Update on Husband's mother drama

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Hiddenjem
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Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by Hiddenjem » Wed Oct 05, 2022 6:25 am

His mom had major surgery.

The nurse sister of my husband opted to take her mom out of the long term recovery against medical advice. She took her home anyway. Then, she realized some factors....

1. she owns a multi story home with no elevators

2. she works full time and can't be at home with her mom and at work the same time

Then, she tried to take her mom back to the long term car facility. They refused to take her back after she had been removed without medical advice. His Mom is supposed to have 24 hour a day medical care. His sister decided to try to "dump" her mom in the home of her other sister, our neighbor. She said no, and that she wasn't medically qualified.

Thankfully, her Mom really doesn't like me and has it very clear so "knock on wood" she isn't asking for me to take care of at this point. It wouldn't be wise on her part to ever wish for this to happen! I am not qualified and my "heart wouldn't be in it." Translation, she blew it. I am "done" with her.

His nurse sister learned in order to put her mom in another facility, she needs to get the surgical doctor's referral. The doctor's office/ hospital that did the procedure is a 3 hour drive or so from here!

The nurse sister of my husband pressured my husband into him being able to drive their mom to the appointment 3 hours away, get a hotel room, pay for the gas each way, pay for the hotel, provide going to the bathroom assistance and bathing services to his mom and provide all needed medical care, etc. He is not medically trained and we aren't wealthy. Plus, the liability of his mom being "not medically supervised" is an issue. If things became worse with his mom, the other siblings could come after him for "elder neglect and failing her medically."

His sister is wealthy, child less, single and a nurse. She is also close to her mom.

My husband isn't comfortable helping his mom with "bathroom stuff."

I talked to my husband explaining my concerns with liability and his limitations versus his nurse sister and her being qualified regarding driving her to the appointment. He could be sued by his siblings for trying to do the "right thing" / clean up Nurse's sister's poor judgment decision. She would be not medically supervised while with him and legally neglected medically as well.

How was she not going to need to use the bathroom for a 3 hour trip, overnight, not bathing her in the hotel room, bathroom needs in the morning, and then the 3 hour trip home? What was his plan for taking care of her on the trip?

He talked to his sister and told her the risks involved in him "helping." The nurse sister is angry with him for pointing out the pesky "reality.

She is the one who pulled her mom out of the recommended and needed long term facility! Now, she has a mess on her hands to clean up. She can't just dump her mom on not medically qualified siblings to cover her misjudgment.

He almost pointed that out to her but he didn't. He let her throw her fit.

I reminded him again that I will not be involved in assisting in his mom's care other than doing research on the options and being supportive of him. She still wasn't welcome in our home.

He mentioned the option of cleaning her hoarded up house and doing the best he could taking care of her in her home such as cooking her meals etc. He isn't okay with helping with her medical, bathroom needs though. His nurse sister lives across town from where we live, his other sister, and his mom's home. The location of where his nurse sister opted to live makes sharing care of his mom more complicated.

The nurse sister really should have left his mom in the medical long care facility where she was taken care of instead of putting the blame on her siblings for her own actions. She could have spent all the waking hours when she wasn't working with her Mom.

I am grateful that his mom has always been mean and nasty openly to me and that she isn't like a mother to me.

The end! Thanks for reading!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

Melody
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Re: Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by Melody » Thu Oct 20, 2022 8:36 pm

Hiddengem,

Hope you are doing well. I know I'd really like to hear the update. Nurse sister goofed big time here - I'm going to guess the motive was to try to save "her inheritance". I hope you and DH aren't having to shoulder any of the problems she created.

So where is MIL now?

Hiddenjem
Nuclear
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Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Re: Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by Hiddenjem » Sun Nov 13, 2022 8:13 pm

Melody,

The latest is the nurse sister in law whined about having to drive her Mom 3 hours to be able to get her placed medical care place. The other sister in law offered to do it but the nurse sister in law was offended by this offer of help. Oddly she decided to act like she was accepting the help but instead decided to follow her sister to the appointment. She wasn't going to miss out on the chance to flex her medical knowledge. Plus, she can't lose her "golden" rank with her mommy.

His nurse did ask for his mom to live with us before she was able to put her in a long term type care center. The answer was no.

The mother of the above mentioned people is now in a medical recovery center. I don't know if she will ever be able to live alone again.

Dh is very moody and not enjoyable to live with right now. I have shed many tears from the way he snaps at me verbally. It isn't my fault how his mom treated when I gave her a chance.

He mentioned he feels like he will be judged for doing less than his nurse. Maybe on some level he blames me for not tolerating the abuse from his mom and cutting her off. It doesn't "look good" for him to be the "good boy."

She was dead to me the day I gave up on her ever being a decent person, to stop doing cruel actions, trying to kill me with cinnamon knowing I am allergic, and the verbal abuse. I gave up on her a long time ago. I am done. It will affect dh because I am not supportive of my lack of interest in her living or dying. However, it is her doing. His mom limited her support system by treating others badly.

Thanks for asking.

How has life been treating you, and family?
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

WhyOhWhy
Infuriated
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Re: Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by WhyOhWhy » Sat Nov 19, 2022 3:11 am

I'm sure your DH is having some mixed feelings about it all, but I hope you won't allow him to take it out on you for too long. Eventually he needs to come to grips with reality. I'd give him a goal post for adjusting his attitude before adjusting it for him ;) I'm not insensitive to how hard it must be for him to sort out his feelings, but he can't act like an injured toddler forever.
*** The North Remembers ***

Hiddenjem
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Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Re: Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by Hiddenjem » Fri Nov 25, 2022 12:16 pm

Update

Dh's mom is now staying at his sister who isn't a nurse home walking distance from our home. She was in a rehab facility to recover from whatever health issue she is dealing with currently.

Dh plans on cleaning up an area of her home (hoarding issue) in the event she is able to move back to living alone.

He went to visit her at the rehab facility and said that she cried and begged him to take her home with him. He explained to her that she needed medical assistance that no one in our home was qualified to provide to her.

It was the same situation she put her nurse daughter in and who pulled her out of the other rehab facility. His sister pulled her out of the other one against medical advisement and it was a lot of red tape to deal with to get her back into another facility.

His nurse sister declared herself as "a hero" and asked for money from all the siblings to cover the additional expenses of care giving for their mother. The expenses were covered by insurance / medicare while she was in the rehab! The nurse sister brought it on herself.

I stood up for myself on the "grumpy Dh" issue when he felt guilty for not being the "best kid because his mom blew it with myself and the adult children." I let him know what wasn't tolerable attitude towards me and what his mom was experiencing from us was called kharma. She created our lack of involvement and lack of caring for her.

The problem is that his mom kept the number of people she was decent to a very small number and it isn't serving her well now.

The favorite grandchildren of hers? They don't care about her. She paid for everything they ever wanted and acting as if they walked in water. She was obsessed with them! Dh used to ask her when our children were younger to try to show interest in them and stop talking about the golden favorites around us 100 percent of the time (before I gave up on her.)

The neighbor sister of my husband flat out demanded that I become involved in her mom's care. I saw her one day when I was taking a walk. I heard what she said and kept on walking.

I predict that when dh's mom passes away that his sisters will stop talking.

Also, his nurse sister who has pushed him, his brother, and sister away with her "being herself" will end up alone. She feels powerful with being a nurse and her mom being at "that stage of life" and her having some knowledge. She is demanding praise, and worship. Her texts include things like, "At least when mom passes. I won't feel guilty." She is being like a kid who wants to the president of a tree house children's club who hasn't thought through what getting what she wants really means in the long term.

I suspect that all of her texts are being blocked by all the siblings except Dh.

His nurse sister is having major health issues herself, and doesn't have a significant other, or children. She is "good at being herself" with her siblings. I wonder what her plan is after her mom isn't here to praise for simple acts of breathing and walking upright. His sister wants to be up on a throne worshiped for existing. When she has doctor visits for her health issues, she sends out detailed information on every issue in her medical care leaving nothing out. (She is blocked on phone and possibly everyone's texting!)

Also, who will take care of her when her health declines?

She has pushed away all of her siblings. Dh and I's adult children don't like her and never did. The sister's golden children used her for money and pretended to like her once upon a time. Now, they are done with her.

Dh asked his brother what role he would want helping their nurse sister as her health declines and he said no role. She is blocked on his phone.

Right now, his mom is a two minute walk from our house while staying with his not a nurse sister. Guess who isn't walking her dog around here anymore again! I will drive to the state park instead for the nice feeling of sanity and peace of mind! Yes, that would be me. I may live near them but I live in my house and drive out of his relatives living zone for any errands
or exercising our dog.

Thank goodness for having a backyard, a car, locked doors, and window blinds!

Thanks for reading.

I hope that everyone and their loved ones lives are going well!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

Melody
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Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:28 pm

Re: Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by Melody » Mon Dec 05, 2022 6:09 pm

That's one heck of an update. How horrible that the sisters are trying to lay a guilt trip on your (or DH). If it comes up again you could tell either SIL that she is NOT your mother and MIL made that pretty clear herself!

Nurse SIL sounds like a crab apple that didn't fall far from the tree. And not nurse SIL sounds like she's getting very overwhelmed.

I hope this doesn't drag on too long. Given what I've seen of DH's Stepmonster, if an ambulance is called, they go to the hospital for a while then to a rehab center. Isny hope for that to get DH's mother back where she needs to be instead of with non nurse sister?

Hiddenjem
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Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Re: Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by Hiddenjem » Wed Dec 21, 2022 4:10 pm

Melody,

Sorry it has been a while since I have been to this site.

I happened to see a picture of his mom in her current condition that husband was texting his brother who lives out of state across the country. She looks very old and frail and walks with a walker based on what can be seen in that one picture. I don't ever ask my husband how his mom is doing and he never calls her or goes to see her. If she would of been decent to me, I would have reminded him and been a loving "almost" daughter to her right now versus indifferent and uncaring.

I don't know what her situation/ condition is exactly. A brain surgery of some sort was done and now she needs assistance going to the bathroom and she can't do stairs anymore is what I am understanding.

Logically, she might need to be a retirement home BUT for that happen she might have to legally sale her home which not nurse sister in law might be plotting to gain by caring for her. I have read a few lawyers websites talking about how retirement homes work. It sounds like she would have to do some legal stuff to keep the house while moving into a forever retirement home.

If she would go back to her house and stay in her lower level that has a bathroom and have meals delivered and have a medical person come in that might be the way this story unfolds from the way it all seems to be going from my best guess.

The nurse sister was drunk driving AGAIN and totaled another car recently. It has been two years since the last time. She claims she wasn't drunk this time as well and somehow talked the police out of testing for alcohol levels. She has some major health issue that involve doing "stuff" with her blood.

Recently, she didn't feel ready to leave yet when she had a set medical appointment. She expected them to still see her and have the blood stuff done at HER schedule because she didn't feel "pretty" yet. When, she finally felt like she looked her best, she arrived at the appointment VERY late. They turned her away telling her office policy and she missed her appointment after being x minutes late.

Now, of course, she was furious!

She posted all over the internet bad reviews of the medical practice and made phone calls on this matter! How she could go to a life saving appointment when she didn't feel "pretty" at the time she would have needed to leave to get to the appointment. Why is it just wrong or what! She needs to feel p r e t t y. Right? And she IS a nurse! She is special right? Actually, she is "special." (It isn't a compliment.)

She called my husband and their mom on a group call for back on the MAJOR injustice feeling quite furious and shared every detail about the situation. He realized how insane she was quickly and put his phone on mute and walked off and left it. He went back hours later and checked his phone. She was off the line and he hung up.

Trashy daughter of not nurse sister of husband had another baby however this time she knows who the daddy is! She knows 2 out of 4 who the dad's are for her children. I am guessing that non nurse sister of my husband wants her mom to change the will to give her the house for her "classy" alcoholic and drug using daughter. Did I mention her new "baby daddy" uses drugs too? What a prince!

The not nurse sister, nurse sister, and brother of my husband all now know that he is excuter (spelling?) of their mom's estate and he decides who gets the house. Our youngest son is interested in it. They don't know this yet unless they are reading this message. Husband's mom wants our youngest son to end up with the house is what I understand from what husband said about their conversation when he helped her with her legal matters / paperwork when she was in clear mind and good health.

I expect what will happen after his mom passes away is that legal battles will happen. His non nurse sister will fight the will as it is written. We would have to use money from the estate for a lawyer to protect the will being respected if that is how it works and she works as a court reporter under the judge with many lawyer friends. The house will end owned by no one related to husband's mom. Lawyers will end up getting the value of the house when it is sold and there will be nothing left.

We don't want non sister in laws moving back into our country neighborhood sitting on her front porch with her toddlers playing in the road. What was she busy doing? Why of course, it would be her normal smoking, drinking beer and cussing out cars for driving on a ROAD. How dare they! How did those children not get taken away by social services?

They used to have the country neighborhood bus stop in our front yard AND we don't have any children. They moved it across the street to where one of the children used to live instead in her front yard. without us even saying anything..

The son of the non nurse sister of my husband lives across the street from us. His children requested to go live with their mom instead of their dad. Now, his son is college aged and over 18. The daughter still lives with her mom who doesn't make her go to school or even come home. She can do whatever she wants and her wealthy grand parents on her mom's side fund her lifestyle. She loses her cell phone? No problem! What could go wrong for a high school girl to have no limits on freedom or spending... Hmmm....

I could go on but will stop for now.

Thanks for asking Melody! I hope that you and your loved ones are doing well!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

Hiddenjem
Nuclear
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Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 8:06 am

Re: Update on Husband's mother drama

Post by Hiddenjem » Wed Dec 21, 2022 4:14 pm

edit We have children but ADULT children. Not school aged.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

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