CO Father

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CantstandmyILs
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CO Father

Post by CantstandmyILs » Mon Jul 01, 2019 2:05 pm

So my sister taking the kids this weekend. She asked to take the kids to the pool but now she said my father who I CO for 5 yrs asked her to come over his house in celebration of his bday. She asked me if it's ok to bring the kids and I said no but then said fine. Now my husband is having a slight problem cause he said I don't talk to him and he doesn't even try with us for my sister to take the kids yet he doesnt take the kids to PILs cause of me. So he asking how is this fair. Now I need to tell my sister to not take the kids cause he has a point. My father hasn't seen us or even attempted to make effort and thats what led the CO. He still acting the same and still blaming my mom for somehow not visiting.
Now how do I word it to my sister.
Last edited by CantstandmyILs on Thu Jul 04, 2019 2:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: CO Father

Post by PutMILinherplace » Mon Jul 01, 2019 5:41 pm

First, be grateful your sister was honest or rather started getting a bit of fear of you. I get the feeling, and perhaps I am wrong, that she is being pressured to allow him access to the kids.

Now, your husband is right. Its not fair and not smart. My Sweetheart of a SIL told her brother, my DH that no one could call me biased. I actually cut out more of my own toxic family then his.

As for your sister. I know this is going to be hard so I wont sugar coat it.

Tell her you love her but the kids will not be going with her this weekend. I wouldnt make up some excuse about them being sick or whatever. I would just be straight with her. Tell her you thank her for being honest with you. It would have forever harmed your relationship if she had done this behind your back and would have ended with her being CO from the kids in all probability permanently. You dont want her feeling she has to choose or be put in the middle so the kids will not be going with her for the weekend and she will be free to go to dad's party.

She may cry or carry on or accuse you of being mean. You tell her that it has nothing to do with her and you will not discuss it. This is YOUR family's decision and you will not discuss it with her. If she goes off or cries or whatever tell her you love her but are done discussing it with her call back when she calms down and hang up.

This ends the children staying with her. There is something going on if she KNOWS you are NC but on the weekend the kids were suppose to stay with her there is a party? I have a feeling and maybe I am wrong and being too suspicious but this could have been planned and your sister had a tinge of guilt and fear and decided to come clean to you. She can come stay with you or you travel and meet up or whatever. But she no longer had the kids without you or DH.....period. No ands, ifs or buts. Find someone now in case of an emergency for the future. You can make excuses for future requests if you dont want to talk about it with her; oh, we have plans, youngest is afraid to be from home, the cat has nightmares when the kids aren't home. Whatever. If she is undermining you and your husband with the kids.........well we will deal with that later if need be. But she is of course allowed in their lives but no overnight trips or even going for ice cream without mom and/or dad.

CantstandmyILs
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Re: CO Father

Post by CantstandmyILs » Mon Jul 01, 2019 9:01 pm

She asked to take the kids 2 weeks ago but I had LO classmate bday. So she asked this upcoming weekend. Then my father send her a text msg. I told her she could always cancel like he does with her. She wants to take the kids to her house cause she has a pool in her complex. I'm like the kids are going over for your pool not to go to his place. She said he also has a pool in his place. I told her that he is not doing a pool party. She knows she had to tell me cause ODS would of told me if she would of just sneak. She knows when it comes down to my kids thats a major thing that bothers me. Getting in what is best. Then when I told DH that's when he was saying why is it ok for the kids to go over to his house when he dont even make an effort. It's also not fair for his parents. I understood what he meant. I still haven't spoken to her yet.
Last edited by CantstandmyILs on Thu Jul 04, 2019 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: CO Father

Post by PutMILinherplace » Tue Jul 02, 2019 12:47 pm

Ok, thats a bit more info.

I would still sit down with Sis and tell her what I said before and make sure she knows that you will not tolerate any contact with your father. I dont know if she is weak so you may have to follow through with NC with her someday. I still would not allow the children to go. The temptation may be too great. Plus you have the issue of daddy just showing up for a "surprise" visit. Then she could go, "Well what was I suppose to do? He showed up at my door!"

CantstandmyILs wrote: She knows she had to tell me cause ODS would of told me if she would of just sneak.
Sooooooo the only reason she told you was not because she knew it was wrong but because she knew the kid would rat her out? Think about that for a sec. I would still put a squash on any and all overnight & unsupervised visits with Sis. Sorry but you may just have to for a while.

Also, your husband is right. That would be totally unfair. Make sure you tell him you really feel he is right. While your first priority is the safety and wellbeing of the children and fairness really isn't a factor, you dont want to be unjust.

Melody
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Re: CO Father

Post by Melody » Tue Jul 02, 2019 5:15 pm

PutMILinHerPlace always has sound advice, but is generally more conservative than what I would say. NOT THIS CASE! Do you know the show "Weakest Link?" Either your sister is or she's being exploited as such!

Kids grow up SO fast. I know its a cliche, but I was just speaking to another parent I hadn't seen in years and we talked about how we couldn't believe our kids are in their 20's. Don't let your sister blow this CO for you. You WILL have adult time sooner than you think. If your sister was trustworthy it could have been a good thing, but she doesn't seem to respect your wishes. So its not worth it! By all means plan things WITH her, but as PutMILinHerPlace already stated, not on her own.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: CO Father

Post by PutMILinherplace » Tue Jul 02, 2019 8:05 pm

Melody wrote:PutMILinHerPlace always has sound advice, but is generally more conservative than what I would say..
Sure as heck is more conservative then what I think :twisted:

WhyOhWhy
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Re: CO Father

Post by WhyOhWhy » Wed Jul 03, 2019 7:55 pm

"Sorry Sis, but after giving this a lot of thought and talking it over at great length with my husband, I am sorry to say we're going to have to renig on the kids going with you to my dad's bday thing. I hope you can understand."
I will not let them drag me down to their level again

CantstandmyILs
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Re: CO Father

Post by CantstandmyILs » Wed Jul 03, 2019 8:39 pm

Well I told her today.

It didnt went well. I told her DH and I came to an agreement it's best for the kids not to go then..shes like well I already told him I'm going and I bought a cake. I have a feeling she asked him what was his plans cause if he invited her why is she buying him a cake.

I told her the plans was to go to the pool so what time she was planning to go to his house she said 12pm she was leaving. so what time my kids would go to the pool. She said she has Sunday but she told me she was dropping them off at 1pm so again what time was she planning to take them to the pool.

She then said what does it matter they are with me. Wtf. I'm the mother and It does matter. So when they with her I have no say where she goes even if I feel uncomftable or know he's CO.Wtf. I didn't ask her to take my kids.

She then said I'm being corny and fucking stupid. DH and i are a bunch of cornball. Wtf! Im like listen when it comes to your child you do as you please and they are my kids and my rules. She said my kids are going to resent me and hate me when they grow up cause I didn't let Then have relationships with my dad or my ILs.

Wtf! Is her problem. We have had so many discussions when it comes to him. I told her shes the dog making effort. I'm not ok with trying to force my kids on someone who has no interest in them.

She hangs on me. Then calls me back that anyway it suppose to rain. I said ok I know so therefore it doesnt bother me her not taking the kids. I made plans Friday night to go out with friends as couples night so I asked my mom to stay with the kids for a couple of hrs so DH and I have dinner with friends then.

DH don't want to drop them off at night to pick them up in the morning before she heads out to his house. She lives an hr away.

I dont appreciate name calling since I am the one that finds her stupid and corny always making effort. If she dont visit him he won't see her at all. He's always been like that. So why have someone who decides to be in and out of my life for. And be ok with it cause Hes my father. He left ODS waiting for him in the window and that just brought flashback. Since that day I was like nope he will not be doing that to my kid too. No call no text no show. Im not Ok with that.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: CO Father

Post by PutMILinherplace » Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:04 pm

Ok, her reaction is VERY telling.

This was planned behind your back. I will bet you $20. She only came clean because she knew your kid would say something and/or she thought it would be too late for you to cancel.

She is as manipulating as your dad. The whole, "your kids will hate you" garbage. This is a HUGE warning flags. She does NOT respect you or your husband as parents.

Sorry, but your sister is now on no or low contact. Do NOT ignore this. I am not sure you could have bigger red flags or warning sirens. The kids go NO WHERE with her..EVER. If you decide to allow her to even see the kids, and I would be hesitant to do so, she must come to your home or you and DH meet her somewhere. Sorry. I know she is your sister but this is not good. I hope for the sake of your children you see this.

CantstandmyILs
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Re: CO Father

Post by CantstandmyILs » Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:10 pm

Yeah my sister didnt took the kids that weekend. I calles her after the weekend. She said he was bummed the kids didnt went. Blah blah. I told her my decision is final. He wasnt bummed. He doesnt care for my kids.

PutMILinherplace
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Re: CO Father

Post by PutMILinherplace » Tue Jul 23, 2019 3:24 pm

CantstandmyILs wrote:She said he was bummed the kids didnt went.
Dont really care, Sis. His feelings are not my priority, the well being of my children is.
Before I went into NC with my MIL she was down at the house complaining about something I wouldnt let her do with the kids. She told me I had hurt her feelings. I looked at her straight in the eyes and with a laugh, "MIL's name, what ever gave you the idea your feelings were a priority in my life? " What I wouldnt have given for a picture of the shocked look on her face, her son and daughter have said the same. She was use to using that old argument to manipulate her kids. Oh, we have to keep mommy happy and unhurt at all costs. Me? Screw you, I dont care. She sputtered a bit and got up and left the house. She couldnt even speak.

willthetruthbetold
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Re: CO Father

Post by willthetruthbetold » Mon Aug 12, 2019 5:15 am

The reason for the CO for you should be reason enough for your children not to see your father, either. If your father wants to see your kids, he can make amends with you first and then you can go from there. I don't see why he should be rewarded by getting to see his grandchildren when things aren't OK between you and him.
My FIL wants to see his great-grandchildren before he dies but it's only because he can brag to the other inmates at his retirement home. He never cared for his children or grandchildren, alienated practically everyone and then when my grandchildren came along, he decided that he deserved to meet them. We refused. He gave himself a dumb name that sounded like what a great-grandchild toddler would call him. We ignored him. He tried to sneak around behind my back and DH's, too, and got Golden SIL to agree to buy him a plane ticket. The scheme was revealed when GSIL contacted my DIL to ask about details of when FIL could see the children. DIL told me, I told DH and all hell broke loose. It was all so ugly, the sneakiness was so dishonest, GSIL was so underhanded and FIL still hasn't gotten over being denied.
GSIL said that she was only trying to help, and your sister would probably say something similar, and feel the same way. Maybe so, but their "help" isn't doing anyone any good. The real problem lies with your father, and with my FIL who have been cut off for a reason. Neither you nor I should be called names for protecting young people from those who would have a negative and possibly permanent affect on them.

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