Deep Thought

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Deep Thought

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Mon Mar 25, 2019 10:03 am

Another poster commented about relationships with the MIL or relatives. It’s funny to me how our spouses, in this case our DH’s, expect us to keep the peace in order for them to have some sort of copacetic relationship with them. Like we wives are the problem or only add to the drama or conflict.

My Duh expects me to reach out to his mother to resolve an unresolvable hardship. He cannot accept that she simply hates me. Everything that has transpired is because she revealed her true feelings about me. There is absolutely nothing I can magically do to change her opinion of me and I’m the only person that has accepted this. I get it, I’m good with it and I want to move on.

He stresses about this all the time. He is the one who wishes things were different so that HE can relax.

If she and I were just acquaintances, we both would have moved on by now (like so last year). The only reason I personally can’t move on is because she is his mother. I’m the one who wrote “You’re As Good As The Company You Keep”. I would not associate or hang out with this woman or anyone in her circle.

The caveat is my H.

This is where my deep thought came to me this morning:

His mother is aging, he fears he will never see her again. He places this on me. What about me? There’s no guarantee that I’ll be back safely from grocery shopping.

She is his mother. If she “goes” first, he’ll never get over that. He’ll always resent me for not having repaired her hate for me. She cannot be replaced and I’ll have to live with that forever, until my dying days.

Ok, flip this. If I “go” first, I CAN be replaced. He can grieve, move on and find a new love or wife. His mother will NEVER bring me up, they would NEVER talk about me. Much like what happens today, they never talk about me because she doesn’t want to acknowledge my existence. When they speak, it’s all about her as if I don’t exist. He might resent her a little until time and she finally passes. He would be preoccupied with a new life and love. So basically if I go first, there will be no mention, so there will be no conflict. She goes first, it will be brought up that he wished “we could have worked things out”. Wow

So after reading the other posts comments about responsibilities and family relationships, I had an epiphany that I AM NOT responsible for his relationship with his mother.

How dare he place so much emphasis on holding me accountable for her own hate. I’ve given her no reason to hate me, I exist. If it wasn’t me, it would be any female in his life.

A mother cannot be replaced and I feel she’s playing her mom card hard with my DH. I do not appreciate her using me as a reason she cannot see her son (I’m keeping him from her) and I do not appreciate the fact my Duh would like to think he can’t see her because of me. That’s an awful huge burden to carry. I feel they are BOTH using me as some sort of excuse or reason they really don’t have as close a relationship as they pretend. I think there’s serious shit (co-dependency) in their relationship and I’ve become the scapegoat.

I’m not keeping anyone from seeing each other.

I’m hoping that when I get the next opportunity to say the words, “your relationship with your mother is NOT my responsibility”, that it clicks, or works with him.


What have any of you said that was the magic “cure all” verbiage to get your DH to knock off the excuse and blame game?

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon Mar 25, 2019 10:26 am

KeeperOfPrecious wrote:What have any of you said that was the magic, cure all verbiage to get your DH to knock off the excuse and blame game?


The problem is our Hs have been groomed (yes, a term usually used for child molesters) from birth that in order to have peace and quiet (something they never really get anyway) they must so whatever it takes or is told them to make mummie happy. They are not aware that this is NOT normal, like most abused kids. So when they come across someone who was not raised like that, i.e. their spouses, they dont understand why we wont bow down and do the same.

I went through the same thing with mine. I did the same thing. Told him the kids and I were out of the insanity games and he was on his own with his mummy. I told him I didnt care if she was upset or mad or hurt or whatever. I got in it once with him and told him if he was so damn concerned about mummie's feelings he could get his bjs from her then from now one. :o That one worked a couple of times . It stunned him into shutting up.

But I got soooo frustrated with him once that I slammed my hand on the table and yelled, "FINE, that's it, we will do EVERY SINGLE THING she wants from what color I paint the kitchen, to how many times I flush the toilet a day (yes, that was an issue) to how many loads of laundry I do a month, I will put our kids in the rotten public school instead of homeschooling them, I will get a job, we will stop dressing modestly and I will put the girls in the slutty clothes she wanted, I would stop putting clean clothes on my kids, I will even buy the brand of yucky peanut butter she says we should. Will that work, DH's name? Will that make her happy and give you the damn peace you so desperately want? Will us being miserable and have a crappy life make YOU and her happy? Will that give you the f'in peace you want?!"

He hung his head sadly and said , "No"

"Then why the F (one of the few times I used that word) do you want to make all of us miserable when there is NO chance it will make her happy and nice? I am done. If you want so damn much peace, then you should not have insisted on moving us next door. So too bad for you. You put us here you deal with it. I mean it. The children and I are out of the insanity games. You are on your own. If you dont like it, leave. You can F your mother for all I care. You act like you are married to her anyway. Im just the incubation for your kids , your maid and your F'in whore anyway. So leave." It was at that point, he realized, he was about to loose it all. I was really done. He wisely backed off. Of course our marriage was over then. He has tried to make up for it, I guess. But still makes excuses or tries to deflect that someone else was worse. The sad part is I though I hid it well from my kids. I didnt. They know I dont have a happy marriage. They see how I really am not close to their father. I put on. I have to shut down my feelings and disconnect in order to protect myself from the abuse when they were little. I really dont know how to "turn it back on" He is in very bad health so I see no point in creating more upheaval right now anyway. The fact the MIL is dead helps a great deal.

I said the same thing, "your mother , your problem". It does not involve me or the children." I think you are spot on in telling him as well," your relationship with your mother is NOT my responsibility"
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby WhyOhWhy » Mon Mar 25, 2019 10:41 pm

I told my H that his hands aren't broken and that he's fully capable of remembering to call/email/webcam with his parents (although I am usually the one who ends up reminding him to do so when several weeks have gone by). I told him that he is fully capable of having conversations with his mother that have nothing to do with me. They talked about things before I came along, presumably they could still do so now if they so chose.

It's not hard to say "Mom, I know you and my wife don't always see eye to eye, so why don't we agree to talk about things OTHER than my wife." Then the oneness is on her to be a grown up and get over herself and have a normal conversation with her son. If she can't do that without calling out his wife on something, then SHE is stirring up trouble. That's on HER.

I do one better and irritate the hell out of my in-laws by making sure I make an appearance in every phone call, webcam and in-life visit. I am sweet as honey. They've certainly seen me be NOT sweet, but I've vowed never to let them goad me into such an exchange again. They will never, so long as I live, see anything other than sweetness, no matter what BS they are stirring up. Not my circus, not my monkeys. My hubs can deal with it.

I know they hate seeing my face and hearing my voice, and I gain infinite pleasure in making sure that they do so. AND, bonus points: my husband can never accuse me of not trying. He's tone deaf, and not very good with recongizing the nuance of WomanSpeak via over-sweetness.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby Melody » Tue Mar 26, 2019 10:13 am

I HATE that crap! He wishes things could be different. A response is that she's a b*tch and won't change, so it is what it is.

When SMIL wasn't inviting herself over, DH would invite her to "keep Melody company" with the young kids. He was freakin out of his mind! I might have been more so to have allowed it to go on for so long. She was twice as much work as the four kids put together.

I finally started leaving the house with kids and locking the front door, when I felt the uninvited presence coming on.

Regarding your situation, maybe your DH can skip the HOURS of conversations with mumsy and just go take her to lunch twice a month. No reason for you to go. I can't even digest properly being around mine.

Tell DH you don't want to hear about any of her crap, and that your business is off limits.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:20 am

Thank you all for your input.

I’ve written responses to each of you in my notes to copy paste here and i see that it’s sooooo lengthy lol.

So I’m going to keep this shorter? Lol

Part of the reason why I am having such difficulty dealing with my own MIL (who lives very far away) is the mind F’ ery. My own duh recently told me that keeps information from me in order to avoid the reactions I give.

If you remember from spring of last year, he kept it from me that his mother was going to be in a neighborhing town while we visited family there. She wasn’t invited and if she decided to go, I was going to pull the plug on our vacation. Long story short, my MIL enjoyed a few weeks of knowing that she could convince her son to keep this plan of her arrival a secret. All hell broke loose when I find this out only 24 hours in advance of her flight. My duh’s words to me, “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would pull the plug and I didn’t want you to react the way you are right now, I thought I could keep the two of you separate, you would never have had to see her”. Blah blah blah

Fast forward to a couple months ago, he tells me that he keeps info from me, and that I need to trust him that it’s for my own good. Lol wow

In the past, he has told me that we are a team. This works great for him when he doesn’t want to visit his mother like I have urged him to many times before. Nope, he doesn’t want to make plans that won’t include me, “it only rewards her bad behavior”...

Well, we were NOT a team the day he decided to go along with his mothers secret plans on my dime. Why was it ok for him to see her on my vacation and yet not make his own plans to visit her another time? No need to answer, I totally get that I was used by both my MIL and my Duh. MIL had ample to get the invite from me a year before our trip. She chose the sneaky route.

So now I live knowing he will purposefully hold information from me to protect me or protect himself from having to “deal” with me. How unfair. If we are this great team, he should be able to handle my reaction and better yet, give me the opportunity to show him that I can handle all this BS without reacting in a way that makes life so uncomfortable for him.

I want to call out BS to him the next opportunity I get. I want to say two things to him.

1) We are NOT a team
2) We are into proving loyalty to your mother.

That’s what my opinion is. He wants to keep mommy happy and deal with me by keeping whatever they concoct their little secret. That way it’s not really keeping secrets when I know he’s going to withhold info in the first place. Pretty brilliant. Nice little deception all wrapped in a lying liars bow.

Mind F’ery at its finest.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby Melody » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:37 am

I'm so sorry. THAT SUCKS!!! I've gotten the "since I know you didn't want to hear it" BS too and it does feed into the allegiance to her/betrayal to you. I know I get sick to my stomach if I know DH is talking to SMIL (even though she doesn't listen to a damn thing 95% of that time). I worry DH is inviting her to things or at least mentioning them and she'll show up as a "surprise".

I hate to say it (and I did forget you lived a distance) but you might actually be better off if you lived closer. I know that sounds (and is) horrifying, but DH might not feel the need to "keep in touch" so sickeningly often.

Tell DH you want to go to couples counseling . It didn't solve everything but it did help DH and I about giving "thirds" in your (His and your) relationship the place that they deserve - as in the backseat NOT the front! This secret stuff HAS to stop!
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby PutMILinherplace » Wed Mar 27, 2019 9:55 am

KeeperOfPrecious wrote:Thank you all for your input.

I’ve written responses to each of you in my notes to copy paste here and i see that it’s sooooo lengthy lol.

So I’m going to keep this shorter? Lol

Part of the reason why I am having such difficulty dealing with my own MIL (who lives very far away) is the mind F’ ery. My own duh recently told me that keeps information from me in order to avoid the reactions I give.

If you remember from spring of last year, he kept it from me that his mother was going to be in a neighborhing town while we visited family there. She wasn’t invited and if she decided to go, I was going to pull the plug on our vacation. Long story short, my MIL enjoyed a few weeks of knowing that she could convince her son to keep this plan of her arrival a secret. All hell broke loose when I find this out only 24 hours in advance of her flight. My duh’s words to me, “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would pull the plug and I didn’t want you to react the way you are right now, I thought I could keep the two of you separate, you would never have had to see her”. Blah blah blah

Fast forward to a couple months ago, he tells me that he keeps info from me, and that I need to trust him that it’s for my own good. Lol wow

In the past, he has told me that we are a team. This works great for him when he doesn’t want to visit his mother like I have urged him to many times before. Nope, he doesn’t want to make plans that won’t include me, “it only rewards her bad behavior”...

Well, we were NOT a team the day he decided to go along with his mothers secret plans on my dime. Why was it ok for him to see her on my vacation and yet not make his own plans to visit her another time? No need to answer, I totally get that I was used by both my MIL and my Duh. MIL had ample to get the invite from me a year before our trip. She chose the sneaky route.

So now I live knowing he will purposefully hold information from me to protect me or protect himself from having to “deal” with me. How unfair. If we are this great team, he should be able to handle my reaction and better yet, give me the opportunity to show him that I can handle all this BS without reacting in a way that makes life so uncomfortable for him.

I want to call out BS to him the next opportunity I get. I want to say two things to him.

1) We are NOT a team
2) We are into proving loyalty to your mother.

That’s what my opinion is. He wants to keep mommy happy and deal with me by keeping whatever they concoct their little secret. That way it’s not really keeping secrets when I know he’s going to withhold info in the first place. Pretty brilliant. Nice little deception all wrapped in a lying liars bow.

Mind F’ery at its finest.


Yeah, you have a DH problem not a MIL

I would say the next time he says some bull about keeping stuff from you
"You are keeping it from me? YOUR WIFE? Yeah, we dont have a mil problem we have a definite marriage problem. When you start keeping things from your spouse, regardless of the reason, there is no partnership, there is no team, there is no marriage. A team is a team all the time not just when its convenient for you So you are going to have to decide right now. I want to be a wife & a partner all the time not someone's F buddy. I am really tired of being disrespected and mistreated by you. "

I know that sounds harsh but I had to put stuff like that to my DH for him to realize I was quite fed up.

Perhaps if you let him really know how you see that he is disrespecting you he may straighten up a bit.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:52 am

Delted this particular post .. too lengthy and I headed in the rabbit hole lol .. thank you for your responses
Last edited by KeeperOfPrecious on Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:25 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Deep Thought

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Wed Mar 27, 2019 12:02 pm

Another thought lol

You’re absolutely right, his mother “groomed him” and it’s to forever prove to her that he will never abandon her. She has huge abandonment issues because she abandoned her own mother when she was dying. And she abandoned her two boys when they were young. He owes her so much for her lost childhood having him when she was a teenage. Etc...

I feel he’s constantly trying keep mommy happy and trust him that he is so very loyal and she has nothing to worry about.

He knows he can handle me by keeping me on the info diet.

That’s how it goes with most duh’s, they know they have some duty to their mothers and find whatever is easier to handle the wife.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby GirlMomX2 » Thu Mar 28, 2019 4:59 pm

[quote="KeeperOfPrecious"]Thank you all for your input.



Part of the reason why I am having such difficulty dealing with my own MIL (who lives very far away) is the mind F’ ery. My own duh recently told me that keeps information from me in order to avoid the reactions I give.



When DH pulls this I cry and ask him why he doesn't trust me enough to be honest with me. I am not an emotional person normally so the tears get his attention and if they can play games so can I.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby mamarama » Thu Apr 04, 2019 8:46 am

Keeper, a question -

Why does he expect you to bear the burden for family bliss? As the husband, and considering it is HIS family that this involves, where does he think his responsibility lies in all of this? And why must you be the one to offer the olive branch just to be repeatedly mistreated? IMHO, a good husband and real man would stick up for his wife and not just throw her to the wolves. How about he call his mom and tell her that until she can get along with his wife, then there will be a very limited relationship, if any at all, between him and her? It seems like he's making his shortcomings your fault, your responsibility to compensate for. nope.


And I completely agree with everything PMILIHP has said. He keeps things from you because he's more interested in pleasing his mommy than he is you. There are different types of lies and different motivations for them. What he is doing to you is lying by omission just so that he doesn't have to be responsible for a situation that he himself has had a hand in creating. kinda chicken to tell you the truth.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Apr 11, 2019 12:26 pm

Thank you all for your input.

I agree with every one of you.

Update:

long story short, my DH and I had a real come to Jesus discussion about our marriage, “teamwork” and his mother,

He listened as I spoke. He acknowledges and finally sees that he has grown with a mother who has never experienced true love in her life. She only has “things”, people she uses. He sees through my actions, and my account of everything that has transpired, and finally has come to accept that I am not the person to help fix her. Her horrible behavior and her actions have gotten her where SHE is today. She’s missing out. It’s not up to us to find a way for her to see the light. His acknowledgement of what I’ve done to try and bridge any gap was recognized the other day during our convo. Just hearing him say that she cannot be helped made the word of difference. Lots of details left out from this post, the fact he won’t push me to work on the “unfixable” had me finally exhailing. That’s all I needed from him.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby Hiddenjem » Thu Apr 11, 2019 1:11 pm

I am happy for you. I can't imagine it is a big weight lifted off your shoulders!
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Sun Apr 14, 2019 9:32 am

Hiddengem ~ Thank you.

It is a great start for sure.

I love it, she just can’t help herself. We had a situation come up the other day and my DH shares with his mother. In those convos he has with her, he’s mentioned my name and his mother stays silent. She refuses to acknowledge my existence in any way, shape or form. She won’t even throw out there a BS, “oh that’s nice” comment, nothing. Things like this, where he’s sharing events in our lives and his mother dismisses me as if I’m dead to her (which is the case), he’s seeing it. I can openly have little conversations about his mother and not get riled up, he sees this too. I’m doing my part to keep things positive and upbeat, while she’s slowly hanging herself. It will be very interesting to see how any future interactions go, if we ever do decide to take another trip where his mother will be present.

I made my promise that things will be cordial, the fact she can’t acknowledge my existence is what’s upsetting him. She’s about to hang herself with that rope she no longer tosses at me lol.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Deep Thought

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Sun Apr 14, 2019 10:01 am

Mamarama, you nailed it. I lost countless nights of sleep, and countless days consumed by all this mess his mother drummed up.

I learned that this was not an issue with his mother and me, it was everything you mentioned. I was having a HUGE husband problem.

If any relationship that came to an abrupt halt with a girlfriend or any other person, he would have had my back. I think because he knows my heart and knows I’m always that person who makes the effort to try and mend fences, he felt I could try with his mother. Once he finally sees that she cannot be helped and realized that if he can no longer make progress, he can’t expect someone she absolutely hates, do the same. I think his revelation is his mother truly hates me, it made him start to see that he’s been pushing me to accomplish the impossible.

In all my efforts, actions, concerns, and my attempts to research and understand why she is the way she is, he’s finally seen which one of us has cared enough to fix the unfixable. It’s broken, she broke it. It took some time, but with my perseverance and her fixated hatred, he let go of that rope.

So now, he keeps bringing me up in conversation and watches how she responds. She doesn’t, she has zero acknowledgment or input when my name is brought up.

He did take that route once where he had very limited conversations with her until she could make some attempt to reconcile with me. She did that. She pulled her, “I’m going to reach out to Keeper” ... blah blah Blah ... she triangulated that pretty well. She had him thinking she was reaching out to me to mend fences and get in good graces. She reaches out to me and gave me the run around, “I am Mr Keepers mother, I love him very much, I do the things i do because I love him”... blah blah, “I am blood, you are chosen lol”... this little cute triangle was her way. I stupidly let her have her little “making amends speech” because I was still trying to make my DH happy instead of standing up for myself. I’ve never been good at that. Looking back, I wish I would have told her “That doesn’t work for me, what works for me is you acknowledging that you spent the past six years setting me up to be your fall guy”, “that’s what works for me”. I didn’t let her have it, I didnt give myself the opportunity to stand up to my bully. I’m still learning and growing and finding my voice and realizing that it’s ok to be truthful when attacked. I’m done being the “everyone” pleaser.

Normal people with a conscience see when others are trying to make attempts and will at least give them some chance. This woman has no conscience, that’s what I’ve been dealing with. So I have completely and forever, tapped out. I told her in a letter I wrote, that she and I are not friends. Shame on me if I am to ever be convinced otherwise. I let her know the game was over, there’s only transparency and zero triangulation. She can’t even bring that up to my DH, he now sees that an agreement transparency won’t happen. If she can’t have a relationship that she can’t control, she’s not willing to have one... so goodbye lady

I have been sleeping a lot better lately lol. And not obsessing as much over this emotionally warped woman that stole many years from me. It’s onward, without her.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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