To go or not to go...

Talk about anything and everything in-law related.

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livingmylifeforme
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To go or not to go...

Post by livingmylifeforme » Sun Jun 30, 2019 2:56 pm

...that is the question. Okay, so back in July of last year, MIL and I got into it via text. I pretty much told her off, which was met with pretty much a “Get over it,” attitude. Funny how she does that when her family does shitty things to me, but if I do something disrespectful they don’t let it go even after I apologize (this happened April of last year when I got drunk at a bridal shower and made a post about me not caring whether or not they like me, saying #inlaws Not my best moment, but they got all mad and I apologized two days later without being told. It was immature and rude and I totally owned up to it. Well, that apparently wasn’t good enough because they were still mad a couple months later with DH’s brothers’ wives posting pictures with MIL posting gushy posts with #inlaws as a way to say “Fuck you livingmylifeforme!” and keep their place as goldens). Okay, whatever, I just cut everyone off and went NC.

In October, DH gets a text from his mother saying they need to talk. DH goes over and MIL plays sorry. DH sticks up for me, and pretty much tells her the exact same things I did about how they treat us, and she all of a sudden “understood.” He calls her bullshit and leaves. Okay, so the holidays come, nothing. Not a single freaking word. DH finds himself to not be a part of the usual holiday group texts they always send, and we hear from no one apart from one of his brothers on Christmas who sends a text about missing him and us. I know for a fact MIL put him up to it, because he didn’t do that the Christmas before when we spent it with my family and we all “got along,” and I put that in quotation marks because they still treated us like nobodies. Still no word from MIL or anyone. Not even a happy birthday on DH’s birthday. Okay cool, NC is working out pretty well for us so we can just live our lives happily.

Fast forward to my birthday which was very recent. I get a random text from MIL saying happy birthday. I was surprised but said thank you anyway. She didn’t even say you’re welcome. Okay... whatever, I was at an amusement park on my birthday so I wasn’t really responding to texts or Facebook happy birthday posts. Having too much fun celebrating. I still thought it was strange, but just decided she probably just wanted to see whether or not I blocked her number. I do not think her intentions were to be nice. Fast forward to the Friday that just passed. DH and I drove to his work together since it’s on the way to a birthday celebration we were invited to. I dropped him off and picked him up. He drove there, and on the way he eats something of his and I go to put the ziplock bag in his lunchbox when I see an envelope in his lunchbox. Thinking it was a nice card from someone from his work (which happens often) I went to open it only to discover that it was a wedding invitation to his brother’s wedding. DH hid it from me so I wouldn’t ask him if he really and truly wanted to go. On one hand I feel bad about this whole situation, but when I think about everything they’ve done to and said to me, I have a “well they deserve it!” moment.

I might just be making a problem where there isn’t, but I don’t want to give his family yet another reason to talk shit about me. Though to be honest, I have a feeling we’re being invited for them to use this as a reason to treat is like shit at the wedding, we stick up for ourselves, and I’m forever seen as this big old bitch who’s taking DH away from them. They’re obviously bored with what reasons they already have and need new ones.

Notes: this brother and his wife are already married and we went to that courthouse wedding. This is just a proper wedding they’re having with DH’s family only (hers is all in another country so they’re having a third wedding there). Also, they chose this wedding month which is the same as when DH and I got married. They first got married in December, so why wouldn’t they choose a date close to their one year anniversary I wonder? Just kidding I know, it’s a huge middle finger in my face.

So... I’m leaning towards no, but my own mother is getting inside my head and saying things like “it’s his family. Can’t you put aside your differences?” I know I can, but they couldn’t even do that on MY wedding day. The things they pulled there I can’t believe it!

PutMILinherplace
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sun Jun 30, 2019 8:14 pm

I have news for you. They will talk sh*t about you whether you go or not. So why bother? Really. Is there REALLY any benefit to going? Will they then welcome you back into the fold with open arms. IS THAT A BENEFIT? Really, think about it. What do YOU want?

First, do not answer any texts, phone calls, letters etc. Not even to say thank you. All you did was feed the troll. Blocking the numbers & throwing the letters in the trash is better.

Now about your DH. Does he WANT to go? Does he not want to go and just didnt want to deal with it? No matter the answer you need to have a calm talk with him. I would let him know that the fact he is hiding things, no matter what they are, makes you very uneasy. I would ask him what else he is hiding. When he says no, he will, you can say you dont know whether or not to trust him. If he will hide something so small from you then he will no doubt hide something big. Dont get upset or dramatic; just be calm . Ask if the two of you are in this together or not.

THEN you can deal with whether or not he goes to the wedding. If he wants to go, tell him with an earnest smile (whether its earnest or not is irrelevant) you understand and he is an adult and of course free to but you will not be. You are an adult and done with middle school games & drama.

I keep saying this:
You can not change a person's behavior only your reaction to it.
You have gone NC so dont react. They dont exist.

Oh, and in that month, preferably of the week of the wedding , try to plan a trip for your anniversary; a cruise , a camping trip, a beach trip, a hike , etc. Make sure you post plenty of lovey dovey pics on social media if you are there. :twisted:

PutMILinherplace
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Sun Jun 30, 2019 8:18 pm

livingmylifeforme wrote:.

So... I’m leaning towards no, but my own mother is getting inside my head and saying things like “it’s his family. Can’t you put aside your differences?” I know I can, but they couldn’t even do that on MY wedding day. The things they pulled there I can’t believe it!
Abuse and mistreatment isn't a difference mom. (emphasize those words)

Repeat everytime she says that.

livingmylifeforme
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by livingmylifeforme » Mon Jul 01, 2019 11:50 am

You're absolutely right. They will absolutely talk shit whether I show up or not. I did talk to my DH about him hiding the invitation from me. He said that he hid it from me because he didn't want me to constantly ask him whether or not he really and truly wanted to to. I do do that, I will admit. I guess I just want to make sure that I'm not forcing him to stay away from his family. I have my feelings and such, but I don't want to play keep away. As someone else said on here, it's not my thing. I'm so fine if he spends time with his family, but he really doesn't want to. When we met, we fell in love and he wanted to spend the time he wasn't in school or working with me rather than at home. That's pretty much how it all started. His mother became jealous, threatened to kick him out if he spent what she felt was "too much" time with me, which caused arguments between me and DH, which gave her a reason to write me off a this big bitch. Funny how the moment he moved out our arguments stopped. There wasn't anything to argue about (when he was living at home, he constantly had to break promises to me because his mother held money over his head. Her family does that to all their kids though). Oh, and I was blamed for him moving out. I was "taking him away" all because he got tired of her shit, and moved out.

Yeah, even when we all supposedly got along, she would say rude things to me, and pretty much throw how much she hated me in my face. Very subtly and sneaky.

Needless to say, my DH hates how his family treats me, so he doesn't like to talk about them. I'm sure that how they treated him also plays a part in why he doesn't like to spend time with or talk about his family. I just need to stop making sure that this really and truly is okay with him. He gets frustrated with that conversation, which is why he hid his brother's wedding invitation in the first place as I've mentioned.

Haha, yes, I should totally plan something on their second wedding day. Something fun that we both enjoy and post pictures online :twisted: His family wouldn't see it though, because both of us blocked them on all social media. We do have a mutual friend on Facebook though. This friend is super sweet, so I wouldn't block him at all. I just got the courage to block his mother's, father's, aunt's (one of them anyway), and grandpa's phone numbers. I don't have anyone else's though he has a big family.

To be fair, even though their second wedding in the same month as ours, it is towards then end of the month while ours is at the beginning. Perfect for them to give us the middle finger while being able to say "What?! No, that totally wasn't the reason. Yours is at the beginning anyway, etc." If we ever asked, which we won't because we know better.

Yes, I do need to work on saying that to my mom. I adore my mom and respect her opinion (she is brutally honest when asked her opinion and input so I know I can trust her), but I have to put my foot down on this one.

Thank you for your reply and reassurance. This whole sticking up for myself is actually very new to me. I spent far too long letting people walk all over me, that it's hard to get into.

KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Mon Jul 01, 2019 1:54 pm

LMLFM ~

I totally feel for you. Your story is so relatable.

Has your DH decided on whether or not he’s going? I see nothing wrong with you not going, and like you and PMILIHP said, they’ll talk about you regardless.

I would choose not to go and not put myself in that situation. Yuck. It’s a friggen non wedding anyway lol How many times will they divorce each other? haha.

Send hubby off with your best wishes lol... make something fun for him to come home to. He’ll probably need a nice cocktail and decompress time :lol:

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Jul 01, 2019 5:49 pm

livingmylifeforme wrote: Yes, I do need to work on saying that to my mom. I adore my mom and respect her opinion (she is brutally honest when asked her opinion and input so I know I can trust her), but I have to put my foot down on this one.

Thank you for your reply and reassurance. This whole sticking up for myself is actually very new to me. I spent far too long letting people walk all over me, that it's hard to get into.
You have to understand; unless they have been through it they will not understand it. That is just the way it is. Someone who has never experienced a broken arm will never understand the pain and difficulty someone with a broken arm faces. I am not trying to be a butt or tear that person down but it is the truth.

My sister use to lecture to me about forgiveness and crap when I cut off my MIL. Then she had to deal with her best friend turned out to be a manipulative narcissit. She actually apologized to me the other day. "I understand now, Sis. I am so sorry. I understand" I wish she didnt. It takes some time.

I want you to find the following 3 books from the library or amazon. They will help. Trust me. these are what helped open my husband's eyes and give him a backbone.

How to Deal with Toxic Inlaws by Dr Susan DeForward

Life Codes by Dr Phil (Dont worry its NOTHING like his daytime show)

and after those 2 then read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker

KeeperOfPrecious
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by KeeperOfPrecious » Tue Jul 02, 2019 12:22 pm

Thank you for the book suggestions you sent for LMLFM, Im snagging your input for myself. I am looking at the book, “How To Deal With Toxic In-laws”... upon looking up that one, I see Susan Forward has written “Emotional Blackmail”. That one looks about right too.

The devil himself is impressed with her handiwork.

livingmylifeforme
Angry
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by livingmylifeforme » Wed Jul 03, 2019 1:09 pm

PutMILInHerPlace: No, you're right. I know you're not trying to be rude, and it's the truth. Someone who has no experience in a situation does not understand completely how it feels. I'm sorry that both you and your sister have had experiences with toxic people, especially those that were supposed to be in the role of family or friends. Those books sound great. I'll definitely look them up.

KeeperOfPrecious: I forgot to say that when I sat him down and told him that I did feel uneasy that he hid something from me, I asked whether or not he wanted to respond to the invitation. He told me that he already threw it away and he isn't going. Then he told me some of his feelings, too. He really doesn't like to talk about his family, and it stresses him out because of how they are. I'm sure that he feels upset that the people who are supposed to be family and love him would disrespect him like that (by treating me like crap I mean). They were also manipulative and sneaky about it to where he probably didn't even realize how manipulative they were until he saw how they reacted to him getting together with and falling in love with me. He totally changed from someone who stayed home pretty much 100% of his free time to someone who wanted to be with the one he loves 100% of his free time and that's when the conflict and guilt tripping and jealousy on his mother's part started She couldn't handle it and thought it work out in her favor if she convinced everyone in her family that I was a bitch. I think that she did this to one of her son's girlfriends he had before he met his wife. She was talking to me and my DH about this girl's business and how she wanted to get back together with him. Then my MIL said to us "Well, if he did get back together with her, then she'll have to deal with going in with the whole family hating her." So I guess, significant others are supposed to have to deal with mistreatment. This girl is someone who DH's brother met while living at home. I heard my MIL talking smack about girls her sons got together with while living at home. I've never heard anything bad about DH's brothers' now wives. I always say that DH's brothers were smart enough to meet the love of their lives after they moved out. Also, they didn't bring their now wives around my ILs for a LONG time from what I gathered from information. They waited like a year or two. That's why they're the Goldens. My MIL wasn't around to cause fights between her sons and their now wives when they first fell in love and all that, and couldn't cause drama by constantly threatening to kick them out and take away their cars like she did with my DH. That family is something.

So no, he's not even going alone. He's 100% on my side and hates how they are towards me.

Haha, I know, right?

WhyOhWhy
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by WhyOhWhy » Wed Jul 03, 2019 7:43 pm

I usually choose one of two actions (and both have been great): 1.) Don't go. Have hubby go if that's what he really wants to do. Bon voyage, Sweetie, and don't feel the need to bring me back any cake! 2.) Go, but with an obnoxious friend. I act my usual sweet, friendly and accommodating way while my obnoxious friend irritates the living hell out of my in-laws (I had no idea how perfectly that would shake out when I first invited her, but boy was she annoying).

Killing with kindness can be great fun if you have the stomach for it, and if you DON'T have the stomach for it, definitely stay home and enjoy some time by yourself :)
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

livingmylifeforme
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by livingmylifeforme » Sat Jul 13, 2019 10:43 am

WhyOhWhy: Hahahaha!! I like the obnoxious friend idea :lol: :lol: I have a at least two in mind who would be perfect!

No, neither of us are going. I blocked everyone’s number that I have (which isn’t very many). My DH has not, which is fine. He can do whatever he wants. No doubt there will be backlash. I’ve told him to prepare for it at least, but he says he will just ignore. We’ll see how that goes.

Nevermore
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by Nevermore » Sat Jul 13, 2019 7:10 pm

I just wanted to say that you can't be too sure they aren't accessing your social media, blocked or not. When I first went NC and blocked the entire IL family, I was often tempted to "check" every few weeks. What I discovered was that MIL had made a second FB account. Her name is unusual enough that there are only 2 people on FB with that name, and one spells it a little differently. When I blocked the second account, a third showed up. At this point, I just let it go. If she wants to spy, let her spy. I'm always sure to post nothing but happiness, and nothing at all about them. I don't feel it necessary to check on them anymore, and I have found so much peace. It takes time, but you'll get to the point that you don't dwell on their bullshit or lose sleep over it. Let them gossip about how you chained DH to a post out back to keep him away from his faaaamily. You don't have to play.

livingmylifeforme
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Re: To go or not to go...

Post by livingmylifeforme » Sat Jul 13, 2019 8:13 pm

Nevermore: Oh, wow! Creating Facebook account just to spy on you? Weird. My Facebook account is private so no one can see anything, and same with my Instagram. Haha, yeah, I'll let them gossip however much they want. Of course they'll come up with something dramatic. Probably wouldn't even believe DH just doesn't want to see them even if he told them himself. That whole family has brainwashed their kids so good to be honest. I get being really into family. There's nothing wrong with that. They just take it to a whole new level. Apparently, their family is the only one that matters. None of the spouses' families should be put before them. This goes for ALL spouses, even my DH's aunts' spouses (I found this out when my MIL was making a comment about how it wasn't right that one of her sisters was missing their niece's graduation to go see her husband's niece who they rarely get to see graduate. Mind you, my MIL and her sister see their own niece all the time, and MIL's sister even attended her graduation party so it wasn't like she was totally skipping out).

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