Should I be bothered?

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WatchingMyBack
Nuclear
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Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:14 pm
Location: New York State

Should I be bothered?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Tue May 21, 2019 5:53 pm

Hi all ! Life has been busy now that we live near our grandson, and we've been dealing with problems with BPD DD.

I need your opinions and thoughts.

We moved to an active adult 55+ community a year ago January in a southern state to be near GS. It has actually been pretty nice in terms of making a lot of fun new friends and having a lot of activities to participate in. Sometimes it's almost too much because DH and I were pretty much just took care of PIL and worked all the time, and after PIL passed away, it was just work.

We made fast friends with one couple and they were constantly inviting us to do things with them, which we always accepted. There is a neighbor couple 2 doors down from me that I asked our friends if we could include because they didn't seem to socialize much. Our friends welcomed them and we all started doing things together.

In December our DD was very ill and in the ICU for a week. After that we were dealing with some very serious issues and it has been a difficult situation for DH and myself, and very time consuming.

In addition, DH and I socialize with other people in our community who share our religion. This is not the same religion as our friends or our 2 doors down neighbors, nor most of the neighbors in the surrounding homes. We do other things with those people, and do go out to dinner or have them over.

Neither our fast friends nor our 2 doors down neighbors were very supportive of the problems we were having with DD. We also got the feeling that they REALLY resented that we socialized with other people in the community and had friends OTHER THAN THEM. They stopped inviting us to do anything and essentially replaced us with 2 doors down neighbors, who don't have many other friends and didn't socialize with anybody else outside of a few limited activities (that they only participated in if fast friends were with them).

It has become very awkward with fast friends and even more so with 2 doors down neighbor. The straw that broke the camel's back for me today was today was "ladies day out", with a group of us going to lunch and then to the movies. Fast friend and 2 doors down neighbor were riding together and offered me a ride. Fast friend's car is small and I'd be squished in the backseat, so I said I'd drive myself. After the movie, I offered 2 doors down neighbor a ride and she DECLINED and said she was riding with Fast Friend. I was really taken aback by that, since Fast Friend would have to go out of her way to drive 2 Doors Down home, as opposed to her riding with me and being right there. It bothered me a lot.

Fast Friend texted and asked if we had plans Saturday, and we already did. This is the first time in a long time she's asked, so I figured 2 Doors Down was going out of town, and sure enough, at lunch I asked if she was going to be gone and she is for the next week.

I really don't like being the Red Headed Stepchild in this "friendship" and feel that I need to let both of these friends devolve into being just friendly and social, but not "friends" per se. I've been okay for a longggg time without a "best friend" and really don't need one. Fast Friend is extremely fond of DH, so I can't even B*tch to her about him :lol: I know that Fast Friend and 2 Doors Down has a lot in common that they don't have with me (I don't like to go shopping or wandering around stores like Hobby Lobby or the Outlet mall). I'm glad they have each other, but I don't like the way they've treated me.

Am I overreacting (of course, as DH says) or am I justified in feeling marginalized? (I brought up feelings of how the inlaws made me feel, which is what brought me here today(
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

blue iris
Fuming
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Location: Illinois

Re: Should I be bothered?

Post by blue iris » Wed May 22, 2019 10:56 am

Hi, WMB! I think I have been in a similar situation. When we moved to a 55+ active adult community, we found similar dynamics. My DH was still working and involved with friends at work. But I was on my own. There seemed to be cliques in the community, even when I joined groups that were supposed to get lots of women together. There was even some of the grade school type mean girls thing! If you talked to so and so, the others wouldn't let you sit with them for coffee. I eventually stuck to my church friends group, which were not part of the 55+ community. We moved away after several years, and while that kind of community is great for some, I found I prefer living in a neighborhood of mixed ages. I actually missed hearing the school bus brakes! LOL As for the neighbor not accepting your offer of a ride, I would just let it go this time. See how things shake out in the future, because sometimes friendship lasts for years and sometimes it just runs its course. And sometimes it evolves into a different form, which may be what is happening.

jigglypuff
Nuclear
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Re: Should I be bothered?

Post by jigglypuff » Mon Jun 17, 2019 9:27 am

I think your feelings are justified but I'm wondering if these two friends have any clue about how they're making you feel. They probably don't realize that their friendship and behavior are having an impact on you. Sometimes people can be clueless like that. So I don't think you should hold it against them but I also don't think you should consider them close friends. Seems typical of friendships today, coming and going like the wind.

Friendships are hard, especially for women. We just operate differently than men. I wish I could find more female friends but the truth is, I have a hard time finding people I have common interests with. I haven't had a super close best friend since my twenties and it turned out she was a narcissist so that failed miserably. And then there are those Blue Iris mentioned, the cliques. I just have no interest in being apart of all that highschool pettiness. So my hermit self remains alone and at peace.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'

WatchingMyBack
Nuclear
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Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:14 pm
Location: New York State

Re: Should I be bothered?

Post by WatchingMyBack » Mon Jun 17, 2019 11:41 am

So well said. I appreciate it. It has been feeling like High School pettiness and I'm just going to let it go. I'll always be an introvert and really don't need the call-me-every-day, lets-go-do-something dynamic that others seem to. My last real best friend was in my 20's. I tried to reconnect with her just before I moved. She never had children and her interests are golf and tennis, and being part of her active adult community. The reconnect fizzled fast and I just let it go.

My best friend is DH, and most of the time he's not very nice or pleasant to be around (he has turned into MIL). I'm becoming expert at 5 different types of Solitaire and have read everybook in the local library :lol:
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”

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