Opinions Please

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Opinions Please

Postby djs » Thu Dec 07, 2017 10:57 am

Okay my sounding board - I need some perspective on what you think is happening here.

As most of you are aware, we had an incident with MIL this week regarding our vacation and watching our puppy. You all have given great advice and insight on that and I agree, from now on that I will look for someone else and not give MIL the opportunity to change her mind at the last minute. It hurt to know that she does this for her other children, but we are not important in her life - but it truly is something we have known for a very long time.

As I stated, I sent MIL a text that stated I was hurt that she would not watch the pup and that she always puts her other children first. That we never ask her for anything and this is the ONE thing we as her to help us with, and it is only once a year. I said that she just gave us another reason to stay away. I also stated that we mind our own business and never ask her for anything (unlike her other children).

Well a few days have passed and DH called her last night. She screamed and yelled at him on the phone, told him that she was done with us and said she doesn't want anything from us for Xmas. DH hasn't said much else of what she said but I am getting the impression she went into a lot more, digging up much from the past.

He is very quiet and I do feel bad for him that he has to deal with this. MIL has never gone to this extreme before. I have called to get an appointment for a counselor for us. For DH's sake, he needs to understand and see what is happening here (she can't just do what she wants and not get called out for it). More importantly, I think he might become resentful and blame me. With Xmas coming, it isn't a good time for this all to be happening.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
djs
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby jigglypuff » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:12 am

I'm glad you guys are going to counseling. I hope things improve.

More importantly, I think he might become resentful and blame me.


If he is so far up his mommy's butt that it would cause him to misplace resentment onto you, then he is not a man worth keeping. Any resentment should be directed towards the agitator which is his FOO. If he thinks you should just tolerate abuse for his sake then he's no better than they are.

So many wives on here say they feel sorry for their SO when they get chewed out by the ILs. I am not one of these wives. If my DH didn't give a damn about my feelings the entire time his family treated me like crap, I sure as hell am not going to offer him any sympathy when they do the same to him. In fact, I'll be that bitch to tell him "I told you so". In fact, I have.

I think one mistake we've made as wives is, we are too damn nice and sacrifice way too much for our men. Including our self respect and end up tolerating a lot more than we should. Women need to buck up and stop wasting their kindness, empathy and self worth on people who couldn't care less and that includes our husbands. It's time to demand better.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Melody » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:21 am

I'm very happy to hear you booked an appointment with a counselor - I think that is the best thing you can do. In my case, DH actually chose the counselor - and I think that helped him listen even more. (I was a little surprised he chose a woman in her 70's - but heck, he might have been looking for an actually good maternal figure since he doesn't have one). I think this could be the best holiday gift for both of you.

Please don't get annoyed with me, but I think sending that text was probably a bad idea. She doesn't give a sh*t about YOUR opinion, that had to come from DH (even though he's exhibiting the spine of a wet noodle). But worse, now MIL has written "proof" of what an "unreasonable b*tch" you are.

When I was getting divorced from my older children's father, that MIL and I were on OK terms at first. (Of course it drifted that I must have done SOMETHING wrong for her son to run off leaving me with a newborn and 2 year old- and that I should do everything to get him back - um no thanks). Meanwhile she was pushing me to work (which I did from home - often late at night with no babysitter). But she would only babysit at HER convenience.

So I pushed back when I had work deadlines and then NOT giving up time with my kids when I was free and actually tried to (gasp!) set a schedule. She got so pissed that she called me and told me "Don't ask me to babysit!". She did NOT mean it at all. Well I took her up on that, and never called her again.

So what am guessing will happen? Don't EVER ask her for ANYTHING again, and if DH says anything REMIND HIM INCESSENTLY. And THAT is going to be the hard part - getting him to stop contacting her "because she doesn't want contact". No gifts, no calls, NO CONTACT, then watch MIL come running to you. On the off chance she doesn't - ITS STILL A WIN!!! I hate these stupid b*tchy games, but sometimes you have to play them to win!
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby djs » Thu Dec 07, 2017 11:57 am

Melody wrote:Please don't get annoyed with me, but I think sending that text was probably a bad idea. She doesn't give a sh*t about YOUR opinion, that had to come from DH (even though he's exhibiting the spine of a wet noodle). But worse, now MIL has written "proof" of what an "unreasonable b*tch" you are.


I wish I didn't send the text - but I have kept my mouth shut for way to long! There have been many, many, issues with MIL that did not directly impact me (such as family property that his mother owns being sold to bil (he manipulates her as well as esil) without consideration or consult of DH - as he is the executor of the estate (FIL has passed away). There is much more but it would take me all day to write. My point is that I keep my mouth shut! That is between DH and his family and he can let him walk all over him if he likes but when it is about ME and MY vacation, etc, I will say something. Heck, if it was anyone else (non-family) I would have done the same thing. But I appreciate your opinion, I always like to hear about looking at things differently and seeing other sides.

Melody wrote:So what am guessing will happen? Don't EVER ask her for ANYTHING again, and if DH says anything REMIND HIM INCESSENTLY. And THAT is going to be the hard part - getting him to stop contacting her "because she doesn't want contact". No gifts, no calls, NO CONTACT, then watch MIL come running to you. On the off chance she doesn't - ITS STILL A WIN!!! I hate these stupid b*tchy games, but sometimes you have to play them to win!


I have done any asking less and less over the years - in fact, this is the ONLY thing we have asked her every year for the past 3 or 4 years. This one week, once a year we ask very early to give her notice. We also thank you, bring her back a present and we are always very good to her on her birthday, Mother's day, etc. It just gets me that she is this torn up about things when we are the only ones that "give" to her and are not asking for handouts like the other two. They live rent free, whenever they need something she buys it (washer and dryer on her credit card was the latest). We are not rich by any means, but we watch our pennies and manager or money so we rely on ourselves. I even run an Etsy shop to make the money we use to go on vacation.

Some one recently said that the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" and I agree with that in some respects here. He is not totally reasonable (like MIL) when he is upset and I have seen him lash out because he does not understand or know how to deal with it. He needs tools to learn how to deal with her / her behaviors and direct the anger to the right person.

DH is a smart person. He is a manger of a large team in a Fortune 500 company. He just never received the tools on dealing with his dysfunctional family. He has learned much over the years (being away from it is eye opening to him) but he needs more.

Since FIL died, MIL has really gone wrong. FIL kept her in her place and told her what wasn't right, now she listens to immature ESIL and is doing many things that are tearing the family apart (like I said, I keep out of most of it). Outsiders see it and tell DH so he does know it is truth, he just needs to learn how to deal with it better. (The wet noodle backbone fits him perfectly right now!) I wish he was stronger to stand up to her and be there to support her (in good ways) and not let her other children take advantage of her and to make sure things are done FAIRLY (or better anyway) but he can't.

I'm praying we get a call back from the counselor soon and get it so he can start to see that the dysfunction is there and we may not be able to fix THEM just how we react or don't react to them.

I look forward to more feedback from this great group!
djs
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby mamarama » Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:39 am

Hi djs.

Counseling is a good idea here. I've read your posts about this situation. It's gotten way out of hand, and not by your doing. MIL is playing your H like a fiddle. And he is behaving more like an indignant child than a man and husband. We both know he is allowing all of this drama and he is betraying his wife for the sake of placating his mommy. You deserve better. And for him to throw out the D word over this? Really?!?! That's quite infantile imho. What I hear is "I'd rather get rid of my wife than actually be a decent man and husband." Has he apologized for that?

I guess it's a moot point now, but could you not board toto while you went on your vacation? In hindsight, maybe you should have left both dogs (H and toto) home together. Maybe that was a little harsh. If so, sorry. I'm just a little peeved for you right now.
Last edited by mamarama on Thu Dec 28, 2017 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby djs » Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:35 pm

[quote="mamara)
I guess it's a moot point now, but could you not board toto while you went on your vacation? In hindsight, maybe you should have left both dogs (H and toto) home together. Maybe that was a little harsh. If so, sorry. I'm just a little peeved for you right now.[/quote]

I totally agree. I am having hard time with this episode. I have tried to get into three counselors so far and for some reason I can not get an appointment! One never responded, one responded once saying he would see us but has not returned my email or phone message I left over a week ago and the third said they would sed is but is taking the whole month of January off! Ugh. I will keep looking. DH and I have this week off and was hoping we could have seen someone since we could go any time but no luck!

I am totally depressed!
djs
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby Mara » Thu Dec 28, 2017 12:57 pm

I’m sorry you are having a difficult time coordinating with counselors. I can relate to you soooo much. I’ve had the same kinds of frustrations. First finding the kids new drs and myself new prenatal care when we abruptly moved into my parents’ home (and time crunch because I was already in my third trimester and DD needed a lead test as a requirement to be enrolled in school). Then I had similar issues finding a dr to see my Nicu baby when he was discharged. The NICU said I had to get an appt before he was discharged, but all the offices were closed because it was Christmas/New Years holidays, then they wouldn’t allow me to make an appt because there was an error with our health insurance, which couldn’t be fixed because it had to be updated in one office then a security ne department then a third, and of course holidays, etc.

I know in the moment these things are so frustrating, overwhelmed my, stressful. Especially since you want it to get done now since your Dh and you have the time off work. I hope you can find someone.

So your Dh and DD both went to MILs house on Christmas? How did it go for them? How is DD dealing with the messed up birthday plans?
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby mamarama » Thu Dec 28, 2017 2:18 pm

Do some background research on the counselor you get an appointment with before you go to see them. You don't want one that will tell you to cede to other people's wishes and feelings at your own expense and live an unhappy life just to "keep the peace". Unfortunately, those kinds of counselors do exist, and they should have their licenses to practice revoked.

The thing about your H just throwing out divorce as an option seriously needs to be addressed too. Did he take a vow to love, honor, and cherish you above all others, let no man put asunder his marriage, to you or to his mommy and FOO? It seems like some priorities need to get straightened out. And this has absolutely nothing, nada, to do with the dog. The underlying issues here outweigh what happened with the dog and the vacation. What happened there is just a symptom of an underlying problem.
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Re: Opinions Please

Postby djs » Thu Dec 28, 2017 3:18 pm

I have been reading the counselors profiles in what they specialize in or what they have had experience in working on. I also am reading reviews if there are any. I have been to counselling before with DH years ago. Just didnt remember having so much trouble getting an appointment.

The final knock in the head for me was when his mother first told him she would be “too busy” to watch the pup. We had asked he weeks earlier. When she said she was too busy DH blamed me! Stating that it was my fault because it was a holiday week and it isnt a good time to ask. . Where was that statement when we originally talked anout the trip? It shocked me that DH totally turned it around on me. I was hurt and still am. Then to say he was going over on Xmas Day? The day we were due to leave on this special trip for our daughter? I have never put my foot down before on daying he should not go see EMIL but after biting my tongue for a couple of hours, I told him right out that he shouldnt be going over there today. Not today. He stayed home but wasnt happy about it.

He still hadnt visited EMIL for Xmas but has mentioned it a few times. He has also mentioned other comments like “wonder whst they all said about us Xmas day”. I am learning to not engage in the conversation and change the subject (only this group gives me such wise advice). He still doesnt get it that I M completely done with it all. The drama, hurt feelings, nasty comments, and little digs. I need peace in my life and 2018 I hope will ne the beginning of a peaceful happier year.

DH is still trying to convince me to go to his brother’s wedding in April saying “it wont look hood if you don't go”. Why would I give a flying fig if it looks good or not? Do they care what looks good that they do? Also DH is in the wedding and the rest of the flying monkies are too. What am I suppose to do sitting by myself. Nope, not doing it!
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