My father died

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My father died

Postby miwako » Fri Mar 30, 2018 9:03 pm

I got a call this afternoon from a cousin on my mom's side that my dad passed away. I hadn't seen him since 2002 when the blow up with my mom forced me to move out and I never went back.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I didn't have much of a relationship with him even before I left, and the last few years I lived at home he was rarely sober. He was the one who threatened my husband when we were still dating. He told me he felt sorry for whoever I marry. He always sided with my mom, no matter what crazy nonsense she was on about. And yet, I still feel like my mom's narcissism was the real problem, and probably why he was always either drunk or "napping."

I'm definitely not going to any sort of service. I haven't had any contact with anyone out there in 15 years, and the last person I want to see is my mom. I don't even want to think about how crazy she'll be. There's her normal level of narcissism, plus the understandable emotional turmoil that comes when someone dies, plus the theatrics she'll feel entitled to perform. Did I mention she has a bad relationship with my dad's family too? I don't need that.
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Re: My father died

Postby jigglypuff » Fri Mar 30, 2018 11:16 pm

I'm so sorry Miwako *hug*

I wish things with your dad had been different. I understand how you feel on many levels. I got along well with my dad but he was my mother's enabler and that left me angry at him at times. Those moments still resurface in my dreams even all these years later. I also believe my dad would have been better off had he not stayed with my mom. I think he and I would have been even closer than we were.

I'm sure your mother would put on a huge show for everyone if you were to show up. Best you don't. Again, I'm very sorry.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: My father died

Postby Melody » Sat Mar 31, 2018 8:56 am

So sorry Miwako!

And for whatever its worth, I empathize and understand that your loss entails a lot of unresolved issues.

I know most posters will support you with not going to any services, but I'm suggesting (and ONLY suggesting) that you CONSIDER going to the wake (if that's what your family does - and NOT the actual funeral). I have no doubt from your story that your mom will be putting on an academy award winning performance, and will hardly notice you're there. However, it COULD be good for your own sanity and feeling of closure.

My mom died over 30 years ago. It was a closed casket funeral - and since we were underage we were not allowed to see the photos, let alone the police investigation. Yet on occasion my lovely sister (I'm lucky :) OR I will call each other about a dream we had the night before that we saw Mom laying on an exotic beach sipping a Margarita - just having left without a trail.
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Re: My father died

Postby miwako » Sun Apr 01, 2018 5:41 pm

Thanks guys.

I appreciate the input, but I still think not going is the best. I haven't seen any of the family in 15 years, and I fear that if I went it would be about me, and I don't want that. Plus they live 2000 miles away and it would cost far more than I want to spend to spend time with crazy people. Also, I honestly have no idea if there even will be a service. I was told my mom was planning on cremation and spreading the ashes at his favorite fishing spot, but knowing her, she'll put his ashes in a closet and do nothing for 10 years.
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Re: My father died

Postby Hiddenjem » Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:04 pm

Miwako,

Sorry for the delay. I loaned my iPad to my college student offspring and went out of town.

I can understand why you feel the way you do.

Odd isn't that in our birth families that the loss isn't a loss. The loss is what could of been verses the reality of how things are and were.

I wouldn't go to the funeral in your place either.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: My father died

Postby miwako » Wed Apr 04, 2018 10:38 am

Thanks. You're right, the loss of what was really there happened a long time ago. The loss we feel is the sense that things could have been better.
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Re: My father died

Postby WatchingMyBack » Mon Apr 16, 2018 5:10 pm

Miwako, my condolences on your loss. I understand your feelings, as I had felt that I had lost my father a very long time before his actual death. He had made a half-hearted effort the last years of his life, and I supposed that was enough closure that we both needed. Due to a scheduled surgery, I wasn't able to attend his funeral, which turned out to be a blessing (evidently my DB was off the wall emotional and caused a lot of drama, or my DSis decided to portray things that way. At any rate, my DSis said most people didn't have even a clue that DF HAD any biological children, so it was just a weird day for them all around). I am not sad or regretful for his loss or for missing that day.

If someone used to ask me if my father was still alive, I used to have to think about it for a minute. At least now I can say "no". And we've never heard a peep from his widow, nor any attorney about the supposed 20 acres he left us in Redneckia, Alabama. At least that is one burden I didn't have to shoulder (and pay taxes on and have to dither over unloading).
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: My father died

Postby mamarama » Tue Apr 17, 2018 5:12 pm

Miwako, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I've often thought about how I would handle it when one of my estranged parents dies. I've thought about it over and over again. I don't think I would go either, because I mourned the loss of my parents 9 years ago when I had to cut them off. I've already gone through the bereavement/grief cycle. I guess that when the estranged person dies, the only thing that really dies is the hope that one day they will change their ways. :(
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Re: My father died

Postby miwako » Sat Apr 28, 2018 8:14 am

Thank you both. I was thinking back on the last time I was around my mom when a family member died. My mother's siblings are considerably older than her, and one of them had a teenage granddaughter. She was in an accident and died, but my mother refused to go to her funeral because her brother hadn't contacted her personally to tell her. Other family members had talked to her about it, it was reported on the local news, but none of that was good enough. She got a card in the mail sometime after from him that mentioned it, and she replied "Oh, what terrible news!" and said to me "Because it is news to me, since he didn't tell me!" I'd hate to see what she's like now!
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Re: My father died

Postby Melody » Sat Apr 28, 2018 8:52 am

Are you f'n kidding me? WOW!!! :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

Probably the WORST moment of his life, an unfathomable tragedy, and your mother BITCHES that he didn't run to call her! Sorry, but WHAT A HORRIBLE WOMAN!
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Re: My father died

Postby miwako » Sat Apr 28, 2018 1:42 pm

Yeah, that was my assessment too! I could understand if she decided not to attend because they had a rocky relationship and didn't want to cause drama. In that case just send a card and be done.
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Re: My father died

Postby JeanLouiseFinch » Sun Apr 29, 2018 11:30 am

I am sorry about your truly missed opportunities to have a decent father-daughter relationship. It sounds like he checked out from making any effort a long time ago, though. My husband's father was like that, and eventually ended up needing to be committed to a mental hospital. My husband says that for him, that was when his father died, although he lived for many years thereafter.

If you feel that you need to go to a funeral, then perhaps you should go, but if it was me, I would avoid contact with your mother because she might use this as an opportunity to try and abuse your. It's my belief that funerals are for the survivors, not for the deceased. If you have any relatives who would appreciate a condolence visit, then you might be better off doing that, or taking one or more out for lunch.
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Re: My father died

Postby mamarama » Tue May 01, 2018 10:34 am

Miwako, I cannot believe your mother was so petty and self-righteous!!! Yeah, in their moment of unfathomable suffering, she resents them for not telling her personally. Way to make someone else’s suffering all about her! I’m disgusted.

I would suggest that you in no way acknowledge it to her or send condolences because she didn’t try to notify you herself but that’s just such a horrible thing to do and is so beneath who you are. Though I have to say that if I ever need lessons in how to be a heartless demon, I’ll look her up. I would just try to avoid the drama as much as possible. And you KNOW she’ll stir up drama about THIS.

Has a service been scheduled yet? It’s been a month.
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Re: My father died

Postby miwako » Tue May 01, 2018 7:37 pm

If they did, no one has told me. I'm okay with that, I'm so far removed from my FOO that keeping up on anything they're doing just feels like Facebook stalking.
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