Married 5 months, and I resent my husband. :(

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rdavis3
Annoyed
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Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:42 am

Married 5 months, and I resent my husband. :(

Post by rdavis3 » Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:51 pm

I feel like this is the best forum to voice my issues, because I have found most of your posts/answers to my own topics to be so helpful.

Their is no other way to say it, then to just say it. I resent my husband and I'm not "in love" anymore. To make a very long story, semi short---I have a baby last February. We had our marriage planned for June. 8 weeks out, I still wasn't feeling my best. I didn't look the way I wanted. The goals I set for myself were not obtainable before I had to do my last dress fitting and I needed alterations, which killed my self esteem. My mom was complaining all the time about how expensive the wedding was becoming. I wanted to scale it down a bit. My DH was totally against this. I then said, "Maybe we can push the wedding back a few months." This was in no way me having "cold feet". This was me trying to ensure that all the money that was being spent wasn't going to waste, because a wedding/reception is only a few hours, but feelings can last for a lifetime. We ended up getting married in June.

His aunt showed up 30 minutes late and held up the entire ceremony because she was DRUNK. His dad acted the fool to a degree. Some of his family members didn't even talk to me. It was just ridiculous. The wedding came and went and I was fine for a bit...and then I saw my wedding photos. I was immediately unhappy. I have not been able to let these feelings go since. My "dream" wedding means nothing to me. Everyone gushes about how wonderful it was....but ME. I wont print the pictures out. I've started taking my ring off for weeks at a time. I'm so mad at my husband for not listening to me. His family ruined things. My husband ruined things. It's just overall a mess. And of course, he didn't call any of his family members out for being complete asses. Per usual.

This resentment wont go away. I'm so upset. It's been 5 months and now all of a sudden I can't stand him. Our intimate life is non-existent. And it's all based on the resentment I have. I don't know what to do. Even when I think I can get past it, I always end up back in the same spot. Any similar situations?

jigglypuff
Nuclear
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Joined: Mon Nov 21, 2011 6:32 am

Re: Married 5 months, and I resent my husband. :(

Post by jigglypuff » Tue Nov 27, 2018 11:10 pm

I was going to have a small wedding party but the ILs ruined that for me so I cancelled it. ESIL tried to ruin my engagement so I understand how these memories are tainted for you now. My DH didn't listen to me back then either. It was hard.

I think your wounds are too fresh and you are dealing with a lot right now. How you feel is normal.

I understand the resentment but in my case, I didn't experience the I'm not "in love" feeling. Although I can see how that can happen. You can find that again but you and your DH are going to have to make some changes.

First step would be to voice your feelings to your DH. He needs to know where you stand and why you feel the way you do. Hopefully he hears you out and acts on it. He needs to start putting forth more of an effort to protect his new family and marriage from his toxic relatives.

Have you considered counseling? If you can do it, I think it would be worth a shot. Some members here have gotten positive results from it and found it helpful. Especially when it came to opening their DH's eyes to the evil ILs.

I think you are being too hard on yourself about your wedding pictures. I'm sure you looked lovely. We don't view ourselves as others do and are our own worst enemy. You need to be easier on yourself, giving birth is not easy on a woman's body. We women need to be kinder and more forgiving to our post baby bodies. That is a process. Like I said before, you're dealing with a lot of stress and that is going to hinder your process. When your stress is eased, you will find getting your pre-baby body back much easier to accomplish. You need to work on your emotional health first and then everything will begin to fall into place.

I think the reason you can't get past the resentment is because you're still living with the same problems. What has improved? Best thing you can do for yourself is keep away from the ILs at all costs. These people are eating away at your soul, don't let them. Don't bless them with your presence and time.

Write things down, vent them out. You need to find ways to channel your anger and sadness. If you need to simply post on here to vent, do it.

Remember, we are here to support you. We got your back and we'll help you get through this. I would strongly suggest the counseling and reading books on toxic ILs. The one by Susan Forward is great. I wish I had read that book before having the displeasure of dealing with my narcissistic ILs.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

Melody
Nuclear
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Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Married 5 months, and I resent my husband. :(

Post by Melody » Wed Nov 28, 2018 10:44 am

I'm seconding the vote for counseling. Please find someone good who you are comfortable with. (My hubs found a lovely older woman who I ended up finding fantastic. She was quite helpful) Also (and PLEASE do not be offended and I'm trying to help not be an ahole) you might have an added factor of having postpartum depression. I have a friend - a nurse - that suffered from it for two years!


Your ILs ARE aholes! There is no doubt there. The trick is to have you and DH work as a TEAM. And if you can't work as a team, then you might have discuss the next steps.

So sorry! I know this is rough. But you owe it to your child to get through this. Hugs and keep posting!

rdavis3
Annoyed
Posts: 23
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:42 am

Re: Married 5 months, and I resent my husband. :(

Post by rdavis3 » Wed Nov 28, 2018 12:02 pm

Thank you both so much!

I'm going to look into the PPD. Sometimes I will literally think to myself how stupid these little trivial things are to be upset about--but they bother me soo much! Granted, it's not just the wedding or the IL"s that I cannot stand--but my husband at times can just be an idiot, act like he's 12 and make me wanna pull my hair out. Since I'm home all day with a baby, I don't want to take care of another child at night. He lies about dumb things, and I'm not sure if it's to keep the peace or whatever, but I find it frustrating--and very unfair to me. I am seeing a therapist and we are both in couples counseling which we find helpful. Ive thrown the word divorce out there so many times, that I think my husband thinks its a joke at this point. And I'm like dead serious when I say it...I guess I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

GirlMomX2
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Re: Married 5 months, and I resent my husband. :(

Post by GirlMomX2 » Tue Jan 22, 2019 2:03 pm

So sorry that you feel that way about your wedding. I think everyone looks back on a big day like that and wishes they could do things differently. A woman never feels more unattractive than after birth (in my experience anyway). Its still our body but its not and we haven't adjusted yet. It took me almost 2 years with my first one to feel comfortable in my own skin again (not to be discouraging, just my experience). There isn't really anything anyone can say to make you feel better about it either, until your heart accepts that you are beautiful.

Some of the best advice I ever heard was from an older lady. She was talking to me about a major life change I was considering after the death of a loved one but I think it fits. She said, "When your life is turned upside down, wait six months before making any life altering decisions." The birth of a child and a new marriage certainly counts as your life turning upside down.

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