Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

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Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

Postby Melody » Thu May 31, 2018 9:09 pm

My ODD is from my previous marriage so she and DH are stepdaughter and stepfather (DH met her when she was 5). Their relationship has been a bit turbulent at times. ODD is standoffish (its kind of her nature) and especially to her stepfather who has done his best to be supportive. (For the record, ODS and DH - stepson and stepfather - are very close).

A few years ago when ODD got her license, DH all but gave her his old car. We paid for the insurance and maintence, but told her she had to pay for gas. She argued about this quite a bit - and creatively argued because it was a gas guzzler.

So we end up going to DH's brother and wife's house for a coffee/cake thing. DH starts talking to BIL about how ODD is driving and the arrangement with the car. ODD is sitting next to me and says that she thinks we should give her some gas money because its not fuel efficient.

Well stepmonster, halfway across the room, overhears the conversation, and one to ALWAYS try undermine our parenting choices, (and thinks she's some sort of authority even though her parenting experience is token at best) butts in with a loud "She should get gas money! She has to concentrate on school!"

DH TRIES to tell stepmonster, "This is not your call or decision! Plus you never did ANYTHING like this for me". Yet the stepmonster tirade, continues and continues and continues with "Blah! Blah! Blah! I know better! You NEED to give her gas money!".

ODD is quiet. After we get in the car and get going, ODD, in a very rare moment, leans forward and tells DH, "I'm really sorry."

She's never asked for gas money since.
Melody
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Re: Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:34 am

It sounds more like Stepmonster is only trying to be helpful creating a rift by having her DGD’s back and inserting her own suggestions. It’s funny how IL’s can better parent our kids than they have their own. This backseat parenting makes me crazy. They know their input isn’t what they would have done, it’s only “helpful” for their calculated benefit. It’s pot stirring fun lol. Your ODD is very smart and pretty mature for how she quietly handled this.


*I still need help with acronyms, I refer to the index posted and still can’t find some. Did I do DGD correct :) Dear GrandDaughter.? And I google search is slightly helpful.*


We had a case last summer when my Mil decided to take our son out of his “miserable” household and ship him off to be with her two flying monkeys for a much needed vacation from us. We had been preparing him for boot camp, he was leaving us to join the Air Force. He was never interested in sports and he lacked any discipline. My husband would get up at 3:30 every morning to help PT (physical training) our son before he left for work every morning. Our son would jump back in bed after his father left. We got the bare minimum from him and worried he wouldn’t survive BMT. My MIL’s “helpful” input was to buy him a plane ticket and send him off because she felt we were too rough on him. She booked that flight without consulting us. Her flying monkeys helped by taking him in for 2 weeks so they could baby him and tell him how horrible his Stepmother (that would be me 8) ) is. They tried their very best to influence him. He’s smart, he indulged in all the gifts, goodies and attention, and managed to see the difference. He knew life wasn’t as they were trying to paint for him, he was getting the best from us. He just wanted that break and he loved it lol. I don’t blame him.
After BMT, and stationed at his first duty station, he and I have a beautiful relationship and he’s very grateful for the efforts his father and I placed on him. We always had his best interest and he’s happy we cared. He calls me mom BTW, it tears me up and makes me happy that he knows I love him.

One more added note: the funny thing about this is my MIL and I used to chat almost daily. Now that our son has left and doing HUGE things, and has a supportive Step-Mother (birth mother has been MIA), she will have NOTHING to do with me. Lol, crazy My story (and I can share countless more), proves that “Help” from MIL, isn’t intended to be helpful hahaha. And you labeled it correctly, EVIL. .... my MIL has been labeled PURE EVIL in my phone contacts, Lord help me if she ever calls (hell would freeze over) and DH saw my phone hahaha.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

Postby Melody » Sat Jun 02, 2018 9:39 pm

I'm so happy to hear the ending of your story KeeperofPrecious! That is wonderful! And you very much deserve the title "MOM"! Your MIL has an incredible amount of audacity. I'm so happy that her plan backfired - and in a great way that didn't hurt your son, just made things better between you.

As for my"Pot stirring fun" sums it up nicely. Stepmonster has even told ODD that "Ya got to rebell!". Fortunately ODD is mature in some ways for her age (and this was a few years ago), and realizes stepmonster is a crazy, lying, ignorant, drug addict. But I digress...

As for the DGD acryonm - works for me, lol. Although "dear" would imply she cared.
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Re: Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Sun Jun 03, 2018 10:46 am

In a way, they all helped me without realizing it. They were so over the top bad that I didn't have to do anything to convince my DH to cleave to me. Each time my DH and I made the 600 mile trip to Redneckia to visit the PILS we were treated to hours of enduring the choking, ashtray-smelling pigsty of a house they lived in. We stayed in a hotel because...ew.

The ESIBs and their twisted spawn were almost always there, whether we liked it or not. They were loud, ignorant, resentful and so prickly that if I checked my phone, I was accused of showing off my expensive gadgets. There was backbiting, infighting, bragging, lying, and usually a few meltdowns or at least some bloodshed. DH could generally only stand it for an hour or two, then he would start trying to get away. We stayed in a hotel because...whew.

During each visit, some shocking thing was revealed. Somebody had been caught cheating on their spouse. Somebody had been arrested for drugs. Somebody had tried to file for bankruptcy, but it was too soon after the last one. Somebody had been committed to a mental health facility. Somebody had been expelled from school. Somebody had had yet another heart attack, pass the butter and the bacon. We stayed in a hotel because...:o

When the trips got shorter and shorter, down to 3 days once per year, it wasn't because I limited them. It was all DH. He was as keen as I was to avoid the ILs as much as his conscience would allow. None of them were directly mean or rude to us, but OMG the P/A guilt trips and just their company was awful. They were not folks we would seek out or befriend if they had not adopted DH. We were shocked and ashamed by most of their antics and their choices.

On the way home, the first part of the trip was like a debriefing. We traded IL stories, sometimes laughing, sometimes serious. Then we stopped talking about them altogether. We shared how grateful we were to live so far away from them. We were glad we lead a decent life punctuated by thoughtful choices like leading a healthy lifestyle and financial planning. We appreciated that we were responsible people who loved each other and loved our home together. We were thankful for our family of choice, friends who share common interests and a basic level of intelligence and decency, people we enjoy spending time with. We also usually thanked each other for not being smokers. :)

On the way home we often stayed at a posh casino hotel because...:D. We had a nice dinner, treating ourselves, a transition to home. I used to joke that we kissed our driveway when we got out of the car at home, and that wasn't far off the mark. We loved getting home. Our marriage was stronger, our life seemed better than when we'd left it.

Now that they are all dead or gone from our lives, they barely come up in conversation, except when we are making fun of them or remembering how vile they were. We talked this morning about how much better our life is now, without them in it.

If counting their curses helped us count our blessings, then the ILs helped us indeed, whether they knew it or not. ESIL would probably turn over in her grave to know about that :twisted:
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Re: Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

Postby Melody » Mon Jun 04, 2018 10:51 am

Wow! That's really rough Rubycrownedkinglet! Yes your IL's helped cutoff by making things so black and white in terms of lifestyle choices, but they also made it harder by NOT being directly mean or nasty. P/A can be the worst! And I couldn't agree with you more about smoking.

And the self-created drama is awful. There's enough REAL problems in life and the world - that its a complete waste of time and energy to manufacture nonsense. DH had a group of friends that had this dynamic (I knew them tertiarily before DH and I got together and had a "friend" who joined the group after DH and I met).

So I think I know the type - always whining about their circumstances, gossiping about someone else in the group - often who "wronged" who and who's side they're taking, complaining about their "friend"'s choices, sabotaging the opportunities that do come their way, and trying to take down others. I'm so relieved DH slowly dumped them all.

Ruby, I'm not the least surprised they made comments about showing off "your expensive gadgets". It doesn't matter that you worked hard for it. If you want to "belong" to "THE FAMILY" you have to come down to their level. YOUR good choices (health, education, career path, financial, etc. etc.) are dismissed. What you REALLY need to do is (insert bad choices here), because you DON'T have (insert whatever nonsense).

I'm so glad to hear your DH has been on board for so long. :)

"Debriefing" is a great term!
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Re: Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

Postby Nevermore » Wed Jun 06, 2018 1:57 am

" It’s funny how IL’s can better parent our kids than they have their own. "

KeeperOfPrecious, I love this. As they say in my neck of the woods, ain't that the truth!
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Re: Have you ever been accidentally helped by an Evil IL?

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Jun 07, 2018 3:45 pm

Haha true nevermore - “ain’t thst the truth” and “WTH”?!?!?! almost daily.

My MIL of course is the expert on child rearing because she ditched her two boys years ago. She’s taking it out on me because she’s looking to make up lost time and I’m in the way. How can she shine now? Ugh... Now that they’re grown and grandchildren are grown is not time to chime in with help. Hahah. We got this lady, we got this.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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