Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

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Melody
Nuclear
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Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by Melody » Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:08 am

I haven't seen stepmonster since March at a party. (I ignored her). DH has only seen her once and FIL once (separately even though for some forsaken reason they are still together). MIL has been "so sick" and was actually in rehab for a few months. Granted NOT the drug and mental one she should have been in but for whatever ailments.

These may have been real,but after her "kidney failure" (dehydration), "terrible heart problems" (a nurse said "WHAT are you talking about? in front of BIL) and her bought with fake throat cancer, I really have NO patience or tolerance for her B.S.

Fast forward, Thanksgiving is not an issue (it would require stepmonster to be thankful), but that weekend we have a "coffee and cake" thing at DH's brother and SIL's house. We've blown this off enough that we figured we should go.

So I call SIL to ask what nephew wants and to ask who RSVPed. SIL laughes and said, "Your favorite person said she's coming". SIL hates her too. "But she said that the last two times and didn't show". I then tell SIL that DH can call 10 times and FIL will pick up, but I call FIL's cell ONCE and she picks up. (She also answers his email). SIL laughed and commiserated "I know!".

So now I'm dredding this. I told DH this morning that if his "paaaaaaarents" pull the same crap they did last year - telling us to buy gifts for the kids from them and then having to be asked six times for reimbusement, the answer is no. I told DH how DARE they expect us to spend his disability check and one that is smaller than it should be because of people like her who put in fake claims! He agreed.

Now its her emperess's/stepmonster's birthday the following week. So I really think she'll make the effort to be there and be on good behavior so she can put her hand out for a pricey gift. (FIA, I had a big one this year. I got a card - albeit empty - with my name spelled right for the first time in 15+ years). They sent a card - albeit also empty - for YDS after he made honor society.

I'm also expecting another, "Christmas is HERE" circus, which should be OK this year. DH is back to work and this is his busy time. Not a chance I'm dragging the kids up to the lair alone, and DH will want to rest. I make sure to cook something really good as well (stepmonster can't boil water).

Any suggestions for dealing with lovebombing? Especially keeping your DH aware of the manipulation?

KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
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Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AG

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Nov 20, 2019 9:51 am

Melody... I love your posts, they’re so relatable.

You mention that your DH agrees with you about the money spent for the kids and how your SMIL turns it basically into a shenanigan. I don’t think you need to bring anything up to him anymore about his SM and her requests for you to do the whole “buying and reimbursement”. Unless he just doesn’t get it lol. I would just stay firm on those words he’s already agreed to. “We are not doing this gift deal at all, please mention to your SM that we can’t do it this year, thank you”. Have him nip that right there.

As for love bombing, I sometimes use other people as examples to my DH. He knows how I feel about his mother. If I tell him I am expecting her to start in on the fake love bombs, it’s only going to annoy him. He’s tired of me constantly bringing up the obvious. So, I might create a BS scenario about someone and say, “my god, SusieQ who is always negative and being her manipulative self, has now started love bombing her dad, now that she wants something”. “Wow, are people so blind and dumb they can’t see what she’s doing?”.

Example:
My DH has a friend who is a total chauvinistic ass. My DH doesn’t see what I see daily. This guy is cool and well spoken around my DH. They don’t hang out or anything, they only golf together. My DH really likes golfing with him. I have a list of things I hate about this “friend” of his. He’s rude, narcissistic and degrading toward women. He speaks down to them. It’s too complicated of a situation for me to interfere with their friendship, they do some bartering work and if I get involved, I kill that. So, I will tell my DH there’s this guy who says, XYZ and he does XYZ. My DH will respond with, “wow, what an asshole” lol he doesn’t know he’s talking about his own “buddy”. Give you DH cues on what an asshole or fake, love bombing SM is without spelling her name out lol

To answer your question about making sure your DH can pick up on the manipulation that’s coming his way from his SM, you can kind of lay down examples of love bombing you’ve noticed from others. Or create a scenario and ask his opinion, that way when SM starts in, he might have an aha moment and realize he’s being love bombed. Hope this makes sense lol

Otherwise I say just let your DH handle it. He might be prepping for the love bombs too and you’re not aware that he’s already on to her. I have been surprised that my DH has seen things without my help. Shocking when it happened. Then you’re able to relax and feel so good that you didn’t point anything out. You and I try so hard to be cautious, it’s a huge victory when our DH’s didn’t need us to nudge them.

Good luck... I hope you can enjoy this holiday. If anything, you can have fun sharing with us how it all went down lol ... we are here for you ... cheers ::clink::

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
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Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Nov 20, 2019 10:32 am

Added note for prediction of my own:

I have a feeling we are about to be love bombed by our old shrew as well.

Our son will be coming home for the holidays. Old Shrew MIL has already sent me that BS, non apology texts a few weeks ago. I feel she’s laying down the groundwork.

If she really wanted to get at me, she would send a box full of her “semi-homemade” crap. She’ll want to start sending goodies again (it’s been over two years) in order to maybe get an invite for Christmas.

Not gunna happen

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
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Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by WhyOhWhy » Wed Nov 20, 2019 10:09 pm

Melody wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 10:08 am

So now I'm dredding this. I told DH this morning that if his "paaaaaaarents" pull the same crap they did last year - telling us to buy gifts for the kids from them and then having to be asked six times for reimbusement, the answer is no.

I'm also expecting another, "Christmas is HERE" circus...
Any suggestions for dealing with lovebombing? Especially keeping your DH aware of the manipulation?
Firstly, don't you just love it when people who supposedly care about your children can't be bothered to plan ahead? I mean, gosh, just the teensiest amount of forethought a couple of months in advance would allow them to pick up something meaningful on their own and ensure it is under the tree for your children on Christmas. It just shows they don't actually care enough to do that :(

Secondly, just keep pointing out every.single.thing they do and remind him of past events, past attempts at lovebombing (and the results of that), etc. Write it all down if you need to. Seeing a lengthy list might just be what he needs to see.

It's natural for people to get nostalgic at the holidays, but of course in these cases they are more nostalgic for what they WISH was true about their family. You've just gotta be right there to point out crap as soon as it happens, and then have a regular "Come To Jesus" chat with him, where you regurgitate past crap (bring out the list and remind him of every single infraction). It helps wash the rose-colored goo off of their eyes a bit, I find.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

Melody
Nuclear
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Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by Melody » Fri Nov 22, 2019 11:09 am

@Keeper - thank you! To be honest, I fortunately/unfortunately haven't been around stepmonster's personality "type" much so it really took me by surprise. So I'll really have to think about some good examples. DH is pretty quick to pick up comparisons - and especially if I can get some humor in it.

I'm sorry you relate so well! We'll have to compare notes when the "pay attention to MEEE" "hints" start pouring in, lol.

And that dynamic of the crap "gifts" they send (nothing "homemade" here just irrelevant clearance bin or used crap) versus the expectations is quite interesting.

@WhyOhWhy - Thank you! The fact that they are such a miserable excuse for "grandparents" does need to be emphasized more. I just reminded DH this morning about the time FIL tried to give then infant son a taste of his whiskey. DH had "forgotten" about this but I also reminded him that FIL is less stupid of his paaaaaaaarents".

willthetruthbetold
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Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by willthetruthbetold » Mon Nov 25, 2019 7:08 am

If your MIL is the kind of person who shows up late to events, you could try to minimize contact with her by going early and leaving soon after because you have somewhere else to be (prepared by you in advance... at the least it could be going to a particular movie showing).
I suppose you could just come out and say to your DH, "I wonder if your DM is going to try to be extra nice because her birthday is coming up." This could be met with opposition, of course, and end up in an argument, depending on your DH's attitude.

Melody
Nuclear
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Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by Melody » Sun Dec 01, 2019 12:07 pm

Update - WTTBT - you basically nailed it.

I did take all the suggestions - thank you! - but I also didn't take it so far as to remind DH about the chosen one's birthday coming up this week (so he doesn't waste tons of money on her- puke, and maybe finally sees the manipulation for what it is).

So last night, we got to BIL's a little late. We were told FIL and stepmonster were "on their way". A half hour later, they were "still coming' and BIL asks if anyone NEEDS a shot of something alcoholic in their coffee.

Then about 55 minutes into something that lasts only a little over two hours, BIL calls again, and "they AREN'T coming".

Well sheesh. I'm instantly relieved, but am I wrong to believe that stepmonster pulled her usual crap to create angst and drama?

BIL said they did spend Thanksgiving with them. DH told the kids he was disappointed they wouldn't see their grandparents. (Haven't seen them for 8 months, oh well). I restrained myself from cracking a big smile and breaking into a happy dance.

KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
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Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:34 am

Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Tue Dec 03, 2019 1:45 pm

I love it when that happens!!! Too bad the day was spent anticipating her “non” arrival.
I hate the agony over prepping all day. So happy it worked in your favor !!!

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

Melody
Nuclear
Posts: 1631
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Hoping DH doesn't fall for the lovebombing - AGAIN

Post by Melody » Tue Dec 03, 2019 8:20 pm

Exactly! And sometimes a lot more than all day. All that anxiety - I can't imagine they don't plan it - and managing to be the center of attention (because they've trained DH and the siblings) when they don't even bother to show up.

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