CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

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CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby itisallmyfault » Tue Feb 13, 2018 10:44 am

Hi everybody,

I would like to give you an update, share some weird stuff my FPIL have pulled so we might share a laugh and ask for some advice on extended family/flying monkeys.

I have been with fiance for more than 4 years. I was first welcomed into his family by everyone and then kicked out by FPIL almost three years ago when fiance and I decided to live the life we wanted instead of the life they wanted. Ever since, they have shown textbook narcissistic behaviour and we have had low contact or no contact.

The main accusations include me being responsible for fiance moving a two hours drive away from his parents home town, me controlling fiance, me writing messages from fiance's phone to them declaring no contact, me wanting to destroy their relationship right from the beginning etc. All NOT true. Fiance wanted to move away, he cut off contact himself etc.

Fast forward to April last year, when fiance announced our engagement at a family event where everybody was present. His parents stood up and left the event without a single word. Other family members seemed happy for us and later on told us that FPIL were angry because "we hadn't told them, we had only told the other family members". :?:
Fiance called them in August after four months of absoulutely no contact since we were to see them at another family event. They offered no congratualtions, not even one friendly word. Fiance was supposed to justify himself for weird shit they made up as usually, so he decided not to invite them to our wedding.

Fast forward to December. Another one of my favourites and such a confirmation that not inviting FPIL to our wedding was the right decision. We were invited to a birthday party and seating arrangements were made by the host. We later on learned that FFIL had adjusted these arrangements right before our arrival to his liking, putting me next to the host and far away from himself.

Also, December was a very stressful month. We had decided to relocate to a different city 600 km away (it is now a 5 hours drive to FPIL and only 1 hour to my family :mrgreen: ) so fiance was busy with job applications, I had to finish my master's thesis and we both were busy finding a place to rent, making wedding arrangements, etc. We got very lucky and were able to move between chistmas and new year's eve so we had to pack things up and act really quickly. Still, I took the time to create personalized christmas cards for every single member of fiance's family but FPIL. We received no answer at all. None of his family wished him a merry christmas. On the contrary. His cousin called the first week in January telling us that his entire extended family had been debating our issues with FPIL all over christmas, had even called fiance's brother to ask for advice and wanted to ask if the decision to not invite FPIL is up for discussion.

Since it's not, fiance called his parents and told them he did not want to see them at his wedding, that they were not invited nor welcome and that we had taken precautions by informing the hotel (which we have). HIs mother - innocent as a lamb - asked if they were not invited because they "didn't get along with his bride" which fiance declined. He repeated himself over and over, that he doesn't want anything to do with them because of how they have treated HIM. His father then hung up mumbling something about me finally having succeeded. :roll:

Meanwhile, I have sent out personalized "we have moved" cards to all of fiance's extended family except his parents and yes, you are guessing right. There was not one reply. My fiance and I have been a great team right from the beginning. We split chores and responsibilities to our liking and I was always the one thinking of birthdays, buying presents, attending events. In four years, I have never received any congratultions for my birthday from his side of the family (and probably won't this year in April either). I have been to countless christenings, enrollment parties, birthday parties, holidays. You name it, I was there.

I have reached a point where I want nothing to do with ALL of fiance's family. Another highlight was FBIL who announced that he will not bring his 3 kids (2,4,6) to our wedding, because "they don't want to, because it's always so boring". Meanwhile, he has announced to try to bring the kids to the ceremony and have them picked up by FPIL afterwards so they don't have to "endure" the celebration at the hotel. I am so tired of this. Fiance and I, we both look forward to after the wedding, when his family will be hundreds of kilometres away, when there will be no chance of them ruining any other event we might host in the future. I have already said that I won't sent another single card or text or anything to any of his folks. That I will not travel 2000 km in a week ever again to attend their events at different places while, during 4 years, NONE of them has ever visited us.

Am I being too hard? I don't feel any anger or resentment towards FPIL. I pity them for being the strong narcissists they are, for missing out on their son's wedding and (I guarantee!) for missing out on everything that will have to do with our future children. However, with the extended family, they have not been as bad as FPIL and I don't know if I might be exaggerating by cutting them off as well.

I just wish that this was all over. That we can live in peace. Without all this stress. Fiance is so happy to start his own family. He shows less understanding and forgiveness than me and seems to still be angry. I have no energy left to feel angry or upset. I just want it to end. No more of this crazy bs. The wedding is in May, so only 3 more months of possible manipulations and sabotaging to manage. Any advice?
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby mamarama » Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:39 pm

IAMF,

Why are you perpetuating your torture? Your fiancé has all but cut them off yet you keep trying to reel them back in. WHY?!?! He has good reason to not want them at the wedding, so please respect his feelings, and do yourself one of the biggest favors in your life. I know you wish all was happy and people behaved decently and rainbows flew out of unicorns' butts, but please look at this situation for what it is rather than what you wish it would be.

Let them blame you for everything that's gone wrong. Who cares? As long as your fiancé is by your side and sticking up for you, that's all that matters. He's doing what all of us on this forum wished our spouses would do. He seems to have a completely comprehensive understanding of what's going on here -- which leads me to....

"He doesn't want anything to do with them because of how they have treated HIM

He's 1000% right. By mistreating you, they have mistreated HIM. His family sees it as a power struggle between them and you. If they are allowed to mistreat you, they win. If he doesn't allow it, you win. The situation is neither. Your fiance is being a man, a real man, and a good SO. And even he knows when enough is enough. Follow his lead.

About your forgiveness and understanding and his anger, honey, and I mean this sincerely and am not trying to be mean, but you are very naive. Your fiance is entitled to his feelings and is rightfully angry. You are entitled to your feelings too, but I don't understand why you keep trying to invite such nasty people into your life, especially when your fiance is trying to protect you from them. Don't be a glutton for abuse. And remember that no good deed goes unpunished when it comes to vile and unethical narcissistic, gossipy people.

Your fiance sees these people for who they truly are. Why do you refuse to? Better worded, maybe you do realize how awful they are, but keep going back for seconds. Why? They have shown you exactly who they are and yet you have a hard time believing them. You are doing this to yourself. An honest question, and please don't take it the wrong way -- were you raised to think that you should bend over backwards to get people who mistreat you to accept you? Were you raised to sacrifice your self-respect at the alter of acceptance? Because it seems that's the way your situation is going.

Respect your fiance's feelings and drop the rope. And just remember that this is family that isn't invited to the wedding. This isn't old high school friends that you just didn't have enough seating for. There is a reason for this. And if you have good reason to not invite family to the wedding (which you do), you have a good reason to disassociate from them completely.

I'm pulling a quote from a response you had in another thread.

"Since fiance announced our engagement last april and FPIL left the venue without a word, I have called them three times trying to involve them somehow in the wedding since fiance is determined to let them rot and sulk where they belong (hell). Naturally (for the narcissists they are), as it was "only" me who called, they didn't even bother to pick up the phone so it went to voice mail. Hearing their voices there already sent shivers down my spine."

I've got to tell ya, I'd be PISSED if my fiancé kept trying to get in touch with my family that I've cut off. And try to invite them to my wedding when I have thoroughly expressed how I feel about it? Aw hell no. I would see that as unsupportive, a complete disregard and lack of respect for my feelings and my judgement, and I would reconsider the marriage.
Last edited by mamarama on Tue Feb 13, 2018 2:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby Melody » Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:44 pm

Despite all the drama your IL's are causing it sounds like you got yourself a real keeper. And that's what counts in the end! He's already dismissing them - absolutely follow his que and STOP putting an effort in!

And you're right - your FMIL is a b*tch in sheeps clothing, cousin is a meddling busybody and FBIL an @ass. He wants to bring his kids to the ceremony but not the "boring" party? WTF? It was cordial of you to invite them - he's being ridiculous, and I imagine those kids will eventually hate him.

Enjoy the lack of bagagge on your honeymoon!
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby mamarama » Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:51 pm

You would think that the kids would enjoy the party more than the ceremony. There is something fishy going on here. If you were to ask kids, they'd rather be at the reception with the cake than sit quietly through a wedding ceremony. Unless it's Elvis performing the ceremony. Is it Elvis? That would be awesome 8) No, but really, it sounds like that is a manipulation tactic coming from him rather than the kids. But why? This makes no sense. Maybe for him to stir the pot at the wedding and then bail out on the aftermath? Pure conjecture but still...
Last edited by mamarama on Tue Feb 13, 2018 2:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby itisallmyfault » Tue Feb 13, 2018 2:30 pm

mamarama wrote:Your fiancé has all but cut them off yet you keep trying to reel them back in. WHY?!?!


When have I done this? I'm sorry, but I honestly don't get it. In case I wasn't precise enough, fiance invited the extended family to the wedding, he wanted to send christmas cards and "we have moved" cards. He is the one who wants to keep contact with the extended family until after the wedding. In fact, I suggested disinviting FBIL after he pulled the children bs which he did not want. Above post was meant to be about me wanting to cut off the extended family while he is not so sure. I was the one making the cards, true, but I was making them anyways for my family and friends so I made a few more. And besides, we are a team and if he wants to have them cards, I'm not gonna tell him to make his own. Since we agree on no more cards for his folks after the wedding, there won't be any issues.

In case this hasn't come accross: I most certainly do not want my FPIL at my wedding nor anywhere else in my life. Ever. Again. Or near anyone else who is dear to me either.

The reason I did call them 3 times after the engagement, which most certainly was not me inviting them but simply offering to talk, was that I feel sorry for them to miss out. Why? Because my dad died a couple of years back in his early 40s of a sudden heart attack and I find it so sad that he misses out. I would want him there. But most certainly not my Ils. If this is me being naive, then so be it.


mamarama wrote: I know you wish all was happy and people behaved decently and rainbows flew out of unicorns' butts, but please look at this situation for what it is rather than what you wish it would be.


People who know me would never say that about me. No, never. :lol:

mamarama wrote: Let them blame you for everything that's gone wrong. Who cares?


I don't. My nickname is pure irony because I do know it's not the truth. I find it funny. Maybe we don't have the same humour.

mamarama wrote: He's 1000% right. By mistreating you, they have mistreated HIM.

That's not what he meant. He meant it literally. When I didn't allow FPIL to bully me, they started bullying him instead and that is what has created his disapproval. While they were bullying me, he kept justifying himself over and over, allowed low contact etc. Only when they started attacking him as well, he went no contact (which he is not proud of).


mamarama wrote:Your fiance is entitled to his feelings and is rightfully angry.


Of course he is. What I wanted to imply here is that he might regret things later on because of his present anger. No more and no less. And I certainly never mentioned me forgiving them. Why would I? Why would I bury my self-confidence like that?

EDIT: OMG. I did mention forgiveness. Definitely don't know what craziness has driven me here. I'm sorry. Definitely not forgiving, let's stick with understanding (thanks to the literature I have read on narcissists the previous month). Or maybe comprehension is a better word. Argh. What I mean is that I understand why they do what they do. Let's keep it at that. :oops: :oops: :oops:

Concerning the rest of your answer, I can only shake my head. I'm not offended though, if that's the impression you have from me, so be it. My family and friends know that I am the last person in the world "bending over backwards to get people who mistreat me to accept me". In fact, my mum has been a very good role model cutting off her abusive father. I was raised not to take crap from anyone - including you :D (no offence meant, I just don't get where you're coming from).
Last edited by itisallmyfault on Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby itisallmyfault » Tue Feb 13, 2018 2:35 pm

mamarama wrote:You would think that the kids would enjoy the party more than the ceremony. There is something fishy going on here. If you were to ask kids, they'd rather be at the reception with the cake than sit quietly through a wedding ceremony. Unless it's Elvis performing the ceremony. Is it Elvis? That would be awesome 8) No, but really, it sounds like that is a manipulation tactic coming from him rather than the kids. But why? This makes no sense. Maybe for him to stir the pot at the wedding and then bail out on the aftermath? Pure conjecture but still...



I agree and the why is so easy to spot. Because FPIL will pick up the kids!
And there it is, their way in. That's why I suggested putting an end to these games by disinviting FBIL.


But to be honest, FBIL will most likely be late anyways and I will have another word with the people holding the ceremony to make sure they don't let anyone in who is late. :mrgreen:

That's none of the kid's doings. They are 2, 4 and 6 :lol:
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby mamarama » Tue Feb 13, 2018 3:05 pm

I apologize for any misconceptions I had. I admit I'm confused because you say you're over them and not reaching out to FIL, which I understand, but you say you keep reaching out to the extendeds. [i] "I have called them three times trying to involve them somehow in the wedding since fiance is determined to let them rot and sulk where they belong (hell). " That's the part I was going on about leaving it alone and respecting his wishes, and that's where I get confused.

You have done your duty, and even gone above and beyond, when it comes to the extendeds. And fiancé says let 'em rot in hell. If they want to be involved, they'll get in touch. You gave them the "we've moved" cards and everything. They know where to reach you.

And you're right about the kids at the party. What a sneaky trick to weasel FIL into the picture. BIL shouldn't be invited either IMHO just because of that. He's not trustworthy, he's blatantly disrespectful of the bride's and groom's wishes, and I don't think this will be the last little manipulation he tries to pull. I don't think he really wants to go anyways other than to get FIL into the mix and cause a scene at your wedding. pffffft. I mean, why would you go to the wedding when you deliberately choose to not respond to the wife and the husband doesn't care if you rot in hell and has no intention of inviting you? I say uninvite BIL and invite someone you actually want to see. BIL + your wedding = trouble and an unforgettable wedding, but for all the wrong reasons. grrr
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby itisallmyfault » Tue Feb 13, 2018 4:34 pm

No apology needed :) . Fiance has read my post and agrees it's not as precise as it could have been.

You know, I sometimes have this problem with the English language. Since I have never learnt word to word translations but rather picked it up during my stays abroad, I usually have a feeling of what a word means without knowing the precise translation. So I do end up offending people from time to time (e.g. by using colloquial language that I am not aware of is colloquial) and as my English is quite fluent, people think that I am being deliberately outright rude although I probably just chose the wrong word :roll: . Not fishing for compliments here, just saying that this has happened MANY times. In fact, in the other currently published post by Thane, I sort of had a feeling that her style of writing was somewhat condescending, but I wasn't sure and couldn't pin it down. You were spot on though 8) .

Concerning FBIL, I don't have the right to disinvite him on my own since fiance really wants him there. He has made it perfectly clear, that "exchaning the kids" is nowhere to take place near us and that he doesn't want to see his parents. His brother seemed understanding so I can't really say anything. If he pulls any more stunts like that, I'll be the first one to voice a posiible disinvite (again).

We have taken as many precautions as I can think of.
- FPIL are not invited and fiance even called them and made it clear that he didn't want to see them. They didn't seem too impressed but when he told them we had security who were aware of the details, they seemed offended. As long as they are offended and sulking - good. Then they won't pull any crap.
- The arrangement for seating is such that if FBIL or anyone of the extended family pull any sort of crap and we ask them to leave (or they don't show up despite having confirmed the RSVP), there will be no great effects. Naturally, we're not sitting with any of them but with our groomsmen and -women and our dearest friends. My "groomswoman" is a my best friend who, I admit, can be a lot to handle at times. She loves to argue with people who try to bs her and is very upfront and keeping an eye on everything. Anyone who wants to contribute has to discuss this with her.

This makes me seem like a total control freak :lol: :lol: . It's not that bad though, or so I hope.

Any other advice on things I should watch out for? Precautions I should take? How do I act when FPIL actually do show up? I was planning on being all smiles, not show any anger and hint to security to deal with them. Any better suggestions?
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby mamarama » Tue Feb 13, 2018 5:32 pm

Fill your groomswoman in on all the details. She sounds like she can handle these people :D Have her run interference. Oh, and be sure to seat FBIL and his entourage at the back of the reception hall (if they do attend the party) so that they can be removed as discretely as possible if they try to pull any fast ones on you. How dare he try to sneak in FPILs to crash your wedding! Ugh!

"His brother seemed understanding"
Of course he did. It's all part of the rouse to get FPILs in the door. This is all just to fishy. Don't put it past FBIL to try something at your wedding/reception.

I'm sorry you're even having to deal with all of this foolishness. :(
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby Melody » Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:17 pm

Fill your Master of Ceremonies in on this.

Additionally, if you have any law enforcement friends -let them know.

We let both know I had an ex - we weren't concerned (and nothing happened) - and they were both more than prepared - this WON'T be a shock to them.

In our case this was my second wedding, I was visably pregnant and DH and I were both older (we both wanted kids and I told my older two the rules don't apply if you're over 35!). DH was a theater major and met his friend in college - in theater. DH's friend is an actual Federal Marshal. The only "cruelty" exercised is when friend "apprehended" DH during our intro to the party. DH "ran" and friend "apprehended" him and handcuffed us together - to a bunch of laughs. :)
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby mamarama » Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:27 pm

^^^ :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby bsfighter1 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 2:30 am

However, with the extended family, they have not been as bad as FPIL and I don't know if I might be exaggerating by cutting them off as well.


Yes they have (unless it was just the one cousin who confronted your fiancé and not the rest of them)? Can’t remember if your extended ILs are coming to your wedding too or boycotting it because husband’s parents aren’t invited?

From what you wrote about the meddling cousin going behind your back talking to bil, and then bluntly asking you guys about pils wedding invite, this is complete mob mentality. It’s called him/her minding their own business, and by sticking their nose into it it means they are completely on PIL’s side.

I still unfortunately have low contact with some of my husband’s extended family, but I do not trust a single one of them. However, unlike your fiancés cousin most of my extended ILs had the sense to pretty much keep out of it and mind their own business (well, aside from 2 aunts who came dangerously close to the cutoff line when they started getting a bit too pushy about forcing me to reconnect with the narcissistic ILs). I had DH tell his aunts right then and there the boundaries and the inappropriateness of their pushiness and inconsideration for our wellbeing. Fortunately for husband, they backed off. I still watch very closely though at all of the extended ILs behaviour. I will never feel comfortable around any of them due to the situation with their toxic family members.

For the very few extended ILs who decided to openly stick their noses into the IL fight, eat up stepmonster il’s vicious lies and attack me when it had nothing to do with them (ie husband’s weird stepbrother and his unintelligent wife) they were instantly cut off from me and my children without a second thought and I never looked back. People like that don’t deserve having any association with me if they so easily can take sides and attack when it has nothing to do with them.

On a side note, dh was forced to be around his stepbrother and unintelligent wife at a family function a year and a half after they attacked me and cut me off from their social media, along with posting passive aggressive remarks on Facebook that likely had something to do with me. The wife had the nerve to act like all was well (of course DH played along :roll: ). She told DH that she was now “on our side” as though that somehow made up for their reprehensible behaviour and as if that was enough to make amends with me who was not even at the function. She also asked point blank if she was still on DH’s social media as if she really thought she was entitled to that after she and her husband made a point of removing me from theirs. When DH said “well... no” she got extremely quiet like she was hurt and that was the end of that. Unreal.

You may be interested in reading this article about family meddlers like your fiance’s cousin. It’s a religious based site and I’m not sure if you are, but the author makes some very practical points and speaks from her own experience. http://luke173ministries.org/466791
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby itisallmyfault » Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:40 pm

Thank you all for your suggestions and support. When I read the link bsfigther posted (no, I'm not religious, but the link was excellent nevertheless), I just couldn't believe what creatures wander this planet. :shock:

Concerning FBIL, you are so right. His behaviour is odd. Very much so. However, he has also had his share of problems with his parents. They used to badmouth his wife real bad. At the christening of his oldest child, they took him aside and asked him if that was the life he wanted. FBIL never told his wife how bad things were, so she is very tolerant concerning FPIL and since they only see them twice a year, FBIL seems to get along better these days. FBIL furthermore has a parenting style that I have never seen before. It is done wahtever the kids want, no matter what time or place, there are no rules and everything is very chaotic. I don't mean to defend his behaviour, not at all, I just wanna say that it's too early for me to judge him. So I'm gonna take precautions, keep my guard up and see what happens.

Considering the situation with busybody cousin (learned a new word :) ), I'll give you some more details. Fiance's aunt (sister of the mother) has two kids, both in their mid to late thirties, married, kids. Although cousin 1 was the one who called fiance, the topic was discussed among ALL of them in an attempt to see if things couldn't be patched up (allegedly). So when cousin 1 called fiance to ask if things were negotiable, he had already called FBIL to ask if he saw any hope (who allegedly declined) and cousin 2 had called FPIL (we didn't ask for details). When fiance said that things weren't up for discussion, he dropped the topic immendiately and didn't try again. This was the first and only time they tried to intervene so I'm not gonna be too hard on them for this. However, what I cannot accept at all is them talking about us at christmans and not calling fiance to wish him happy holidays. Also, it seems pretty clear that they wanted to patch things up for FPIL. What I mean by that is that they must have thought "they will miss out on their son's wedding, poor FPIL" instead of "fiance received no congratulations for his engagement and was treated in an infamous manner instead". Anyways, the result is the same for me. I'll stay the hell away and not put in one tiny bit of effort ever again.

FFIL is such a pathetic sausage. My mum always says (I confided her in) that FPIL could be so happy. In their early 60s and still healthy, two healthy sons with good academic education and partners, three healthy grandchildren. FFIL just doesn't know how to appreciate anything at all. He has it all and deliberately throws it away while my dad never had the opportunity. He makes me sick. But I am very much looking foward to my dad's dad taking me to the alter (figuratively speaking - it will be a table in a beautiful little castle). :wink:

Thank you all again, I know my posts are way too long. :oops:
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Re: CO extended family too? / Wedding without FPIL

Postby CantstandmyILs » Wed Feb 14, 2018 7:04 pm

IDK how you extended yourself to his family that much. I mean damn you went to all family functions but they're complaining about yours which I'm sure it's not a lot from yous. I got married last yr and didn't consider inviting any of the ILs except PILs cause DH wanted them there. How did your DF came up with that all by himself. I'm sure if PILs didn't come to our wedding it would of been more relaxing for me instead of feeling a little tense cause I know they took advantage of pics with my kids.

If I was you I'll CO all of them. Your DH is showing you many times he isn't interested to go as far as telling them you're moving. I never send any family cards of we are moving. I just prefer phone calls. I give it to you.
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