do tend to do better avoiding situations that trigger out of control behavior.

I know you will make the right decisions for your health, and long term happiness.

I am addicted to big bags of bubble gum and bubble gum flavored suckers. I just can't buy them even though I love them! I avoid the candy row and the check out lanes that that have them. Why? I will chew a whole bag of bubble gum in one sitting or more than one sucker in one sitting! It is not something that I am proud of but I confess to having addictive personality.

If someone offered to invite me to the candy isle for a conversation, I know I would end up putting bubble gum in my shopping cart. I would end up buying the bag of gum and chewing a lot of before even arriving home from my drive! Again, I am not proud of my weakness but it is part of what me who I am. I just have to resist temptation and be strong.

I suspect that you have a addictive personality as well.

It is possible to have a full and happy life without alcohol (and it's bad consquences) but it has to be a daily choice for you!

If you opt to stop drinking, you have more to gain than to lose. I know you are worth the time and effort to live the best life you can. You can do this!

We are both parents. I found myself humiliated seeing my children watch me with my out of control chewing when I felt upset or worried about something. I didn't like the look of horror on their faces when they asked if I was not going to share the gum. The goal is for me to set a good example of moderation in all things.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby IrishLass » Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:24 am

I had an Uncle who is was an alcoholic, I think you have to go cold turkey. Drank his whole fortune away and only family left for him once his "friends" knew he had no more funds to party. I think you at least are willing to admit you have a problem. I heard AA is a great program. I wish you the best, please keep us updated.
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Re: Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby WatchingMyBack » Wed Aug 23, 2017 4:42 pm

What you describe is drinking to mask your social anxiety. It doesn't sound like you have to have a drink or more every single day. Alcoholics must drink because they are addicted.

Wine is my self medication of choice, and I do like to have a glass most days after work or with dinner. My father was a terrible alcoholic, but I do not have an addictive personality and I don't "have" to have a drink.

I am also a social anxiety drinker. Some neighbors of ours made an inference that I "had" to have wine because I would have a glass if it was offered at a get-together or if we went out to a restaurant. So I now decline if it is offered when I am with those people.

What I recommend is if you are in a situation where you think people will be upset that you're not drinking, just tell them you're on a medication that says no alcohol. Lets you off the hook. If they ask which one, just smile and tell them not to ask such personal questions and change the subject.

If you do feel you might have alcoholic issues, then AA is a good place for you to think about. I have a friend who says AA saved his life and he has been an AA sponsor for 30 plus years. He can't say enough about how it has changed people's lives for the better.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby jigglypuff » Sat Aug 26, 2017 1:54 am

I'm sorry you went through that and are now dealing with the guilt. Why do YOU think you are drinking like this?
From your post it sounds like you are masking a lot of resentment and unresolved pain. That can cause you to drink. It was probably easiest for you at the wedding because it's a large social gathering and the alcohol was easily accessible.

I know this is going to be tough because our group of friends are big drinkers. Will they be understanding? Will they pressure me?

I don't know how old you are but I find this to be a huge problem with the younger generation. They drink and smoke way too much. We are currently raising a generation of addicts.
I personally don't understand the need to drink in order to have fun. I also find it sad that you feel you will lose friends over not drinking. If drinking is the only reason you guys are friends, then sad to say, these people really aren't your friends. Maybe on some deep level you know that?

Is it okay to have an occasional glass of wine at home with DH when DD goes to bed? Is it okay to have a few beers with our friends during football season? Where do I draw the line?

You draw the line where you know you're going to get out of control. Nothing wrong with having a drink or two (my limit is always 2 drinks no matter what) but getting to the point where you're no longer in control of yourself is where the problem lies. You should always be in control. So if you know you're going to get tipsy and it may continue from there, that's where it should stop. Some people are unable to do this and tso they can't drink at all. You need to know your limits.

Have you ever gone to therapy? It sounds like you are harboring a lot of pain and I think that is linked to your drinking. They call it the truth serum for good reason and you spilled out a lot of your true, inner feelings while drunk.
I think you need to deal with what's hurting you first and foremost.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby Bella07 » Tue Aug 29, 2017 1:53 pm

I'm proud of you for acknowledging that you have a problem. ((((Hugs))))

The simple fact that you lack self control and that it has ruined many occasions are the indicators that this isn't working for you. You draw the line at self control. If you can't just have a glass of wine in the evening, or two drinks with dinner and stop, then you need to just quit entirely.

Feel free to message me if you need to talk. I married an alcoholic, my dad is an alcoholic, which I never noticed growing up, and I have so many alcoholics in my family that I'm amazed that I'm not one as well. So I know a bit this topic. Take care!
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Re: Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby PutMILinherplace » Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:03 pm

My grandmother has a saying. "Its only a mistake if you don't learn from it" Don't beat yourself up , just learn from what you have done. Take steps to change.

Now you know. It would be wise for you to never drink again or at least not for a while. You have realized you can not control it after the first sip. You really don't need it anyway. And it is going to cost you relationships in the future if it hasn't already. If you have friends who pressure you into doing something, are they really friends? (Isn't that what you would ask a child who is enduring peer pressure?) If you never take that first drink , you never have to worry about drinking too much.

If you feel AA would be of benefit, go. Its not for everyone I know but you need to take steps now before it gets worse. I would definitely see about getting into counseling. Stopping drinking really isn't enough. You need to understand why you drinking , what are you trying to not think about or face.

You can do it!
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Re: Feeling Like a Horrible Person

Postby bsfighter1 » Sun Sep 03, 2017 9:00 am

Firstly, very courageous of you to admit to this because drinking in this society is a huge stigma, although society itself is sick by offering this addictive substance like candy then turning their noses up on people who 'can't handle their addictive substance' :roll: even calling someone an 'alcoholic' is a label fraught with stigma because it dehumanizes the person. We don't call people who smoke a cigarette-o-holic who have to go to cigarettes anonymous and turn their will and life over to a group of strangers. We don't call people addicted to food a food-o-Holic (maybe a Choco-Holic to be cute?) we may encourage them to cut back on their food intake and go on a diet (even though not really any if our business) but we don't force them to go 'cold turkey' (no pun intended).

I agree with some on here , who instead of just jumped to telling you to go cold turkey, (which doesn't always work for some and can make the problem worse if you do start drinking again) have asked you what the underlying problems are? To often people just seem to focus on the booze as the problem (including AA so I've heard from others-- not a big fan of AA in all honesty) and not really interested in the WHAT is making you use alcohol.

Also there is such a thing called HARM Reduction-- I encourage you to google HAMS. From what you wrote it doesn't sound like you're in the head space to give it all up (yet?) so then if you've admitted to yourself you may have an issue (bigger step than many others ever make) you can at least be more strategic about when and who you drink around. For example, if you are unsure how you will act around large groups of people when you drink maybe mentally prepare yourself for this and choose not to drink those times. It's kind of like the person on the diet who knows they have a BBQ coming up and prepared by eating something substantial ahead of time so they're not starving when they get there. They have mentally prepared themselves that they are not going to the gathering with the focus on eating steak and ribs but to have a good time with friends and family.

There is no such thing as perfection and 'better is better.' If abstinence is your goal all the power to you but forcing yourself to be abstinent if you're not ready can have the opposite effect. I do a lot of work in the mental health and addictions field so I've seen a few things.

You are a very brave woman and I really encourage you to check out HAMS.
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