Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

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Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby Tufflove » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:28 pm

My MIL & DIL have made my life miserable over the last 28 years of my marriage and I have had enough so on the advice of my counsellor I have gone non contact.We live abroad and I have a dilemma in that it is Mothers day on Sunday (31st March) and I usually arrange by internet, a bouquet and flowers to be sent to her as my husband hates computers. Because of the treatment I received on a recent visit to bury her husband, I am refusing to get involved and I feel bad for him. He says I am a perfectly right in my decision, but I feel guilty. I won't go into detail here about what happened but suffice it to say I nearly had a breakdown.
What do I do? And why do I feel so guilty?
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby Melody » Thu Mar 28, 2019 10:03 am

Welcome Tufflove! I haven't seen you post before so I'm assuming your new.

I think you're going to get a lot of the same advice about this here. First off you're here, so there's a VERY high probability that your IL's ARE miserable. You even had to discuss this in counseling! Don't feel guilty, she's not even your mother!

And honestly, your DH's excuse sounds pretty lame as in he doesn't even want to deal with her either. If he were that intent or wanted to put any kind of effort in he'd figure out a way - like asking someone else or - gasp - picking up the phone and calling 1-800 - flowers. And why would you care if its not your taste?

BTW are you a mom yourself? Either way you don't owe her anything and you've helped DH more than enough.
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Thu Mar 28, 2019 1:19 pm

I’m sorry you have to be here. Welcome to the forum, you’re in good company here :)

I don’t know what BH stands for, but I can say that if this person is not your mother, you don’t need to send anything.

Your H says he supports your decision, then leave it at that. You feel guilty because you’re a people pleaser and you want others to be happy, even when they make you so miserable. Life is too short for misery, and people like you get frustrated when you can’t change or fix that.

If you’ve always sent flowers and cards every year and decide not to this year, this occasion will definitely make a bigger impact.

You don’t need to please these people, they run over you anyway.

I used to take care of the cards for my DH too. I sent one a couple years ago and signed his name *gasp* haha..I know the MIL didn’t appreciate that and it made me a little happy showing her that he doesn’t care enough to send the very best. This last year, I didn’t go out of my way at all. I suggest you do the same. If your DH isn’t going to take a minute to send flowers, then it’s not your problem.

She’s his mother, not yours. His monkey, his circus.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Thu Mar 28, 2019 3:58 pm

Just because you stand up for yourself it doesn't mean you're walking all over anyone else. Even if you feel like you are because of years of habit.

The first time I broke with tradition and did absolutely nothing for my ILs, I was all torn up about it-until it was over. Then I was relieved and I realized how resentful I had been all along, taken advantage of by my ILs and my DH, who didn't want to make the effort. Why? Because in his own way, without telling me, he had already shifted the ILs to the upper balcony of his life. Only my own sense of obligation had kept me bending over backwards for people whom I knew, deep down inside, didn't like me at all. Then I stopped.

If you don't feel it, let DH do it. If he doesn't feel it enough to make the effort, oh well.
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby WhyOhWhy » Fri Mar 29, 2019 5:34 pm

Welcome to the forum! I've gone through various cycles of "no gift or phone call reminders" to reminding about (or just DOING) calls and gifts. I think it really depends on how painful it is for you to be enmeshed with your in-laws. These days, I do actually remind about gifts and calls (when I think of it) because I have worked very hard on myself to release the deep-seated anger I once carried. I worked very hard to detach from the heartache my in-laws worked so hard to give me (due to their years of rejection, rudeness, and games).

I had to get to a point where I saw them on the same level as I see our postal carrier. In other words: when our postal carrier is in a good mood, it's nice to chat for a moment before she moves on to the next box. If she's in a cranky mood, I just avoid her and pay it no further mind. It doesn't affect my day beyond that moment. I enjoy the pleasant moments, and literally just don't even focus on anything less. It's like a fly buzzing by - annoying, but once they've moved onto something else, I don't even think about that fly.

I say all that to say that BECAUSE I can think of my in-laws as little more than a passing fly (enjoying pleasant moments, but just letting the less pleasant moments to roll off my back quickly), then it doesn't phase me either way to participate (or not participate) in gifts or phone calls. If dealing with them were still upsetting to me, I simply would NOT deal with them at all (and if I sometimes have a moment where it IS upsetting me for whatever reason, I exclude myself from whatever it is).

If it's upsetting to send gifts to people who still cause you pain and/or upset, then I say don't do it. Leave it to your husband to work it out. He's a grown man, and if it means that much to him, he can do it himself.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby moved2maryland » Tue Apr 02, 2019 7:09 pm

You only owe flowers to YOUR mother, NOT his. His mother, his problem.

No matter what happens, you'll be blamed no matter what. Drop the rope. Send yourself flowers and candy and the devil take the rest.
Just remember,to argue with an a@@ will make you one.
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby mamarama » Thu Apr 04, 2019 8:40 am

Hi and welcome!

Nope, don't send anything. If it was that important to your H, he would do it himself. Hating computers is not a valid excuse to not show his family care, courtesy, and concern. Like the others said, his mom = his responsibility.

I don't know your entire situation, but I'd guess that you feel guilty because you are a good person who is dealing with a bad situation. The good in you says that his mom should get something for mother's day, no matter what. And i think your H might be taking advantage of that. I'm assuming the 1-800-flowers phone number still works? And if it were THAT important to him, he would spend the 5 minutes on the computer if he absolutely had to. I don't like going to the dentist, I hate it actually, but I still go and get it over with because I have to. Well, I don't really have to, but it's a choice I make because I know it's important. See where I went with that? :D

It's all well and good that your husband approves of you not contacting his family or being around them, but has he actually ever DONE or SAID something to them about their treatment of you? If not, then I think he might be apathetic to the entire situation, including your feelings, and that's not okay.


Again, I reiterate what the others have said. Drop the rope. If his mommy gets upset that she didn't get flowers on mother's day, and then tries to blame you, remind her that she's not your mother, as she has made clear repeatedly. Then don't care what she says or thinks. She's not worth it. The one who should take the heat is your H, not you. And don't let him, MIL, or anybody else tell you otherwise. You don't like the ILs anyways, so who cares what they think?
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Update:Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby Tufflove » Wed May 29, 2019 9:52 pm

Thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I am new to this site and it's great!!!! I ignored Mother's Day and the sky didn't fall. I am feeling much better about being NC. I know DH phones her when I go out, but I don't care. His brother sends me e-mails about the family dramas and I have now blocked him. It is sooo liberating but I just found out that she intends coming here in August (we live in the Carribean) for a visit and I have told my hubby that she is not going to stay here, I am not going to fetch and carry for her. She is not welcome. I feel so betrayed by him doing this behind my back, it's not the first time he has done this sort of thing, so have told him I am seeing my lawyer tomorrow to start divorce proceedings. He will need to buy me out of our property, and I will return to the UK where my old employer has offered me a job. I deserve so much better!!!!!
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby merlina » Thu May 30, 2019 11:02 am

Good for you! I really think the emotional guilt trip is most women's weak spot. Stick to your guns and do what's best for you. The best of luck.
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby PutMILinherplace » Thu May 30, 2019 4:34 pm

First, a bit of humor then some advice. This actually happened some years ago. My sweetheart of a SIL called me about sending her mother, my evil MIL a Mother's Day card:

SIL: Hello, PutMILinHerPlace I need your advice.

Me: Ok, what's up?

SIL: I am standing here in the store and cant decide if I should send my mother a card. I don't want to be she IS my mother.

Me: Look, SIL , if you don't want to send one, don't. If you want to send one, cards are really cheap.

SIL: The problem is all of these cards.

Me: What's wrong with them?

SIL: Well they all say things like thank you for being such a loving mother or an inspiration , or how much you are appreciated.

Me: And?

SIL: Well, if I send any of these it will be a lie. (She was being totally serious and really upset about it. )

Me: Ok, this is simple. Get a Thinking of You card. Its the truth. You are thinking of her but you don't have to say its because she is such a lousy mother.

SIL: Oh, PERFECT PMILIHP, thank you so much I knew you would know what to do. (She was so relieved )

Now, you need to understand something. Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother. This woman is NOT, I repeat, NOT your mother. So it really is a slap in your own mother's face to send someone else a Happy Mother's Day card, isn't it? Think about that for sec. The Hubs and I got in an argument some years ago because he wanted MY kids to send a Mother's Day card to his step-mother, not only to be nice but to not hear his father whine. I put it in NO uncertain terms that was NOT going to happen. She was NOT their mother, I was and there was no way in Hades MY children were going to send a Mother's Day card to someone who wasn't their mother. There was also the argument about going to see his own mother. I also made it clear that MY children would be spending Mother's Day with THEIR mother not his. But that story is for another day.

You need to stand firm about this visit. If she shows up, do not answer the door and call the cops on her. This is the time you show your ......rear.

I feel so betrayed by him doing this behind my back, it's not the first time he has done this sort of thing, so have told him I am seeing my lawyer tomorrow to start divorce proceedings. He will need to buy me out of our property, and I will return to the UK where my old employer has offered me a job. I deserve so much better!!!!!


Good for you! Does he think you are serious? I think I would "accidently" leave a divorce lawyer's card on the dresser.
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Re: Do I send a mother's day card and bouquet for my BH

Postby VegasVal » Tue Jun 04, 2019 4:07 pm

My rule of thumb (for next year), they are not your Mother. If you feel compelled to send a card, do it. If not, I do not see that as bad. No need to go out of your way for poeple who couldn't care less about you.
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