How to move forward...

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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KeeperOfPrecious
Infuriated
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Joined: Wed Mar 28, 2018 11:34 am

Re: How to move forward...

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Mon Jul 15, 2019 6:04 am

Congratulations on the baby news !!! You don’t need anything else in your life right now other than to simply take care of you.

Your MIL shouldn’t even be a thought, I know that’s impossible, but she is not important at all. If she wants to know her son, she can do that on his and her time, not yours, don’t answer her calls.

My MIL is dead to me, if I were pregnant, she would NEVER hear it from me, not ever. She is extended family. You are now starting your own core family. Prepare for your new life with your little bundle of love soon approaching. Your MIL is not a part of your family and that’s ok. She needs to be treated as long distant person you once knew and have your DH set an appointment for her to see the baby, only when you're ready and when he’s present.

Babies bring a new feeling of joy. Sometimes you want to let your guard down and share in the happiness. I would be ware of when MIL takes advantage when your guard is down. I’d personally have a hard time with that. I enjoy the walls up lol.. new baby doesn’t mean new relationship with his mother. Nothing changes, she is still the N horrible MIL

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

PutMILinherplace
Enraged
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Location: South Carolina

Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Jul 15, 2019 7:47 am

Hellishinlaws wrote: I’m actually pregnant with their first grandson, due in December and we’re overjoyed. It’s a high risk pregnancy though, which is one of the reasons I haven’t told them yet.

My husband can’t wait to share his excitement, but given how they’ve treated us this past while, I’m not sure how to handle it. If I’m honest I’m reluctant to tell them at all as I don’t want our child being hurt by them the same way we have, but at the same time I know I can’t cut them out of his life so early on. Advice please?

First off, Congratulations! :D

Now for the advice. I would explain to Hubby that while you know he is excited, here is the deal. This is a high risk pregnancy. That means that YOU have to be kept calm and un-stressed at all cost. Period. You need to make sure he understands that mummy dearest stressed you out and could KILL the baby. Stress that word, "kill" You , for the sake of your unborn child, must be self centered for awhile.

Now after the birth. You can read my posts to see the hell I have lived through but what was the turning point for me was the day I stood in front of the mirror and realized that I was all that stood between my child and abuse. I realized I was a mother, I didnt have the luxury of caring or being concerned with anyone else but my child's well being. So Hubby is going to learn some ground rules NOW before it gets really tough. There will be no visits at your house or theirs. This is your sanctuary. You will meet only in public places if at all. You now call all the shots. He needs to understand Mama Bear has arrived. ..and so do you . Time to let the inner B****h out...and enjoy it. :twisted: Hate to be a debbie downer but they are going to ramp it up now. You have to stay strong & firm now to get the point across. They are more likely to just ignore you again if you start off that way.
They always seem to want to provoke an argument when in our company
This one is easy. Stop being in their company. It really is as easy as it sounds. The excuse of always working seems to be working. Make excuses; I am working, have diarrhea, cats on fire, etc. Dont answer phone or anything. Make sure hubby knows he better not make any plans without your input or he is on his own
Since then, the in laws have been using the excuse that ‘we’re always working’ to make snide comments at us when they do see us and as a reason to exclude us when they don’t want to (which I guess is a small price to pay for some peace) but I hate how they turn it round on us, even when it’s clearly them just being selfish.
Oh, they will turn it around on you always. But here is the thing, who cares? Do you really care what people who dont know you think? I use to be upset about the lies my MIL told but as my bestie put it, "PMILINHP you know the truth, your friends know the truth, your family knows the truth and more importantly, GOD knows the truth . And really would you even WANT to be around someone who doesnt know you but judges you by what your MIL says?" You dont want these petty, stupid people in your child's life anyway.

Plus, as time goes on the truth will come out as I wrote in an earlier reply on this thread.

And here is a fun tip. Laugh a bit when they make a snide remark, like that is the dumbest thing to ever come out of a human's mouth. It will peeve them off. Trust me. Its fun :twisted:
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Hellishinlaws
Annoyed
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Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:54 am

Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Thu Nov 26, 2020 1:25 pm

Just an update, At the start of this year I went with my husband to fight to get his disability benefit reinstated after his parents refused to help, and although it was very trying we got an award for 5 years thankfully for him.

For the first few months after our son was born (pre covid) the in laws never really bothered with us, offered to help or anything. Then once lockdown occurred of course they were complaining I wasn’t letting them video chat with lo enough.

When lo was 10 months all of sudden they wanted involved. Coincidentally MIl’s sister finally sold her house, got a new partner and was content which I think meant she allowed mil to be civil /falsely kind to us again. So the in laws went a bought a cot for their house for our son to stay over at theirs (without asking), even though he hardly knows them. Anyway I just let them think what they want on this subject.

We had applied to do an extension earlier in the year and later on contacted some of my husbands cousins (who according to him don’t really bother with his parents) for advice as they are builders. They came over had a look, quoted us a price and stated they would be happy to do the work once the paperwork came through. When we contacted them a few weeks ago to start the work, they eventually responded saying the quotes we had got elsewhere were better, even though they were double what they had quoted. I’m pretty sure now, somehow the in laws have intervened so that we can’t get the work done. We are now having to remortgage and pay double the original quote to get the work done, while they boast about getting a new sofa, redoing their kitchen etc.

I just can’t get over the lengths they will go to to make our lives (particularly mine) extremely difficult, even with their own grandson in the picture. Also, I’m pregnant again and of course they couldn’t care less how I am.

PutMILinherplace
Enraged
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Location: South Carolina

Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Thu Nov 26, 2020 2:15 pm

Oh, no , my dear. You may THINK they just made your life more difficult but in truth they have saved you a world of frustration and hurt in the future.

There are 2 old sayings that are so true
1- You get what you pay for
2-NEVER do business with family..unless...no , there is NO UNLESS NEVER EVER E.V.E.R. mix family in business.

Trust me on this one. If a bigger account starts yelling your location will be the one they pull people and resources off of because of course, you are family. You will understand. I dont care how wonderful the family is or how shiny their haloes are. It never works out. You really have no idea the headache you have been spared.

I know it costs more but it is worth it. You now have leverage with a professional company that you wouldnt have with a fellow family member.

BE THANKFUL. I know right now and figuring the money you might have saved might make it hard, but it is so much worth saving yourself the stress and financial problems that would have come out of this.

And a sidenote: I would put them on an info diet. Its obvious they are gossiping with the inlaws. They cant be be trusted. Sorry.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Hellishinlaws
Annoyed
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Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:54 am

Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Thu Nov 26, 2020 4:36 pm

Thanks for your reply. My mum said that too. I do my best to keep them on an info diet, I’m pretty expert now at keeping my mouth shut which they don’t like. I guess I was just annoyed today at them kind of gloating over getting one over on us as such, they’re only happy when they know they’re keeping us down and trying to rub our faces In it to try and make us unhappy (particularly me). It’s also annoying that it’s ok for all other family members to thrive and improve but not us. They still ignore my health issues too, but highlight others, making me feel like I don’t matter. My uncle just died last month with lung cancer and they do not care how me or my family are coping. I should be used to this treatment by now, but it still hurts when they show a different face to others.

PutMILinherplace
Enraged
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Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:46 am
Location: South Carolina

Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Thu Nov 26, 2020 5:05 pm

A few quick things

First if and when they call to apologize and make up some apology/excuse this is where you will get a bit...evil :twisted: You go, "Oh no. Dont apologize. I am so thankful. I was trying to think of a way to not hire you anyway. You know, the whole business should not mix with family thing. It was such a big relief. You took a lot of stress off me." Seriously, THATS how you play it off.

Now, I want you to think for a minute. How pathetic a life must be that they get joy....yes joy out of causing others misfortune. Really think about that. I am not kidding. How truly pathetic your life must be if THAT is how you get your joy, causing misfortune. Can you think of a more miserable life?

Let me pose a question to you. Are you hurt when the cashier at Walmart doesnt show a lot of caring if you mention that your uncle died? THAT is the attitude you need to train yourself to have with them. They really are nothing to you. You have to make yourself not care. They are not worth it.

And they are NOT keeping you down. You are already above them. I am talking intellect, happiness, emotional security. Laugh about that for a min. They actually think that really do you a favor ...keeps you down? What? How does that keep you down? Oh, is there no more else who can do the work? Laugh. Really laugh about them. (It helps trust me . to physically laugh at them does help)
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Hellishinlaws
Annoyed
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:54 am

Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Thu Nov 26, 2020 5:49 pm

No danger of an apology from them, we just ignored them after their response. Your point of view is interesting, they must be miserable, it’s true, it’s a shame others don’t see it though, instead they just hate on us and think we’re weird.

You’re right about not caring as such, I’m too soft and caring and expect others to be I guess sub consciously. It’s something I do need to work on when I’m not naturally that way. Perhaps I should try laughing or something to deal with it, it’s tough.

PutMILinherplace
Enraged
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Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 10:46 am
Location: South Carolina

Re: How to move forward...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Fri Nov 27, 2020 1:56 pm

I’m not naturally that way.
Neither was I . But I learned to toughen up. That was hard on me. My DH who was still a DUH at the time even made a comment that when he left for work that morning it was if he came home to a totally different person. My mother said it was as if a light switch was flipped. It really freaked out a lot of family members. I have not shared what happened to me that day except to those of you on this forum. Its anonymous and I dont know of anyone I know personally on here so I figured it was ok.

I dont suggest what I did to get there. I dont know how to explain how to do it. You have have to decide, "Thats it. I will not care." And then you dont. I focused on my kids. I knew I had to get tough and not waste energy or emotion on anyone else because it takes from my kids. I am sorry. I really dont know how to explain it.
You cant set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

WhyOhWhy
Fuming
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Re: How to move forward...

Post by WhyOhWhy » Sat Nov 28, 2020 4:57 pm

Sorry to hear that you'll need some financial help with your repairs, but realize that your "family" likely never had any intentions of doing the work for what they originally "quoted". It actually sounds like they were setting you up for this disappointment from the beginning. I think you need to reset your mindset about family. Instead of looking at it as family letting you down, stop expecting them to help in any way. You will live a much happier life that way.
*** The North Remembers ***

Hellishinlaws
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Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:54 am

Re: How to move forward...

Post by Hellishinlaws » Sat Nov 28, 2020 5:37 pm

Thanks for your replies. I’m struggling to deal with the attacks from my in laws, financially we’ve lost so much because of them and are entirely isolated thanks to them. I’m really finding it tough to deal with all this whilst 4 months pregnant and not really mentally able to look after my son any more as I’m drained. My family won’t say anything to the in laws ever about their treatment of me and that hurts me deeply also. My mum is always afraid I’ll offend them or hurt their feelings if I do anything impolite. As much as I try not to care, they usually find another way to hurt me and I end up feeling as angry and as annoyed as ever.

I’m also under a lot of stress to complete the extension on our home before this baby is born, which realistically may not happen on time. financially it’s doable but not ideal and really I’m not fit to move home. I want to complete the works to prove the in laws didn’t get what they wanted but it is a difficult time and will be a challenge for sure. My 11 month old is also quite a difficult baby and struggles to sleep which doesn’t help either. It’s tough being alone in this battle, I wonder what I did to deserve this treatment whilst in such a vulnerable place.

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