To RSVP or to NOT RSVP *Updatex2

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To RSVP or to NOT RSVP *Updatex2

Postby rdavis3 » Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:51 am

Hey everyone! Need some quick opinions and thoughts about a current situation.

So my daughter just turned 1 yesterday! So happy for her milestone accomplishments, but so happy the party planning process is OVER for now lol. We decided that we weren't going to invite my FIL. All fine and good. A few weeks ago, my FIL said some stupid stuff to my husband. My husband basically brushed it off, and hasn't said anything to him since. FIL has not reached out either. I figured (yesterday) because of baby's birthday, he would at least reach out and wish her a Happy B-day. NOTHING. Kinda bizarre considering it's his granddaughter. Not the end of the world, but surprising.

So on Thursday of this past week, I we got a wedding invitation from his Dad, for his upcoming June wedding. Not a local wedding. This guy doesn't care about us, so my feeling is that I don't want to waste any money or time going to this wedding. My husband is kinda on the same page, and agrees we shouldn't HAVE to go, but he sometimes feels like since it's his Dad he SHOULD be going. I made it clear, I'm not going, so if he's gonna go, he can take the baby (which he won't-too much work lol) or he can go solo. None of that appeases him. So with that being said......

Am I the worst of the worst if I just send this RSVP card back with regrets and move on from the subject--or wait this out? His family in general is sort of a sore subject for me since they've done a lot of crap to us so I just assume send it on it's way and move on with our lives and topic of convos. So I'm interested to see what you guys think!

Thanks!
Last edited by rdavis3 on Mon Mar 04, 2019 9:59 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Mon Feb 25, 2019 10:15 am

If you send the card back with regrets and your DH decides he will go, it'll create all kinds of drama for you. If you don't send the card at all and he gets flack over no reply, it'll create drama for you too.

I'd give the card to your DH and tell him to send it when he decides if he is going. There is no question that you are going too. If he's anything like my DH, he will set the card aside and forget to RSVP altogether, and the ensuing drama will be HIS, to have and to hold. Maybe it will help him detach just a little more than he is already. Hope so.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby Melody » Mon Feb 25, 2019 11:04 am

Ruby is spot on, HOWEVER, you have a "fussy" baby, right? (and I'm betting she's NOT). PERFECT excuse! Your daughter's milestone birthday wasn't even on FIL's radar. Some men are fantastic with babies and young children (my DH is one) but I'm guessing you could say just about anything and FIL wouldn't know any better. It sounds like he's in his own little world. Then going forward she has all kid's parties! YEA!

Traveling with small children can actually be fun. I've done it and for the most part the kiddos were intrigued. Sorry to highjack but I think this is too funny not to share, when my eldest daughter was about 20 months we traveled to a friend's wedding - she got "Mauied", lol as in Hawaii. I was in the wedding party, and DD"s father was supposed to dress her to walk down the isle as a flower girl (this is important).

Fast forward, my friend the bride - a professional speech writer and very comfortable with public speaking (and worked as a nanny) - starts to give a toast. (Why not right?) She starts tearing up, has to pause then announces that "I am NOT crying! I AM very happy!".

You see as my DD, in her beautiful Hawaiian dress, walked several feet down the isle. Her VERY FULL diaper slid down her legs, and when she stepped forward, it PLOPPED on the wedding aisle carpet runner - in front of her and 70 other people!

It was caught on video, but other than DD being embarassed, we should have try to go for the America's Funniest Home Video prize!
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon Feb 25, 2019 11:20 am

Let me ask you something. Do you want to keep some sort of relationship with these people or are you trying to cut off any contact with them?

If you, or DH, wants some relationship with them or if y'all want to cut off all ties but want to do it slowly, send back the card with regrets, send a nice Congratulations on your craptakular wedding card (you can get them for around 50 cents at the dollar store) and then ignore any and all mail and phone calls.

If you really are beyond caring at this point, (a smart place to be when dealing with people like this) then invite goes in the garbage. If DH has to he can claim you forgot about it and lost it (hey, its lost at the county dump) because you were busy with your own lives and your child...who is the priority in your life.

When my bio mom got married for the 3rd time and called me to tell me, I told her, "Well you know what they say, ' Third times the charm...or is it 3 strikes and you're out?'" She didnt find that funny.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon Feb 25, 2019 11:25 am

And I want to add something please. NEVER and I do mean NEVER let your child go without you. NEVER. Do not get into that habit. Make it clear, no you means no baby. Do NOT subject your child to that. You may think its no big deal but it will be. Trust me on this one. If these people cant control themselves in front of you think of what they will do without you there. Plus, rest assured one of the women will convince your DH to let her care for your child since its sooo much for DH to handle. Dont think it wont happen. His mother will pull the ,"Oh, but I raised you! Dont you think I did a good job? " He will back down because he will want to avoid confrontation. So one of them will be looking after your child. Do you really trust any of them? If DH wants to go, he goes alone now and forever.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby WhyOhWhy » Mon Feb 25, 2019 5:00 pm

I agree: let your DH send his regrets or confirmation that he plans to go, but it's a hard NO on him bringing the baby. And, let's be honest, a wedding really isn't a place for a small child anyway. I have at times had my hubs attend things with our children that I myself didn't want to attend, but they were activities that were geared more towards the children in the first place, you know? The activities were things my children were a) old enough to comfortably attend and b) interested in attending and would have fun attending.

I also want to add that it is amazing how such people play these little games. He clearly thinks he is "punishing" you and your husband through "punishing" your child by showing zero interest in her birthday. That's not unconditional love. That's pettiness and manipulation. Now that you know he's capable of such pettiness that involves your child, bear that in mind in the future. Grandchildren (to these kind of people) are just pawns in their emotional games of strategy, pettiness and pain-causing. That's why it is a good idea to consider very carefully each and every event your child might attend and decide if it will ultimately be a healthy experience for her/them. Us adults are more capable of dealing with an emotional game being slung our way, but our children are not (yet). They need us to protect them.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby rdavis3 » Tue Feb 26, 2019 1:19 pm

You all have made really good points!

I would never let my daughter go without me ---but I don't ever want it to be thrown in my face that I kept her from his family and him ultimately resenting me over it. Thats why, I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't want to take her by himself (which is the only reason I offer for him to take her).

Majority of his family has not met our daughter. Nobody from his family reached out on her birthday. You are all right when it comes to the fact that it's petty. My child doesn't deserve to get caught up in that pettiness. Thankfully, we live about 10 hours away, so normally, this is not an issue. It's the fact that it's his dad's wedding that is even making this an issue.

My husband always asks what his family has to do to "repair" the relationship. I always say....I need time and I need them to actually realize that they are in the wrong. An apology would be nice too...but lets not hold our breath.

I guess I've just always wanted a really good relationship with my in-laws. Sadly, it doesn't look like that gonna happen with these folks. I'd prefer to just cut them off entirely..but I do try to take my husbands feelings on it into consideration. It's a tough spot to be in. Thank goodness for this site! <3
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby PutMILinherplace » Tue Feb 26, 2019 8:52 pm

rdavis3 wrote:
I would never let my daughter go without me ---but I don't ever want it to be thrown in my face that I kept her from his family and him ultimately resenting me over it. <3


Ok, you are not going to like hearing this. No matter what you do, it will get thrown back in your face. Take it from those of us who have lived through it. You have to train yourself to not care. You really do. You are protecting the well being of your child. It really doesnt matter if someone resents you or not. If you try to live your life in a way where someone wont resent you, it wont turn out well.

rdavis3 wrote:My husband always asks what his family has to do to "repair" the relationship. I always say....I need time and I need them to actually realize that they are in the wrong. An apology would be nice too...but lets not hold our breath.
<3


Quit with the "I need time" excuse. It only leads to him to think its YOU who isn't doing something. YOU need time so it must be YOUR fault that everyone hasn't kissed & made up. You get it? Stop putting it on you. Tell him that they have to apologize (they wont so bonus) and stop acting disrespectful to you , HIS WIFE . It also leads him to think that in time, all wounds will heal, be swept under the rug, all will be forgiven (gag) you get it.

Turn it back around on your husband, ask him, "What do YOU think they should do to repair this? " and ask if he knows then they know and why haven't they done it?"
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby Melody » Wed Feb 27, 2019 8:43 am

PutMILinHerPlace stated it wonderfully. You can't repair something when so many parts are missing - and were never there to begin with..
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby WhyOhWhy » Wed Feb 27, 2019 9:33 pm

A final thought(s) for tonight (maybe I have had too many cups of coffee today)...

I think you (meaning "all of us") need to get to a point where you legit are OK with whether or not your husband "resents" you for not putting up with the rejection, emotional abuse and mind games they've been playing with you (because that's really what's been going on here with 99% of us!!). I think that when you can say "If he leaves me over this, it's OK because I don't want to be married to a man who thinks it's OK for people to treat his wife like this", then THAT is REAL FREEDOM.

Hopefully over time you can keep having conversations where you keep repeating over and over again that you will not tolerate those behaviors and that neither should HE.

It is a journey, and it takes many conversations before much headway is really made and there is often a two-steps-forward-one-step-back kind of pace to it.

You also need to be prepared to tell your in-laws exactly how badly their shit stinks to their faces. I'm not saying you necessarily need to DO it, but lose the fear of it and have it as a viable option in your back pocket.

I came right out and told my hubs where the door is and that he was welcomed to go through it and back to Mumsy, but that I absolutely will NOT tolerate their behaviors. I told him I was willing to be on a mostly-holidays low contact situation with them, and that I would choose on a case-by-case basis how much our children would be exposed to their behaviors. I told him to make his choice to defend myself and our children NOW, because if HE didn't stand up to them....I ABSOLUTELY WILL, and usually a shit show follows when I open my mouth, and he knows it (and he'd prefer to avoid the fallout since he's seen it and it ain't pretty LOL)

So, that's our mantra now in our marriage. If the in-laws are being inappropriate about something, I tell him "You deal with it, or **I** will". He knows I mean it, and you have to mean it as well. It's a big motivator in getting them to stand up for appropriate treatment (and by that I mean just common courtesy and respect).
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby Nevermore » Thu Feb 28, 2019 8:05 am

I SO wanted to push the "like" button on all of these posts. It took me 20 years and my husband dying to learn the truth about my narc inlaws. You are always going to be the one at fault, no matter what you do, what you say, how hard you work to get them to see your side. It's not going to happen. I totally understand the desire to have a good relationship with them, but the only way to do this is to always give them their way, even at the expense of your family. Even then, they are likely to find fault with you. Learning not to care is hard, but it will save you years of boundary stomping grief.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby rdavis3 » Thu Feb 28, 2019 5:53 pm

UPDATE:
I sent the RSVP card back. No names (they'll figure it out by the postal stamp) and a big ol' X on the regrets line.

You guys are totally right. I'm gonna end up being the bad guy here no matter what. I'm fretting over something that ultimately does not matter.

Before I married my husband (months before) I had a sit down convo with him regarding his family. I was straight with him. I told him I was not a fan of his family-gave examples as to why, and told him I really didn't want anything to do with them. I asked him if this was a deal breaker, and told him I understood if it was, but I just couldn't get married letting him believe we'd all be the Brady Bunch one day. He told me he didn't care, and they were all crazy and he understood, blah blah blah. After we got married, something regarding his family came up and I told him I didn't want to be around them and reminded him of our convo and he literally said "Oh I thought once we were married, you'd change your mind." WHAAAT? Whats the point of having serious future convos like that, when you think you can change the persons mind? Deff ticks me off.

Regardless, wrong or right, the RSVP portion of this is DONE. I didn’t tell my husband about sending it back either. Just gonna let it play out.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP *Update

Postby livingmylifeforme » Fri Mar 01, 2019 9:50 pm

Thanks for the update. I personally think you should have discussed this with your DH before you did. Now, just be ready for a possible storm. I do understand why you wanted to just do it and get it over with, but this may have not been the best choice. All in all, I wish you luck, and that this works out for the best. At the end of the day with these kinds if in laws it's a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" kind of a situation, so I'm sure there would have been a storm no matter what.

Keep us updated.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP

Postby PutMILinherplace » Sun Mar 03, 2019 2:35 pm

rdavis3 wrote:UPDATE:
Oh I thought once we were married, you'd change your mind." WHAAAT? Whats the point of having serious future convos like that, when you think you can change the persons mind? Deff ticks me off.
.


The next time this comes up this is what you need to do. Spin around and with a look of anger & extreme hurt & insult go, "What?! Did you just call me a liar?! Seriously, you are saying I am a liar?!?!. "

When he stutters and tries the , "oh, no I was hoping to just get the family together, "
You keep bringing it back to , "no, you just called me a liar. We discussed this BEFORE we were married. Why did you marry me and have a child with me if you thought I was a liar?! How dare you call me a liar?!"

Keep bringing it around to him calling you a liar. Because frankly, that is what he is calling you.

Trust me, he wont bring that nonsense up again. :wink:

You see what he is doing is once again trying to put this all on you. Just like before when I suggested you never use the "I just need time" excuse, he is trying to put it on you. Oh, you wont change your mind garbage. Dont let him do that. Put it right back on him. Do not let him try to make out that YOU are the problem.
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Re: To RSVP or to NOT RSVP *Update

Postby jigglypuff » Mon Mar 04, 2019 12:02 am

I agree with the others, send your regrets and don't go.

Happy belated to your LO :)

I'd prefer to just cut them off entirely..but I do try to take my husbands feelings on it into consideration.


Stop taking your husband's feelings into consideration when he doesn't do the same for you. What you give, is what you get and it doesn't hold more true than in a relationship. He isn't considering you at all, he's only considering himself and the consequences of his own decisions. Not fair to you at all. You need to let him know that you will not offer him empathy when he doesn't give you any.

PMILIHP is spot on with her advice. Telling him you need time or making it sound as though you're hopeful isn't helping matters. All your DH hears is "In time I will make the effort for your family" because that's what he wants to hear. You need to be harsh and honest with him. Let him know that it's his family's fault you're all in the position you are in now and that the door is closed. From here on, there is no hope for reconciliation and he'll just have to live with that.

After we got married, something regarding his family came up and I told him I didn't want to be around them and reminded him of our convo and he literally said "Oh I thought once we were married, you'd change your mind." WHAAAT? Whats the point of having serious future convos like that, when you think you can change the persons mind? Deff ticks me off.


That really bothered me. My EBIL does this kind of shit all the time with his wife. It's manipulation and it's not okay. You need to make it clear that you will not tolerate this behavior again and he needs to learn to take what you say seriously. I hope he really listens to what you say next time.

You have every right to feel as you do. I know how much it hurts to wish you had a good relationship with your ILs and they have it made impossible because of their terrible behavior. You and your LO are much better off without them. Who wants toxic people in their lives? In time, they'll just make your life toxic too.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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