She's getting older but less even mature

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She's getting older but less even mature

Postby Melody » Sun Feb 17, 2019 6:50 pm

This is on the petty side, but I'm so tired of the P/A bitchiness.

Stepmonster and FIL used to pressure DH to buy her gifts for every freakin' occasion, and they she would complain that they weren't good enough. The flowers aren't "fragrant" enough, the chocolate was not from Belgium, the jewelry and perfume were cheap. It got the point where his "parents" would make him cry.

I ended up putting my foot down, and repeating ad nauseum, "Valentine's Day is for LOVERS and not STEPMOTHERS".

And so the gifts stopped but he still forced the kids to send her a card.

Well this year, a card addressed to the four kids (yea went all out) arrived. Meanwhile, two are in college, but she's never shown an interest in contacting them. Then there is a second card addressed only to DH.

She's played games like sending me a month late birthday card with my name completely butchered (even though she's able to spell her niece with the same name without an issue).

Is there anyway to read into this other than, "Happy Valentine's Day to EVERYONE except Melody? I know SHE'S the reason I don't get gifts anymore!"

I don't care much but I wish DH would see this as yet another immature bitch move to try to manipulate. Thanks for reading!
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby Hiddenjem » Sun Feb 17, 2019 7:40 pm

I see the same message that you do.
Last edited by Hiddenjem on Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby jigglypuff » Sun Feb 17, 2019 7:57 pm

She's played games like sending me a month late birthday card with my name completely butchered (even though she's able to spell her niece with the same name without an issue).

Is there anyway to read into this other than, "Happy Valentine's Day to EVERYONE except Melody? I know SHE'S the reason I don't get gifts anymore!"

I don't care much but I wish DH would see this as yet another immature bitch move to try to manipulate. Thanks for reading!


If he doesn't see through that, then he's as blind as a bat. I don't know how people can overlook something so blatantly obvious. I mean, does MIL have some sort of memory loss where she only forgets you exist every year? How does he rationalize this stuff?

My MIL began ignoring me on my birthday after I had a fallout with ESIL and EBIL. Well, the ILs always kind of ignored my bday. If my bday wasn't a day before EBIL's, I probably would have never heard anything from the ILs about it. Yet they heard from me for every bday, holiday and special event. Just goes to show how much value we hold in their lives.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby Melody » Mon Feb 18, 2019 8:58 am

Thank you Hiddengem and Jigglypuff! Although I am sorry its a misery loves company - as in THEY are all miserable! I'm relieved when I'm "forgotten".

I DID end up saying something to DH to the effect that "It looks like stepmonster is feeling better since she's back to her P/A nastiness". At first he didn't know what I was talking about. I then mentioned the cards which he said that I didn't realize I saw (they were more in his working area but I was there helping one of the kids with a project).


He then told me that they arrived a number of days ago, and that his thought was "What is this B.S.?" and he didn't feel like opening them. WELL YEA!!! I think he finally gets it! And she has written super bitchy letters to him essentially saying that it was partially her fault (as close as we will EVER get to an apology for all her stunts)….. That he is a screw up. (He's most certainly NOT!). His father feel bad for him because he was adopted. Although he's had his self-esteem crushed by a total See You Next Tuesday!
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Mon Feb 18, 2019 10:26 am

Seriously?! IMHO Valentines Day is for Sweethearts, married or not, and for kids. It isn't for aging parents and adult children to exchange sentiments. I get the parent/little kid exchange and the GPs and little GCs. That's sweet, I think. But for aging parents to expect to exchange cards and gifts with their grown children is not anything I've ever experienced.

My bestie and her DM used to get together for lunch on Valentines Day but that was because her DM was a widow and it was a difficult day. Bestie still did dinner out with her husband. She usually made their kids their favorite dessert to eat with the babysitter or when they were teens, with a delivery pizza.

It seems that the worst feelings with our ILs are when we don't meet their expectations. And their expectations are just...impossible. Do you sometimes wonder if we dotted all the I's and crossed all the T's, doing everything they could want, would they still find something to complain about? Probably.

Kudos to your DH Melody for giving the SMILs Valentines cards the consideration they deserve..almost none.
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby Melody » Mon Feb 18, 2019 1:39 pm

Thank you Ruby, so true! Kind of creepy weird and overstepping. DH has even commented about how FIL can't get rid of her. Well its not fair to make that OUR problem! It really seems like the ONLY intent of sending stupid cards is to try to hurt. What a convoluted waste of energy!

Your Bestie's tradition was sweet! I hope her hubby was understanding and this didn't disrupt THEIR plans.
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby WhyOhWhy » Tue Feb 19, 2019 4:41 pm

Good to see he's starting to figure it out a bit. Most correspondence comes through me, so I examine everything first before anyone sees anything. If my MIL has left out anyone or been blatantly showing favoritism through "gift giving", I choose whether or not the kids get whatever came for them or not. I won't let my children see any of their siblings slighted and think that it is normal, appropriate, or loving behavior. A lot of times, we just get a lump sum of money sent for all of us to divvy up to everyone, which we tend to use towards bills. Later on, if we see something the kids want when we are out shopping, I'll pick it up and mention that it came from the funds that their grandparents sent. I make sure everyone gets something on that shopping trip and I make sure everyone feels that they all got a "fair" and "equal" amount of items that day, and that they know it was purchased with money from their grandparents.

My children are all old enough to know the truth of the past behaviors of my husband's FOO, and we talk about how people can be both generous with money while also being toxic to be around. We talk about the dichotomy of people, how no one is a two-dimensional person, that everyone has good and bad traits and to just be aware of them.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby Melody » Wed Feb 20, 2019 10:54 am

Good strategy WhyOhWhy. I don't care that she pulls this crap with me, but its unacceptable with the kids. The ILs never send packages, but I would probably do what you said (especially after you said it). I've never opened cards, but found out afterwards that the cash amounts to the kids for their birthdays were all quite different. It was a serious problem when we used to go there for Xmas (shudder) and the favoritism was blatant. Thankfully DH FINALLY sees it doesn't drag us up there anymore.

DH finally opened the card and it and it turns out it WAS addressed to both of us on the inside of the card. She knows just how to push it far enough and skirt the edge of cut-off. So why address it to DH only if it was for "both" of us? Manipulative b*tch.
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Feb 20, 2019 5:29 pm

It seems like she wanted you to complain to DH about it then have it turn out to be fine, therefore making YOU seem like the problem.

Yeah, I think I've said before in a previous post about her that she is either sort of clueless or she plays really deep, a super manipulator. This incident feels like the latter, for sure.

My ESIL tried several ways of addressing letters to us. First to DH by name, then to Kinglet Family, (highlighted) then using the return labels that I had printed myself to give to the PILs. Never did ESIL write my name. She and CluelessBIL also specifically didn't mention my name in any of the correspondence or calls.

I had already cut them all off at that point and the only thing I sent them was a package, block-letter addressed with "The Cluelesses" on it. No note inside, no return address, no acknowledgement of them or me at all. Maybe they followed my lead. DH never even noticed, but I'm sure he doesn't play that deep.
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby WhyOhWhy » Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:19 am

Melody wrote:DH finally opened the card and it and it turns out it WAS addressed to both of us on the inside of the card. She knows just how to push it far enough and skirt the edge of cut-off. So why address it to DH only if it was for "both" of us? Manipulative b*tch.


Yup, that's exactly why! She can claim innocence if it were ever brought up ("Oh, it was an oversight! Her name is on the INSIDE! I can't BELIEVE she is attacking me and trying to make me out to be a bad guy! I included her!"). BUT, she and you BOTH know exactly how you interpret it, what the actual message is here. It's very sly, devious, and manipulative. SO passive-aggressive, and SO something my own MIL would do.

I've had to work hard to get hubs to understand the subtleties of WomanSpeak and passive-aggression. It's harder for him to see it, because he has such a good heart and always tries to see the good in people (which is how his family has managed to get away with being so toxic to him in the first place all this time - because he forgives, or doesn't fully "see it" in the first place because he only wants to think of people as having good intentions).

Now after so many years of me explaining (sometimes in great and exhaustive detail) why such acts ARE passive-aggressive and that they are NOT just "accidents" or "oversights", he finally sees it. He actually will often pick up on it before I do these days LOL
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby Melody » Thu Feb 21, 2019 9:22 am

@Ruby - Thank you! I'm happy for you that you don't have to deal with this sector of IL's. What a dysfunctional mess. I'll never understand how people like this waste their time on all the wrong - and most shallowest - of things. Granted opportunities may be limited, but of they put even half the effort in, they might be able to hold down a decent job or even become the mayor of Redneckia.

Stepmonster is always either the "victim" (when she does something wrong - like her felony charges for stealing from the insurance company then being caught) OR the "hero" (when she gets away with it - "I was fighting for everyone!" - barf emoji )

DH and I used to argue constantly about whether stepmonster was stupid (his take) or evil (my take). Given that when he saw the latest cards HE said he thought, "what is this B.S."? and "I'm not playing her games." He seems to have finally come around to her being evil.


DH has told me many stories of both stepmonster and FIL being "tit for tat" about nonsense, as well as P/A stories such laughing at a neighbor with mental issues, and raking and throwing leaves over into another neighbor's yard. As a teenager when DH refused to do this, his father punched him!

@WhyOhWhy - Thank you. I'm sorry you so clearly relate! Although, stepmonster is no woman - she's a classic succubus.

My DH also likes to see the good in people. I am sickend by all the years of "but stepmonster MEANT well". Ughh! And puke, "She was abused! She had a neglectful childhood." Meanwhile, this same b*tch complains that she was a much better ballerina then my daughter, a much better cheerleader than my other daughter, and traveled to Europe all the time as a child and still does (still a child too, lol!).

Her father couldn't have been kinder to ALL FOUR of my kids (treating the equally) and to DH and I. (I had a number of long talks with him - he had a near-monopoly on a product. No higher education but brilliant business man and very generous gift giver). So WTF her problem is I don't know/don't care anymore. But I am SOOOOO relieved DH finally sees it!
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Feb 21, 2019 1:46 pm

Melody ~

I feel your frustration. My H received a letter from his mother about a year ago that he will never read, he handed it for me to read because he couldn’t get passed the first paragraph. In this letter she starts with, “This is not intended to hurt you blah blah blah, know that I love you and that I always have”.

I don’t know any mother who has said to their kids, “I have always loved you”, I mean that’s just a given or should be.

Anyway, the letter was full of everything passive aggressive and turning everything around back on my H. She made that entire letter about how “he hurt her”. I can poke holes and debunk every situation she mentioned. It was two pages of detailed instances, enough to grip on to and find argument and enough to understand that she is highly delusional or plain evil. All it spelled out to me is she’s a miserable old shrew with nothing better than to stir up BS in order to stay relevant. She refuses to take ownership of anything she has done wrong. Like most of us, if our children came to us with something we have done that caused them grief or hurt, I’m pretty sure we would take that into consideration and find a way to repair it. Not this one, she will be the martyr, poor me victim until her dying days.

I recently wrote my MIL. I placed it in a red envelope that she should have received the day of or before Valentine’s Day lol.. inside, I stuck a sticky note that says, _________’s copy. I made it appear that she has a copy and there are other’s, she doesn’t need to know that I am the only one with that copy ha! I have thought about sending it to the rest of the family, but I left that alone. By her thinking that there’s more will get her to read it in order to know what “others” might be reading. I had to be slick about it. I can guarantee she sent it to numero uno FM aunt to read and help her with, since she’s the backbone and evil accomplice.

This is only a snipit of the letter I wrote:

I started by saying, “I am only going to address this once, there is no need to bring this up again, any further communication will be directly through group messaging, and speaker phone with my husband always present.”

We were subjected to a highly calculated and well executed form of triangulation. I have removed myself from your triangle, hence the need for my husbands presence. Everything will be transparent from this day forward.

The purpose of this letter is to reach an understanding and respect. The next family gathering in the not too distant future will be more successful than the last. (There are no plans for a gathering but this gets her hooked).

You and I are not friends, shame on me if I am to be convinced otherwise. I do not have the right to control your faulty perception of me, you are entitled to your reality. Your anger is not my responsibility.

SS, DH and I are committed to our relationship in this family, all we require from you is for you to be happy. We ask that the others support our family as we progress.... it’s a simple request. I am forever devoted to be DH’s wife, and SS’s Mom, requires and the one he needs. You are DH’s birth mother and will be treated and respected as such. (Slight dig since she didn’t raise my H, however she once needed to point out that I am not blood to my SS).


Now that I have done this, I feel so much better. My DH will not ask her if she’s received it, he doesn’t want to get in the middle, and besides, she will deny ever receiving it. It doesn’t matter, I said what I had to say to her and I feel good about it. I know her all too well, she will NEVER mention it because she is waiting for my DH to bring it up. That’s her game and that’s ok, I know I sent it and I know she’s received it.

My birthday is coming up and little things like that and holidays makes it so much easier to not expect a card. She hasn’t sent any cards for our anniversary, Christmas etc. to try and show how upset she is. She’s full of crap, she IS the bad guy here and now with my little letter of permission to not send cards because we ain’t friends, puts her in a different spot. I called her out.

What MIL doesn’t know is that in the past, if she had sent me a card, that would have really been a head trip on me. It would have placed me in a position to have to thank HER and be nice to her. Her hate for me is that intense that she just won’t acknowledge me. If only she had known how worse for me it would have been had she sent anything lol..

Added in: My H will never address his mother the way he needs to in order for her to stop being so ugly and nasty. I took it upon myself to excuse myself from her games. I didn’t mince words and fortunately I have my H’s backing with the letter. All he knows is this is a “bury the hatchet” on my terms not hers letter that works for me. He’s good with it.

Is this something that would work for you?

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby Melody » Fri Feb 22, 2019 9:42 am

Thank you Keeper. You get it, although I don't think in my case a letter would work. And I'd be concerned that FIL - the enabler - would get it instead. Then he'd have written "proof" of the "attack" on his poor victimized (puke) wife. Stepmonster's own writing is barely literate. Everything is one ridiculous run on sentence - similar to how she speaks.

Although DH had mentioned to me that maybe I SHOULD send his stepmonster a valentine's day card from JUST me because she would "freak out", lol.

I avoid her like the plague. But unfortunately, I do get stuck seeing her in person at OTHER relative's events. DH's Aunt does a GREAT Easter and his favorite cousin does a GREAT Christmas day. Stepmonster doesn't always attend - because it isn't all about her, but sometimes she does. I do my best to ignore her but she sometimes slobbers on my kids before blabbing relentlessly about her boring existence.

DH tells me she's scared of me :D . Part of that is because I flipped everything around on her when she DOES start to insult him, to the point she doesn't do it in public anymore. For example she relentlessly put him down for liking comic books. Well I took some truth but laid it on really thick. "When DH and I were invited to a (high falutin) charity event, he reluctantly (because stepmonster you've been such a condescending BITCH) brought up comics. Well it turned out that EVERY CEO at our table was excited by it and DH lead the conversation for an hour!"

Regarding "burying the hatchet", stepmonster has told DH that she wants things to be back to the way they were. I laughed when DH told me this and told him that, "Of course she does! She wants us back to kissing her @ss, and buying her gifts and putting up with all her crap without complaining! What has she offered to do differently?"
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Re: She's getting older but less even mature

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Sat Feb 23, 2019 9:13 am

Melody ~

Lucky for me, my FIL is a mousy little man with no backbone lol. Poor man heads to the bar all day every day and avoids her too.

Like you said about your SMIL, my MIL has said the exact same words, “I want things the way they were before”. She has said this every time it benefits her. It’s so funny and immature like the heading of your post, they are so immature like little kids that promise to be good if they get something.

Rewards and our Precious time are over hahah. It’s incredible.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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