Husband won't stick up for me

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Husband won't stick up for me

Postby Violet7x » Mon Apr 02, 2018 6:46 am

My mother in law and brother in law are so abusive that I have nightmares and stomach aches and throw up. My mil hacked into my husband a fb. Found out I was raped and read and shared our personal sexual info which is sexual assault.

They tell me to sleep on the floor told me she would stomp on my cake and tear my dres if I don't have kids. Her husband is abusive so she thinks my husband is hers.

Husband won't stick up for me and is enmeshed

i told my husband that in public and with his friends he has to support what I'm saying. He said no if I disagree with you then I'm not going to agree with what you say. I said I front of other people you need to. Otherwise they will sense we are divided and pounce.

he says I'm not going to do that. I said you have to find a way to support what I say instead of show others you dont respect me.

What do I do

Tw swearing

my husband thinks that courting me and treating me to a nice day is driving me around and lovingly talk about his male friendships. While not saying a word about ours.

one of them who he is not friends with anymore called me a fat bitch.

he sometimes tells me I'm controlling For not letting him hang out with his male friends. And that he misses him.

I tell him my parents scapegoated me after rape and I can't handle them and he says it's wrong to cut out family.
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby chela » Sun Apr 15, 2018 3:21 pm

I will just leave my humble opinion here.
As somebody else on this site said to me "iI think you have more a husband problem than anything".
Your husband has one job, his only job is stay on your side and support you even if he doesn't agree 100% with you, he is your husband and its his job to support you and be there for you.

You now know that he is not willing to do it, therefore you should look for somebody you will be there for you.
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby merlina » Mon Apr 16, 2018 5:53 am

I agree! You have to value yourself- as a woman and a survivor. You have much to be proud of.
Do not accept abuse from your IL's. Don't interact with them at all would be my advice. Practise a series of cutting conversation stoppers. 'I pity rude people.' 'People who criticise others actually feel inferior inside.' Treat them as you would treat unpleasant shop assistants or public servants. Be civil and impersonal. Don't let them think that they exist as human beings to you.
BUT don't let yourself be dissed by your husband either. You have the right to be treated with respect and given support. Perhaps you should talk to a counsellor yourself. You need to be listened to and given the tools to overcome this situation. Good luck.
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby Melody » Mon Apr 16, 2018 9:37 am

Welcome Violet if you're new here and ((Hugs!!)). What you're going through is awful. I agree with Chela and Merlina. But please try to find a counselor that specializes in trauma. It may help. I would also encourage your DH to seek counseling. With a charming mother like that, I would not be at all surprised if he was abused.

And I would seriously evaluate your relationship - it sounds very emotionally abusive. (And it would get worse if you do decide to have children). You could be better off leaving. (Sorry - and hugs!!).

Please continue to update everyone.
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby mamarama » Tue Apr 17, 2018 4:05 pm

Hi Violet and welcome!

I'm so sorry that you are suffering the way you are and for all that you have gone through. Hugs. That whole brood that you married into sounds like they are extremely abusive in many, many ways, and I hate to say it but your H is part of that. HE IS YOUR PROBLEM, not your nasty MIL, though she gets a crazy award too for hacking into FB accounts. None of what you described is normal and healthy, and you realize that. Acknowledging the problem and calling it by its rightful name is the first step.

You have an emotionally abusive husband and a MIL that finds such delight in the tragedy of your rape. :shock: :shock: That is unforgivable, and it's unforgivable that your husband condones such behavior. But that isn't the problem; it's a symptom of it. Your husband is t he real problem here, because the rest of his family wouldn't be a problem if he didn't allow it.

I highly suggest marriage counseling for you and your H. If he refuses to go, tell him that he can choose between going to a counselor or going to a divorce lawyer. I don't suggest divorce lightly, but in your case it is well-warranted. Whether or not your H goes with you to counseling, go by yourself because you have a lot of healing to do. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN WITH THAT HUSBAND OF YOURS until he straightens up. Children will only amplify the abuses your H and his family heap on you, and your children too will be abused. Your ILs will bad-mouth you to them, tell them how awful, blah, blah, their mommy is, and your children will be taught to outrightly disrespect you. If you have a daughter, she will be taught that it's ok for a woman to be abused. If you have a son, he will be taught that it's ok to abuse women. There is more at stake here than your sanity and your marriage, and the stakes are high enough without adding children to the mix.

Please keep us updated. I'm genuinely concerned for you. xoxo
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby 20years+ » Thu May 31, 2018 8:17 am

I am in the same situation. It has been 20 years. I faced emotional abuse in the beginning of my marriage for nearly 5 years by my SIL who was at that time living with us. Now, post her retirement I am facing gaslighting and emotional abuse from my MIL. My DH never stood for me. Not even once. After 20 years, I am seriously considering giving up on our marriage as I have had enough.
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby MountainLover » Sat Jun 02, 2018 3:42 pm

You are being abused by all of them. Lawyer up and get out of there, far, far away. You deserve so much better than this.
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby angryincnada » Fri Jun 08, 2018 4:08 pm

MountainLover wrote:You are being abused by all of them. Lawyer up and get out of there, far, far away. You deserve so much better than this.

I have to second this. My wife was exactly the same as the original poster's husband. She always chose her toxic, narcissistic mother & father and deadbeat brother and his children ahead of me. I was merely an object to be used for their benefit.

I am calling a divorce lawyer. Your husband will not stand up for you, ditch him. I am doing the same, because my wife wouldn't stick up for me and actually told me to 'put up with' her NMom's bad behavior.
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Re: Husband won't stick up for me

Postby yogiguru » Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:29 pm

Angry, well said. An object to be used for my benefit. Boy did that give me something to ponder.
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