Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

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Melody
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Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by Melody » Fri Oct 09, 2020 11:08 am

So I bought tickets and DH, I and the kids went to a socially distanced (stay by your car and bring a picnic meal) outdoor show. We all enjoyed it quite a bit.

The show was in a remote area about an hour from home . It wasn't until we were leaving that DH realized we were RIGHT around the corner from his paaaaaaarents.

DH asks the kids, "We're RIGHT here! Who wants to call and stop by to see FIL and stepmonster!!!"

Both kids are silent for a moment. DH asks again, and one kid says, "Ummmm. Uh, Not really." DH looks at me and says, "I think I know what your vote is". I replied that I didn't say anything.

We ended up stopping at a food stop to use the restrooms. (Gross but still cleaner than the IL's). Then we drive right past their street.

Later DH posts our outing on FB. FIL called to yell at him. Whatever. If you really wanted to see us (well the kids), you wouldn't treat us so bad.

Now THAT was a visit I could handle!

WhyOhWhy
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by WhyOhWhy » Fri Oct 09, 2020 4:55 pm

Sounds perfect. It's great that your husband is realizing that your children aren't exactly jumping at the chance to see the in-laws. When those kinds of facts finally sink in, there is finally a chance at some peace.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

PutMILinherplace
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by PutMILinherplace » Fri Oct 09, 2020 5:22 pm

I am just giggling at that. My DH had to learn the hard way that the kids and I just were not going to see his mom. After my MIL died my poor DH spent over an hour with our kids, the nephews & nieces trying to get them to remember just one good time with their grandmother. Out of frustration he asked, "Cant ANYONE share a good memory?" I told him, "Hon, you are looking for a fleck of gold in a pile of dog crap." My sweetheart of a SIL (her own daughter) thought that was hilarious.

If I were you though I would make sure I was always driving if you are ever near there again so he cant outvote everyone and swing by.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Sat Oct 10, 2020 4:33 pm

Wow, that was a close call. I'm glad your Duh graduated to a DH. It gives people hope to read stories of DH's that are not clueless. I'm also glad that your kids felt comfortable enough to be honest with him about FIL and Stepmonster, and that he listened to them. Kudos to the real agent of change...you.

2012, the last time we were even in the state where Redneckia wallows, DH had horrible nightmares and became physically ill. Although we were in a hotel 150 miles north of Redneckia, he woke me up and we packed and left at 5 AM. We were in the next state before breakfast, and continued our trip without any problems.

No risk of any more visits there. :wink:
Last edited by rubycrownedkinglet on Sun Oct 11, 2020 9:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Sat Oct 10, 2020 4:35 pm

PutMILinherplace wrote:
Fri Oct 09, 2020 5:22 pm
"Hon, you are looking for a fleck of gold in a pile of dog crap."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Melody
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by Melody » Mon Oct 12, 2020 8:04 am

Thank you!

@WhyOhWhy - exactly! And it was a rare morning where we really had nothing else planned for the day and they were still unexcited!

@PutMILinHerPlace - That is sad but hilarious all at the same time. Your poor SIL! I'm glad you put a stop to your family's exposure so early on.

Regarding driving past, the weird thing is that a few years ago, I was the one driving by the more recognizable direction that was a few miles from the IL's house. DH DID say, "Hey want to stop by my paaarents house?". But when he said it as it was already late for me to think about it, let alone get off the exit safely. It seems as though he doesn't want to go either, but needs to find a justification (or maybe even a scapegoat) to not go.

@Rubycrownedkinglet - THANK YOU! And sorry because I know you've been there and get it! But as you know its been a LOOOOOOONG journey to get here. DH was pretty bad for many years having been brainwashed by stepmonster and the enabler to put them first.

WhyOhWhy
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by WhyOhWhy » Tue Oct 13, 2020 7:59 pm

It's interesting that you mention that your husband wouldn't mention seeing the ILs until it was really too late to turn off. It's like he wanted to be able to say he'd brought it up, but YOU didn't follow up on it (so you're the scape goat) to ease his conscience about not actually doing it. (I realize he's different these days...)

I think these men sometimes DO realize how toxic their families are, but they feel that obligation so strongly and want to pay lip service to "trying".

I never wanted to keep my husband from having anything to do with his family. I simply wanted to keep ME (and later our children) from them. They cannot rattle DH very much, so the kids and I tend to be the targets. It took a long time for my DH to see that and to finally start protecting us. These days we're all somewhat low contact so it's easier to avoid too much being sent our way, but it does still happen. Years ago I would have railed back, but nowadays I just ignore it. It does boggle the mind though to ponder why on earth they would bother being in touch with us at all if they have that much obvious resentment towards us?
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

Melody
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by Melody » Fri Oct 16, 2020 9:03 am

Yacky, you nailed it. And it was more blatant in the past. DH would say that we "could go visit my paaaarents this weekend, but YOU don't like my mother!". He would then cut me short when I tried to defend myself. (Because honestly, I get along pretty well with most people).

Finally it got to the point that I would say, "And WHY is that?" And he would have to admit that it was with very good reason, and it WASN'T just dislike and that stepmonster is an enormous problem in may ways including inappropriate behavior, safety issues, and treatment of the kids.

And yes, I really can't figure out WHY they want to keep in touch, other than fear of looking bad in the eyes of whomever they actually care about.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Fri Oct 16, 2020 3:30 pm

Melody wrote:
Fri Oct 16, 2020 9:03 am
And yes, I really can't figure out WHY they want to keep in touch, other than fear of looking bad in the eyes of whomever they actually care about.
Wouldn't that be a good topic of it's own?

I have no doubt that for many of the ILs that just won't quit it is to avoid looking bad to someone else or to themselves. Imagine having to admit that there must be a reason we are working sooo hard to avoid contact with them and that reason *could* be them.

Melody
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Re: Update on "The Next Time You Visit!"

Post by Melody » Sun Oct 18, 2020 10:07 am

Ruby, that or any facet of it would be a great topic on its own! That is an epiphany-worthy topic during counseling. You and Why Oh Why are better writers so I defer to you.

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