ILs during disasters

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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ILs during disasters

Postby willthetruthbetold » Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:15 pm

The recent Hurricane Harvey devastation in the news and the kindness and bravery of total strangers makes me wonder how families will help each other in the following months and years. My father helped his family when he was only 18 and joined the military. He sent almost every penny of his paycheck to his parents. He paid for several of his siblings to attend schools to get a practical education which allowed them to support themselves and later, their own families. My mother and her brother did the same thing, sent money to their parents who were devastated by the depression.
In contrast, my MIL stole money from her parents, aunts, uncles and cousins. FIL kicked his teenage sister out of the house the minute his mother died. She ended up basically being a prostitute.
Some years ago, there was a huge natural disaster in my area (would like to decline what is was for anonymity) which potentially affected nearly a half million people. We had our car packed up with our animals and other essentials, had disaster meet up plans for our DD and DS and their spouses and we watched the news every minute to see when we had to evacuate. My extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins kept contacting me to see if we needed anything, offered places to stay and other help. There was not one word from the ILs, even though MIL and FIL knew very well what the situation was because they used to come stay nearby for 4 months out of the year. Days later after the situation was under control and not a word from the ILs, we called them to say that we were OK. MIL and FIL said that they had watched it on TV and wondered if their vacation plans would be affected. I asked, "Why didn't you call to ask us how we were?" and MIL said, "We thought if something happened to you, you'd call us." What?? If we died, we were supposed to call them? :roll:
A couple of years ago it rained in the area that the ILs live in. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, just the usual. Golden SIL lives only with her DD/the FelonyDNiece, because BIL lives in another state. Their sump pump failed and GSIL didn't do anything about it. The water rose a few inches and she eventually called a handyman to put in a new one. She filed a huge insurance claim, saying that her entire basement was destroyed. GSIL called DH and hysterically made a huge deal that she had fixed the flooded basement herself and had saved herself and FN. She made it sound like it was a biblical flood and that she was a hero and oh-so-clever. GSIL complained that BIL wasn't around and she had to develop skills during disasters. It was so overblown and silly that I was laughing when DH told me GSIL's story. She made it a topic of discussion over the next year and when I asked her how she kept from getting electrocuted in all that water and asked for details, she had to admit that she never actually never did anything. She ended up getting money from the insurance company (she threw a bunch of stuff in the water) and had her entire basement renovated. You can all thank her for increased insurance premiums. :evil:
I have some distant family in the affected Texas area and offered any kind of help that they need including providing a place to stay if they want to come to my area. I've seen extraordinary help from people who are kindhearted and selfless.
Have any of your ILs stepped up in times of hardship or disaster? I wonder if any of them show a generous side in the face of trouble when their relatives need help. Mine didn't... but I hope some of yours would.
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby jigglypuff » Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:09 pm

Sadly, your ILs behave a lot like my family. They have never been dependable. One of my aunts might offer help. The other aunt expects her favors to be repaid in full. I could go on and on about how useless they are but I'll stop here.

Sorry about how your ILs treated you.

SFIL and MIL offered to help once when a hurricane hit our area. That actually surprised me and I honestly think it was SFIL's idea.

I will say though, my ILs are 'altruistic narcissists'. Usually willing to help if they believe it makes them look good or they can gain something out of it. Even if it means asking for something later. They'll even push the help on you whether you need it or not.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby meimei » Sun Sep 03, 2017 12:51 am

Yeah....same with my ILs.

Thank God we never had to deal with any large scale disaster in our area, but we did have an emergency and the inlaws showed their true colours...and my DP came through for us.

We were visiting the ILs 5 hrs away and were driving back home. We were visiting family friends on the way back an hour away and the ils followed behind us. The motor in our car blew and caught fire. I managed to put out the fire before it spread past the motor, but the motor was shot. I called atow and we went on to the family friends place with the ILs. DH had to go to workand we were 4 hrs away from home. DH asked fil if he could borrow one of his cars just so he could get to work and he would bring it back the next weekend. FIL said "no, SIL needs it to get to get work term" (SIL had a work term at a place down the road, a 5 min walk away) DH said "can you drive her there? it's not busy at the restaurant at those times so you can do it" FIL replied "no, because SIL likes to go out for lunch, and we're too busy to pick her up then" DH said "well what if she packs lunches for those few days?" FIL responded, "no, she doesn't like packed lunches".

My DP on the other hand, I called my DF who drove 4 hrs to meet with us, he dealt with the tow company who were being difficult as well as called around and got us a good motor at a good price and arranged its shipment to the town where the car was and arranged a garage to put it in for a good price. He drove us 4 hrs back to home and then offered to pay for the whole thing as we were not in a great financial situation then (young, just married, not settled financially). We paid DF back for the car, he didn't want to take it, but I said it would make DH feel proud to pay it back...when the car was fixed, DF drove DH out 8 hrs round trip to pick up the car.

I'll never forget my DPs kindness and the sobering lack of from my ILs as long as I live.
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby willthetruthbetold » Sun Sep 03, 2017 6:45 am

Jigglypuff- "Altruistic narcissists" ... that's an accurate title for such people. My MIL pretended to be generous when anyone was looking by loudly referring to gifts that she supposedly was going to buy someone. Similarly, FIL has told people that he has set up trusts for his great-grandchildren (my grandchildren) which isn't true because he doesn't know their names or any other information about them. When you mentioned your aunt, I remembered that my DH's aunt would probably have offered to help except that she passed away some years ago. Her grown offspring deeply hate their uncle, my FIL so much that they cut off all contact to all of FIL's offspring and their families which includes DH, me and our DC.
Meimei- What a horrible situation to be in while simultaneously learning that your ILs couldn't be depended on. Your DF sounds like a wonderful man. I know that people aren't responsible for their grown family members, but when it's a situation like yours where it's very little trouble for them to help you, and favor other family members, it's hard for me to understand it. You planned on paying back, too!
My Golden SIL made it clear a couple of years ago that she expected my DD and DS to guarantee financial support for her own DD and DS (their cousins) for the rest of their lives. She wasn't even brave enough to say it to my face, she told her sister, my "nice"-SIL to deliver the news to me.
Nice-SIL: (GSIL) says that "(DD and DS) wouldn't let their cousins starve, would they?"
Me: Her kids never cared about mine until now and ignored all their attempts to have contact and connections. They wouldn't thank them for gifts they sent and they refused to answer their emails. So why should they support them?
Nice-SIL: Because your DD and DS have money and nice incomes.
Me: That's because they've worked for it since they were teenagers.
Nice-SIL: So they won't promise to support them?
Me: WIll (GSIL)'s grown kids promise to support mine?
Nice-SIL: Hell, no!
Me: OK, then definitely no.
It's the IL's double standard and hypocrisy that keeps popping up. It seems to be a common thread through my entire relationship with them.
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby Melody » Sun Sep 03, 2017 7:46 am

Awful stories. Meimei I particularly relate to yours - the most token of efforts and minor inconveniences are just too much for them. (But we're expected to drop everything for a hangnail).

I've posted before. I think the worst is when I had DH's first child (my third) and DH needed a minor surgery and had planned to use the time off as paternity leave. Stepmonster made a hug fuss about helping out and invited herself over. Long story short I had complications, and DH's surgery turned into a nightmare and stepmonster draped herself across the couch (so I couldn't sit down to nurse), blasting violent tv shows, expected to be waited on and screaming that my house wasn't clean enough.

FIL finally picked her up but refused to take me and the newborn to see DH in the hospital (he was there for months). At least I had the break. Friends of DH (and now of course mine) took us, and my friend was concerned took me to the doctor (who wanted to admit me to the hospital myself but realized there was no one to take care of three children).

Stepmonster days before she was screaming what a loser she thinks DH is, but now ended up staying overnight at the hospital. Drama Queen much? She "helped" DH by smearing cold sore medicine all of his face (Oh, its not chap stick?) and hitting his morphine button until the staff realized he wasn't waking up.

Fortunately, everyone is well (my OB/GYN noted "excessive scaring" - and she was referring to just the physical part).

DH's brother and wife DID help us when kid #4 was born by babysitting kid #3.

Now anytime DH even THINKS about putting down his paaaaaaarents as emergency contacts, I point out that these contacts are for helping out during an emergency, not creating them!
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby mamarama » Wed Sep 06, 2017 8:41 am

The stories that pop up on this thread after Hurricane Irma should be, well, interesting
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby momjeans » Thu Sep 07, 2017 9:42 am

Heck no.

My MIL is a malicious narcissist. The compulsive giver kind that's tirelessly giving little tokens to bribe others into attachment.

My inlaws only go out of their way to help if they're getting something out of it. Preferably money, other people's things, or at the very least - bragging rights of what "loving, GOOD people they are". :roll:

Of course, the person(s) receiving this help are totally unaware of this. I cringe at the thought of what my inlaws would con people out of, or just take from their homes, in a time of crisis.
Not my family. Not my flying monkeys.
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby anonvent » Mon Jan 22, 2018 10:08 pm

mamarama wrote:The stories that pop up on this thread after Hurricane Irma should be, well, interesting

Ha, funny you should bring that up...Well after bullying me on several occasions (including in my own home) and always trying to stir up trouble in my marriage (posted in other threads) my SIL decided to evacuate for Irma and bring the other 2 SILs and MIL to OUR house. I told my husband NO WAY and that if they just showed up I would leave. No freaking way I am sitting through a hurricane with these people that have caused me so much misery. We were predicted to be more impacted by Irma than they were at the time anyway. My husband felt bad at first but I was like, "Hey..actions have consequences." I'm not going out of my way to pander to people that I know hate me and thrive on causing trouble in our marriage.
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Re: ILs during disasters

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Thu Feb 01, 2018 11:37 am

It's shocking to read your stories of how the ILs let you down in a disaster, yet how they would be the first to expect you to help them in a similar situation. I don't recall that we ever asked our ILs for help. DH would never have considered it. He was raised to be the one to help them, not vice versa. That responsibility was so ingrained in him that we wouldn't even share with them when we were having a hard time with anything.

I was raised to be independent and to avoid needing any help by planning ahead and living frugally, etc. However, I have no doubt that, like Miwako's DF, if I had called my DF when I was in trouble he would have done anything he could to help. And he would have never made me feel badly about it.

The ILs, not so much. MIL was quick to call us for help and with all over the top drama. We sent them money monthly for a long time. We should have questioned where the money was going. We assumed it was for food and utilities, etc for the PILs. Wrong. When ESIL found out DH and I were sending money to MIL to help them all, instead of calling to thank us, she called to complain that her mama was doling out OUR money to her like a child and that we needed to pay ESIL directly so she could spend OUR money any way she wanted.

:shock: And it wasn't enough, by the way.
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