FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

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FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

Postby rdavis3 » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:54 am

Hi All!

I need opinions!

Backstory: So my FIL is getting married in June (I posted a thread a few weeks back "To RSVP or not RSVP" if you want/need the details.) Anyways, my FIL was in contact with my husband on a regular basis (mostly through text). Right before Xmas FIL wanted me to come to the family cell phone plan which consists of my husbands dad, sister, brother-in-law and himself. I was hesitant for months, but as our bills started to stack and with the consistent push from FIL/DH I decided to do it. FIL said we only had to pay him $100 towards the bill every month and he'd handle the rest.

I was literally on this plan for no longer than a month and his dad RANDOMLY decides one Friday afternoon to switch to his fiances plan with a different service all together. This left hubs and I with the cell phone bill. The bill was insane. Almost $400 a month, plus we had a ton of fees from not only the dad leaving the plan, but the sister/BIL as well.

A month after that, DH loses his job. He tells FIL this via text asking if he could help with the cell phone bill. FIL ignores text..waits 3 days to send him a text reading something along the lines of "You're important to me, but I'm getting married now and this chick is now my family and I have a wedding to pay for. Find someone else." DH was pretty annoyed. Not so much at the fact that FIL wouldn't help with the bill, but for waiting 3 days and randomly sending a text like that. So DH didn't say anything back. We'll FIL hasn't spoken to DH in over a month now. He did not reach out on our daughters 1st birthday in February. He just ghosted my husband.

Now, this doesn't really bother me. No love loss there on my end...but you can tell that my husband is kind of annoyed about the situation. I've told DH to reach out to FIL, but I don't think he wants to do it because he ALWAYS has to be the one to do it and I feel like DH is finally fed up with his family. DH has a birthday next month, and I'm almost concerned that this guy wont reach out...which I think would really bum my husband out.

A week or so ago DH and I were talking and he made some comment like " You made me alienate my Dad" and I said "WHAAAT?" and he said he was just joking around. Now, I will say, I have told DH before that he'd do well to put some space between US and THEM due to all the antics. Just for his own mental health and sanity. He never did before. And I never told him to do it this time around so I guess I don't know if the guy was really joking or he really thinks this is my doing. I don't want to be the reason he doesn't talk to his Dad (or any of his family members) but I'm starting to feel like I could be the scapegoat in all this.

Thoughts?
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Re: FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:41 am

I would talk to your DH about it because this is one of those things where, over time, his memory of what happened becomes what happened. In the future, it will be held against you. If it were the ILs doing it, I'd say "so be it" or "own it," because if your influence over your DH has helped him stand up to their abuse, that's worth their bad opinion of me and I wouldn't mind it at all.

However, if it is your DH who is entertaining that idea, I'd bring it up and if he is having second thoughts about not contacting FIL, he needs to acknowledge it was his choice, or he needs to make it his choice now. I'd remind him that you don't tell him what to do any more than he can tell you that you must see them when you don't choose to.

I hope your story about the cellphone bill was a helpful, cautionary tale for the readers. Take into account that if FIL is mentioning his upcoming wedding in that context then his upcoming bride may have taken part in that decision and how FIL felt about your DH's text asking for help with the bill.

Just sayin' ...
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Re: FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

Postby Melody » Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:58 pm

Oh I hate that crap! And it IS crap! I can relate to a degree, as I've gotten, "We can't see my paaaaaarents, because you don't like my mother!". First off its his stepmonster, and we don't see them because of their repeated horrid behavior, lies, playing favorites with the kids, manipulative and creepy comments and the unforgiveable, putting them in physical danger. We don't see his paaaaaaarents BECAUSE THEY ARE ASSH@LES!

And the same is true for DH's father. He alienated himself because HE IS AN ASSH@LE! And he's also brainwashed your DH to be dutiful.

With that said, Rubycrownedkinglet is spot on. Unfortunately, its going to take many "reminders" before it sinks in. But don't bring it up, just be ready when DH does! Good luck.
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Re: FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

Postby WhyOhWhy » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:28 pm

I am not as gentle about such outbursts (the very few times they have happened). When anything resembling an accusation that my hubs pulled away from his toxic family because of me, I have come right out and said "I'd check yourself, Bud. You are a grown @$$ man. You didn't want to see how toxic they were before I came along, that's not my problem. I have been far more respectful to your family over the years than they deserved, and yet always got crap from them in return. Point that finger in another direction or shove it up your own behind. I don't care which, but choose one because that it utter BS".

Yeah, I don't tolerate such things. I am happy to take credit (or blame) for things I actually do, but I absolutely refuse to take the blame for his family rejecting me from day 1 (even before they even met me) and how they bent over backwards soooooo many times over the years to be jacka##es to us. I've always pointed out when the in-laws did unprovoked things to us, and how they've ignored (or been super blase about) the many nice things we've done for them.

It took a while for him to really and truly open his eyes, and I guess it did take my in-laws really crossing waaaaay too far over the line before he finally saw the depth of their true colors. He wouldn't dream of saying that to me today, because finally he sees it, and maybe your husband isn't quite in that space yet (and maybe is only 80% of the way there).

I guess I'm saying that you shouldn't just let something like that slip through without addressing it, since there may be some tiny little bits in there that need...shall we say...clarification.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Mar 21, 2019 8:45 am

Nobody picks up the phone to actually have a real verbal conversation anymore. The fact that your DH and his father mostly keep in contact via text is part of the problem. So much gets lost in translation, and there’s no true connection there. Meaningful conversations happen over the phone, not texts. So, you need to give yourself a break, don’t allow them to make any of this about you when they can’t even straighten stuff out verbally.

I like what Ruby says, it’s soooo true about memories becoming what happened. This happened to me. My MIL and I got into an argument in my living room one day, with my husband present. She was able to put a spin on my words and have my DH believe those words she twisted. It is a phenomenon how even a whiteness can be swayed to believe they heard the same damn thing, something that NEVER came out of my mouth. So there’s that. Trust that his memory of things might be swayed by whatever his father produces.

And I agree with Melody, same situation here. “I might not ever get to see my mother ever again”. Living with those words makes me crazy. It’s not me Keeping him from his mother, it’s him truly not wanting to be around her if I’m not present. He wants so badly for me to fix that relationship. I’ve made it very clear to him that she’s made herself clear that she does not like me, I’m just simply respecting her decision lol.

I hope you can get through this. Keep your communication clear with the hubs.

I’ve asked my DH this question. “What do you think your mother wants the end result to be if I “make amends”. There’s no answer to that, we both know that’s not what she wants, she never wants the hardship to end, it keeps her relevant in some distorted, sick way

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

Postby PutMILinherplace » Thu Mar 21, 2019 3:29 pm

rdavis3 wrote:

I've told DH to reach out to FIL, d out.


The only thing I would add to the wonderful advice you have gotten is the following:

Drop the rope. Neither encourage or discourage him anymore. Say or do nothing. If he asks to have anything to do with daddy or family you go, "you are a grown man. Do as you please but child and I are out of this game. I will not put our children in an emotionally damaging environment. I am done." and then change the subject. NEVER suggest he has anything to do with them or reach out to him. If he tells you he has, go, "That's nice dear," then pick up a book and read, go check on baby , go garden, go to the bathroom. If he tries to set something up, you are busy. If daddy does a surprise visit, calmly pick up baby and drive to the park or a friends house without announcing it or saying anything. If he complains tell him you told him you were done with his father and so is your child. There are no arguments or fights. Period. Any and all mail or packages go in the dumpster without ever being opened.

You are indeed going to be made out to be a scapegoat. Right now, though my husband sees how evil his mother was is trying to make MY parents out to be the abusive ones. Typical behavior. Trying to deflect the bad behavior of the toxic / abusive parent by saying someone else was worse. Yeah, whatever :roll: While my parents didnt give the best advice for a Christian couple they certainly NEVER abused his children and what really makes him mad is he knows if I had EVER told him half of what his mother was doing they would have paid for a divorce for me.

You are going to have to not care if you are made out to be the scapegoat. I know, it sucks, its unfair, you name it. But it really doesnt matter if you are , does it? All that matters is the well being of your child now. Concentrate on being a good mommy and you will find the other crap doesnt bother you.
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Re: FIL ignoring DH, am I the scapegoat?

Postby rdavis3 » Sat Mar 23, 2019 9:15 am

Thanks everyone!

I agree with all of you. At the end of the day, I need to make it clear to my husband that he needs to be responsible for his own decisions. If he wants a relationship with any of them, he's the one who truly needs to make the efforts, not me. I'm not going to worry much about it. Thankfully, he know's at the end of the day that I'm just trying to do whats best for our family as a whole and much like any toxic relationship, even family, needs to be kept at a distance.
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