Had to Make a Change

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WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 211
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Had to Make a Change

Post by WhyOhWhy » Wed Sep 05, 2018 5:14 pm

I have been doing soul searching. I am not the person I have wanted to be. I am filled with anger, bitterness, etc regarding my in-laws. Don't get me wrong, they are horrible people, but I always thought I was better than to stoop to their level. I guess I have fallen far short of where I wanted to be...of WHO I wanted to be as a person.

I have taunted my in-laws relentlessly whenever I thought they might hear about it. I should have taken the high road. I need to work on this intense anger that I have, or it will eat me alive (again). I had been doing better, but I've slipped back into patterns that I thought I had worked through and gotten past.

I didn't start the fire (with my in-laws), but I've always been happy to stoke it in revenge for all they've done to me. I need this to STOP. As of today, I want to start making changes. Being a better person. Being a different person. I should still be able to have friends who "get it" around me without feeling I have to be the most vindictive person in the things that I say.

Can you all forgive me for charging after my in-laws with unbridled vengeance in the past? Can you all forgive me for some exaggerations over the years spoken out of frustration? I want to be a different kind of community member: one who continues to support my fellow daughter-in-laws, but not one who uses every spare moment to unleash my intense anger for the people who have done such wrong to my life, my husband's life, and the lives of our children.

Please forgive me, and please allow me to start fresh with a new outlook, new persona, new approach, and hopefully less burning and smiting. I need this community, and I feel I contribute my own friendship regularly. I guess I need to check my intense anger at the door more often.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

miwako
Nuclear
Posts: 1093
Joined: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:11 am

Re: Had to Make a Change

Post by miwako » Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:15 pm

Intense anger and vindictiveness is something I've struggled with as well. I have been "taking the high road" and not sinking to FIL's level, but I've still felt bad about it. I feel like doing that has been giving him tacit approval all these years. I know that escalating things and fighting will only make things worse, but I still selfishly just want to get that one good hit in. There's probably a balance to find, but I'm not there yet.

rubycrownedkinglet
Nuclear
Posts: 2008
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:20 am

Re: Had to Make a Change

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Sun Sep 23, 2018 10:08 am

WhyOhWhy wrote:I have been doing soul searching. I am not the person I have wanted to be. I am filled with anger, bitterness, etc regarding my in-laws. Don't get me wrong, they are horrible people, but I always thought I was better than to stoop to their level
WhyOhWhy wrote:I didn't start the fire (with my in-laws), but I've always been happy to stoke it in revenge for all they've done to me. I need this to STOP.
miwako wrote:Intense anger and vindictiveness is something I've struggled with as well.
Me too about all of those things. I've also been doing some soul searching and I have gone back and read some of my old posts. While I am soooo much less bitter than I was at first, I still carry much of the anger, simmering beneath the surface, and it can pop out at unexpected moments. I hardly write in my journal anymore after 12000+ pages in the first few years after WW-IL. It makes me remember too vividly the feelings the whole debacle caused.

Crap on a cracker, it's been 7 years since FIL died and the worst of it started and ended a couple months later. I've found, much to my disappointment, that I've felt a certain enjoyment pondering the events and making fun of the ILs. Obviously, I'm getting some kind of satisfaction from the constant re-telling of the same events that weren't even that bad compared to some stories on this site.

I tried so hard to get past it at first but after all this time I think maybe I am past it. I remember it and it still bothers me, but it doesn't keep me up at night or affect decisions I make or relationships in my life. It's just there like a small, unnoticeable stain on a favorite shirt that no one else would ever see. You still wear it, despite the stain, yet the shirt is less favorite than it was before.

Maybe my struggle is that I feel that I share more culpability in my problems with the ESIBs than I want to admit. Did the words or tone I used with them incite them to say the things they did? Was I being condescending? Patronizing? Maybe. Looking back and reading some of my old posts here makes me think, yes. I didn't see it at the time, but now it seems true. It doesn't excuse the ESIBs behavior, but maybe I can accept my part so that I can forgive myself. I already mentioned this to DH years ago and he said he didn't blame me, but am I hanging on to it all because I still blame myself?

I've decided to work on being much more aware of what I say so that I can avoid being condescending or patronizing. I have a number of new relationships in my life since we have moved halfway across the country and I want to be a person who will enjoy more new friends and not accidentally alienate people.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
Posts: 211
Joined: Tue Sep 04, 2018 7:25 pm

Re: Had to Make a Change

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Oct 08, 2018 11:53 am

Ruby, I so appreciate what you wrote. I can relate to many things you said. Did I do things to purposely irritate over the years? You bet I did. Is it a good enough excuse that it was retaliation? I am not so sure about that. It doesn't make me any better than they are that I found moments to upset them. I'm no saint. I know I never will be, but some of the more openly antagonizing things I did definitely fell under a contributory category, if that makes sense. I've also read old journal entries, and I also know I've made progress in some areas and in others not so much. That's why I needed to check myself. I'll never be a saint, but I do definitely need to step off the ledge a bit if I'm ever to find healing for myself (I couldn't give a crap about them. They've made their beds and will have to lie in them). I am only responsible for myself, and I guess I realized I was becoming more like them than I ever wanted to be. Time to reclaim the part of me they worked so hard to destroy. Yes, I ALLOWED them to destroy that part of me. I fell into the trap of being antagonized into action. Shame on me for that part, I guess is what I'm saying. I can do better, and I must for my own peace of mind and healing.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

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