Aunt In Law

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Aunt In Law

Postby CantstandmyILs » Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:13 pm

From PP I am on NC with my ILs. DH is on LC with ILs. He basically just talk to PILs but thats it. Earlier today DH got a text from SIL that their aunt just passed away(FIL sister). He is upset. I guess cause he hasn't seen her all these yrs. He is now visiting FIL.

I had a feeling when things like this comes up when it comes to hospital or funeral and DH on LC with his family.

I have a feeling he feels resentful that he isn't seeing his family due to me.

Now I am feeling guilty that I feel responsible that he isn't seeing his family. I am sure they blame me.

IDK all these feelings just came up. I really don't think of ILs cause I have so much going on at home.

PIls called DH on Easter. They informed him that they have to move cause the owner sold the building. They told him he needs to reach out more often.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby Melody » Sun Apr 28, 2019 3:59 pm

Sorry Cantstandmyinlaws. As for the PILs I call B.S. - the phone works both ways. NOT your fault in any way shape or form.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby CantstandmyILs » Sun Apr 28, 2019 6:17 pm

Melody wrote:Sorry Cantstandmyinlaws. As for the PILs I call B.S. - the phone works both ways. NOT your fault in any way shape or form.


That's what he tells me. But I know he feels some type of way that he isn't seeing his family cause of me.

I know he has mention that he wants PILs to see the kids but he don't want to set boundaries and I'm sure he wants me to just shut up whn they say stuff or do
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby rubycrownedkinglet » Mon Apr 29, 2019 10:47 am

I know how you feel. Even though the whole meltdown with my ILs wasn't my fault, the fact that I was distant to them and ragged them to my DH could have affected how he felt about them and behaved toward them. So, I felt like it was my fault in a way.

I also blamed myself that I underestimated them and didn't expect them to hang on to their schemes to the point of crazy so that DH would just give them what they wanted. I should have seen that coming. I should have realized that even if I told my DH that he shouldn't give in because he was being played, it was ultimately his choice and he has always been an easy-out guy.

Because I stepped in and let myself be in the middle of it, I accepted some of the blame, just like you. But the reality, looking back on it after 8 years, is that it wasn't us or me. It was them and all their machinations and manipulations that caused the breakdown of the relationship. Their promises, falsely made to get what they wanted, and their outright lies made any kind of trust impossible. The only thing we could trust was that we were gonna get screwed, sooner or [and] later. The relationship was going to end badly, no matter what.

Give yourself a break. Be supportive of your DH's grief, but don't burden yourself with guilt that you don't deserve. AuntILs death doesn't change history, and if it gives your DH a different perspective, give him a little time to come back to the same conclusion: LC for him with the rest of the ILs is best.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby CantstandmyILs » Mon Apr 29, 2019 11:43 am

rubycrownedkinglet wrote:I know how you feel. Even though the whole meltdown with my ILs wasn't my fault, the fact that I was distant to them and ragged them to my DH could have affected how he felt about them and behaved toward them. So, I felt like it was my fault in a way.

I also blamed myself that I underestimated them and didn't expect them to hang on to their schemes to the point of crazy so that DH would just give them what they wanted. I should have seen that coming. I should have realized that even if I told my DH that he shouldn't give in because he was being played, it was ultimately his choice and he has always been an easy-out guy.

Because I stepped in and let myself be in the middle of it, I accepted some of the blame, just like you. But the reality, looking back on it after 8 years, is that it wasn't us or me. It was them and all their machinations and manipulations that caused the breakdown of the relationship. Their promises, falsely made to get what they wanted, and their outright lies made any kind of trust impossible. The only thing we could trust was that we were gonna get screwed, sooner or [and] later. The relationship was going to end badly, no matter what.

Give yourself a break. Be supportive of your DH's grief, but don't burden yourself with guilt that you don't deserve. AuntILs death doesn't change history, and if it gives your DH a different perspective, give him a little time to come back to the same conclusion: LC for him with the rest of the ILs is best.


Thank you. He came home yesterday after seeing his dad. He said F/MIL asked about the kids and to see them and his respond was we'll see.

I feel like he just doesn't want to set boundaries.

He told them to let him know wens the funeral. We haven't seen any of ILs since 2010 and he either. He only see PIls on Christmas quickly.

I am supportive and want to be. He was there when I need him when my aunt and uncle passed away. IDK if he wants me to do the same. I mean he is not a person to show emotion. He usually bottles it up. He came home and was quiet most of the night. I was a wreck when my aunt and uncle passed. Like I cried for days but him is so different.

I mean I see he is def hurt but his hurt don't be shown.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Mon Apr 29, 2019 4:57 pm

This is something that has feared me most. I have posted before about worrying how my DH will feel about me once his mother dies.

I made a comment to him once that “A mother can never be replaced, a wife can be”. I wanted him to understand this coming from me. I wanted him to see that I am scared for him and us when the day should come. Even though his mother is at fault, he still holds (or held) me somewhat responsible. I think over time, he’s seeing that she’s the one not budging on moving forward. I sent his mother a letter simply explaining that even though we will never be friends, we need to find some common ground in order to coexist at the next gathering. My MIL took it all out of context and will not make the effort. (Yay for me).

He did not like my comment, he told me to never say that again. But shoot, I told him “it’s the truth, I will forever hear about how you can’t speak to your mother ever again once she’s gone.” If I go first, your mother will tell you it’s time to move on lol. She’ll put the time stamp on that, where I cannot. She has him texting or calling every single day. He’ll miss that.

Anyway, I think you need to have a good convo about his aunt passing. You need to let him know you support him. Even though you do not have a relationship with his mother, it might be good to open the conversation about his mother and your fears of when she passes. Or simply be loving and accommodating during this time and he’ll know what to expect when his mother passes. His aunt going first might be a good thing. He might open up more

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby CantstandmyILs » Mon Apr 29, 2019 5:32 pm

KeeperOfPrecious wrote:This is something that has feared me most. I have posted before about worrying how my DH will feel about me once his mother dies.

I made a comment to him once that “A mother can never be replaced, a wife can be”. I wanted him to understand this coming from me. I wanted him to see that I am scared for him and us when the day should come. Even though his mother is at fault, he still holds (or held) me somewhat responsible. I think over time, he’s seeing that she’s the one not budging on moving forward. I sent his mother a letter simply explaining that even though we will never be friends, we need to find some common ground in order to coexist at the next gathering. My MIL took it all out of context and will not make the effort. (Yay for me).

He did not like my comment, he told me to never say that again. But shoot, I told him “it’s the truth, I will forever hear about how you can’t speak to your mother ever again once she’s gone.” If I go first, your mother will tell you it’s time to move on lol. She’ll put the time stamp on that, where I cannot. She has him texting or calling every single day. He’ll miss that.

Anyway, I think you need to have a good convo about his aunt passing. You need to let him know you support him. Even though you do not have a relationship with his mother, it might be good to open the conversation about his mother and your fears of when she passes. Or simply be loving and accommodating during this time and he’ll know what to expect when his mother passes. His aunt going first might be a good thing. He might open up more


With the NC and LC i always feared of when there a serious death of the family. We haven't seen none of the family since 9.5 yrs. PILs were the only 1s invited to our wedding and that was the last time I saw them 2 yrs ago..

I even posted if something like this arises how will you handle it with the NC or LC. I was told not to go visit but let DH on his own.

I hear you on that part. When DH and I had major problems in the beginning I left to my moms out of our apt. I would leave as soon as he got home and let him be with ODS. Come back in the am before he left to work to stay with ODS. He told MIL and she told him to just move back with ODS or at least pack some stuff and stay at her place so he wont be alone. He told her no cause he knows i come home early before 7 to feed ODS.

So I know God forbid I die everyone will rejoice and prob ask DH to bring DC around and such
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby CantstandmyILs » Mon Apr 29, 2019 5:40 pm

DH called so funeral is Thurs and burial is Friday morning.

I asked him if he wanted me to go with him for moral support his respond
" IDK. It's upto you"
I told him it's not my call it's his and he said "IDK. My whole family is going to be there so IDK"

i'm like it's a funeral isn't that what funerals is. Everyone gathers around to say their final goodbyes. I mean is not a party where you socialize and catch up on life. It's to show your respect..

So I took it since I have a issue with his family he don't want me to go.

I mean if he did he would def say sure or Of course.

Im not going to force myself either I mean he was def in the funeral for both my aunt and uncle but with his response left me soured.

I know If I would go he wouldn't be next to me so I don't see no point for that. I don't want to feel out of place or like I don't belong. I am def not going back to those feelings again.

If he wants to talk I am here. I know what is like to lose an aunt. I still feel lost without my aunt.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby PutMILinherplace » Mon Apr 29, 2019 8:39 pm

Neither you or the children should go. Not just for your best interest or that of the children, it will take away from the focus on the dead aunt.

Tell hubby he should be able to mourn his aunt with the kinfolk WITHOUT any distractions. Supporting your husband and being there for him does NOT mean you put yourself or more importantly your children in an extremely potential abusive situation
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby CantstandmyILs » Mon Apr 29, 2019 11:23 pm

PutMILinherplace wrote:Neither you or the children should go. Not just for your best interest or that of the children, it will take away from the focus on the dead aunt.

Tell hubby he should be able to mourn his aunt with the kinfolk WITHOUT any distractions. Supporting your husband and being there for him does NOT mean you put yourself or more importantly your children in an extremely potential abusive situation


Yeah im not going and our DC def isn't going. I feel like I dont need to involve myself. I know how he is.

He jasnt broight it up when he got home. In not.either.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby PutMILinherplace » Tue Apr 30, 2019 11:50 am

Also, I wouldnt ask him if he wants to you to go to anything even for moral support. Do NOT put that out there as an option. When you think better of it and say no he will be upset that you backed out after offering. And in a way he has a right to feel that way, so avoid it by NEVER offering.
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Re: Aunt In Law

Postby CantstandmyILs » Tue Apr 30, 2019 12:53 pm

PutMILinherplace wrote:Also, I wouldnt ask him if he wants to you to go to anything even for moral support. Do NOT put that out there as an option. When you think better of it and say no he will be upset that you backed out after offering. And in a way he has a right to feel that way, so avoid it by NEVER offering.


He didn't ask me at all. I just asked since he was there for me when my aunt and uncle passed away. Without me asking. I just wanted to give him the same courtesy back.

He just told me funeral is 3 to 8 pm Thurs. I told him I hope he don't missed work cause I would be upset. A few months ago I was book with so many appts for our DC(We had to wait to be approve for kids Insurance) So once it got approve I book so many appts. Also ODS is dx with ADHD and ODD so thats separate services for him. Literally brought stress on me. So I asked him if he can take a day off and help me and he refused. So I wouldn't be cool with him taking a day off for this day either. Might sound selfish but when I needed him the most he didn't made time to lift off some weight off my shoulder.
Today he told me he will go as soon as he gets out of work. I said good cause you can make it on time by 550pm. So I should expect him home by 9pm. I told him he will prob he to reheat his dinner and eat alone. Fri is the burial at 1115. She will be buried in the same commentary as my aunt is at. Crazy,. I was like imagine I bump into your family when I visit my aunt and place flowers which I am going for mothers day. I'm sure with that doesn't take more than just an hr. Cause when my aunt got buried we went and soon as we got to the commentary we said a couple of words and threw roses on her. We left after.

He didn't made no comment of me being there. Better like that. I just know how he is Cause since he hasn't seen the whole family for so long(since 2010) I'm sure they all be like wow family reunion or they ask him to come around more often and he would say sure. He doesn't visit cause of me and I'm not OK for him to take DC.

Like PILs asked to see DC and his respond is We'll See. Umm really we discussed this so many times. He is an avoider and I'm more vocal.

I just want this whole week to end so it will go back to normal.

I just know how he is. When it comes to his family. He has no voice. He doesn't talk or take a stand and that's why we always get into arguments when it comes down to them. We haven't argue about his family since the day of our wedding cause even that day he knew I had a few concerns and he didn't do anything to make me feel like OK I got this.
I wouldn't feel like this if I knew he was in my corner and defend me.

So I just want this week to end. I get so tense up cause I know they be talking about me and I know he wouldn't do anything.
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