My Daughter’s MIL

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My Daughter’s MIL

Postby Taralee » Mon Mar 25, 2019 12:08 pm

My daughter recently married. I have other children who work out of state but visit for Christmas. The past 3 years, we all spent Christmas together with my daughter’s husband and MIL. This past Christmas, MIL said she wanted to exchange gifts with my daughter and her husband without my family present. We did have our Christmas meal together at my daughter’s, after which MIL left with her husband ( SIL’s stepfather) to visit with his family. She normally has everyone over her house, but wasn’t up to it this year.

Needless to say, my other children and DH found her request to leave us out of the gift exchange with her son and my daughter strange and off-putting. This year, we will travel to my son’s home in another state and spend Christmas there. We will leave it up to my daughter and SIL to decide where they go.

I guess this is how BS begins......
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby WhyOhWhy » Tue Mar 26, 2019 11:24 am

It most certainly is how BS is conducted with toxic people. They harm through favoritism, triangulation, and isolation. They try to make others feel inadequate as they choose someone else to favor in that moment. It is very sick.

I think this coming year's holiday plans sound lovely, and make total sense!
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby Melody » Tue Mar 26, 2019 11:29 am

Hmmm. That does come across as kind of weird and standoffish. And I don't want to be anything but supportive, but is it possible your DD's inlaws are have a rough year financially? Maybe she's having some health problems?

Or is it just now that they are married her son and his wife belong to them and need to do what they say - the honeymoon is over.

Have you tried to talk to your daughter as to what this all about? I have a 21 year old daughter and 18 year old son and sometimes I'm shocked what they voluntarily share with me!
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby Taralee » Wed Mar 27, 2019 1:46 pm

Point taken!
Last edited by Taralee on Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Thu Mar 28, 2019 9:29 am

Tough love alert: One thing we love about our site is that we sometimes just call it like we see it. Sorry in advance if I offend.

Taralee wrote:[MIL] just wasn’t emotionally up to hosting a big party this year
Taralee wrote:But I am waiting for the right moment to discuss this with my daughter. I know she is very sensitive to any problems amongst us

You seem to have a good grasp on what is going on.

MIL opting out of an event she previously hosted is not necessarily a slight, but could be a choice that she wants a smaller gathering and wants to limit the gifts she shops for during the holidays. She should have mentioned it beforehand, absolutely. You now know that she is not to be relied on for concrete plans. It is hurtful that she doesn't want your full family to be included, true, but at least she said no rather than regaling your DD with P/A martyrdom afterwards.

Bringing it up to your DD will upset her and put her in a position where there is nothing at all she can change to make you feel better about it. The only good case scenario is if your DD commiserates with you, making you feel better, but making her feel even worse about her MIL because she hurt your feelings. What if she mentions it to her DH or her MIL? Then everyone will be upset. The worst case scenario would be for MIL to cave and agree to host everyone for holidays in the future...begrudgingly.

If DD brings up that she is offended by it I'd say you understand and support her. Otherwise, I think I'd take a hit for the team on this one and keep it to yourself. I don't see anything constructive in sharing it with DD.
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Re: My Daughter’s MI

Postby Taralee » Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:14 pm

I don’t worry about the tough love....that’s why we’re all here!
Last edited by Taralee on Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby GirlMomX2 » Thu Mar 28, 2019 4:48 pm

Maybe I am the strange one but I wouldn't want to have my FOO and DH FOO celebrating Christmas together. Sounds like she just did you a favor and spared you an extra "party".
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby Hiddenjem » Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:48 pm

I am not that fond of my daughter's future inlaws but we do spend every Xmas eve with them and their extended family. It is the one day of the year that we see them. My daughter, myself, my husband and our two sons are all included.

I would be upset if we stopped being included after our daughter and their son were married as well.

We don't spend time with my FOO at all for any reason and only Dh spends time with his Mom. I wish we were included in other gatherings for the holidays but it isn't our reality.

My cinnamon allergy restricts us from socializing from Thanksgiving season to after Xmas.
"I have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby mamarama » Thu Apr 04, 2019 2:05 pm

Hold up... she actually told you that she didn't want you there to exchange the gifts?!? Or did you heard it from a third party? If it's the latter, then I'd be offended too but there's not much you can do about it. If the MIL said to your face that she didn't want to exchange gifts with you there, then that's damn rude. I don't blame you one bit if you never, ever invite that MIL into your home, that is until she offers up a contrite and genuine apology. That woman's got some balls :roll: I can understand if someone doesn't want to host a gaggle of people in their home, because it can be stressful, but there are many more tactful ways of approaching the subject. What if the stress of having many guests at her house wasn't her motivation, but rather just to see how far her son and DIL would let her control a situation at the expense of DIL's FOO? Grrrrr. Look at it this way - you're lucky. You don't really have to deal with that MIL if you don't want to, but your DIL is stuck right in the middle of a relationship with a person so rude.
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby jigglypuff » Fri Apr 05, 2019 12:43 am

This makes me wonder if your DD's ILs are dealing with a financial issue? Maybe they don't wish to speak on it? Have you ever gotten a vibe from the MIL that she dislikes you or your family?

Maybe I am the strange one but I wouldn't want to have my FOO and DH FOO celebrating Christmas together. Sounds like she just did you a favor and spared you an extra "party".


I feel the same way. I think it's always safest to keep families apart. That's what my parents did and it spared everyone a ton of drama. Some of my family members immediately disliked my ILs so having them come together for holidays would have been a terrible idea for us.

Personally I feel that MIL is the one who should opt out from coming over to your DD's house if she's so bothered by how things are. I assume you and your DD help host? Well, plan your own party with your own kids and family and let MIL do her own thing at her own house separately. Give her exactly what she's asking for, a nice kick in the butt out of the event! She has zero right (and brass balls) to make such a request.
'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me'
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby Taralee » Fri Apr 05, 2019 6:30 pm

Thank you all for sympathizing!

She had her son tell my daughter, who told me. That was worse than her telling me herself, the coward.

Money is not an issue for her. She has way more money than I have. She gave my daughter several very expensive gifts.

At any rate, holidays with this witch are out. I have kids spread out around the country and other relatives as well. I am looking forward to a better Christmas than I’ve had in the past few years. :!: And my DD is at her breaking point as well, MIL is constantly intruding.

Oh well, I have no worries that time will sort this out as it should.
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Re: My Daughter’s MIL

Postby merlina » Thu May 02, 2019 1:08 pm

Taralee I think this is a smell-the-coffee event ; aka passive aggression. My MIL does this to Olympic standard. I think one of the things to look out for is this woman attempting to put distance between yourself and your daughter. Don't have confrontations with your daughter or make her feel bad - but neither be too stoical. Let your daughter know that you are sad this has happened- that you guess some people never grow up and will always want to play mean high-school games- and that you will be there for your daughter because with this person in her life she will need support. :wink:
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