Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

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Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby angryincnada » Fri Jun 08, 2018 4:04 pm

It has been almost 3 years since I posted here. Some of you may remember me as I had posted a few times about my horrible elderly in-laws and a wife who enabled them and her GC brother, even buying a home for him. I have been desperately trying to save a floundering marriage that was brought to that point by 2 elderly narcissistic in-laws, a GC brother-in-law who my wife financially supported for 7 years, and a wife who enabled her family's bad behavior towards me by choosing them first, all the time, every time. After the events of last year I have found I can't save a marriage by myself. My wife is an enabler, possibly a narcissist, and her family will always view me as nothing more than something to serve them.

I have ESCAPED the madness! In December, following my possibly N and definite E wife's attempts to stop me from visiting my family, I walked out of that house at New Year's and never went back. My wife was horribly abusive, calling my parents all sorts of rude names & accusing me of 'dropping everything to go to them at their say-so'. Never mind the fact she expected the same of me all the time to look after her elderly NDad, even pestering me during medical appointments to go & check on him. But if I pointed that out she ignored me. Finally I just fled to the airport.

Although NFIL died in July 2017, NMIL is still very much alive and well, and the damage she continued to cause was allowed by my wife. Any attempts by me to hold her family accountable for their bad behavior was ignored, or I was told 'just put up with them, they only have a few years left', or worst, I was subjected to emotional abuse from my wife & inevitably some form of retaliation. My wife tried to pressure me into buying the house next door to her NMom (she never wanted a home with me unless it was bought STRICTLY on HER terms); she also said she would never accept any other house but that one because she wanted to 'watch the contractors when it came time to renovate NMom's house'. I refused to buy it so she bought it herself. Her GC Brother finally finished the suite in the house she bought for him (after 7 years) and got tenants into it but the rent she is charging was not enough to cover the mortgage. Her name as far as I know is still on the title. She also refused to buy herself a car and said 1 car (mine) was enough, and felt entitled to use it when it suited her.

After I walked out she started showing up at my condo and at my workplace too. My boss quickly put a stop to that but she continues to email my dad (I changed my phone #'s & email to cut her off). I did try counseling with her but she lied to the counselor immediately and ignored what I was trying to say in counseling (that her family treated me like a piece of property). She lied by saying she was 'fine' with me going to visit my family but the opposite was true - she had actively tried to stop me from going. I also found out that it had always been her intention to have me look after her elderly NDad.

I am calling the divorce lawyer later today. Sorry, this has been a long time coming. First time I tried to post this the site did not work and I have not had the time to do so until now.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby Queenof3 » Fri Jun 08, 2018 8:11 pm

I DO remember you, and I am glad for you! We both had NPD relationships & I escaped mine on 12/29/15. I got the annulment a few months later on grounds of fraud (he was profoundly impotent & never told me. I wouldn't sleep w/him before marriage & never had a sex life afterwards. Oh. He also took me for $15,000. That's okay- I'm healing & have a life insurance policy when the old goat kicks off. And he will. The Karma bus eventually gets them all. Sending you supportive kudos!
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby blue iris » Sat Jun 09, 2018 1:00 am

I also remember you! I have thought about you many times and wondered how your story continued. Thank you for coming back here to give us an update. I am so glad you left and are makng a new life for yourself. Your situation was terrible, I don’t know how you managed day after day. It seems you tried whatever you could to make the marriage work. But now you can look forward. And you can always come here for more assurance whenever you need it!
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby angryincnada » Sat Jun 09, 2018 1:35 am

I don't know how I managed day to day either. Right now I am just taking things 1 day at a time. Slowly I am doing things for myself my wife would not allow me to do because her demands or those of her elderly NMom and until last year, NDad, came first. I am seeing movies I want to see, riding my motorcycle a lot more in these warm months, learning tennis again after many years away from it, and going on an amazing dive vacation after some California sun in 2 months. I am skittish about divorce and what it will entail because a lawyer has advised me that although things are fairly straightforward, who knows what to expect. Thank you for your support guys.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby Melody » Sat Jun 09, 2018 11:58 am

I certainly remember you! Your screen name had caught my attention immediately. I've lived on the border of Canada - so I know first hand that for a Canadian to be angry, it has to be pretty bad.

I'm surprised you were able to stick it out for three more years - it is time to cut the rope! If I were you, I would go with a shark lawyer. It sounds like your wife is a Narc too, and she'll try to twist everything around so that she appears to be the victim. (And it seems like you're already starting to see this).

I'm wondering if you're going to get a "I'm so shocked!" response when the papers come. And don't be surprised if she starts blaming YOU for "breaking up our marriage"- even though she put everyone else first and foremost.

Best wishes moving forward. Keep us posted!
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby angryincnada » Sat Jun 09, 2018 1:24 pm

My appt is set for the end of next week. As I approach this I am a bit apprehensive as I do not know what to expect. Melody, I anticipate the reaction you describe will probably be the correct one. No one in that family has any insight into the damage they have done to me. The thoughts of suicide, the sheer terror at coming home after work.....and God knows what else. I fully expect she will try to blame me and my parents & friends when it is her and her family who have brought this on.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby Queenof3 » Sun Jun 10, 2018 3:00 pm

PLEASE don't back down... and do EVERYTHING secretly until you have to tell her. That's what I did... & it was so much better than it could have been. When he hit me, that was it. Locks changed, visit to the DMV to get his filthy name off my license... etc. You may have a "1-800-DIVORCE line in Canada. Use it. Mine cost me about 500 USD.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby angryincnada » Mon Jun 11, 2018 2:01 pm

Funny you mention that date above, because 12/29/2017 was they day I walked out and never went back! Unfortunately we do not have such a 1-800 number for divorce in Canada. Provincial laws are different when it comes to things like grounds, custody etc, although there is a universal.formula for things like child support and most provinces have no-fault divorce.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Tue Jun 12, 2018 8:38 am

Nine times out of ten when I hear of someone on the brink of divorce, I say sorry, but not someone in your situation, canada. Count every day you have saved yourself from the oppression of that family as a new lease on life. You can finally move on to live the life you deserve, among people who appreciate you for who you are and not what you can do for them.

It will take a while for your grief to let you move on, maybe, but never wonder if you did the right thing. Just a note: Any grief you feel won't be for the loss of your marriage, it will be the loss of what your marriage and your in-law relationships should have been, but were not. That was not your fault, as you did the best you could do to fit in. If you ever feel badly about it, just come back to this site and read the things you wrote. They are true and although you can edit the words, you can't edit the truth.

I was going to reassure you that you'll be so much better off, but duh, you'd be better off living in a tree than with people like that. I second the suggestions to tread carefully and plan well as you begin the process.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby angryincnada » Wed Jun 13, 2018 2:19 pm

One of my dear co-workers once told me the exact same thing you did. She told me that 'you're not grieving the end of this marriage, you're grieving for what could and should have been'. Which is very true. As time has passed I started to think that my NMIL and my NWife plotted this because NMIL wanted me as a handyman/servant so her GC son wouldn't have to. Into our marriage I think NWife saw it as a chance to exploit me so she could help her GC Brother and also use me to look after her Narc Father (She eventually admitted, in counseling, that she EXPECTED my help to look after him even after an injury). Truly narcissistic.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby Yacky » Wed Jun 13, 2018 5:14 pm

So glad to hear you have escaped the madness (even if a potentially uncomfortable divorce looms ahead of you). I was very relieved when my first marriage was finally done, signed-sealed-and-delivered, even if there were challenges to get to the big D Day. Hang in there, and know you are making the best choice for your own mental health. All the best going forward!
~~ Some people really need a great big high-five....to the face....with a baseball bat ~~
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby angryincnada » Tue Jun 19, 2018 4:03 pm

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: I have been told the papers are ready to be served on her. A co-worker who she does not know has offered to do it.

I am REALLY, REALLY SCARED of having these papers served even though it is necessary for me to have a life that I can enjoy again and is not based around serving the selfish demands of elderly in-laws. I do not fear my wife coming to my workplace as my boss has already caught her trying to corner me & promptly banned her, except for visits necessary for her work and then only with prior notice. I can't put cameras up d/t condo bylaws. I do fear 'gifts' being left on my patio because they have been before and trigger me off. The lawyer does not know the whole story of abuse as there is no evidence of physical abuse and it would be my word against hers regarding the emotional abuse. I also fear her showing up here (My home). There is no-fault divorce here so the lawyer used grounds of irreconcilable differences which is the truth, as well. In addition Thursday is my anniversary which really reopens the wound which I do not want.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Tue Jun 19, 2018 5:46 pm

You’ll be fine. You have a lot of people who know the story. Move on, enjoy your life and don’t get involved. Just be happy being single and getting to know you better. It’s awesome to have that alone time. You do far better and do well from here on out.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby Melody » Tue Jun 19, 2018 6:39 pm

Angry - Oh, I remember that angst well - and it was over 15 years ago for me! It will probably be uneventful - either she'll be too "shocked" OR she's expecting it. Either way, there may not be any an immediate reaction.

However, (and my attorney at the time told me this) DO have a place that's not too obvious to your soon-to-be ex to high-tail it to, if things get really ugly until things cool down. That could be a friend or relative's who knows the situation where you can hang for a few hours, or even a day or two for an unlikely extreme reaction. If its a friend, I would go with male friend - otherwise the ex could start with some "I KNEW you were having an affair!" crap.

If she touches you, don't hesitate to call the police.

Good luck, and know that you are getting the hardest part over with.
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Re: Long overdue update....I escaped them!!!

Postby Queenof3 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 5:19 pm

You are AFRAID of her... my God, find a new place, rent a different car & if she shows her face call the cops. I got a CC permit b/c I thought he would kill me. One phone call to the cops & I had a car in my driveway. Ohhhhh, it makes me angry FOR you. You deserve your freedom. (((hug)))
Don't let your fears make you back down!
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