Not Sure How To Feel

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Not Sure How To Feel

Postby Yacky » Sat Oct 07, 2017 12:29 pm

Edit: I had written about how my FIL was recently diagnosed with throat cancer. Apparently, according to scans, it is isolated to the tonsils and a couple of lumps in the surrounding gland.

I am relieved that the man is not going to suffer (probably), and that his cancer may be treatable. I am still upset for my husband, who still has such conflicting emotions about his own father. This "lighter prognosis" seems like an opportunity for FIL to apologize to DH and make things (somewhat) OK with him (naturally, the apology has to be followed by a change in behavior), but I really don't see that happening.

So, I'm back to having mixed emotions about this whole thing.

p.s. I've written before about how my FIL is a heavy drinker. According to an oncologist friend of mine, alcohol abuse is one of the leading causes of cancer in the tonsils. Not surprised.
Last edited by Yacky on Tue Oct 10, 2017 7:37 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Sat Oct 07, 2017 1:57 pm

Yacky wrote:I'm struggling with these emotions. Am I a horrible person for having felt a twinge of relief at the idea that this man might finally depart?

I remember the day I found out MIL died and the morning we were told about FIL's death. I felt relief both times. They had both had stints in the hospital (a week for MIL and a month for FIL) and were not comfortable or happy. They had both ignored and criticized any semblance of a healthy lifestyle and made fun of DH and I for trying to make good choices.

I had a relationship with each of them and while they were not horrible to me at all, they didn't care for me and they indulged DH by being barely more than civil to me. FIL didn't trust either of us and by deeds, not words proved he favored his bio children over DH.

When FIL was having an angioplasty done about two weeks before he died, I remember feeling guilty for wishing he would just die instead of lingering on in the hospital. He did clinically die, but he had not signed a DNR and the Dr. had to resuscitate him. It was after that when all the really bad things happened between ESIL, EBIL and us. If he had died on that day, it would have been so much easier for everyone.

Do I feel badly about feeling that way? Not now, but I did then. You can't help the way you feel, Yacky. If your FIL had been genuinely loving towards you, you'd feel horrible for him. That's not on you.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby Photomama16 » Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:26 pm

Your feelings are yours, and with the way the in-laws have treated you, they are valid. That doesn’t even bring the dynamic between them and your DH into it. He has a lot of unresolved feelings toward his dad, and the situation with my DH and his mom was very similar.

When my DH’s mom passed (we weren’t married yet, but it was in the plans) I hated to see him in pain, but I was secretly singing the “witch” song from Wizard of Oz in my head. My DH’s parents were awful to me and absolutely toxic and abusive to him. It didn’t take very long for him to not miss her, and to stop dragging off to the cemetery nonstop because according to the other family members he “had to grieve and pay his respects!” I loathed those trips.

Do what you can to support your DH, love him through it, and don’t let him proverbially “crawl into the grave” if his dad does pass away. The rest of DH’s family did, and a couple of them still do..even though the woman was mean as a snake to all of them.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby Melody » Sat Oct 07, 2017 4:39 pm

I'd be relieved too. No way are you a bad person for that. Although try not to get too giddy about it.

And besides, take what they are telling you with a grain of salt. DH's father had an "emergency meeting" with him and his BIL regarding monster in law. He told them she had throat cancer which turned out to be a complete lie, or 'something". (probably the steam coming out of her mouth from the incessant yapping).

B*tch was charged with three felonies - I couldn't have been more excited when my sister told me she could spend 7 to 8 years in prison. But that didn't happen.

My ex-FIL was also supposedly given "three years to live" - he's still kicking and its been 20.

So yes, support DH in any way you can. You owe these other people NOTHING - and that includes any emotional energy. I agree with photomania that your DH has unresolved feelings, but also unresolved issues. Suggest he sees a counselor so that he can work towards peach for himself. He did more than try and nothing came of it. Although I would suggest he goes to see him sooner rather than later - just in case - and to help with closure. The funeral isn't nearly as important.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby momjeans » Sun Oct 08, 2017 10:19 am

You’re absolutely not a horrible person for having these twinges of relief. In your position, which is very similar to mine, I’d imagine I would feel the same way.
Not my family. Not my flying monkeys.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby merlina » Sun Oct 08, 2017 12:26 pm

You feel what you feel- and that's based on past experience. Don't be hard on yourself because no one can police their own emotions. You can support your partner through this but that's about as far as it goes.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby Yacky » Tue Oct 10, 2017 7:34 am

I've edited and updated this post to include the new info, rather than trying to start a new thread. Also, I realize that I probably should have originally posted that although I have conflicting feelings, I don't want to see my FIL suffer. I wouldn't wish throat cancer on my worst enemy, even this miserable cuss.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby bsfighter1 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 2:13 pm

Mixed emotions can be so confusing. Wouldn't it just be easier if everyone just got along and treated each other with respect and kindness? Then we could feel genuine concern and sadness for those around us (including the ILs) in their time of need.

Yet life often isn't that simple.

You sound like you have a good heart, so naturally, no one with a good heart would be happy to see anyone suffering, even their worst enemy. That said, relief that an enemy is no longer around seems very natural. When my ILs finally depart (knowing my luck they'll live on forever) I will be very relieved. Even though they are no longer an active part of my life, all the pain and suffering they have represented in my life and the lives of my DH and children will be laid to rest with them, and I know a psychological weight will be lifted knowing that negative energy is no longer around.
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Re: Not Sure How To Feel

Postby archenemy » Thu Oct 12, 2017 10:41 am

HI Yacky! Alcohol sure can cause cancers. Especially in the mouth/throat area. One of my drinking buddies died from that at only 40 yrs. old. Hopefully since your FIL has a new, second lease on his Life..he could repair his relationship with your DH, Asap! Maybe he'll even turn over a new leaf, since he was facing Death's Door. If that doesnt kick our crappy In-Laws in their pants to act human..I just dont know what would? Lol. Good luck Yacky, so your DH can be happy, and YOU, too!
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