Give me strength

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Give me strength

Postby Melody » Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:55 am

DH is a mostly reformed DUH - he has made incredible strides from the point we started with. However, he doesn't want to discuss the minimal encounters we still have (at other family members houses).

FIL has a milestone birthday coming up. I do too. DH has something planned for my actual day. MIL just texted DH, BIL and HER niece (a psychotherapist who I've never met - but stepmonster told her "all about Melody") about going to a restaurant for FIL, the day before. DH said OK, and said to me, "Good thing she picked that day, if she picked (my birthday) the answer would have been NO!

At least there's that. But I tried to have a discussion with him that WE are not paying for FIL's. DH then argued, "When has that ever happened?" To which I responded that "When has that NOT happened?" And he didn't want to discuss it.

As I wrote in another post Stepmonster "invited" us for Christmas Eve (come running or else!). DH asked me if that was Ok to which I said, why the heck should we drag everyone (including two kids who were home on college break) up there to be treated like second class citizens? So the plan was to go for lunch the day before. As we are leaving to schlep to their house, stepmonster cancels because she has a cleaning person coming over.

They also blew off DH's cousin's always lovely Christmas Day party.

So its been almost five glorious months since we've encountered FIL and stepmonster. Why do we have to put an end to such a great thing? Meanwhile, I'm now angsting over my b-day weekend.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Fri Mar 22, 2019 12:52 pm

I hear ya. I’m sorry you have to endure a break in the break from the SMIL.

I just had my huge milestone bday the first part of March. No big plans other than to combine it with a wedding in the big city 2 hours out from where we live.

His idea of “treating” me was to take me to this big city. Lol, we are going there anyway for this wedding of a couple I’ve never met.

I turned March into one huge birthday month, big, heavy, obnoxious tiara and all haha..

It’s getting expensive. I’m going on a little get away next weekend with my own personal little cabin, party of one. (Women’s retreat) I’ve ordered up a heli ride over the main river and signed up for archery, flyshing and whatever else will bring me my own calm. A couple bottles of my fave wine are packed too.

I hope you have a happy birthday... if it’s an April bday, maybe make it an entire month. We earned it.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby Melody » Fri Mar 22, 2019 4:29 pm

Thank you Keeper! I know you get it! My big is still in march and it rhymes with "nifty" and from your f-it attitude I might guess the same for you! A lot of my friends are a few years older than me and while they were bummed out at the one that rhymes with "shorty" (and this was a big party year for men they all seemed happy - tolerate no more crap attitude - with this one!

Your plans sound grand! Enjoy!
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Re: Give me strength

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Sat Mar 23, 2019 9:33 am

Yep, the BIG 5-0 lol

My daughter says “Fabulous”. Happy Birthday to you !!!

Insert: Hearts, balloons, champagne, gift bags, cake, chocolate, confetti, crown and star emoji’s ....wooot!

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby WhyOhWhy » Sun Mar 24, 2019 11:09 am

It is so hard when the DuH's don't even want to discuss the ways in which the entire family is dysfunctional. I mean, when these men are out in the world (or at home with US) they experience fairly normal, functional relationships and experiences - but when they are with their faaaaaamily, it's often a royal shit show. And that just seems normal to them for some odd reason. It's like "If people in the real world did this, you'd never want to hang with that friend again!".

They still want to please their parents. I think that's the bottom line. They keep hoping that if they do the right things at the end of their parent's puppet strings, they might see some kind of epiphany happen where their parents suddenly say "OMG, we never realized how amazing you are, Son! We have been so blind all these years to your awesomeness. Please accept our undying love, acceptance and pride!". It will NEVER happen. Toxic people are simply not capable of it. They only see their OWN awesomeness. He is never going to get the acknowledgement and unconditional love from them that he craves.

It really is so sad. I feel so bad for our husbands. Deep down inside, they will never get that kind of love from their parents. Meanwhile, we wives have to tolerate their family's awful behaviors because we know it's important to our husbands to have some kind of relationship with these people.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: Give me strength

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:40 pm

Amen WhyOhWhy

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby Melody » Mon Mar 25, 2019 8:41 am

Thank you WhyOhWhy and Keeper. I think I'll use the term "Off to the shitshow". It is incredibly appropriate and keeps things in perspective.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby Melody » Wed Mar 27, 2019 8:51 am

And turning into a "shit show" it is. I know DH is holding back and couldn't figure out a gift, but then he tells me his dad said to come to the restaurant, "Between 5 and 6". WTF? Anyone else ever deal with "reservations" like this? I'm sure the staff LOVES this!

On top of that they have a party menu which I can't really eat. Yippee. (And I'll be "a b*tch" if I order anything else). I know I'm complaining a lot, but why? DH is on disability and I know that as soon as FIL goes to the men's room SMIL will have her hand out for money.

Yes I feel bad for the husband. On the other hand I'm tired of the kids and I being put through nonsense. I have no problem paying for anything, but when they constantly cheap out on us (will promise "$10 for a kids fund raiser then NEVER deliver but have a hand out for everything including their dogs' vet bills). Its tiring! And I want to enjoy the rest of the weekend without having to do too much "debriefing". Any suggestions like leaving our wallets home, lol?
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Re: Give me strength

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:38 am

You have every right to complain. This isn’t just any birthday, this is a very special one, extremely big deal IMO.

I hope it goes well and that there’s something wonderful from the hubs.

Mine came and went like another day, grocery shopping and all lol. I picked up sushi and a little tiramisu cake from the F’ing grocery store hahaha. Fabulous 50.... yawn.
My gift to me was no dishes that night... the weekend escape is only a couple days away. This will wrap up my pity month long party lol

Oh man, I do wish you a very happy birthday and hope for some surprises for you.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby PutMILinherplace » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:45 am

Melody wrote: Any suggestions like leaving our wallets home, lol?


I think you say that as a joke but I was going to suggest just that. Here is what you do. First, you and the family get there at 5 on the dot and order your meal. Look they are going to complain no matter what you do so who cares. Really it doesnt matter so dont let it matter. Eat. If hubby wants to wait, let his food get cold. Tell him you and the kids are starving and not in the mood for rude people who dont arrive on time or better yet tell him the kids are starving and you KNOW that his family wouldnt want the kids to sit here hungry. :D Lets see him argue with that. If he accuses you of being rude tell him, yes your stomach is rude. OR tell the waitress to serve your food when the others come.

Try to figure out how much you need in cash to pay for the meal. Give the rest as a tip. Oh, and hide your husband's wallet before you go.....I mean misplace it. When he starts looking for it, tell him you dont have time to look for it, you have your purse, you will drive, lets go. Leave your credit cards at home or lock one in the car in case of an emergency. I would pay the bill & tip immediately before anyone arrives.

When they come with hands out you can honeslty go, "Oh, dear I dont have my credit cards and we already used the cash we had on our meal. But I may have a dollar in my purse...oh, look! I have a quarter too! ooooooo, and a diiimmmmeee." And it to them with a great big smile.

Sidenote: if they pull the , oh you can owe it to me. Laugh and go with a fake smile..suuuureeeee. Or I can just take it off of what you owe me for all the fundraiser money you have promised to the kids but never delivered.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby willthetruthbetold » Mon May 27, 2019 6:23 am

I hope your nifty fifty birthday was wonderful. Any updates on what happened?
It's disappointing to have to do it, but I have found that with ILs hovering around, you have to plan your own birthday and make sure that it's at a venue that they don't know about or can't find. The planning must be done weeks or months ahead of time. My MIL and FIL used to be vacationing near our city on my birthdays for decades and they would always invite themselves to "help you celebrate" .... which translated meant "wait on us hand and foot while we insult you, to further ruin your birthday." My milestone birthdays were all planned to be out of town just so I could at least have a couple of good ones. The last one almost turned into a fiasco- when MIL called us on her weekly interrogation, she chirpily announced that my birthday was coming up and where were we all going for dinner (DH and I paying for them, of course). I told her that we would be out of town. She insisted that we stay in town because they were going to visit us. I told her that she could show up, but we wouldn't be there. She asked where we were going and I told her something vague, like the state that we live in. She didn't think that was funny, didn't get the hint and said that they could meet us there... anywhere... she sounded desperate. I told her that we were celebrating alone. MIL kept arguing, and I told her that it was my birthday and I'd already chosen where we were going, that we weren't changing our plans and that what I wanted was a quiet romantic weekend with DH. MIL hated the idea that we would be "romantic"... she practically freaked out on the phone with accusations that we didn't like her. It was bizarre.
For that reason, I suggest that you have all your arguments ready to bring out when it comes to who gets included, who is paying and how your plans are set and can't be changed. Lastly, I empathize with you about how they have tried to mooch from you when it comes to paying the bill. FIL used to get up from the table and walk around until the bill was paid.
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Re: Give me strength

Postby Melody » Mon May 27, 2019 9:41 am

Willthetruthbetold - good for you sticking to your plans. WTF is it with these people that think their presence is such a "treat" for us? I was recently caught in a situation where we were stuck sitting with my EX inlaws and while my ex acted like an @ss - as expected - my husband commented that watching my former MIL and I crack jokes and tell silly stories was "surprisingly, very pleasant".

FIL's big birthday went OK. He and stepmonster sat at the END of a long table instead of the middle -which was weird. That scuzzy women is obsessed with grabbing people, so I never even made it over to them - just kind of waved from afar. I was grossed out as she grabbed my kids for a moment, but then they couldn't have sat any further away from her, lol.

Stepmonster's favorite relative of the moment came a little later and sat across from me. Apparently, this is her much younger half-sister. This is the psycho-therapist that stepmonster told DH, that she told her "ALL about Melody". It turns out, we hit it off and kept the conversation light, and I think, stepmonster was livid, lol. It was strange to see such a similar face without venom spewing out of her mouth.

DH and BIL got FIL the same exact lame gift and same exact lame card, ROFLMAO! Neither son offered to pay the bill. BIL, SIL wished me a happy birthday (which was the next day). Half sister overhearing wished me a happy birthday. FIL and stepmonster said nothing. DH mentioned NOTHING about our plans for the next day (THANK YOU!). And we left. About as successful as it could be! Thank you!

The next day, we went to the local arcade and had a lovely dinner with my sister's family and my brother (lives on the other side of the country) sent me a lovely gift and best wishes. My daughter drove down from college as well! So yes! awesome birthday! Thank you!
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