Future IL Question

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Future IL Question

Postby butterfly777 » Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:57 pm

I am currently dating a great guy. He treats me right. He's kind, responsible, etc. We have discussed marriage, kids, etc. and see a future together. However, his mother is horrendous. She doesn't acknowledge problems when they arise between herself and someone else. She would rather silence solve the issue, regardless of how big or small it is. She would rather discuss superficial topics, like weather, etc., than real issues that come up between people. She has shown narcissistic qualities, drinks like a fish, has had multiple health maladies, and refuses to stop drinking and following doctor's diet orders.

The list goes on, but my main question is this.

If you have a great guy, but his family is interesting, did you move far away once married to be away from them or did you stay close but cut them out of your lives?
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Re: Future IL Question

Postby merlina » Sat Jun 02, 2018 8:33 am

Hi! I think your use of the word interesting here is very retrained!

If your future MIL is a problem and you want to keep the relationship with your partner I'd always say put space between you. (My DH husband often says: We should have moved to New Zealand when we had the chance.) My experience is that people rarely change. Be civil and distant with your future MIL. Sounds like she'll never be a friend. And when you get the chance be distant for real. :wink:
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Re: Future IL Question

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Sat Jun 02, 2018 9:36 am

Sounds extremely familiar. I wish I had known about this site 7 years ago lol.
I never set boundaries, HUGE mistake. I did the opposite, I let her in. She had her charming way of being part of our family when all along she had bigger plans for me. She’s got a rope ready for you. DO NOT TOUCH THE ROPE!!! The rope is that tug of war, either emotional or physical where she wants in and she wants to insert herself with everything. Keep polite, smile and nod. Never engage with a narcissist, no one wins. So let her keep tossing the rope, she’ll eventually see you’re not interested in playing if you ignore it. If you don’t set those boundaries now, there’s no distance far enough for her to not invade your sanctuary. I swear my MIL is in my living room every day and she lives across the country. We had our last falling out over a year ago and her constant contact (daily) with my DH is enough to keep her lingering. Not fun. If I could go back in time, I would have never indulged in everything she offered. She was not sincere, everything she did for us was only her way of keeping close in our inner circle, she became part of our marriage. Let your future DH handle her. Right now, she only sees you as the “GF” and doesn’t give you too much validity. Once you become his wife, you will have stolen her boy and solidified his love for you, something that for some reason makes MIL’s envious. If she’s already causing problems, she’ll get worse and enlist help from flying monkeys that you didn’t know could turn on you as well. I wish you the best. You can do this. Keep things personal with you and the future DH, never let her in and always let him handle her. If he can stand up to her and tell her that you and he comes as a team, and united front, you’ve won the first battle.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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