DH's Mother

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DH's Mother

Postby Melody » Mon May 20, 2019 12:39 pm

I'm always posting stuff about DH's stepmonster. Well DH's adopted mother recently passed. It was not unexpected, she had health problems for years and smoked. I only met her twice as DH went NC with her.

DH couldn't deal with her as his mother was constantly badmouthing his (adopted) father, and claiming FIL beat her. (they divorced when DH was 4). I didn't believe her as he doesn't beat stepmonster - so I can't believe he'd beat ANY woman. DH's mother was always living above her means and would move out of places in the middle of the night. She made all kinds of promises to DH (like she'd buy him a car) but never followed through.

When I first met her she seemed quite charming, but way over the top. My ODD was 5, and his mother told me I could just pull her out of school, put her on a plane trip (alone) to visit her. WTF? She also promised to take DD shopping, but then suddenly had to cut her trip short. Hmmm. She also created drama about our wedding and not being able to invite enough of her family - so she was a no show.

Obviously DH wasn't exaggerating. So two things.

I know this sounds horrible but DH's mother was a minimal bother at best, so why couldn't it have been stepmonster instead? My younger kids could at least then have ONE grandparent (my parents passed many years ago).

More importantly, what can I do to help DH?
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Re: DH's Mother

Postby KeeperOfPrecious » Tue May 21, 2019 7:50 am


We have the opposite of your situation. My DH’s SM is such a sweet, loving lady. She raised my DH. My DH’s M is the problem in all our lives. DH isn’t on NC with either, but should be with his birth M because she’s the one sucking the life out of us.

Your DH was NC with his adoptive M, is he having regrets? If you’re wondering what to do to help him, I would just keep it simple. There’s nothing really you can do. Just listen to him when he shares any stories. No need to input anything really, simply being there supporting and listening is best I think.

I know if it were me, that’s the best I could do. I’m very sympathetic, but know that there would be nothing I could personally say to my DH for two reasons. First, there really isn’t anything anyone can say during loss other than “I’m here for you”. The second, there’s nothing I can say because he knows I hate his mother, everything coming from my mouth would just simply be mindless rambling.

Just be supportive and listen when he talks about her. I’m not much help, just understanding

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.
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Re: DH's Mother

Postby Melody » Thu May 23, 2019 8:44 am

Thank you Keeper. I don't think he's having regrets. He was N/C with her when we first got together. He gave me an overview of why and described his issues with her. I met her after we became engaged, and lo and behold by the time we were married (less then a year later) she pulled all the same stunts he had been complaining about. It was clear she wasn't going to change.

How wonderful that your FIL figured it out and didn't make the same mistake again. My DH's father married very similar women. At first they come across as charming, but they are narcissistic b*tches who lie and steal (and played head games with DH & his brother).

So thank you so much for the advice. I guess that really is all I can do.
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