I can't take the passive aggressive tricks anymore!

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I can't take the passive aggressive tricks anymore!

Postby djs » Fri Jun 15, 2018 8:48 am

Okay, as you all know we have been dealing with so much this past year and with help from counseling, DH has been seeing the light!!!!! MIL did her dirty trick of not buying me any gifts etc. and then the wedding in April where I was singled out as not invited to be in the wedding but it was all hush hush so I couldn't complain. Luckily, after we started counseling, DH backed out of being in the wedding and I did not have to sit alone while all other immediate family was in the wedding.

Mother's Day came and having been in this family for quite some time, I know how MIL gives on this day. She always remembered me in the past but this year, I really didn't expect (nor did I get) even a card.

Since February DH has not talked with his mom at all due to another family issue of her selling a piece of the the property left from FIL to BIL in a hush hush way not telling DH. (Gee this hush hush was of doing things seems to be happening quite a bit!) He has barely spoken to her since then and does not know when he will again.

Fast forward to yesterday, DH received a nice card for Father's Day with a gift card in it from MIL. I am so upset! I barely slept a wink all night!

Understand that she is on worse terms with DH then she was with me for Mother's Day! DD had a confirmation in April that she keeps telling DH that the cards are at her house if he wants to come and get them. (Of course it is all the cards from BIL and SIL as well because MIL puts all the money in the cards for us - they don't have to do anything - how much respect does that show for us?) So those cards are still sitting there, I never received anything (a card) as she usually does for Mother's Day and DH gets a card for Father's Day. Hmmmmmm

DH, in the few times that he has had conversation with her (such as at the wedding) has made a point of telling her that it is our family that she treats right or none of us. I feel this card was sent to make a passive aggressive point that she cares for no one in the house accept him!

I am beside myself not for the fact that I received nothing for Mother's Day, but that she is so ballsy to send him a card when she knows he has said "it's all of us or none of us".

Last night DH worked late and I just sat and cried, not for what is being done but for the fact that I am tired of being hurt all the time. I am tired of her looking for ways to make these passive aggressive games happen. I have even contemplated leaving as I am seeing no other way to stop the hurt except for DH to cut even the little bit of ties he has with her and I hate to see him do that. I just CAN NOT stand to be hurt all the time, it has been years of hurt built up and I my self esteem is the lowest it has ever been. Being reminded how much these people hate me every few weeks with another "tactic" is just so awful. I am depressed most days and once in a while have a good day but then it goes back to depression again. This is too difficult, too much work and I do not see a way to make myself better other then to take the people who do not care about me out of my life!

I have always tried to be the better person, I even coaxed DH to send her flowers for Mother's Day, as it is his mom. I'm too nice but once I go over that line that I know I can not do anymore, there is no returning! I am so upset and can't see my way out of this mess.
Last edited by djs on Fri Jun 15, 2018 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I can't take the passive aggressive tricks anymore!

Postby Melody » Fri Jun 15, 2018 10:41 am

DJS -((Hugs!!)). I understand your pain but you really need to stop caring what this miserable women does or thinks. And you need to never remind your DH to do ANYTHING for her ever again! (And don't even consider doing more for her yourself!)

Expect nothing from her and you won't be disappointed. I actually get annoyed when I get something from my DH's stepmonster. (This year I got a card with my name ALMOST spelled correctly with cash in the amount that would almost cover the shipping costs of the thoughtless gift DH sent her). Focus more on experience. What did you do for Mother's Day? In my case, DH sent the monster a thoughtless gift and AGAIN we spent it doing something I wanted - an immediate family outing at a park (we've been to museums, the zoo, etc.). The first year DH foused on ME, stepmonster posted on facebook that she got a breakfast burrito from Mickey D's - and not from FIL. (Who's the loser?, ROFLMAO!)

Don't value yourself as a mother based on a SHITTY mother's opion! Don't mention her name in front of DH unless he brings it up first. Don't mention the card for Father's Day, but if he does, say something like, "Oh, that's more than the NOTHING she got me". You already said it - you need to take this awful person out of YOUR life. And your DH may just start to "forget" her going forward if you outwardly treat her as persona non grada (and I know its hard).

Focus insteadon DH seeing the light! Hugs again and do something nice for yourself today!
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Re: I can't take the passive aggressive tricks anymore!

Postby djs » Fri Jun 15, 2018 2:27 pm

Melody I am trying so hard to focus on "us" but it is so hard when this crap keeps coming in the mail or I go with DH to his father's memorial mass and have to see her face! I totally ignore her barely saying hi and we left immediately afterwards but she is trying to still get to me. I just dont want her treating DH like this and treating DD and I so differently. It is wrong! Am I wrong for thinking that DH should tell her if you can't remember my family on other special days - don't bother remembering any of us?

I just don't want this stuff in my face like things she sends him in the mail. I really would love to just move far far away.
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Re: I can't take the passive aggressive tricks anymore!

Postby Queenof3 » Fri Jun 15, 2018 4:28 pm

DJS: First of all, (((hugs))).... Now...listen to me. Get yourself to the doctor & get on an anti-depressant. What you are describing is depression, and your MIL is a symptom. You will feel so much better. Go for some therapy for yourself as well. Time spent in therapy is never wasted. If it makes you feel better, send "Bitch-o's" little missives marked, "Return to Sender". Depression ruins lives, my friend... don't let it ruin yours. Love from PA.
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Re: I can't take the passive aggressive tricks anymore!

Postby jigglypuff » Fri Jun 15, 2018 6:19 pm

I feel this card was sent to make a passive aggressive point that she cares for no one in the house accept him!


Don't be fooled, she doesn't care about him either. She just enjoys having him around because he's easier to manipulate and she wants that control over him again. She knew she messed up with selling the property to BIL under your DH's nose, so this is her way of getting back on his good side. She's manipulating him through gifts to soften him up. Your DH should be upset and express to her that if she wants to be on good terms with him again, then she needs to include you on special holidays too.

I have always tried to be the better person, I even coaxed DH to send her flowers for Mother's Day, as it is his mom. I'm too nice but once I go over that line that I know I can not do anymore, there is no returning! I am so upset and can't see my way out of this mess.


Melody is right, you need to learn to stop caring. You are not healing your wounds, you are covering them up with bandaids. You also give your DH too much power here. It is not wrong of you to ask him to take a stand and cut off his family if they are bringing that much hurt into your life and family. Why are you convincing yourself otherwise? If your DH doesn't like it, well, tough. It's not even half of the crap you've gone through. You make his feelings a lot more important than your own and that's not okay. This is why you're now in the position you're in. You keep sacrificing your well being for other people who don't give a shit about you.
Bottom line, your DH should have fully cut these assholes off years ago for not only your sake but his own. You have every God given right to make demands to protect yourself and your family. Don't ever allow anyone to tell you otherwise. There are no laws or regulations when it comes to these things. You gotta do what you feel is best for you and your family.

You are giving these people power over you. It's time to take your power back. What you need to practice is apathy. It takes a lot of patience and practice but it works.

She's just doing this to cause you hurt and misery and her plan is working because you're giving into it. You already know who she is and why she does the things she does. Now what? Now you train yourself to stop giving a shit about a person who doesn't matter in your life.

Think of things this way, if MIL got you a gift, would it change anything? You already know she's evil incarnate. She is what she is. So what would a gift change? Absolutely nothing. Nothing you say or do will change a damn thing. You lose no matter what and you need to accept that fact. You want some justification, some result you can be satisfied with but the truth is, that isn't going to come. Swallow that hard pill and then refocus. What matters here? What matters is you and your family.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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