What would you do?

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What would you do?

Postby rdavis3 » Mon Apr 22, 2019 9:24 am

Hi guys!
It's been awhile..but I'm in need of some insight.

So last time I posted here, I was beyond annoyed that FIL didn't reach out for daughter's first birthday. A laundry list of other things he did wrong prior to that, but the not reaching out the the birthday was the latest to date. Anyways, FIL finally did reach out to my husband (2 months later) and just kinda tried to avoid the entire ordeal. My husband did call him out on it, and he said "he had no excuses". Okay, whatever. Husband had a birthday last week and FIL sent him money. He also sent some money for the baby for Easter. Fine. Then his dad tried to call me last Monday. I didn't answer or call back. Then last Wednesday he texts me about husbands birthday cake (husband sent him a pic of a speciality cake I had made for him). I answered his questions (literally they were just about the cake) and that was it! My husband said that my FIL wants to "apologize". Ummm...it's been like a year, and my husband had to tell him to do it if their was ANY chance of us going to his June wedding. I feel like if you have to tell someone to apologize then it's not sincere. I know how badly he wants us to go to this wedding for presentation purposes, not that he really cares if we are there or not.

I don't know what to do. I'm not really interested in going to this wedding. I've made that clear for over a year. I'm not against hearing his side of the story, but it won't be without me laying into him for all the crap he's done in the last two years. What would you guys do in this situation? I hate to hold a grudge, but I feel like the more I make excuses for toxic people and let them back in, the more likely it is to be burned again and be back at square one. It's tiresome and I just don't have the time or the energy anymore.

Any suggestions would be welcomed!

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Re: What would you do?

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon Apr 22, 2019 5:44 pm

I hate to hold a grudge,

First and foremost, you are not holding a grudge. You are protecting your self and your child from a toxic individual. PERIOD. Also, if this person was not related to your husband this would not even be an issue because you would have nothing to do with them. So why does being related give someone cart blanche to abuse you and be a bad influence on your child?

Second, Oh, he wants to apologize? Ask DH then for what he wants to apologize for specifically and why hasn't he then? Since he obviously has your phone number to text you.

Also, do not answer anymore of his texts. By talking about the cake you are allowing him to see that nothing is wrong. Having no contact means no contact. Dont give him a way in. Dont be mean or tell him off, just dont answer ANY questions about anything. If asked, you are too busy to deal or you haven't seen it or you were going to but had a bout of diarrhea and forgot. :shock:

As for the wedding, your answer is: Honey, I have already told you our child and I will not be going. Go if you please and we will see you when you get back. I really am done discussing it.
And then stick to your guns. Hon, if you back down now, you will show DH and the FIL that it is easy to wear you down. Consider this great training for when your child becomes a teen. :wink:
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Re: What would you do?

Postby WhyOhWhy » Fri Apr 26, 2019 11:22 am

We are also skipping out on a wedding because of toxicity concerns. I think people love to use events such as family reunions, holidays and weddings to sorta "trap" their victims. What I mean is, the people they want to harass (or act shirty to) would seem rude if they just up and left. These kinds of asses don't truly care what others think of THEIR behavior, but they know that WE (who have half of a conscience) would be mortified if we were lured into an altercation in front of "god and everyone" at a big event like that.

I look at it as a gift to the innocent people who are doing their best to enjoy the occasion. If my being there is going to create drama in any way (mainly because some asshole has targeted me for narcissistic abuse or is hoping to create a drama scene to bolster a smear campaign against me), I would rather not go and take that temptation/opportunity away from the narcissist.

If I wanted the wedding couple to know I care, I would send a card to them privately with money/gift certificate in it, making my excuses for not being there and that I hope we can get together privately some time soon for lunch (or whatever) so I can give them my best wishes in person - which I've had to do on 2 occasions and both times it went over very well with the couple and avoided an issue on the actual day.
I will not let them drag me down to their level again
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