Need advice on daughters b-day!

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

Moderators: Phred, willthetruthbetold, meimei

Need advice on daughters b-day!

Postby rdavis3 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:31 pm

Hi everyone!

So I have posted on this topic before, but I'm in need of some advice before I make any final decisions.

So my daughter is turning 1 in February. I plan to have a birthday party for her. My husband wants to invite his dad, and when I bluntly said NO, he was upset. I felt bad upsetting my husband, only for the mere face that he wants so desperately for his father to love and think highly of him as a person and father, but I'm just not sure I can deal with another major LIFE milestone being ruined.

When I had our child, I was very specific to keep it off social media. I told my husband to tell his father, and he said he did and that his dad would not post about it. I had my own personal reasons for feeling that was best at the time. I had my daughter at 1:37am, his dad found out around 5am, and a picture of my HUSBAND was posted at 8am with the caption reading "Someone became a daddy today! Congratulations buddy, so happy for you." --Oh, I was livid. Not only for the fact that he posted it when I was specific af about keeping it offline...but that fact that I was nowhere mentioned in it. You know, the girl who just spent 18 hours in hell. Nope. What about congratulating us both? #ass Then, I invited family members to come down to meet her a few weeks after birth. His dad decided to go to Vegas instead.

Fast forward 4 months, and the hubs and I are getting ready to get married. His dad committed to paying for our rehearsal dinner. 8 week out, he calls my husband and says he can't pay for it anymore...that he had to focus on his wedding...which is THIS June. So he left us high and dry. When he went back home after the wedding, he told his daughter a bunch of lies, which then got back to my husband and to me, and I was livid...again.

I don't want to bore you guys with a bunch of examples, but basically the guy has ruined a lot of moments for me...moments that I won't get back. I just don't want my daughters 1st birthday to be one of them...and with the track record he has, I'd be foolish to believe otherwise.

What do you guys think? Am I doing the right thing?

P.S What are your thoughts on giving a 10 month old a Walmart gift-card for Xmas, rather than sending her an actual toy/clothing/etc? My FIL asked my husband what our daughter needed for Xmas and he told him. Instead of getting something personalized, he just sent a gift-card and basically said for us to figure it out. You can't be grandpa of the year, when you put no effort in..and thats how I felt when received.

Any advice on the matters would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks guys!
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Nov 19, 2018 8:42 am

Re: Need advice on daughters b-day!

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:38 am

This is a yucky situation for you. It’s strange that your DH is looking at this as a way to look better in his fathers eyes. He’s still seeking his fathers approval in life? Theres unresolved issues there and a special milestone birthday party isn’t the place to show this. There’s gotta be other ways like maybe he can invite his father to a special alone time birthday ice cream date with the three of them?

Are you having this party in your home? Does the FIL know about the plans? Has he asked to come? Has his father even reached out to you? I wouldn’t expect to be invited to my granddaughters first birthday if I had a huge issue with my DIL/SIL.

Maybe one suggestion would be to have your DH keep your FIL busy if he’s wanting his dad there so bad. If you’re throwing meat on the grill, have DH make that a job for the FIL. Anything that keeps the FIL busy and occupied with minimal interaction with you. You’re keeping yourself from having issues with the DH down the road this way too. No animosity, it’s a slippery slope. Let your DH know that you’re not comfortable, but you understand he would like his father to be proud of him. There’s all kinds of missed opportunities, if your DH has his father come, it’s his opportunity to make a difference and be there for the right reasons. Remind your DH that this is your (both of you) special opportunity too and there’s no chance to recreate this ever again. Have DH ask his father what his expectations are for going.

Ugh, I wish you luck. I wouldn’t be able to do this with my MIL...but I know there wouldn’t be any other option. She’d have to come and I would have to suck it up knowing without a doubt she’ll insert some dig or ugly that overshadows all memories. We have a high school graduation and a BMT (Air Force) graduation we will NEVER get back. MIL’s main motivation for going wasn’t to see her grandson graduate, she went specifically to inflict her hate for me. Her husband was in the hospital and it wasn’t a guarantee he would survive, she left him anyway because her will to place destruction on our marriage was more worth the effort. See what your FIL’s reason for going is and keep him accountable. Maybe DH will NEVER worry about how he appears in his fathers eyes. He needs to take a look at his own father and wonder why he even cares.

Try not to allow him to overshadow, maybe set a time limit and tell DH to keep his father busy. He’s there, he’s your DH’s problem to worry about, you enjoy your time. Hopefully you’ll have a lot of guests and recruit some of them to help the situation and occupy the man

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
Posts: 268
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:34 am

Re: Need advice on daughters b-day!

Postby Melody » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:38 pm

How big is this shindig are you planning? For a one year old it shouldn't be too big anyway - as it can get overwhelming quickly.

We had small calm get togethers with all four of mine for this first birthday with ONLY those closest to the kids. You know a small house party with lunch, and an arts and crafts project that the child was able to keep as a souvenier. (For example painting a wood lighthouse). Then the b-day child got their first taste of ice cream.

By the second year they had kids parties!

As for a gift card - I wouldn't read too much into that. He might have realized he really didn't know what he was doing, even though DH told him. You might want to consider setting up an Amazon registry for just those types of scenarios.
Posts: 1570
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Need advice on daughters b-day!

Postby PutMILinherplace » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:40 pm

Ok, I am going to give you some advice that I used that worked for me. I know this is going to be rough so sorry.

First, you are going to have to shinny up that spine and tell hubby the cold, hard, uncomfortable truth. "Listen hon, I am tired of this. I know want him to be the bestest Grandfather in the world. But its time for you to face reality. I am sick and tired of all the crap he has pulled. I am done. I am sorry you cant face that but I have and now I am done. He is not invited to the birthday party. Now if you want, I am willing to meet him at the park or maybe McD's for dinner. That I will do but I am done having him ruin events for me."
When DH whines and or bucks you go, "Look I am your WIFE! I come before him. You better learn to remember that RIGHT NOW! I am willing to meet him somewhere else but that's it. "
If he pulls the , but if you loved me crap, you go "if you loved your wife and child you wouldnt want to expose us to some jerk behavior"
If he pulls the, well I am the kid's father too crap, "that right ends when you put expose us to unhealthy and toxic behavior."

He needs to understand YOU are the mother, and you are done having his father ruin events that you will never get back. You will also need to remind him he sleeps with you and it is in his best interest to make sure you are happy not his daddy. I had it with my DH once and told him if he didnt like he could get his bjs from his mommy from now on. You can laugh, cringe or blush, but it worked.

I had a party when our youngest was only 1. DH's mother wanted to bring her best friend. My DH threw a fit when I told him no. I looked him in the eye and said this is a birthday party for your child. She only gets one 1st birthday. I am having family and friends over to celebrate it. This will not be a giggle fest for you mummy and best friend for them to come and say cruel things and act like a b****h to your father's new wife. I am not in the mood for high school games. He backed down pretty quick. When his dumba** mother called me trying to wear me down I told her in no uncertain terms that if her friend showed up I would call the cops and have them BOTH removed. She knew I had no problem doing so. I dont embarrass easy and I have no problem letting the whole world see them get shown out by the cops.

Hon, you may need to show your butt some. Sorry, its time to make DH uncomfortable. He needs to learn its better to please wife and his kids mother then daddy. I had to teach mine the hard way too. One of MANY ways was with the gift crap. He would bring stuff home and I would throw a fit. He didnt see the big deal about just throwing it away. One day he brought home hotdogs that were way out of date and smelled like cigarettes. So I tossed them back into the cab of his truck. After a few days in the triple digit South Carolina heat, he got the idea. I made it clear NOTHING from his mother would be allowed in the house or our trash so he better stop bringing it home. He did.

You need to get strong NOW. Just like when you are dealing with a toddler, if you back down now , it is only going to get harder as time goes on. My aunt had a great saying:
Its far easier to not start something then to start something and have to end it later and a lot fewer hurt feelings.

Oh, and the gift card for a toddler? Totally lazy Of course being the total smarta** I am I would have said , "Oh, yes, she will treasure it always and remember it came from her Grandfather. " :twisted:
Posts: 771
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:46 am
Location: South Carolina

Re: Need advice on daughters b-day!

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Jan 10, 2019 4:47 pm

I’m still stuck on the fact that your DH wants his own father to love him and think highly of him as a father, sounds like daddy issues. Your DH has a family of his own now, those days are done. They should have been formed when DH was growing up. He’s tryging to prove something to somone that clearly never was a good father or role model in the first place. Your DH’s focus should be all those things for you, not his father.

I’m agreeing with PMILIHP and Melody, let those men have their own special time alone, this party is for you.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
Posts: 268
Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:34 am

Return to In-Laws Talk

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests