Using emergencies to try and worm their way back in.

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foxmanb
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Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2007 7:30 am

Using emergencies to try and worm their way back in.

Post by foxmanb » Mon Mar 04, 2019 2:25 pm

Recently a great aunt died on my side of the fam (so not Inlaw related)... She was an amazing woman. A cousin who we are still in contact with let me know not long after she entered the hospital, and I was able to go visit her in the hospital a little over a week ago while she was still coherent, got to talk to her for a couple hours, I got to thank her for being so good to me over the years and tell her that I loved her one last time. Unfortunately I could also see that this was going to bring a round of my FOO trying to contact me.

Sure enough, my nDM sends me a text Friday night that she's not doing well, blah blah blah, mind you she had known for a couple weeks, and bothered to tell me until a couple days before she died, basically leaving me with no time to go see her, or so she thought.... I deleted the text, because after what they have done, any attempted comms with us should begin with an apology for their behavior.... My GA passed on Sunday... Which brings about a text from my brother, again no apology, just telling me that she passed, thankfully I'd heard from GA's daughter letting me know that she had passed about 40 min before not so DB bothered to contact me.

It's almost amusing how they try to use tragedy to worm their way back in and have some form of normal contact WITHOUT having to apologize for their past behavior. You can count on it like clockwork. Why is it so hard for some people to be accountable for their actions?!

rubycrownedkinglet
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Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:20 am

Re: Using emergencies to try and worm their way back in.

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Fri Mar 08, 2019 2:43 pm

Foxmanb, I'm so sorry about your DGA. In some family groups, be they FOO or ILs, there are too few good ones and it seems she was one.

I understand why those who are cut off think that a family emergency might trump all former cutoffs, but the lengths that they will go to make anything qualify as an emergency is epic. Dead cousin that none of them had seen in 25 years? Yep, take a week off to travel to the funeral. Not. I think they see it as a ploy to get out of any apologies or efforts to make things right. It's an invitation to a rug sweep. Forgive and forget because we are faaaamily.

We experienced emergency exploitation among our other ILs as well. EBIL was the worst offender. He took great personal pride in being the one in the family to contact us when someone was sick, or in the hospital, or had died. With no education and little people skills, very little common sense and zero empathy, it was one thing he learned that was generally appreciated. It made him feel very important. The problem with EBIL was that he took his "responsibility" to the next (narc) level. It became his job to coerce us to drop whatever we were doing to rush to Redneckia to sit vigil or pay tribute or whatever he thought our responsibility was. We were to comply, or else.

One example: EBIL left a message that DH should call his DM right away and he didn't. EBIL called back in a rage that DH had made it appear that EBIL had not called DH, making him look like a liar. DH was setting him up to look bad, a very serious, very personal attack. Never mind that DH was simply at work and had to call later. The MIL 'emergency' was a dizzy spell. DH was an Air Traffic Controller and couldn't tell Delta 1206 to hold while he called his mommy. He couldn't even check messages while he was working. EBIL's fury was so palpable and so ridiculous that it was obvious he had a serious problem. I think it wasn't just that he wanted to control us, he wanted to get credit from the PILs for being able to control us.

The last time he contacted us directly, it was a year after we cut him off. He texted DH that the afore-mentioned cousin had died. He got no response. You could imagine the wheels turning. If he couldn't get DH to respond, he couldn't even be sure DH got the message. Time went by. He repeated the message, then added that he "apologized for all previous events". This from a man who couldn't spell apologize, so obviously not his own words, or a true sentiment. Then, a couple hours later, his third try was "we love you-text back now."
The chorus of crickets was all he got. DH changed his cell number the next day.

The only other emergency was three years later. EBIL contacted our local police to notify us that ESIL, his sister, had died. I politely thanked the police officer at the door, but we didn't contact EBIL in response. I guess he finally got the message that there was no emergency big enough for us to end the cutoff, and that even dramatic tactics wouldn't work.

Stick to your guns, foxmanb.

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