why isn't it good enough?

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why isn't it good enough?

Postby meimei » Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:21 am

So ILs are moving across the country. DS is 5 and loves them, and my DP were going to my old hometown for a few days, so DS and I tagged along, so DS could see MIL and FIL and say goodbye.

MIL and SIL took DS out to McDs and I came home and was alone with FIL. I didn't want to be rude and be there and not talk to FIL, so I went and said hello. FIL starts in with "You and DH are not doing good enough in life" Now, DH having just lost his job as a college instructor due to budget and program cuts at the college, so that stung. DH started a new job as executive chef at a new restaurant and is making 55K starting out. He is excited about it. I am a substitute teacher, and part time security guard. FIL and MIL has NEVER helped us out, nor did we ask them or expect them.

Then he continued that the only way we can make anything out of ourselves instead of sitting back waiting for a government cheque (WTF? we're both working...) is if DH goes up to near where they will be living and opening a restaurant, and FIL and MIL will "help" with financing and with the business. FIL is willing to do this because he is "concerned" about our financial future. If you remember, they sweet talked us in 2006 to come back to our hometown and takeover their business, that we would help them in retirement financially. 2 weeks later, they turned around and hissed that we came crawling to them and spent the days telling us we were not good enough for them and would never be worthy of their business.

My DP said, they are not concerned about our futures, if they were they would have helped us during the times when we needed it (they did not), DP said that the ILs just want to feather their financial nest by enslaving DH again.

Oh yeah, and he also told me to go to the gym (I am overweight), that I eat terribly and need to eat more vegetables and that I am not good at anything.

I thought we were doing good. Not great but good, 55K job plus me teaching while trying to get full time teaching, little nest egg in the bank and not getting handouts from anyone....I was optimistic for our future, but now I just feel like crap.
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby Melody » Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:03 am

It sounds like FIL wanted to make sure you wouldn't miss him too much :x What a bunch of ahole comments to throw out your way.

You ARE doing well. Teaching jobs can be very competitive - so congrats for being qualified and I hope something comes your way quickly. And tenured teachers do pretty well after a few years salary wise and certainly benefit wise. And you're actually doing something positive for society. That you should feel good about. (I was an investment banker and the traders used to be given pep talks about how they should feel good about "stabilizing the economy", lol - a pathetic stretch paying someone to make them feeling good about making money, lol).

And the restaurant business is tough for certain! But even if this new restaurant doesn't work out - DH has an EXCELLENT start! The college laying him off may have been the best thing for him - so he can do something he enjoys. And once he is situated, he would probably even have the option of teaching a class or two at the old or a different college.

Your DP are right. And I wouldn't for a SECOND ever consider any of FIL's "offers". You already know he's not good for them. Nor do either of you need that kind of b.s. pressure.
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Thu Aug 24, 2017 9:44 am

Your FIL is really a piece of work. The truth is that just because you aren't following the path he laid out for DH and you doesn't mean you aren't doing well. I would consider his condemnation a compliment. I think FILs frustration that DH is not under his thumb is clear.

Even if DH wants to end up in the restaurant ownership business, being lorded over by his overbearing father would make it a hell on earth. Being executive chef can eventually lead down that path, but DH would be free of the hot breath of hell on the back of his neck and would be working on his own terms. He should tell FIL if he wants to give him money to buy a restaurant as a no-strings gift, fine, but otherwise the price is TOO high, so keep his opinions to himself. Neither of you will discuss it again-have a pleasant journey.

As for his comments about your weight...he's an A-hole.

I think you guys are doing great and you should keep up the hard work.
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby WatchingMyBack » Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:07 am

Meimei - your FIL was filling up his Narc supply tank from one of his favorite sources - YOU.

It sounds to me that you and your DH,despite the set back, are doing well. You're both employed, you have some savings, you're not dependent on anyone for additional financial support.

It does sound like he is putting out feelers to see if he could guilt you and your DH to coming where they are and making him an indentured servant to them again.

And ignore his opinion on your weight and eating habits. My FIL once told me that, you know, SIL only weighs 85 lbs and didn't I want to be more like her? Well, SIL is a tiny 4' 10" Thai woman that looks like a skeleton. I am 5'7" and 100% Northern European. I'm not overweight, but I'm not skinny (when I first met DH I was very skinny). The absurdity of what he said let me completely dismiss his snarkiness. And the irony to me is that FIL was overweight his ENTIRE life. And not just a little, but a lot. So you don't measure up to whatever standard he has in his mind for your perfect weight. PFfft on him.

Be happy with your DH and your darling DS. Life will be much better with the PIL gone.

Is your SIL going with them? I know she is dependent on them.
“Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby beachwalker » Thu Aug 24, 2017 2:13 pm

I agree with the other posters, that this is him filling up his NARC supply and seeing if he can guilt you into complying with his plan. If he thought about anyone else besides himself, he would be encouraging and supportive. The attack on your weight is abusive. I think you are going to find life so wonderful with them far far away. Once you are removed from this drama and manipulation, you can concentrate on your own family.

I don't know how many times I did stuff for my IL concerning our kids and them getting to see them and then the whole situation being turned against me. It won't matter what you do or don't do, they will not be supportive. It's all about them.

Under no circumstances would I change my life for my IL, especially when they already showed me who they were and what they were made of. Changing your life for someone who only downgrades you would be foolish.

Stay strong and keep on "keeping on". Focus on your family of choice. Leave the IL in the rear view mirror.
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby meimei » Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:30 am

Thanks for the replies,

It gives me reassurance....sometimes when I deal with them,I end up doubting myself. It seems that no matter what I do, it's not good enough. But we are not going to fall for their tricks again.

You are right, SIL is moving with them. It's a shame, too because she got a nice boyfriend last year. He is going to school and is actually a decent guy. He is an only child and super close to his parents, and she behaves differently when not around her parents. The boyfriend lives in a 2 bdrm apt in his parents house, and his mom told me, SIL can come and live with him in the apartment bill and rent free while starting their lives. She was initially going to stay with her bf, but the inlaws talked her out of it, "oh no jobs in our hometown, lots of jobs in the new town for you, you will have your pick...once you start living with the bf, his parents will expect you to pay for EVERYTHING,you can't afford to do that, etc".

The bf is heartbroken she is leaving. SIL says maybe they can do the long distance thing and then he can come live with her and her parents, but his parents knowing what the ILs are like would not want her son living under the il's roof. She said well, it's just bad timing. I said but you'll be lonely and sad, she said "I've been always like that, so no difference".

But why would the ILs want SIL to be dependent on them, 33 doing nothing in life? I have 2 theories, 1) MIL wants a built in BFF and 2) they are moving to an area with a large Asian population, they still think a rich Asian guy will come along and marry her while honoring MIL and FIL financially and with gifts for the privilege of marrying SIL.

It's sad, she was lucky to find this guy, he is nice, decent looking, educated and from a good family. I can't envy her, while she has no bills to pay, is lazy and spoiled and can do no wrong by MIL and FIL (while we can do no right)...she is lonely and giving up love, and in the long run, likely a marriage and a chance to have her own family.
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Fri Aug 25, 2017 4:02 pm

Shame on MIL and FIL for talking SIL into leaving. As if they wouldn't take her in if the thing with BF doesn't work out. I think your MIl wants a bff and she thinks SIL will maybe care for her in her old age.

Boy, did my MILs similar plan backfire with my ESIL who wouldn't even pause Jerry Springer 15 minutes to go to the drugstore for MIL. Not for bread, milk, or an emergency inhaler refill.

I'm not a big fan of your SIL after some of the stories you've shared, meimei, because she reminds me a lot of my ESIL. However, I applaud your compassion and I also think it is sad to think that she is turning her back on possible adult happiness by choosing her parents and an extended childhood.
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby Yacky » Sun Aug 27, 2017 8:52 am

meimei wrote:Thanks for the replies,

But why would the ILs want SIL to be dependent on them, 33 doing nothing in life? I have 2 theories, 1) MIL wants a built in BFF and 2) they are moving to an area with a large Asian population, they still think a rich Asian guy will come along and marry her while honoring MIL and FIL financially and with gifts for the privilege of marrying SIL.

You might be right about the Asian marriage hopes, but more likely is that they get off on her being emotionally dependent upon them. She just let them know, by agreeing to move with them, that she is still so needy that she'll drop everything and move on a whim for them just so she doesn't have to live her own life without their constant interference, judgement and "approval".

My own ILs have the same kind of sick emotionally-stunting situation with my SIL. They get her tied up in knots so she can't make a single decision on her own. My SIL is 34 (so the same age) and the girl has literally never had a boyfriend. Our theories include: 1.) She knows mummy and daddy would never approve of any guy she brought home (I mean just look at how they've been to ME!) 2.) She's actually a closet lesbian but is afraid of losing mummy and daddy's love and approval if they ever found out. 3.) She's such a complete mental case (thanks to years of conditioning by her wacko parents) that no decent guy would want her anyway.

It's so sad that such sick, wacko folks feel the need to "pay it forward" by messing up the next generation. I'm so glad my husband escaped it.
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: why isn't it good enough?

Postby mamarama » Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:59 am


They want SIL there because they NEED, NEED, NEED someone to manipulate and control . They have chosen a good victim for their manipulation tactics. She needs their approval to feel secure. Yep, she's the perfect victim for them, and an easy one at that.

That whole spiel about them "helping you" if you move closer to them is a bunch of rubbish. All they want is to have some sort of financial control over you guys, and they see now as a perfect opportunity to pounce because of the recent upheaval in your lives. There is no goodwill in their gesture, though it may seem like it on the surface. A pile of poop covered in sugar is still a pile of poop.

I don't get the way these people think. FIL dumps on you and DH, insults you, and then wonders why you won't move closer and become more enmeshed with him and expose yourself to more of his crazy. geez.

FWIW, nothing you and dh do will ever be good enough. They will always find fault. It's who they are, but it's their problem, not yours. Don't make their problems your problems!
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