Invalidation sucks!

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Invalidation sucks!

Postby bsfighter1 » Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:21 pm

Excuses, excuses, excuses DH makes for other people all the time when I try to express any frustration (unless he has a hang up about them).

Ones off the top of my head...

1. ExBIL and his tyrant ex-wife completely left me out of their wedding while including all of the other main family members (including the other bil snake wife she had known for all but a year) and DH, and also omitting the truth about what was really going on while I still naively thought we were on good terms. But DH ate up the excuses and said “because the bride just didn’t know you that well.” Ha! Yet after the wedding she acted as if she deservedmy friendship and we were now famiky or something. What changed in a week? And I’ve already posted several times on here how she turned out, proving me right about her all along.

2. Me telling DH that those women (stepmonster il, snake wife and tyrant wife) were up to no good and his brothers and father were not the people he thought they were. DH... *shrugs and sighs* “stop getting all worked up. Why do we always talk about my family?” Or “it’s just girl stuff” when he speaks about it to his brothers. Years later that ‘girls stuff’ has caused a permanent rift in the family, has impacted our marriage and family, and he finally realizes his father and brothers are actually not the loving people he thought they were. :roll:

3. When stepmonster il’s flying monkeys decided to make the il blowup their business and listen to her lies about me when it had nothing to do with them, they wasted no time in unfriending me on social media and making sure their kids did the same, although still having the nerve to keep DH as a Facebook ‘friend’ while posting nasty and passive aggressive posts most likely related to me for all the clan to see. DH... “well flying monkey is just being loyal to stepmonster il” as if her blind loyalty and uncalled for nastiness is a noble trait .

4. DH liking something on snake wife’s Facebook after I cut her off despite her being at the center of all the trouble and attacks on me. DH “well I just liked the picture. What’s the big deal in that?”

5. And today, even when it comes to strange neighbors who have deliberately invited all the other neighbourhood kids on the street to their son’s birthday and deliberately excluded my child out of pettiness, and can hardly look me in the eyes to say hello, yet today out of the blue requested that I dog sit for them because I have nothing better to do apparently... this came out of a conversation that DH had with the neighbor about their new dog, but somehow the only time they think of me is when they want something. Of course, DH can’t do it, but you know bsfighter has nothing better to do.

I expressed my frustration at DH at how these people don’t give a crap unless they want something. DH... “I can’t talk about this right now (doing whatever he can to shut me down though he had plenty of time to talk moments before). They can ask. No big deal. They WORK full time you know.” Uh, combined I do too and then some from home and office for an organization + starting up a business on the side + do most of the things for our kids including homework and taking them back and forth to lessons and friends + all the other things needed to do in a household. Many times I just collapse on my bed at night out of aching and pure exhaustion. But you know, I have nothing better to do than grab at $30 a week to dogsit for people who don’t care about excluding my son and can hardly make eye contact with me.


Phew... rant over. Thanks for reading. Invalidation sucks!
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby mamarama » Mon Mar 12, 2018 10:14 am

I don't have any advice, but I'm so annoyed for you! Very, very frustrating! The only thing I can say is that you point out to your H that many people work full time and still have the ability to behave like civilized adults. Working 40+ hours a week is no excuse to be an asshole.
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby jigglypuff » Mon Mar 12, 2018 11:28 am

At least my DH was smart enough to keep his mouth shut the majority of the time we got into an issue over the ILs. I think he tried his best keeping the beast within me by doing so. There were times I could tell he was afraid of dealing with my wrath and possibly pushing a divorce between us so he'd keep quiet. I can't imagine the frustration and hurt you feel when your H makes those delusional, insensitive comments.

At least you have validation with us because we know better. You seem to be surrounded by moochers and toxic types. I'm all too familiar with that myself. Hard finding decent, empathetic folk nowadays.

It's clear where your H's loyalty lies. The only thing that might wake him up is when the karma train rolls through and the ILs betray him. That's what really opened my DH's eyes. Before then, he barely gave two damns about what the ILs were putting me through. This is why I allowed them to trample him and didn't come to his defense. I left him to stand alone the same way he did me. He learned his lesson the hard way. Hopefully the same will happen with your H.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby bsfighter1 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 3:18 pm

mamarama wrote:I don't have any advice, but I'm so annoyed for you! Very, very frustrating! The only thing I can say is that you point out to your H that many people work full time and still have the ability to behave like civilized adults. Working 40+ hours a week is no excuse to be an asshole.


Thank you mamarama. I’m convinced more than ever that my H falls along the spectrum of narc pd. His side of the family are full of overt and covert narcs and apaths. My H is just very covert and subtle and p/a. He takes no responsibility for anything he contributes to problems and it always seems to be only about his feelings. Anything that goes wrong in our relationship is always my fault somehow. He always seems to have full justification for his behaviour. Recently I’ve felt more alone than ever because even my own family don’t truly seem to understand the underhanded narc things he does to trigger me, and when I blow up it’s all my fault because he’s so good at playing the total victim that people tend to point the finger at me. Over the past few days I’ve just been doing a lot of inner reflection and how I need to protect myself from him and even showingvtoo much vulnerability to my family who’ve always had a way of making me second guess myself. They did this when I was going through the torment with my ILs too and it was only when I left the ILs that they kind of understood what I’d gone through... and I say kind of on purpose.

I think H senses a shift in me and suddenly he’s gone from ultimate victim to being so attentive to me all of a sudden.
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby bsfighter1 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 3:21 pm

jigglypuff wrote:At least my DH was smart enough to keep his mouth shut the majority of the time we got into an issue over the ILs. I think he tried his best keeping the beast within me by doing so. There were times I could tell he was afraid of dealing with my wrath and possibly pushing a divorce between us so he'd keep quiet. I can't imagine the frustration and hurt you feel when your H makes those delusional, insensitive comments.

At least you have validation with us because we know better. You seem to be surrounded by moochers and toxic types. I'm all too familiar with that myself. Hard finding decent, empathetic folk nowadays.

It's clear where your H's loyalty lies. The only thing that might wake him up is when the karma train rolls through and the ILs betray him. That's what really opened my DH's eyes. Before then, he barely gave two damns about what the ILs were putting me through. This is why I allowed them to trample him and didn't come to his defense. I left him to stand alone the same way he did me. He learned his lesson the hard way. Hopefully the same will happen with your H.


Thanks Jiggy. The validation means a lot when sometimes you think you’re losing your mind and that you are the only problem for everything that goes wrong in H’s life, his family's life, and our kids life. I know this couldn’t be true and that I’ve been used as a scapegoat for issues that go way beyond me :(
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby Melody » Wed Mar 14, 2018 6:20 pm

Very annoyed for you too! Leaving your son out is particularly horrible.

And there is nothing worse then being told something like "you're too sensitive", "they meant well", "you're looking at this wrong",or "its not like that".

Recently there was a tagged facebook post of a group of moms out at dinner. When I looked at the dynamic I said to DH, "Hey! How come I wasn't invited?". He said, "Yea! I didn't want to say anything but I was wondering the same thing."

THAT IS WHAT YOUR PARTNER IS SUPPOSED TO DO!

Very sorry BSfighter (((Hugs!!))
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby bsfighter1 » Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:27 am

Melody, I’m so happy you have a partner who validates you in general. My partner’s invalidation is far reaching and many times it either makes me go crazy and triggers a fight or makes me start invalidating myself, like I’m insane for feeling that way or something... it’s very insidious. Another classic statement H uses over and over is “Why are you mad?” in a very accusatory tone. He’s not actually interested in knowing what’s behind the feeling in that statement, it’s just a way of shutting me down as if I’m insane for feeling anything other than constant approval of him— although he makes it clear when he doesn’t approve of me.

I think I received this same pattern of invalidation from my mother growing up and throughout life too (and at times my father too with his passive aggressive jokes about topics and people that had been very hurtful towards me). Recently she’s been a bit better but it was only after years of warring with her, and seeing what I was talking about for herself, that what I’m feeling and thinking is valid and to stop trying to shove it to the side. Of course, she’ll still be the first one to do this to me if it means people pleasing. No wonder I second guess my emotions so much. She said the weirdest thing the other day... “well many people would say you have 90% in your relationship. DH provides well, helps around the house and with the kids. It’s just the emotional part you’re missing.” When I told her that at times I’d rather give up some of the comforts and material things to get that emotional part, she agreed. Wth? So if the emotions are only worth 10% why would you give up most of the 90% that she ascribes such value to? Again, very subtle invalidation of my needs in a relationship.

I’ve been civil with H the past few days — he’s been way more attentive than usual. I think he knows something’s up. There are reasons I stay with him for now, but in order to survive I’ve had to disassociate somewhat with him, and the opinions of others, and turn my focus on my own inner reflection and my religious faith.
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby jigglypuff » Thu Mar 15, 2018 1:07 pm

Recently there was a tagged facebook post of a group of moms out at dinner. When I looked at the dynamic I said to DH, "Hey! How come I wasn't invited?". He said, "Yea! I didn't want to say anything but I was wondering the same thing."


What a bunch of pooheads. You're so funny and sweet, they're missing out. Those mean girls can have each other. You're better off.

Bsfighter, I totally understand where you're coming from. My mother does a lot of the same to me. DH can do no wrong in her eyes (she tends to favor men the way her mother did) and she would actually get mad at me if I had any reason to be upset at DH. Her mother did the same to her when it came to my dad yet she seems to have forgotten how crappy it made her feel and repeated this behavior towards me.

I simply don't listen to her. She can say and think whatever she likes, she isn't walking in my shoes. I remained married only because DH changed and now realizes his mistakes. He went NC with the ILs along with me and that is why I didn't leave him. Other than the IL issue, he's terrific but not having your partner's back is in fact a dealbreaker. That is a form of betrayal in a marriage that has lasting consequences. I think that's what most people fail to realize.

I think you need to block out the toxic people who are talking to you about this issue. They don't know any better and can't do any better so how are they going to be any help? Only you know what's best for you. If you're not happy, then you're not happy and that's okay. You have every right to feel as you do. It's also expected after all you're going through. Anyone in your position would feel the same whether they will admit it or not.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby Melody » Fri Mar 16, 2018 9:32 am

@Jigglypuff, that's very kind of you, thank you. These actually aren't mean girls, in fact two invited my whole large family to much more private events in their homes shortly after. Everyone in this group is pretty busy (heavy jobs, and others with four kids), and heck, maybe they made plans during some kids' activity that mine doesn't do. The woman I suspect spearheaded this outing's son and my YDS are NOT close. However, she HAS used me as an emergency contact and her son has stayed with us during early school closings. And not that she knew this, but my older son WORKS at the restaurant she chose! I don't necessarily think it was anything personal, but I am a little annoyed.

But my point was, when I went "What the heck?" (not even a WTF?) and had a minor attack of insecurity, my DH EMPATHIZED and listened. But unless you're doing something really off kilter, "its NOT THEM its YOU" crap is a form of bullying and borderline abuse. Spouses are supposed to support each other.

I've pointed out to DH (and he seems to finally be listening) that his father does this with stepmonster to an absolute fault, and THAT'S the lesson he needs to learn from them. BSfighter - we have so many parellels maybe the same is true for you.

"DH, your father supports step-pscho to an absolute fault, no matter WHAT she does! I've been nothing but a stable force. Why won't you do the same for me?" That and pointing out that step-psycho gets away with more because THEY ARE A UNITED FRONT. You're just trying to live life, but DH needs to do the same for YOU!
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby bsfighter1 » Fri Mar 16, 2018 5:00 pm

@Jiggy- I’ve stayed with DuH only because at the end of the day he did finally stand by me when it came to the ILs, although a wonky stance because he still made it seem like the problem stemmed from me with his family, thus allowing the ILs to continue to use me as a scapegoat for their family dysfunction. Still, he did validate my stance on the ILs somewhat in the end. You are right about people who don’t understand and not sharing too much with them. I’ve been a complete open book with my mother and sister over the years and I notice that neither of them share that level of vulnerability with me. and the times I do ask they might share snippets or my classic response by Mom, “oh I’m okay. Nothing much going on. Same old.” :roll: then she gets upset when I discuss my problems with her too much because supposedly I don’t care. Well, I can’t very well mind read if she doesn’t respond when I ask. I’ve recently realized that although I love my sister and mother I need to be more mindful of how much of my heart I share with them. My sister’s very recent ‘black and white’ attitude towards ongoing issues between DuH and I, and her lack of transparency just gave me pause. Of course DuH wasted no time to use her words against me even if it meant causing a rift between us. Maybe it’s better to know where you truly stand with someone though.

@Melody- glad they aren’t mean girls and I totally get what you mean by empathy. DuH comes a clan of apaths and narcs, so I know I’m not dealing with the most empathic person. Sometimes he’ll listen more than other times. Yup, exfil and stepmonster il are a total united front to the point where he’ll blatantly lie for her, and the lies are just so blatantly ridiculous it’s almost funny he thinks we’d fall for it. Sometimes I wonder if DuH is trying to overcompensate for his father by being so contrary to me? Not too smart.
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Re: Invalidation sucks!

Postby WatchingMyBack » Mon Apr 16, 2018 5:25 pm

Dog sit for people who expressly excluded your son from a neighborhood party? No way on Earth. I would have told DH, I am NOT doing it whether you like it or not. They hurt our child and I will NOT ever do them a favor in payment for that. The dog sitting will soon be forgotten, if it is even acknowledged at all. The hurt to you son will NEVER be forgotten.

That happened to my ODS when he was a child and he never forgot and neither did I. After that, I was DONE with my neighbors. They really didn't care, but they definitely understood from that moment on, there was a gigantic shift in the tectonic plates of our street.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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