How to move forward...

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Hellishinlaws
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How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:33 am

Hello everyone, first time poster here but have been reading posts for a while.

A little background info, my husband has aspergers and is very quiet. His parents however are quite the opposite, very domineering, always right (in their eyes), manipulative and quite abusive to us. It has been this way for a long time, even before we were married, however they have become worse since our marriage 2 years ago. My husband is an only child.

I tried to have a conversation with his father prior to us getting married about how his mother was with us (gossiping, making comparisons and how she treats her sisters two sons more like her sons than my husband) however that was a failure, but I thought I should at least try. His father just said that according to his wife, I was ‘hard to please’,’too sensitive’ and that she had given up on Me, which was hurtful considering I love her son and do my best for him for several years. It’s not always easy, which I thought they would know, but they seems to want to ignore. His father did admit however his cousins (who we are always compared to) we’re spoilt. My mil tells her sister and her sons everything about us, even when I’ve asked her not to, even causing a potential threat to my life at one point. They are always keen to hear our downfalls and make fun of our jobs and my husbands illness.

Neither of them have their own home, one is unemployed and they both got their girlfriends pregnant, at which point my mil texted me and suggested we should look into adopting a child, which I couldn’t believe. Children were not in our minds at all at that stage as we weren’t married etc. It’s bizarre. They seem to be jealous of us both having jobs and a home.

My mil has said in the past to me 'your health is your wealth'. She gossips a lot about us, and I believe is turning other members of the family against us as they no longer acknowledge us.

They attended a family gathering and FIL had to go home because he was ill. We ran into my husbands aunt and she had a go at us because we didn’t know he was ill that evening. So they were telling members of the family he was seriously ill but when we contacted them to ask what was wrong and why they didn’t tell us, they said they didn’t want to worry us and all it was, was his blood sugar was high (he’s diabetic) and he had ate too much. They also said he was due to have an endoscopy and was worried about it. It annoys me they would rather play the victim and tell others to gain sympathy To portray us as the uncaring ones.

On the other hand, they never ask me how I am and for the past two years I have seriously ill with Crohn’s disease and arthritis which were only diagnosed after we got married. I have not told them of my illness as I know they would not help out anyway and would only tell the news to the lovely aunt and cousins who can do no wrong.

My husband has to be reassessed for his disability benefits and his mother contacted me last week to say they would both help to compete the forms etc which was a relief to me. However yesterday they contacted me to say they wouldn’t be helping as they knew nothing about him and because I lived with him I should know what to say. She went onto to say that what goes around come around and that loads of people have mental illness but to let them know how the process goes.

They whole ‘conversation’ she was almost yelling at me, her tone was very aggressive. I didn’t argue, because they had clearly made their mind up anyway and I’m too ill right now. I’m not surprised but it just hurts that they won’t help their only disabled son and are pretty much disowning him. Prior to getting married of course they said to me that they would do what they could to help us out and all I had to do was ask, not that I ever did prior to now.

I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go and buy them presents etc for Christmas and pretend everything is ok. I don’t intend to contact them again and if my husband wants to that’s his choice. How do you think we should move on from this? (Sorry for the long post)

PutMILinherplace
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Oct 01, 2018 11:00 am

Ok, dont worry that's its a long post. I have a lot of advice because you have a lot of questions so here it goes. I am going to warn you though. You can here for advice and some of it will be hard to read. But if you dont want honest truth, write Dear Abby. I will give you what you need not what you want.
Hellishinlaws wrote: I tried to have a conversation with his father prior to us getting married about how his mother was with us (gossiping, making comparisons and how she treats her sisters two sons more like her sons than my husband) however that was a failure, but I thought I should at least try. His father just said that according to his wife, I was ‘hard to please’,’too sensitive’ and that she had given up on Me,
Next time someone says that you are soo sensitive or hard to please you answer, "Yeah, I tend to be that way when someone is mistreating me or my husband, " Or " yeah I am insensitive to abusive behavior. " I am not kidding reword it EVERY SINGLE TIME someone says that to you. They will become too shocked to answer and will stop saying it.

The she had given up on Me was meant as a way to tear you down. You are not worthy of her attention anymore. Seriously, she is trying to manipulate you.
Hellishinlaws wrote:which was hurtful considering I love her son and do my best for him for several years. It’s not always easy, which I thought they would know, but they seems to want to ignore.
First, they dont really care if you love their son. Sorry, they dont. I know its difficult for people like you and me but they dont.

Hellishinlaws wrote:His father did admit however his cousins (who we are always compared to) we’re spoilt. My mil tells her sister and her sons everything about us, even when I’ve asked her not to, even causing a potential threat to my life at one point. They are always keen to hear our downfalls and make fun of our jobs and my husbands illness.
If they are complaining about the cousins, you know they are complaining about YOU. STOP GIVING THEM INFO!!!! They wouldnt know anything if you didn't tell them. Stop telling them. From now on the answer to every question is fine. How are you doing? Fine. How is work going? Fine. How is the house? Fine. I heard you were sick? Really? Uh, interesting. Im fine. Etc. Be a broken record. You need to put them on a serious info diet.
Hellishinlaws wrote:Neither of them have their own home, one is unemployed and they both got their girlfriends pregnant, at which point my mil texted me and suggested we should look into adopting a child, which I couldn’t believe. Children were not in our minds at all at that stage as we weren’t married etc. It’s bizarre.
So what? Let them suggest stupid and dumb things. You dont have to do it. Yes, it is bizarre but typical of this kind of person. They want you to adopt the kid, spend the money and emotional energy to raise it but then they can still have control and see the kid whenever they want plus, when the hard work is done, the gf and son will swoop in and take the baby back. See it happening all the time. Someone tried this with my Sweetheart of a SIL. She said she would take the baby but wanted everything on paper that she LEGALLY adopted the baby. Oh, how insulted they were and said they felt like she was trying to take their baby..THEY WERE THE ONES WHO CONTACTED HER IN THE FIRST PLACE to take the baby their teenage daughter was carrying.
Hellishinlaws wrote:They seem to be jealous of us both having jobs and a home. My mil has said in the past to me 'your health is your wealth'.


Oh, yes, she is jealous but it is more then that. She cant stand she doesnt have power over you.
Hellishinlaws wrote:She gossips a lot about us, and I believe is turning other members of the family against us as they no longer acknowledge us.
This one is going to be hard to hear. I hope you are ready to hear it. I am sorry, but you are right. She is lying about you to everyone. There is nothing you can do about it. Yeah, sucks, unfair, you name it. But honestly, if they will make a judgement call on just what she says, do you really want someone so judgmental in your life? I use to get upset about the same thing with my MIL when a good friend pointed something out.

PMILINHP, you know the truth, your real friends know the truth, your real family know the truth, and more importantly, GOD knows the truth. Why do you care what a bunch of people who are strangers that you have never met or only see twice a year thinks? You know she was right!

My MIL use to go tell everyone how spoiled I was (well actually the truth was I wouldnt live my life or spend my money the way SHE wanted me to) She would make out that I was lazy and just spend her son's hard earned money on crap for myself. I ran into some people she worked with. It really was funny. Here I was the spoiled woman driving a car that was well over 20 years old that was covered in rust spots and obviously had well over 200K miles on it, I was not wearing designer anything and neither were my children, was going into the food bank that my kids and I had been volunteering at for well over a decade, with donations that we had gathered. They came in and saw us working. The light bulbs started to click. Turns out they knew some friends of mine from my church and homeschool group and were told quite frankly that what they had been told about me was a lie. Here is the thing; My life showed my MIL the liar she was. Live your life. Whether she is shown to be the liar she is, well, who cares. I know this is hard but you have to train yourself not to care.
Hellishinlaws wrote:They attended a family gathering and FIL had to go home because he was ill. We ran into my husbands aunt and she had a go at us because we didn’t know he was ill that evening. So they were telling members of the family he was seriously ill but when we contacted them to ask what was wrong and why they didn’t tell us, they said they didn’t want to worry us and all it was, was his blood sugar was high (he’s diabetic) and he had ate too much. They also said he was due to have an endoscopy and was worried about it. It annoys me they would rather play the victim and tell others to gain sympathy To portray us as the uncaring ones.
That is exactly what they are doing. My MIL did that to my DH and his sister. She purposely told the neighbors (keep in mind we lived next door) that she had been abandoned by her kids and she didn't tell the kids about how sick she was. We lived next door, the week before she was dragged back to hell, my DH was coming out the door when he ran into one of the neighbors. He was shocked to see DH there. DH looked surprised and told him he always go his mother's mail and brought her some groceries when she needed it. He told me later that he understood why his mother was trying hard to get him to leave so quickly. She didn't want him running into the neighbor that she knew was coming over.

Oh, and the next time you have the aunt or anyone, you need to be rude, look at them as though they are the biggest piece of trash you have ever seen, interrupt them and go ..LOUDLY, first of all they never told us and second, just who do you think you are talking to? We are adults and you WILL treat us as such. How dare you! I am so glad they kept you in the loop but they have not told us so just how the heck are we suppose to know? I am not physic I cant read minds. Then turn around and walk away. My aunt always said you get the respect you demand. Start demanding it.

Hellishinlaws wrote:On the other hand, they never ask me how I am and for the past two years I have seriously ill with Crohn’s disease and arthritis which were only diagnosed after we got married. I have not told them of my illness as I know they would not help out anyway and would only tell the news to the lovely aunt and cousins who can do no wrong.
They dont care. Sorry, unless they can use it to tear you down or gain control, they just dont care. I know that hurts and I am sorry but this is something you need to hear and accept.
Hellishinlaws wrote:My husband has to be reassessed for his disability benefits and his mother contacted me last week to say they would both help to compete the forms etc which was a relief to me. However yesterday they contacted me to say they wouldn’t be helping as they knew nothing about him and because I lived with him I should know what to say. She went onto to say that what goes around come around and that loads of people have mental illness but to let them know how the process goes.
The mistake you made was allowing them to help. Under no circumstances should you accept ANY help of ANY kind from them. One, it gives them info they dont need. They dont need to know how much disability he is getting. Two, it is just a way to disappoint you. Here is a tip. Expect NOTHING from them and you wont be disappointed.
Hellishinlaws wrote:They whole ‘conversation’ she was almost yelling at me, her tone was very aggressive. I didn’t argue, because they had clearly made their mind up anyway and I’m too ill right now. I’m not surprised but it just hurts that they won’t help their only disabled son and are pretty much disowning him. Prior to getting married of course they said to me that they would do what they could to help us out and all I had to do was ask, not that I ever did prior to now.
The whole "conversation" was to manipulate you. It was making sure you understand how worthless you are and how undeserving you are. They dont care about their son. I know this is going to rough to hear as well but you came here for honest , dont beat around the bush, advice so here it is. They either dont care becuase of his disability (sorry, evil people like this exist) or becuase they cant control him. More likely its a combination of the above and the fact they dont care about anyone but themselves.
Hellishinlaws wrote:I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go and buy them presents etc for Christmas and pretend everything is ok. I don’t intend to contact them again and if my husband wants to that’s his choice. How do you think we should move on from this? (Sorry for the long post)
No, buy them nothing. Why? They dont care , nothing you do will be good enough so why waste your time trying? I am not kidding. They dont deserve it. Christmas is suppose to be a time of giving gifts (we make ours) to those you want to. So why give one to them? Instead, give to a local charity.

As for moving on. First, stop sharing ANY info with them. Tell DH you dont want them to have ANY private info. If he is insistent on talking to them fine, but he keeps his mouth shut about you and anything involving your marriage. Take nothing from them and ask for nothing. If you do they can hold that over your head. "You owe them," is their mentality. Start gray rocking. Dont attend any gatherings, dont invite them over. You are busy. With what? Life. Just busy. Ignore phone calls. That phone that YOU pay for exists for your convenience, no one else's. If you accidently pick up, talk over them if you must, go , "sorry, I have to go the cats on fire, " and hang up. I used the , "I have diarrea I have to go." one on a realive so much that they called my mother and suggested that she get me to a dr because I seem to have it an awful lot. My mother told me about it laughing, SHE was the one who taught me that trick!

Now I want you to get the following books . Most libraries have them or you can get them from amazon.

How to deal with Toxic Inlaws by Dr Susan DeForward

Life Codes by Dr Phil (dont worry its NOTHING like his daytime show)

The gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.

I strongly suggest these books. They are a real eye opener. they are the ones who helped my husband finally see the light. They will be a big help to you and hopefully coming here for advice will be too. Good luck , hon.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Oct 01, 2018 11:19 am

Sorry, I needed to add this at the end.
You can not change a person's behavior, only your reaction to it.
NOTHING you do will change them. Nothing. So stop wasting your time and energy. Put it into your own life or maybe put it into a charity that you both are interested in. That is really how I ended up volunteering at a good bank with my kids over a decade ago. And I cant tell you how much I and my kids LOVE doing it.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Melody
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by Melody » Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:35 pm

I haven't seen you post before so welcome Hellishinlaws. Sorry you hit the sh*t lottery for Inlaws. That really sucks.

PutMILinHerPlace is spot on with everything. The advice is harsh, but it taking it will spare you a LOT of pain in the future. It stinks, but really, again don't invest any more time and effort into a no win situation.

Don't contact them, don't "remind" DH to contact them, certainly don't waste money on gifts and concentrate on plans and being with people who matter and care. Work a soup kitchen instead of being with them! Book a cruise for the holidays (we did it and LOVED it), although we were so active we slept through New Years, lol. Go for the lowest contact your DH will agree to.

Hellishinlaws
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Mon Oct 01, 2018 4:43 pm

Hi melody and putmilinherplace

Thank you both for your responses and thoughts. I think a few years ago when the ‘adoption’ suggestion was raised, I had informed my mil exactly what I thought of her suggestion, I then stopped answering her calls and texts and after about an hour the FIL called my husband and threatened him that ‘they would never speak to us again and that this is how these things got out of hand..’ No apology or recognition that they crossed a boundary of course, it was all our fault for not responding. Anyway since then I have been keeping contact to an absolute minimum but still trying to be civil, but I think for me this most recent call is the final straw.

I will absolutely answer everything as ‘fine’ and maintain telling them nothing. I can tell this is annoying them judging by the comment of ‘we don’t know anything about him’ (their son) in the most recent call. I just hope in time other family members will see the truth.

I no doubt will find it difficult to be rude to these other relatives who ignore us, but I’ll do my best. I think I’m a bit afraid of making the step not to buy gifts because I don’t want to be seen to be the one to antagonise the situation, but at the same time as you suggested I wouldn’t be demanding any respect if we did buy them gifts.

My husband can see now when I have pointed out these issues out to him over the years (with the aspergers he struggles to pick up looks, snide remarks etc), what they are really like and I think reluctantly will cut back what contact he did have with his parents. I know however the reality is hurting him. He’s a big softie at heart. I feel sad for both of us but it’s a matter of protecting ourselves.

I will have a look for the books you mentioned as they sound very helpful. It’s quite shocking how many people out there have similar difficulties with their in laws. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why there are people like this. I appreciate your experiences and sound advice.

Many Thanks again.
Last edited by Hellishinlaws on Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:20 pm

I don’t want to be seen to be the one to antagonize the situation
Here is the thing. It doesnt matter what you do , they will twist it around to make you look bad. So really , why bother?
I don’t think I’ll ever understand why there are people like this.
That's actually a good thing :wink:

You see we are not self centered, narcissistic, manipulative jerks. We could not possibly understand it. Decent people can not understand evil.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Hellishinlaws
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:39 pm

Hiya

I guess you’re right, no matter what we do for them it doesn’t seem to be appreciated anyway. For the MIl’s birthday last year I got her a bath set, and a few other bits and pieces (can’t remember exactly), but she called up after and said next time she would prefer a voucher. She has also in the past dropped not so subtle hints that she wanted a pandora bracelet as a gift because her sister had received one from her son and his girlfriend. Of course I ignored the hint. The stories over the years could go on and on....

And you so are right. It is a good thing we don’t get this type of thinking, I’m just surprised it’s so common.

WhyOhWhy
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by WhyOhWhy » Mon Oct 01, 2018 7:19 pm

As always, PMILIHP is bang on! The ONLY reason I am doing a gift for my parents-in-law is because it is still important to my husband and he has asked me to help out this year where he has been working these crazy hours at work. He knows I could (and have in the past) say no. He is still trying to "do the right thing" with holiday gifts, and I think in his mind he doesn't want to be the only person not bowing down to his parents with gifts on Christmas.

He knows it's an issue he has, and it's one of the few lingering issues so I give him a bit of grace with it. He's come a long way over the years in pulling back and demanding better treatment (which of course they do not give, and instead slip into the silent zone which works just as well as far as I am concerned). They will avoid us for weeks (and months) while they cry and lick their wounds whenever he demands that they treat us with respect.

It's a bit of a dance, Hellishinlaws, and it takes time to learn all of the steps that will gain you and your husband some peace from such people. Try one change at a time...like start with no more info to them, then get your husband to do the same. Then move on to snappy answers if you get cornered by their flying monkeys. Etc. If not giving a gift is hard (like it is for my DH), then just do something VERY small and basic. Since they won't appreciate any efforts you put in anyway, don't even think about stressing over WHAT to get.

I like to attend craft fairs, so I will pick up a bunch of similar items each year (ie. one year I got beautiful homemade mittens for all of my loved ones, another year I got hand-sewn fabric pot holders). I put a limit, such as $20 per person and just load up on a bunch of the same thing, and then that is pretty much what most people get from me that year (naturally my kids are different as are my besties and the family members who I can trust to keep their unique, special gifts I give them to themselves). Just some thoughts, if you still feel as though you "should" or want to continue with a small gift to keep the peace.

I think we all have to do what we are comfortable with. Any year that I couldn't stomach giving gifts, I didn't, so go with what feels right.
*** The North Remembers ***

PutMILinherplace
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Oct 01, 2018 10:01 pm

Hellishinlaws wrote:but she called up after and said next time she would prefer a voucher. .
At that point I would have bought her a copy of Emily Post Etiquette with a note that said, "it seems you need this" and a bookmark in the chapter about being ungrateful when it comes to receiving gifts. But I tend to be a grade A smarta** 8)
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Hellishinlaws
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Tue Oct 02, 2018 10:38 am

Lol, that’s an idea Pmihp, would be interesting to see how it would be received :D

I like the idea of the craft gifts too if I do decide to get them something. I appreciate the support guys.

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Tue Oct 02, 2018 10:40 am

WhyOhWhy. I know you are rather early on in this process and I understand that for your DHs sake there are certain hoops you need to jump through. My advice is similar to the other very wise posters above. Don't let your feelings and your expectations cause you to be harmed in any way. Like the rest of us, you are saddled with ILs who are not to be trusted to provide you with any human kindness or satisfaction in your relationships with them. Sorry. At least you are armed with knowledge now. There are many sticky wickets you may need to navigate before your DH may be ready to drop the rope. He will want you to do certain things for him, like buy them gifts, but you want to gradually pull back, letting him take care of more over the next year or two.

Oh, the holiday gift conundrum! I remember it well.
WhyOhWhy wrote:He is still trying to "do the right thing" with holiday gifts
WhyOhWhy wrote:It's a bit of a dance, Hellishinlaws, and it takes time to learn all of the steps that will gain you and your husband some peace from such people.
We went through this, too. There were a number of years that we continued to give gifts to the ILs after I became tired of it, but DH felt obligated. In retrospect I should have let him take care of it, but I knew it would have never happened. Then he would have felt badly and been the target of guilt trip manipulation, their specialty.

It didn't bother me as much to give gifts to the PILs. We bought them small things they could use or that they needed. They were appreciative, but the gifts we sent to ESIL and her DH and kid, Eddie Munster, were most often sold and used for trips to the tobacco store or the beer aisle at Walmart. Eddie's gift cards were used for whatever ESIL wanted and not for Eddie. When we realized this fact, we pulled back on the amount we sent. That challenged ESIL, who started crying about not having the money to cook Christmas dinner with FIL, recently widowed. We knew ESIL had fewer scruples than the rest of us, but didn't expect her to so brazenly lie to us. DH couldn't let his sister's family or FIL go hungry or not be able to have Christmas dinner together.

That was the last straw. She used the Walmart gift card (for FOOD) to buy a printer to use with her new laptop. Poor starving family...Never Again. While the recipient of a gift should be able to use it as they wish, it revealed her pattern of lies that she had been using on us for years.

The final thing I sent ESIL the following Christmas was an atrociously ugly $5 photo album decorated by me with her family name permanently affixed to it. She was cut off before she got a chance to open it. I'll never know what she thought about that, but I can guess :twisted:

rubycrownedkinglet
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by rubycrownedkinglet » Tue Oct 02, 2018 11:02 am

Hellishinlaws wrote:I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go and buy them presents etc for Christmas and pretend everything is ok. I don’t intend to contact them again and if my husband wants to that’s his choice. How do you think we should move on from this? (Sorry for the long post)
Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry about your troubles. I have a few thoughts, but they are a little tough-love.

If your DH wants to give gifts to the PILs after they have basically abandoned him, then he can enjoy that himself. He's a better person than me.

I do agree that as difficult as the system can be for disability, it would help to have some guidance for reapplying. I would seek out any organizations that may offer advice for free like legal aid. I would read any information you can and contact the original doctors on his case that submitted paperwork. If your DH is permanently disabled, you both will need to know how the process works because this will not be the last time.

Your DH is entitled to his original disability case file. It will help you. The PILs likely have it or know where it is. He should speak to them alone or on the phone and pleasantly but directly ask them to give it to him. Involve yourself as little as possible, so they will have no excuse to refuse him. I'm not sure what originally ticked MIL off, but it's not a bad thing to take this on and disengage from them.

Melody
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by Melody » Wed Oct 03, 2018 9:33 am

FYI I DID get stepmonster Emily Post's Unabridged Guide to Etiquette for Christmas one year. Here's how it went over:

DH couldn't believe that's what I got her, although he took no issue with it and giggled.

Stepmonster opened it, and shrieked she LOOOOOOOOVED it! The only problem was that she is the ONLY one who follows proper etiquette! :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

It was worth it though, when DH's brother called him two weeks later to tell him that he and SIL were STILL laughing over it.

Hellishinlaws
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Thu Oct 04, 2018 11:07 am

Sorry for the late reply, been having a tough time with the crohns the past few days.

Rubycrownkinglet, my dh reuested the original report from his mother which was dated 2000, which he said he knew they had. His mum got back to him and said she didn’t have a copy but would request it from the gp. A few days went by and there was no word but we were on a deadline to get the form back so I said for dh to Phone the surgery to see if the report was ready for collection. Later on that day his mum phoned him giving off about him phoning the surgery as she had already requested it and it had confused the staff...anyway the report was ready and he collected it from her. He has been on disability since 2000 and granted it for life, but due to changes in the welfare system, he is being reassessed and most people lose their award. His uncle has similar issues but no formal diagnosis so the PIL have been helping the uncle through the process.

Dh has made an appointment with the national autistic society to help with the form and I went with him to help explain things.mil asked me to let her know how things went, which wasn’t too good to be honest so I told her this by text. She then phoned me straight after and said that they would both come down to the house to help with the form and that his dad would go with him to the assessment as he had experience in this (he used to be a social worker for foster children) and not to worry. However they then changed their minds for some reason....anyway I’ve done my best with the form on my own and there’s not much else I can do now.

Melody- I cant believe that reaction, I’m sure it’s a gift that will be remembered for sure :D

Hellishinlaws
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Sun Jul 14, 2019 2:22 am

Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but it was easier than explaining the background of the situation again. Since then, the in laws have been using the excuse that ‘we’re always working’ to make snide comments at us when they do see us and as a reason to exclude us when they don’t want to (which I guess is a small price to pay for some peace) but I hate how they turn it round on us, even when it’s clearly them just being selfish.

Anyway, we have been dealing with the comments/exclusion from the family since the phone call his mother made to me about ‘not knowing who her son was’, whilst denying him help. And yes, he did lose his disability payment as they clearly wanted, but we are still trying to fight this decision. During the assessment, there were plenty of questions which tbh only they could’ve answered too, but instead I had to cover up for them and do my best for my husband.

They always seem to want to provoke an argument when in our company but we just ignore them by changing subject. Now however our circumstances have changed a bit in that (after trying for several years) I’m actually pregnant with their first grandson, due in December and we’re overjoyed. It’s a high risk pregnancy though, which is one of the reasons I haven’t told them yet.

My husband can’t wait to share his excitement, but given how they’ve treated us this past while, I’m not sure how to handle it. If I’m honest I’m reluctant to tell them at all as I don’t want our child being hurt by them the same way we have, but at the same time I know I can’t cut them out of his life so early on. Advice please?

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